Another Day in Winter

by Shari Low

  If Tom had any doubts about bringing Ben here this evening, that wiped them out.

  ‘Mum, I think you should stay, though.’

  ‘No, I’ll come home in case you want to talk…’

  ‘I’ll talk to Liv, and then Val and Don. Or I’ll talk to you tomorrow. I promise I’m good. If you come with me, then you’re leaving Dad here alone. Well, not alone because he can talk to Grandad, but he’ll have no one talking to him.’

  ‘How did you get so wise?’ Chrissie asked him, her love for him written all over her face.

  ‘Val. Definitely listening to Val,’ he joked.

  Liv knocked at the door. ‘Just about ready?’ she asked.

  Ben looked questioningly at Chrissie, and she surrendered.

  ‘Liv, would you mind just taking Ben back to Val’s house please? I’ll call her and tell her you’re on the way.’

  ‘No problem at all,’ Liv agreed. ‘I still can’t get over the fact that you lovely people are a family – and that I knew you all individually. I couldn’t be happier for you,’ she beamed. ‘Right, young man, let’s move it. And I absolutely will not stop at the McDonald’s twenty-four hour drive through on the way home. Absolutely not. I won’t. No matter how much you beg.’

  ‘I’ll buy you a McFlurry,’ he said.

  ‘Done,’ she agreed, chuckling.

  Ben hugged Chrissie and for a moment Tom thought that would be it, but just as he was passing him, he leaned in and hugged him too.

  Tom returned the embrace, desperately trying to stop tears of utter joy drop on his son’s head. He blinked them back, and cleared his throat. ‘See you tomorrow, son. I’ll be bringing your mum home and I’ll come in and see if you’re awake.’

  ‘If I’m not, will you wait until I wake up?’ he asked, his enthusiasm for this idea obvious.

  ‘Sure.’ He’d promised to see Shauna before she left. He wanted to stay with George. There was the irritation of Norry and Rosemary. No doubt Davie would rear his head at some point. But the most important part of the day just became the time he would spend with his son.

  ‘Cool,’ Ben replied. ‘Bye, Grandad,’ he said again. ‘See you later, I hope.’

  Tom moved to the chair Ben had been sitting in and automatically slipped his hand under George’s.

  Only when the door finally closed behind Ben and Liv did Tom speak to Chrissie.

  ‘I’ll never be able to thank you for him. Grandad would have loved him, too.’

  ‘I know,’ Chrissie replied.

  For just a fraction of a heartbeat, Tom thought he felt his grandad’s hand tightening on his.

  Thirty-two

  George

  I thought I was dead. It was the only explanation. I had been in a deep sleep and was stirred by hands on my face, stroking it, and I was sure it was my Betty. I knew she’d be the one to come for me when it was time.

  But then I heard her voice.

  ‘George, this is Flora.’

  She didn’t have to say her name. Her voice was still exactly the same as I remembered. I tried to make my way through the fog in my head. Flora had come for me? She was taking me to the other side? Was that how this worked?

  Or was this a hallucination, a trick of the mind, some stage between heaven and earth, where you made peace with the ones that you’ve loved and lost?

  Perhaps it was a rite of passage and, if it was, I was grateful, because Flora was saying things I’d waited a lifetime to hear.

  She forgave me. She understood. She knew the truth.

  If this was the first stage of death, I was happy to embrace it. I felt my heart soar, my soul lift, every part of me infuse with happiness and a peace that I hadn’t known for the longest time, since we were back in the days when my sisters still stood by my side.

  I surrendered to it. To death. To the process. To Flora.

  To peace.

  It was the sounds that made my thoughts clear. The creaking of chairs, the rustle of sheets, the sense of feeling someone next to me moving and breathing and weeping. It slowly came to me that I was still alive. Still in that hospital bed.

  Flora was real, not a spirit sent to guide me to the next life. I got the shock of my fading life and I tried – you’ve no idea how hard I tried – to open my eyes, to see her face. Flora. My sister.

