by Leaona Luxx
The elevator jolts when it begins to move, causing me to lose my balance. I throw my hands out to steady myself, one on the wall and one on his thigh. Shit. I freeze when he tenses, his muscle growing harder under my touch. Which only heightens my arousal.
“I’m sorry. So sorry.” I straighten myself as my pulse races full throttle.
“You’re fine...okay. It’s okay.” He turns his head, cracking his neck.
We come to a stop, and I’m first off the elevator. Chord’s hand spreads wide in the center of my back, and my body reacts with a shudder. How in the hell can his touch still drive me insane? Damn if I know. I’ll be damned if I care.
He slows, stopping in front of the penthouse. I quirk a brow when he flashes me his sly grin. He swings the door wide, stepping to the side. “Ma’am.”
“Thank you.” I throw a playful backhand into his stomach, meeting rock hard abs. My mouth goes dry, so I decide to put some distance between us. I make a beeline to the window, gazing at the view. “It’s beautiful.”
I feel the heat from his body before I hear him join me. “It is.” My eyes dart to his, he’s staring at me, not the view. “How long have you been here?”
I whirl around as he gets right to the point. I take off to the couch on the opposite side of the room. “Six years, there about.”
His brows pull low. “How long have you worked at the club?” He mumbles something as he takes his jacket off, joining me on the couch. I’m shocked to see he has tattoos on his arms, which makes me wonder where else I’d find them. I turn to him, tucking my legs under me. I can’t look at him, so I fix my stare on the couch.
“Close to five years. I started before the new owners took over,” I say absentmindedly as I trace the pattern on the material. “It’s not something I was excited to do, but I needed money.”
“I don’t think either of us thought this is where we’d be six years ago,” he huffs as the old pull tugs at my heart. We’ve always been connected in some way.
“Ain’t that the truth.” I quirk my brow.
He shrugs. “The sad truth but yeah, the truth nevertheless.” He stands, wandering to the fridge. “You want a drink?”
“Do you have a water?”
He pulls out two bottles. “I do, I still drink it more than anything,” he says, handing me the bottle.
I nod with a crooked smile. “Yeah, me too.”
He plops into the couch, kicking his shoes off. He faces me, curling his legs under him. His eyes meet mine and a thousand words are spoken. My heart seizes. “Where did ya go?”
“Mom.” I shrug as tears spring to my eyes. “As soon as I got home that day, there was a knock on the door. I hesitated answering it, knowing it had to be bad news but finally I did. Two big guys pushed themselves in, started searching the place. I tried to stop them but a third man came in.
“He grabbed me by the throat, pinning me to the wall, told me he would kill me if I screamed. He kept asking me where my mom was, had she been there and with who. Then he ran his hand under my dress, threatened to rape me if I didn’t tell him where Mom was. I’m not sure what changed his mind, but I was hysterical and couldn’t stop crying. They decided to leave, telling me they’d be back.” My stomach turns, cringing as I think of what could’ve happened. I swallow past the knot in my throat. I was so scared, not knowing what they’d do.
“Later that evening, she came home in a panic. Dale, the current flavor of the month, was selling coke for some drug ring in town. He and mom had a party with it instead of selling it. They got fronted some more by another guy and ran off with it.
“She was screaming at me to pack a bag, but I refused. We fought until I ended up running to my room. I thought if I could get in there, I could climb out the window and run. I tried to lock the door, but Dale forced it open. Mom came in, dumped my backpack out, and told me to grab what I could. I fought with her again. I was afraid she’d find my phone.
“I knew if I had to leave, I could take it and call for help. But Dale was ready to go and tired of us fighting. He came barreling in the room, hit me and busted my eye open. I had no more fight in me. I was afraid I’d end up killed.” I shudder at the memory, knowing this is the easy part of the story. Thinking about it has my chest aching.
“Dale dragged me to the car, and they took off. We didn’t stop until we crossed the state line. Mom knew she needed to switch addresses for the checks from my dad, so we had to settle down every few months. But then, they’d get paranoid and we’d move again.” I take a long drink from my bottle, my mouth bitter with the details I left out. I tremble as my eyes fill with tears. I need to tell him, but I’m terrified he’ll leave.
“Son of a bitch. I knew you wouldn’t leave without telling me, I knew it.” His hands shake as he laces his fingers.
“We ended up here because their money ran out. I turned eighteen, and she was done with me.” I fight the bile rising as my lip quivers.
“I’ve looked for you.” His face is marred with hate and regret.
