FEAST OF MEN

by Ayn Dillard

Boyd answers “To New York, then Friday I’ll fly back to Dallas.”

  I inquire, “How do you get use to all this traveling?”

  “Just do.”

  I state, “It takes me a day or so to get over a trip. I couldn’t do what you do.”

  “I forgot—you’re a civilian.”

  I continue, “When I travel, I usually need to rest the next day, in order to feel like myself again. I’m still not over the trip to LA.”

  He responds, “You’ll get used to traveling because I’ll take you all over the world with me.”

  “Sounds fun.”

  He states, “Yes, just think of how much fun we’ll have. Have you talked to Maggie anymore about all this? And if so, what’d she say?”

  “Yes, I talked to her a bit. Perhaps, we should go to Maggie and Brian for ‘falling-in-love before the divorce is final counseling’ because they fell in love before they were divorced.”

  He says, “I don’t know about that, sweetheart. I think we should wait, until it’s all over before we’re together. Beginning next week, I have nine days off in a row and was thinking, I might fly to San Francisco to talk with my best friend about it. He gives good advice, but I know what he’ll say.”

  I ask, “What?”

  Boyd states, “He’ll advise—to get out of this marriage before beginning anything with Natalie. No matter how strongly I feel about you, he’ll say to wait and he’ll be right.”

  I add, “Yes, that is the best way. I just want to see you Boyd.” as a sinking feeling flows through me. The inevitable is getting ready to happen. We’re going to have to be apart. As hard as we’re both trying to deny it, that’s what’s going to happen.

  He continues, “You know, Natalie, I can sweep a girl off her feet again in April. I know, I can do it.”

  I reply with sarcasm, “You think so, do you? What are you some kind of a pick-up jock?”

  He replies, “I can. That is, if she already loves me” voice cracks. “Did you hear what you just called me—a pick-up jock? Thanks, a whole lot for that.”

  “I said it because you were so good at picking me up.”

  He states, “Natalie, this is the only time, I’ve ever done anything like this. I meet girls on planes and in airports all the time. All sorts of beautiful girls and they often come onto me. Some women are attracted to a man in a uniform, but I never have and don’t do this. What I did and what I feel with you is a first for me and it hurts me, for you to call me a pick-up jock.”

  I reply, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you, but this is certainly a first for me. I’ve never jumped out of an airplane into a married man’s arms.”

  Boyd says, “Natalie, I want—no, I need to see you.” His voice is weary. “But right now, I’ve got to get some sleep, so I’ll be fresh for the flight tomorrow. I love you, honey. Talk to you tomorrow.”

  “I love you. Goodnight, sleep well.”

  The next day, I see a couple of clients. It’s interesting that I help people with stress to cope and also regulate their breathing, while I can barely do so myself right now. What’s that saying? ‘Can’t teach what you don’t know or haven’t experienced.’ Ha! Then I go onto aerobics later in the day. When I get home at eight-thirty, there’s a phone message from Boyd.

  “Eight o’clock your time and miss you darlin’. I want to talk to you before going to sleep. I am reading a book written by the girl I love and am ready to go to sleep. I love you. If you get home soon enough and want to—call me back. The number to the hotel is...”

  It’s been thirty minutes, since this call so he’s probably not asleep yet. I want to hear his voice, so I call. One of the things I love about him is his voice. It both excites and comforts me.

  He answers groggy with sleep, “Hello.”

  “Boyd, oh I’m so sorry that I woke you. Go back to sleep.”

  “Natalie, no, no, I can talk to you for a few minutes and desperately want to darlin’.”

  I continue, “I wasn’t sure if it was too late to call.”

  “No, not too late and am so glad you did. I hoped you would. I just need to get to sleep early. Might be corny, but I take my job seriously and with a great deal of responsibility. I always try to get enough sleep before I fly. Need to be up at four tomorrow morning.”

  “Doesn’t sound corny at all—I am glad you take it seriously—having all those passenger’s lives in your hands.”