  I pushed my mind to wake properly, to work, to explain to me how this could be, but it was beyond me. Then Flora explained, and there was another voice, a younger one, talking about Annie.

  Annie was her grandmother.

  It was hard to imagine that. I still pictured Annie as she was on the last day that I saw her, a young woman, furious, stubborn as a mule, defying those who had wronged her. Her hair was red, her cheeks freckled, her brow a furious frown.

  And yet, she’d become a grandmother, and now her kin was here, saying that Annie had passed away many years ago. Selfish that I am, and it gives me no pride to admit it, I felt a measure of joy in the hope that I would soon see her in the next destination for my imperfect soul.

  I listened to every word they both said, my strength returning by the minute and I shrugged off the sleep that was trying to claim me again.

  It’s impossible to measure the gratitude I felt that they were there, and for the things they were saying. It’s also hard to express the regret I felt that this conversation hadn’t happened back in 1958, or in the years soon after, when we could have made amends for the wrongs, real or perceived, that we had suffered and inflicted. Flora was right. What fools we had been. And while that thought pained me, it was numbed by the soothing anaesthetic of Flora’s words of forgiveness, of love.

  They didn’t stay long, but I heard Flora say that she would be back, that Arthur was here, too, that they’d had a happy life together. The comfort that gave me. For so long I’d been anguished that my actions had condemned her to a life in which she’d never find contentment and now I knew that was not the case.

  I wanted to thank her for what she’d given me, for removing that stain of regret from my soul, but my body would not let me. I hope she knew.

  When they left, I felt no sadness, only relief.

  If my life were taken from me right then, I would have gone to Betty and Annie willingly.

  It was not to be.

  And I will forever be grateful that it was not.

  Another touch, another voice and, again, I recognised it straight away. The tone was slightly different, matured with age, but by God, I had replayed our last conversation in my mind countless times over the last twelve years and I knew every lift and inflection in that lass’s words.

  Chrissie.

  She spoke kindly, she spoke of the past, and she spoke about understanding. It was more than I could ever have hoped for. The other person I had wronged in my life, relieving me of the burden of guilt that I had carried.

  There could be nothing more blessed or wonderful.

  At least that’s what I thought.

  And then Tom spoke too, and he told me about…

  Words fail me. If only my Betty were here with me to see this now.

  We have a great-grandson. Ben. He spoke and I only wish I could have shown him the wonder and happiness I was feeling, I wish I could have opened my arms and hugged the boy and told him how incredibly ecstatic I was that he was there. Even in his voice, I could hear our Tom when he was that age, and I can’t tell you the pride I felt.

  And the sorrow.

  That poor lass. She had been pregnant and I hadn’t helped her, yet she was here to tell me that she bore me no malice. That is a woman to be admired, a woman with compassion and I am overjoyed that she will be in Tom’s life again.

  None of this is the way I would have planned it. I wouldn’t have seen my Tom go through years aching for Chrissie. I wouldn’t have had him miss all those years with his bairn. But I am beyond grateful that I have lived to see him find them. And aye, I’m delighted that he punched that bastard, Davie, too.

  My biggest fear, my greatest sadnes
s, was that I was leaving our Tom alone in this world, without love to surround him and carry him forward. Now I can sleep, knowing that he has a family, a world without me.

  They’re still here now, Tom and Chrissie. I can feel a fear in the room, a heartbreak, an uncertainty. Right now, they have no words for each other, but I hope that will soon change, and it will be like a river bursting through a dam, finding its way home.

  Midnight – 8 a.m.

  Thirty-three

  Chrissie

  Chrissie opened her eyes and raised her head from the back of the chair as soon as she heard the door open. Tom came in with two cups of coffee. She should be hungry, given that she’d left before her meal was even served at the restaurant, but right now her body needed nothing other than to be here.

  Tom had insisted they swap seats, so that she was in the armchair by George’s bed, the one Tom had dozed in overnight for the last few nights. He had pulled the plastic chair from the other side round, so they were sitting next to each other now, chairs angled so she could watch him as he talked.

  There was so much to say, and yet, before he had gone for the drinks, they had both fallen into silence as they tried to absorb the magnitude of the day.

