Another Day in Winter

by Shari Low

  ‘And I wished I’d met Annie’s family, too. I’d love to have seen this young woman grow up,’ she beamed at Shauna. ‘It sounds like Annie had a happy life.’

  Shauna sat forward, determined to hold it together despite the sadness of the occasion. ‘She did, Uncle George. Annie’s son, Jeff, was my dad, but I spent most of my life with Annie. She was wild and crazy and so funny. She may have been small, but she was mighty. My daughter Beth is eight and she’s exactly the same. She definitely got Annie’s genes.’ Shauna held on to that thought for a moment before going on. ‘My gran didn’t let anyone get away with anything. I absolutely adored her and she was fiercely protective of me. She adored my grandfather, but sadly she was widowed and that broke her heart, but she never let it show. She just got on with it. She used to say that to me all the time. You just have to get on with it. It was like her motto for life. I’m so sad that she never came back to visit you and Flora. I think if she’s up there watching this, she’ll be so happy that I’m here now. I’m so grateful that I got the chance to meet you both,’ Shauna said, holding in more tears. It felt self-indulgent to fall apart when the people in the room who had lost the most were the brother and sister holding hands on the bed.

  Flora reached over again and ran her fingers through his hair, then gently stroked the side of his face, wiping away a single teardrop that was resting on his cheek. ‘I still see the same man I knew back then, George Butler. You always were a handsome man. And a good man. I’m so sorry I forgot that for a while there.’ She was weeping again now. ‘Oh, look at the state of me. If this was our younger days, you’d be rolling your eyes and Annie would be telling me to get a grip of myself. I am so grateful we had this evening, George. I’m going to believe that you can hear every word of this. I do hope so. If you can, please know that I love you. I always did.’

  The door opened and Liv popped her head around, smiled. ‘Just checking everything is okay?’

  ‘It is, thank you,’ Shauna replied, before speaking to her aunt. Flora looked exhausted now, almost overcome by weariness. Shauna was starting to worry that Flora had done too much and it was her fault for springing all this on her. ‘Are you okay, Aunt Flora? Shall we get you home?’ she offered. ‘I’m sure John will be back downstairs by now. It’s up to you though – we will stay here for as long as you want to.’

  Flora was still stroking George’s face, staring at it like she was trying to memorise every curve and crevice.

  ‘I’m going to go now, George,’ she said tenderly. ‘It’s late and you need your rest. I shall come back tomorrow. My husband Arthur, I’m sure you remember that young man I was seeing before…’ She trailed off, then regrouped. ‘Anyway, Arthur is recovering in another ward after a fall and I visit him every day, so I’ll come spend time with you, too. I hope you’ll like that. We’ve had a happy life, Arthur and me. I hope you and Betty did, too. Sleep tight, my darling George.’

  Shauna came round and took her aunt’s hand to steady her as she stood.

  ‘Goodnight, Uncle George,’ she said. ‘I so wish I’d known you. Tom and I are going to keep in touch, so at least I feel like I’ll get to know you through him. And I’m hoping to come back in to see you tomorrow before I leave.’

  ‘Goodnight, Mr Butler,’ Lulu said, as she came round to join the others.

  The three women took another moment to be with George, before slowly and silently leaving the room.

  Liv was working on the computer at the nurses’ station when they got there.

  ‘I’ll never be able to thank you enough,’ Flora said.

  ‘I was happy to help. George is such a lovely man. I’m just sorry you didn’t get to spend more time with him.’

  Flora explained that she’d be back tomorrow, then the three women held hands as they went down in the lift and out to the waiting taxi. As soon as they climbed in, Flora sank against the seat.

  ‘Are you okay?’ Shauna asked her again. ‘I feel like we’ve exhausted you.’

  Flora reached over and touched her cheek. ‘I am as bone weary as I’ve ever been,’ Flora admitted. ‘But there are no words to describe how grateful I am for what you’ve brought to my life. I promise you this – I would not change a single moment of this day.’

  ‘Me neither,’ Lulu said, her voice thick with tiredness. ‘But do you think there’s any chance that tomorrow could be completely uneventful?’

  Shauna thought about it. She was going to meet Tom in the morning before the flight and she was hoping he’d fill her in on a few loose ends about her Scottish family’s lives.