Gasping, I clutch my chest. “You did? When?”
“I’ve had a private investigator the entire time, we looked everywhere.” He picks at invisible lint on his pants. “I just got an update Friday. You disappeared off the face of the earth, how?” He holds his breath, his brows pulled low.
“I had to change my name.” My heart plunges as I watch realization dawn on him.
“Fuck.” He runs his hands through his hair. “Sutton.”
My old nickname rattles me to the core, and my heart pounds in my ears. “Yeah, I made Sutton my first name.”
“What the fuck? Why didn’t I think of that?”
“Are you mad at me?” Panic sets in as I’m hit with a pang in the pit of my stomach.
“Damn straight, I’m mad as hell.” He rubs his hands on his thighs.
“It’s not like I had a choice, Chord. I’ve never had a choice as to what life hands me.” I point at my chest.
He rubs his forehead, his face growing red. “I know, I’m not mad at you. It’s that all this fucking time, I should’ve guessed.”
“I sent you letters.” My voice quivers as my anger grows. He’s not the only one allowed to be mad, I was alone too. “You sent them back or someone did.” I glance at the ceiling. “Honestly, I wasn’t surprised. It’s not like we were supposed to be together in the first place.”
“What in the hell does that mean? I loved you like I’ve never loved another person. We were perfect, and everyone knew it,” he growls.
“Why would my letters get returned? Are you sure someone in your family didn’t do it? Or maybe, a girlfriend?” I level him with a glare.
“My family loves you like they do me, and you damn well know that. It took a long fucking time before I dated again.” He points a finger at me. “And what letters? I don’t know a damn thing about you writing me.” He folds his arms across his chest.
“I wrote you several times a week. Even when they came back, I tried again. For years, I sent those fucking things, for nothing. No response, not even a ‘leave me alone’.” I jump to my feet, getting in his face. “They all said ‘Return to Sender’ so what the fuck was that about?”
“Return to Sender?” He cocks his head, and I’m caught up in his blue eyes. I look away, trying to keep my head straight. “Where did you send them?”
“Your house, where else?” I growl as his shoulders sag in defeat.
“We moved after you left, in February.” He shakes his head. “I couldn’t stand to be at school without you. The questions and gossip were more than I could handle. I graduated from South Brunswick.” He falls into the couch. We’re both wracked with hurt and disbelief.
“With One? Y’all went down to be with him.” I chuckle, not believing the fucked up’ness of the situation.
Pressing forward, I settle in across from him again. I need a little more from him before I can give anymore of myself. “So we’ve been chasing each other this entire time. What does that
mean?”
“It should’ve never happened, but it’s done now. All that’s left are broken pieces of us.” He stares out the window as dawn rises. We’ve spent many mornings watching the sun come up, but none have been like this one.
“Is there someone special?” I bite my nail, studying his face, hoping there isn’t.
“Huh! No.” He blows out a long breath. “I mean, I’ve dated.”
“Of course. You’re single and handsome, why wouldn’t you?” I fidget, turning away from him. What was I thinking, asking a question like that? He’s amazing, no doubt he’s had women.
He touches my knee, until I look at him. “None were ever you. Once I realized I was trying to fill the place you left, I stopped because I knew it would never happen.”
“So nothing serious?” I avert my eyes, not wanting to know the truth. He runs his finger over my foot, tickling me. “Stop, you know I can’t stand that.”
“There it is.” He smiles at me. “I was afraid life had taken it from you.”
“Taken what?”
“Your smile.” He shakes his head. “No, I’ve never been able to get close to anyone else.”
“Oh. I thought...” I wave off my thoughts. “Nothing.”
“You thought you were replaceable? Not a chance.” He cringes. “If you mean sex, yes, there were a few. Such a waste of time.”
The image of another woman in his arms crushes me. “I get it, you were lonely. You didn’t know if I’d ever come back.” I pull my knees up, wrapping my arms around them.
“Lonely? I wished it were that simple.” He leans over, hanging his head. “Fuck. I feel like I just told you I cheated on you.”
Tears well in my eyes, I feel the same way. “Not possible, we weren’t together. I understand, I do.” I gulp, swallowing the rising bile.
He turns to me, fear written on his face. “Did you, you know?”
I shake my head, fighting my tears. “No, I couldn’t.” I watch as he berates himself, his mouth forming a thin line. “It’s different for girls, I guess.”
“No, I guess you wouldn’t have.” He turns, facing me. “They meant nothing, Sarah. I promise you, I’ve only ever loved you.”