  Val had texted to say that Ben was asleep, that he was fine, that he was full of stories of his great-grandfather and that he said he was ‘buzzing’ to have met him and Tom. That made Chrissie smile. He never stopped surprising her.

  She took the coffee from Tom’s hand and smiled. ‘Thank you. Not just for the coffee, but for tonight. You were great with Ben.’

  To her surprise, his eyes filled with tears. ‘I know this sounds crazy, but, Chrissie, I feel such love for him already. It’s like my heart is going to explode in my chest. Does that even make sense?’

  ‘It does,’ she said, emotion choking the words. ‘Sometimes now, even at his age, I will go into his room to say goodnight and he’ll be sleeping and I’ll sit on the edge of his bed, just watching him, and think I couldn’t love him any more. That’s that feeling you’re talking about. Unconditional, unequivocal love for your child. I felt it the minute he was born and it’s why I moved away, left no forwarding address, cut all ties with everyone. I didn’t want Rosemary and Norry in his life. I knew they would only let him down, disappoint him, walk away from him, and I couldn’t bear the thought of him realising that two people who should love him didn’t even want to give him the time of day. Perhaps that was wrong, but I didn’t want him to feel a single shred of the devastation I felt every time Rosemary blocked my call, or rejected me, or made it clear she didn’t give a toss whether or not I was in her life. I didn’t want him to know that I’d told her I was pregnant and that she said it was my own fault and she wasn’t sorting out my mess. That’s what she called it. My mess. I didn’t want him anywhere near grandparents who wouldn’t love him more than life.’

  It was only now, vocalising it, that she realised how that sounded to him.

  He said it first, ‘And you thought I wouldn’t want him either.’

  She took a moment to answer. ‘I really thought you knew. Even if Rosemary hadn’t told you, I thought…’

  She didn’t want to say it out loud, but her eyes flicked to George, lying there, a shadow of the man he’d once been, and she hoped Tom would know the words she didn’t want to say.

  She really thought George would have got her letter to Tom, but he hadn’t. However, recriminations were pointless, so there was nothing to do but let it go.

  ‘I’m sorry I didn’t get it,’ he said softly. Of course he’d known what she was thinking. ‘I would have done anything to be with you.’

  ‘Thing is,’ Chrissie went on, ‘perhaps in some way it was for the best. We were so young back then, so naïve. Maybe if you’d come back and we’d given it a go, tried to bring up Ben together, then it would have been too much and we wouldn’t have made it. Perhaps we’d have been one of those couples that give it everything but eventually concede defeat, and then spend the rest of their lives driving the kids back and forward for alternate weekends of shared custody. I know you’ve missed so much, but Ben has only known happiness, only known love. He’s never heard his parents fighting or had to live through the pain of watching them walk away from each other. I think we have to stop with regrets, with wishing that this had gone another way, because, believe me, I never want to feel another moment of resentment or sorrow.’ As she said it, she knew every word was absolutely true.

  Tom was staring at her now, watching every movement of her face. No man had looked at her that way in so, so long, and yet she didn’t feel in the least bit self-conscious. ‘I don’t want you to feel that either. I know I don’t deserve you to trust me—’

  ‘That’s the crazy thing,’ Chrissie interrupted him. ‘I do trust you. The moment I saw you again, I realised that. I knew instantly, and I still do now. I see who you are, Tom. I always have. For a long time, I thought I’d been wrong, but I know now I wasn’t. I see you.’

  He leant forward, wrapped his arms around her, hugged her tightly for the longest time, and she could feel his shoulders shaking with emotion.

  Eventually, they released their embrace, leaving just their hands locked together.

  ‘I’ve got no right to ask anything of you,’ he said. ‘But where do we go from here?’

  Chrissie didn’t trust herself to answer for a minute or two.

  Where did they go from here?

  There was an instant reaction, but she bit it back. She wasn’t some young teenager now who could be impulsive and make spontaneous decisions. There was far too much at stake here.