  He continues, “I’ve been reading your book, ‘Daddy Throws Me In The Air’ and the overview of the other one.

  I inquire, “What do you think?”

  “Natalie my darlin’, you’ve certainly had some disappointments in your life. I hope I never have to disappoint you. These books of yours are really something and you definitely should get them published. They certainly make me think about my own children.”

  “Good, that’s what I want. I want people to look at themselves and to become aware of why they do and say what they do and then, of course to think and realize that everything they do or did affects their children for good or for ill. If you read my books—my articles, you’ll know my heart.”

  “Natalie, I already know your heart, darlin’. I can see your heart in your smile, your eyes and by what comes out of your mouth. It makes me sad to read that the girl I love has been through all this hurt. I had thought, I’d been through rough times, but they were nothing compared to yours.”

  I state, “Remember, the books are for awareness and healing, not for feeling sorry for me.

  They are to share what I’ve been through, and have released from myself in order to assist others. Except yes, I’ve lived through much pain in my heart, but so have lots of people. I couldn’t write about it genuinely, unless I was able to live it and observe it all in clarity and it’s important to remember that it’s in my past—thank God.”

  He asks, “What have you been doing today, darlin’?”

  “Writing and working out which is all I do these days. It’s interesting doing research for this financial book and I saw a couple of stress management clients.”

  He states, “I sure do miss you, Miss Duncan. I was thinking,” chuckle, “Since you haven’t had sex in such awhile that when you do, you’ll probably kill the man.”

  Laughing, “I miss you, too and yeah, I probably will.”

  He responds, “A great way to die and is Duncan your maiden name?”

  “Yes, I always kept my name or hyphenated it, even before it became popular to do so.” Strange, it’s as if I can hear him asking in his mind—will you take mine?

  Then he asks, “Will you take my name, Natalie?”

  “Well, after you’re divorced, perhaps.” As I think to myself, yours may be the only one that I’ll ever take. I have a keen awareness that we can read each other’s minds, or our thoughts are transmitted so strongly that the other picks them up.

  Boyd states, “I’ve got to get to sleep.”

  “Okay—sweet dreams.”

  “I love you, Natalie.”

  “Me too, you.”

  “Talk to you tomorrow, baby.”

  I spend the rest of the evening writing up research. Although, it’s difficult to concentrate feeling so much emotion.

  I decide to call Richard. I leave messages at several of his businesses because he travels all over the world and is difficult to reach. Once we had a frenetic connection similar to Boyd and I. Since then, we’ve become good friends. I fear this connection with Boyd might be similar and want to talk with Richard about it. Even though Richard and I had a magic connection when we met, he kept saying that he met me too soon just like Boyd does. He had just gotten out of a long-term marriage and wasn’t ready to be in a relationship. We dated off and on for about a year. Then I ended it because I got tired of his approach—avoidance dance—as it continually broke my heart. Then when I was engaged to marry another man, Richard tried every way he could to get me back, but I had moved on. Perhaps, he can give me some advice. Boyd reminds me of Richard in many ways. A
ttraction based on personality, intellect, physical chemistry and emotions. Appears Boyd and I have it all. Except for the glaring fact, he’s married. But do I really know enough about him to be feeling this strongly?

  The next day, around noon the phone rings. “Hello!”

  “Hi, Darlin’!”

  I ask, “Hey, how are you and where are you now?”

  “New Jersey or somewhere.”

  I tease, “Scary if the Captain of the aircraft doesn’t know exactly where he is and you sound so tired.”

  “I am tired. The airplane had some mechanical difficulties. I was up most of the night on the phone making sure that it was well was taken care of. They called me just after you did.”

  I state, “Darn—then I am even more sorry that I woke you.”

  “It had nothing to do with you. I was glad to hear from you, darlin’.”

  “When do you get back to Dallas?”

  “Later this afternoon around four, if no delays—what are you doing today?”