  ‘I hope so,’ Shauna answered. ‘However, I think we’ve got a few more surprises to come.’

  Thirty-one

  Tom

  Tom struggled to keep his eyes on the road all the way to the hospital, but he forced himself to. In fact, he’d never driven more carefully or had such a precious cargo.

  His boy. Chrissie. He just wanted to stare at them both.

  ‘What happened to your knuckles?’ Ben asked, putting him on the spot. This kid missed nothing. ‘You look like you’ve been in a fight.’

  Tom flicked his eyes to the rear view mirror. Chrissie was in the back seat as promised and he needed to gauge her reaction.

  She shrugged. ‘It’s okay to be honest. We have a pact that we don’t tell lies. And you can also explain all the reasons it’s wrong to use violence,’ she said, a challenge in her voice.

  Tom decided to just go with the facts. On the car journey to George’s house, Chrissie had told him briefly about the conversation with Davie in the restaurant and why she’d walked out. He had always known Davie was a player, but now he could see his partner was nothing more than a sleazy prick. Tom now wished he’d punched him harder.

  ‘The guy your mum was meeting tonight was my business partner. He knew I’d been searching for your mum for years and he didn’t tell me he was seeing her because, well, he’s not a very nice person. I found out and went to where they were meeting, but your mum was already on her way out because he’d been rude to her. He said some nasty things, so I punched him. And I can honestly say it’s the first time in my life I’ve ever punched anyone. Please don’t do it.’

  Ben found this amusing. ‘Violence is never the answer,’ he said, aping Chrissie. Then to Tom, ‘But he does sound like a tosser.’ Chrissie ignored the fact that Tom grinned when he heard Ben’s conclusion.

  ‘Ben!’ Chrissie chided him, then swiftly de-escalated as reality kicked in. ‘Ah, what the hell – he was a tosser.’

  For once, there was a parking space near the entrance, probably because many of the staff went off shift at eleven o’clock and had only just left for the night. Whatever the reason, he was grateful as he slid the car into the space.

  In the lift, Tom got his first chance to just stare at Ben in the mirror of the doors. The boy was already close to six feet tall, just a couple of inches shorter than Tom, but already taller than Chrissie.

  He marvelled once more at how much his son looked like him. The same wavy, dark brown hair. Tom’s was pushed back from his face, but it fell forward like Ben’s when he hadn’t styled it. Identical hazel eyes. Matching shades of skin tone. There was no question they shared the same genes, but Ben also had Chrissie’s smile. He was a beautiful combination of them both, and Tom felt a wave of sorrow for every single day he’d missed of his son’s life. He pushed the feelings down. He’d found him now, found them, and that was all that mattered. This was the best Christmas present he could ever have. He was devastated that his grandad wouldn’t be able to share it.

  Liv was the first person they saw as they opened the door. She came round the desk, and hugged Chrissie, speaking in whispers, ‘Hello, you,’ and then to Ben, ‘All right, squirt?’ Ben clearly found this amusing and Tom thought again how comfortable the boy was communicating and interacting with adults. He was confident and so much more mature than he remembered being at that age. He could never repay Chrissie for bringing him up on her own.
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  ‘Tom, I can’t believe this! This boy is my second favourite twelve year old ever,’ Liv said, teasing Ben, who reacted by rolling his eyes.

  ‘I keep telling her that Harry Potter doesn’t count and, besides, he’s an adult now.’

  ‘Can you do magic?’ Liv asked, tartly. This was obviously a discussion they’d had many times before. ‘No? Then keep your comments to yourself.’ She was still chuckling when she switched her focus to Tom. ‘Your aunt and her friends have left now. They were so lovely and your aunt said that she would like to return tomorrow. Your cousin…’

  ‘Shauna,’ he said.

  ‘Yes, Shauna, was telling me all about it. They’ve had quite a day.’

  ‘I know the feeling,’ he said, with a twinkle in his eye.

  ‘And your other visitors have left, too,’ she said tactfully, ‘I’ve no idea when they’ll be back.’

  Tom could sense there was a story there, but he thought it best to discuss it later and could sense that Liv thought so too.