  ‘I think we just take it day by day. Ben will be desperate to spend as much time with you as he can…’

  ‘Which is just as well, because I think I’ll be sitting on your doorstep waiting for him to wake up every morning.’

  A burst of pure delight made goosebumps pop out all over her body when he said that. ‘I think that’s called stalking,’ she said, happy to tease him and release some of the tension of the night.

  ‘I might be able to calm it down to every second day,’ he joked. ‘I’ll try to determine the level that crosses from “yay, he’s here” to “Oh God, it’s him again”.’

  It seemed so strange to be sitting here, in a palliative care ward, with a dying man by their side, and yet they were laughing. Was that wrong? Her thought must have shown on her face, because Tom immediately countered it.

  ‘I’ve no idea if my grandad can hear this, but if he can, he’ll be so happy, I promise you. He said to me once that his biggest sadness was leaving me on my own, but now he’ll know that’s not the case and, I promise you, inside he’ll be singing “That’s Life” and snapping his fingers.’

  ‘I hope so,’ she said, before another thought crossed her mind. ‘I know you said that you broke things off with your girlfriend today, but you never married before that? Never had children?’

  He shook his head. ‘Barely had a relationship,’ he conceded. ‘A few casual things, but nothing…’

  ‘You never fell in love again?’ she pushed, desperate to know. She’d kicked off her shoes now and pulled her feet up so that they were curled under her on the chair.

  ‘Sad and pathetic, Zoe called me today,’ he laughed. ‘Nope, never fell in love, never even came close.’

  She was sure the emotion she was feeling right now was surprise. Yes, that was it. Okay, maybe a little bit of relief, too.

  ‘What about you?’ he asked.

  ‘Married three times,’ she said solemnly, before the aghast look on his face made her feel like a terrible person. ‘I’m kidding!’

  ‘Oh, thank God,’ he gushed. ‘I promise I wasn’t going to judge you.’

  ‘You totally were,’ she said, trying not to laugh.

  ‘Okay, I might have been a little bit, but only because it’s been a crazy day and I might not be my usual stoic, non-judgemental self at the moment.’

  ‘You were jealous,’ she said, giving
in to amusement.

  ‘Maybe. I can’t possibly say,’ he countered, feigning innocence.

  This was without doubt the most bizarre experience of her life. She hadn’t seen him for twelve years and yet it felt like they were right back there on his doorstep, mocking each other, joking around, falling in…

  She stopped herself. That wasn’t what this was. That was the teenage Chrissie, not the “jaded by heartbreak” Chrissie. This adult version was far more cautious with her heart.

  ‘Well, there’s not much to be jealous about. Unless you count a passing crush on The Rock. My date with Davie was my first one in twelve years.’

  His jaw dropped. ‘You’re kidding.’

  ‘Again with the judging,’ she reprimanded him, with mock exasperation.

  ‘Honestly? But… but… Sorry, I’m just really surprised.’

  Chrissie shrugged. ‘Truth?’

  ‘Always,’ he answered.

  ‘I was pretty beat up about us for a long time. I also had absolutely no money, every penny I earned went towards the bills, with nothing left over for babysitters. Ben and I were fine though. It was just the two of us, and we got by. I made friends with the other mums at his school, he found a great little group of pals, and we lived this lovely little, skint but happy, life. The last thing on my mind was hooking up with someone. I didn’t have the time or the energy for it.’

  ‘I am so, so sorry,’ Tom said, emphasising every word.

  ‘No, it’s fine. I’m not saying it for sympathy, just saying how it was.’

  ‘I can’t get past the fact that Rosemary knew and didn’t keep in touch to find out if you needed anything.’

  ‘I wouldn’t have taken a thing from her anyway. Honestly, Tom, I never want to see that woman again. I know I should learn from your grandad’s estrangement with his two sisters, but this is different. That was a misunderstanding that caused two people who loved each other to fall out. My mother loves no one but herself and your father. I’m losing nothing. There’s no relationship to save. The reality is that you can’t make someone love you if they don’t. I think Bonnie Raitt said that,’ she joked. ‘But it’s true. I came to terms with that a long time ago.’