  “Another research appointment, then I’ll write it up. It’s what I’ll be doing daily, until this project is complete.”

  Boyd inquires, “Did you hear that?”

  “No. What?”

  “Over the loud speaker, they’re calling a flight to the Bahamas. It could be us sweetheart.”

  I respond, “It certainly would be fun to go on a trip with you—maybe—someday—huh?”

  “We’ll go on lots of trips together, darlin’ but I’m not going to make love to you until we do—until we can spend a really long time together.”

  Embarrassed, I laugh then screech, “I can’t believe you said that.”

  “Well, I’m not going to—just not going to do it.”

  “Who said you’d ever get the opportunity—the opportunity to see my gorgeous little body naked?”

  “Well, that’s true. I may not ever get to, but if I do, it won’t be until I can spend a long time with your gorgeous little body. I’m falling into deep like with you, Miss Duncan. You know Natalie, since meeting you, I’m nicer to everyone and much happier. I like everyone more and get along better with everyone. Why’s that?”

  I answer, “When a person is in love, they see everything differently. They’re happy inside and the love they feel carries over to everything and everyone. Being in love makes everything nicer—wouldn’t it be great to feel this way all the time? In love and loving everyone all the time, love is a great emotion because it connects us—everyone of us together—making us feel more like one. Just like you and I feel as one because we share our love.” I reflect to myself, how nice that he’s emotionally aware of his feelings and subsequent behavior because of them.

  “That must be it then, it feels so good to be in love with you and so happy.”

  “Boyd, can all of this be happening so quickly because we’re in love so fast?”

  He answers “I don’t know, baby. Except that I knew the moment I saw you in the airport in LA. Now, the more I talk to you, the more I like you. Not only love you, but genuinely like you as a person. What other two people could have met like we did? What other man could have met a woman with this kind of intensity and attraction to each other and not slept together? Most people would’ve slept together right away. Our feelings are much more than that—much, much more.”

  I add, “Yes, it’s not lust—it’s love. Not that it won’t become lust someday.”

  He laughs, “Yes, that’ll be a day worth looking forward to. So why can’t our love be happening this fast? Who makes the rules about how fast it can happen?”

  “I don’t know!” Laughing, “People who make the love rules—I just thought real true love takes time.”

  He continues, “And we’re going to have all the time in the world. Hey, got to go honey, they’re calling the flight.” He chuckles, “Don’t want the plane to leave without me—being up there without a pilot might be dangerous.”

  “I don’t want the airplane to leave without you either. Last night, lying in bed I was remembering what you’d said about all the people on the airplane wondering why that pilot’s head was always turned around.”

  He chuckles, “Yeah.”

  “Thinking about that, I laughed so hard—I couldn’t stop. I even sat up in bed, I was laughing so hard.”

  Boyd continues, “Yeah, the passengers were thinking, God, he must’ve been in some awful accident because his head is on backwards.”

  We laugh together about our day—the fantastic, magical day we met—our wonderful, wonderful day.

  I state, “What’s so fun is that everything you say, I think is so funny. You say things and I just have to laugh.”

  He replies, “Yeah, I know it Natalie. I do the same with you. You say things that just crack me up.”

  I continue, “What’s so fun and great is that we think we’re so wonderful. We think what we say is incredibly funny. So nice to have someone who gets what you say and thinks you’re so great.”

  Boyd chuckles, “I’ll never forget the look on your face when I said, come on, we’re leaving the aircraft. You calmly said, ‘okay, but will you get my bag? First thing you asked was—will you get my bag? Like I’d say, no, no, I won’t! I won’t get your bag. You just asked, will you get my bag? I didn’t even have to talk you into it.”

  I respond, “I know, I left the aircraft with someone I’d just met. And didn’t even need to stop to think about it. I can’t believe I did that.”

  He adds, “Yep, you were driving down the highway with someone you don’t even know.”

  I inquire, “Isn’t that amazing?”