  ‘Okay, have a seat here, so I can talk to you,’ she said to Ben, as she pulled a chair over next to hers at the nurses’ station. Ben did as he was told, while Tom and Chrissie listened in from their position across the desk. ‘I just want to tell you what to expect,’ she said, kindly. ‘This is a palliative care ward, so do you remember what I told you before about what that means?’

  Ben nodded. ‘It’s where you look after people right before they die and give them a peaceful and dignified death.’

  ‘That’s right. Now, in all these rooms,’ she gestured to the long line of closed doors, ‘there are people who are very ill and in many of the rooms their families are with them, even at this time of night. That’s what makes this very different from a normal hospital ward, where you’re only allowed to visit for a few hours a day.’

  Ben was still listening intently.

  ‘Now, Mr Butler…’

  ‘My great-grandad,’ Ben added solemnly, and Tom wanted to weep with pride.

  ‘Yes, your great-grandad, is very ill, but he’s not in any pain, so I don’t want you to be worried or scared. When you see him, it will just look like he is sleeping, but he does have some wires connected to his arm, and those are linked up to machines that monitor things like his blood pressure and heart rate.’

  ‘I had those when I was in hospital,’ he said.

  ‘Appendix,’ Chrissie added. Tom was grateful for the reassurance.

  Liv carried on with her pep talk. ‘Although the patients seem like they’re sleeping, many doctors think they can still hear you, so it’s fine if you’d like to chat or say something.’

  ‘What kind of things can I chat about?’ he asked. Again, Tom was bowled over by how sincere and thoughtful Ben was.

  ‘Anything at all. What you did today. What kind of things you like. I always just think it’s best to say whatever is on your mind. It can be serious or not serious, or anything at all. Remember though, if you change your mind about visiting, that’s absolutely fine too. You can go in with your mum and…’ She paused, unsure how to address Tom.

  Ben helped her out. ‘He’s my dad.’

  Another piece of Tom’s heart crumbled, even more so when he saw that a tear was falling down Chrissie’s cheek.

  ‘Exactly,’ Liv agreed. ‘So you can go in with your mum and dad, or you can chill here with me and keep me company. This is all up to you and you don’t have to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable.’

  ‘I know,’ Ben said. ‘But I would like to see my great-grandad. Even just for a minute, so I can remember his face.’

  ‘Okay then,’ Liv said, then looked at Chrissie and Tom for a final agreement. Chrissie nodded. ‘Let’s go through then. I’ll be right here if you want to come back out any time, though, okay?’

  ‘Okay.’

  They walked down the corridor, their footsteps making barely a sound on the floor, until they reached George’s room. Liv opened the door and went in first, checking by the light of the bedside lamp that all was okay. As soon as she was satisfied, she gestured to them to follow and then touched Chrissie’s arm in reassurance as she passed her on the way out of the door.

  Tom had never been as stuck for words in his life as he’d been at some points today, but this wasn’t one of them.

  ‘Grandad, it’s been a busy old day in here today and I’ve brought some more people along to see you tonight,’ he said lovingly. ‘You remember Chrissie,’ he said, then watched as Chrissie walked round to the other side of the bed and sat down in a chair. She automatically put her hand on George’s arm.

  ‘Hello, Mr Butler. It’s been a long, long time,’ she said fondly.

  ‘And, Grandad, this young man,’ he said, putting his arm around Ben’s shoulders, ‘is Chrissie’s son, Ben. And wait until you hear this – he’s my son, too. We have a boy, Grandad, I just met him for the first time tonight. He wanted to come and meet you.’

  Ben followed his mum’s lead, slipping into the seat on the near side of George’s bed. ‘Hello Great-Grandad. I hope it was okay that I came. I was at my pal Josh’s house, but he had a mad puking attack – seriously, it was everywhere – so I had to get picked up and then I talked my mum and…’ there was barely a hesitation, ‘… dad into letting me come here with them. They weren’t up for it at all, but my Auntie Val phoned Liv, she’s Auntie Val’s niece and everyone keeps saying things about it being a small world, whatever that means. Anyway, Liv said it was okay for me to come in here just for a little while, so I can’t stay long.’