  “Well, of course, you were. You were in love at the time.” Then in rushed tone, “Listen honey, I’m really going to be late. I’ll talk to you later, honey. I really have to be going. I’m late. Call you later.”

  “Okay.”

  He continues, “I love you, honey. Talk to you later. Bye, darlin’.”

  I grab the film from my camera before I leave for my appointment because I want to get the photos of us developed.

  After the appointment, I notice my car’s making a weird noise. I panic because in these recent times, when things go wrong with my car, I need to ask my father for help. My Mercedes is thirteen-years-old and falling apart, but at least it’s paid for. I can’t afford another car because right now, I barely have enough money to pay my mortgage and to buy food. So, when something’s wrong with my car, my heart skips a beat. Thank God, the kind man who repairs my car has become a good friend and takes good care of me.

  It’s misting rain and getting colder as I make my way to the repair shop and I feel Boyd so close. I wonder if he’s back in Dallas yet. I want to see him badly, but suspect that I’ll probably not be able to this weekend—but I can hope. Only wishing and hoping isn’t cutting it. I’m tired of wishing. I am ready for my life to begin again and in full force.

  Part of me is feeling, I should go home and forget about checking on my car today. I am emotionally drained and this rainy weather’s getting to me. I hate being in the cold rain, but fearful about my car, I force myself to go onto the repair shop. Better to face it now, rather than later—worrying about the noise will only drive me crazy.

  I exit the repair shop in only five minutes, feeling grateful and so happy because it was just a minor adjustment. I thank God big time because I don’t know what I’d do if some major repairs needed to be done right now. I have so little money and my father told me not to ask him for anymore help as he shouted—that he didn’t care if I starved. That he’s not going to help me any longer because I’m a ‘fuck up’—a no-good loser and that he wants no more to do with me, until I’m a success.

  So, I am going to work really hard on this book and make it successful. It’s the main thing I have to hold onto, but it’s tediously difficult because what I’m doing—I’ve never done before. So, I’m giving the research and everything connected to it extra careful attention and effort.

  The burdens and responsibilities left o
ver from my last marriage are draining me. Attorney bills alone amounted to over seventy-thousand dollars forcing me to file bankruptcy. When I think about the misrepresentations and lies Paul told me, it still makes me ill. During the divorce, he accused me of marrying him for his money, even though I had more money than he did. He lied to me about his finances and everything else to make himself appear better than he was. Men and their lies. But I must keep on going forward—I’m determined to survive. I have my faith, my hope, God and now what a surprise—Boyd.

  My house is on the market but it needs a new roof, so it won’t sell until I get one—because even if it did sell, I wouldn’t get much after deducting the cost of the roof. Paul won’t sign the house over to me as it states in the divorce decree. Therefore, any sale would be blocked because the title is clouded. I am in a hellish trap. Paul left Texas to live with an old girlfriend somewhere in Michigan. An attorney is trying to get him to sign the house over to me—what a mess. I’ve spent all my money trying to keep my house up, going to classes and developing my practice. I have got to make sure that I never get into another situation where a man takes financial or emotional advantage of me again.

  I apparently attract men with little to no real ability to care for or truly love me—just as my parents have no ability to give much love and nurturing. This is why finding love—a real true love has always been my most important quest and soul’s journey.

  I feel as if I’m on my path to healing, but at times it’s so difficult especially when hearing my father’s harsh words. Every day, I focus on my faith and that I’ll be shown the way. There must be some reason, I’ve endured so much loss and pain. Something good must eventually come from it.

  Meeting Boyd has shown me that I can feel again. It’s the nicest thing that’s happened in five years. After dating, so many men and feeling nothing it’s like a miracle to be able to feel joy and love again. So, thank you God and Boyd for this gift.

  Driving home, I can actually feel Boyd’s energy and it’s creating an overwhelming desire to see him. Our connection feels as if it’s being transmitted in the airwaves. The only other time, I’ve felt this strong of connection was with Richard. I wish he would call me—so I we could discuss all this.