  Tom knew, right there, that this was the proudest moment of his life and if he never experienced another high like this, it wouldn’t matter. This was everything. He wheeled over the adjustable stool, the one he sat on when he was shaving George, and took up a position beside Ben.

  ‘I wish you could see him, Grandad, he looks so like I did at that age. Maybe not quite as good looking,’ he teased, earning an indignant nudge from his son.

  ‘Don’t listen to him, Mr Butler.’ It sounded strange to hear Chrissie being so formal, but that was the way they’d been brought up to address that generation. Habit, too. She’d only ever called him by that name when she was a young girl speaking to her boyfriend’s grandfather, so it would have been odd to change now. ‘Ben is way better looking than Tom ever was. Smarter, too,’ she said, winking at her son. ‘But he does have his cheekiness.’

  Tom wanted to freeze this moment in time. There was so much to discuss, to learn, to make amends for, to explain, but right now he was in a room with the three people in the whole world that he loved and he wanted to keep a snapshot of this moment in his mind.

  ‘So we gave Tom a bit of a shock tonight,’ Chrissie continued. ‘But I think it was a good one.’

  ‘The best one ever,’ Tom heard himself saying.

  ‘Yeah, and I’m not mad about my dad not coming to see me before now, because he didn’t know about me,’ Ben added.

  Chrissie stepped in to explain. ‘I don’t know if you remember that I came to see you years and years ago, just after Tom left,’ she said. ‘Well, I was pregnant then. I didn’t want to say at the time. I wish now that I had because I think maybe things would have worked out differently. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I’m sorry if I put you in a tough position. I know my mother was keeping us apart…’ She paused and smiled at Ben. ‘If there’s any of this stuff you don’t understand, I’ll explain it all later, I promise.’ She went back to speaking to George. ‘And I shouldn’t have asked you to interfere, Mr Butler. I don’t know what I’d have done in your position, but I do know that I would do anything if I thought I was protecting my son.’

  ‘You’re an amazing woman, do you know that?’ Tom said gently. He knew exactly what Chrissie was doing. She had realised that his grandfather hadn’t sent that letter or told Tom anything about her visit back then, and she had two choices – she could hate him for the damage that he had done to their lives, or she could choose to forgive him while he w
as still here to hear it.

  Tom felt exactly the same. George had given him a lifetime of love, he had nurtured him, supported him, picked him up and cared for him. If he hadn’t passed the letter on, it would have been out of a desire to protect him. Besides, George hadn’t known about the baby, so he wouldn’t have realised what was at stake. It was a mistake, and he wished it hadn’t happened, but it didn’t wipe out thirty years of unconditional devotion. He loved his grandad. That hadn’t changed now and it never would.

  Besides, right now he was praying for forgiveness for a huge mistake too, and he could only hope Chrissie found it in her heart to grant it.

  Chrissie matched his gaze. ‘Thank you,’ she said. He’d always wondered if he would feel that same if he met her again after all this time, if he would feel that immediate connection and if the love would instantly reignite. After all, it was a teenage romance. A first love. Surely that would diminish over time? He realised now that the opposite was true. He loved her. He always had, and he still did now, more than ever.

  What he found inexplicable though was his instant connection with, and the colossal strength of his feelings for, Ben. Zero to love in a split second, like lighting a fire and watching the flames explode into something ferocious.

  ‘They’re getting soppy, Grandad. They’re totally staring into each other’s eyes, and my mum looks the way she does every Christmas when we watch Love Actually.’

  ‘Ben Harrison!’ Chrissie chided him.

  ‘Shouldn’t it be Ben Butler?’ he replied flippantly, in the way of a child who absolutely doesn’t realise the emotional weight of what he just said.

  ‘Yes, I suppose it should.’

  Tom couldn’t even take in what had just happened. Ben Butler. That sounded, oh, so right.

  ‘They’re staring into each other’s eyes again, Grandad,’ Ben drolled. ‘Oh, and I need to tell you, my dad’s hand is all bust up because he punched a guy in the face. I know I’m being a grass, but he wasn’t a nice man so it wasn’t a bad thing. Anyway, I need to go soon because Liv is going off shift and she’s taking me home. I hope you’ve heard all of this, Grandad. It was really nice to meet you. I’ll always remember tonight.’