“Chord, stop. I can’t do this right now. Besides, is it even possible to still feel this way after all this time?”
“Who the fuck writes the rules on love? I don’t give a damn what anybody thinks, I know how I feel. How I’ve always felt about you.” He reaches for me but I deny him, moving across the cushion from him. We sit there, silently, for the longest time.
“You’re right, you’ve always been right here, Chord.” I lay my hand over my heart. “No one else has been here.” He moves to my side, our shoulders touching, watching the sun. After some time, he breaks the silence.
“I know it sounds insane. Hell, I often thought I was crazy waiting, but nothing else ever felt right. It was never you, never our love.” His forehead wrinkles.
“Now that, I understand.”
“Could you not call?” He tilts his head.
“I tried but you must have already moved. Mom stayed pretty close, waiting to see if she was gonna get killed or get me killed. I didn’t have a chance at first.”
“So what did you use as a last name? We searched for Sutton surnames.”
My stomach knots, I know what’s coming. I swallow past the lump in my throat. “Hamilton. I used Sutton Hamilton.” I clutch my belly, it feels like a rollercoaster.
“You used my name as your last name?” He rubs the back of his neck, releasing a heavy breath. “Wha-what happened...” I close my eyes, refusing to face him. I’m about to crush him with the truth.
“The baby?” My words are no more than a whisper.
Tears flood our eyes. “Yes. You left a letter, said you were pregnant, and there’s not been a day I haven’t thought about you both.”
“I was, Chord. I never meant for you to find that letter, I was shocked when you mentioned it. I wrote it with the intention of giving it to you, but I knew in my heart that’s not how I wanted you to find out.” I fight to dry my face, but there’s no hope of that.
“I shoved it in that book to keep Mom from finding it. When I went for the appointment, per doctor’s orders, I had to do a pee test. When she came back, she was holding it. I was shocked it was positive, so I asked for a blood test.
“I waited another hour before she came back with the same result. I lost it, told her there was no way. She explained that the days I missed because of the holidays, when they rescheduled my appointment, had to have been when it happened.”
“Thanksgiving?” To my surprise, he remembers.
“Yes.” My voice quivers. “I can’t believe you would know that.”
“All I’ve had was time to think.” He glances away. “Did you...your mom, did she make you?” This is it, no more holding back. Six years of hell and the truth comes down to this one moment.
“When Mom finally took time to pay attention, she realized I was pregnant but it was too late to terminate. I took another beating for that, and you damn well better believe if I hadn’t been pregnant, I’d have beat her ass.” I tremble with the memory, wiping my face with the back of my hand.
Chord’s hands are fisted on his knees. “Did she hurt you? Or the baby?”
“No, Chord.” I lean in, taking his hand in mine. I take a deep breath and pray he’ll understand. “I kept the baby, we have a son. He was born on a morning, just like this, on August twentieth.”
His lip quivers as his long held tears break free. He slumps over, the gravity of my words crushing him. He’s lost so much time. I slide my arm around him, holding him as close as possible.
“I’ve been so afraid you lost him. Or had to give him up. Knowing I wasn’t here to help you. I’m so sorry you went through this alone.” His words are broken as he tries to breathe through his tears.
“No, no. Chord, we couldn’t do anything.” I lay my hand on his face, pulling him to look at me. “I named him Silas Jordan Hamilton.” He pulls my hand to his mouth, kissing it.
“Silas, it’s perfect.” He smiles. “We have a son? A son. And he’s healthy?”
“He’s amazing. The best thing I’ve ever done, aside from you.” My tears fall as fast and hard as his.
“Where is he?” He hesitates. “With Luke?”
I nod. “Yes. Luke has been incredible to us. We would’ve never made it without him.”
“I understand.”
“I sent ultrasounds in the letters. Updates on us both, I still have them. I’m so sorry this is how you found out. I never imagined finding you again.” He reaches over, timidly drying my tears.
“You’re not to blame.” He ducks his head, making me look at him. “I’ve always known if you could’ve come home, you would have.” I nod, drying my face on the back of my hand. He grabs a box of tissues, handing me one.
“I promise, I would have. I wanted you with us.”
“I wanted to be here.” He holds my hand, caressing it. My heart beats wildly as it takes the reins. Can this even be happening?
I glance at him. “Would you like to meet him?”
His eyes narrow, blinking rapidly. “Can I? I mean, will he be okay? What will he think? Will Luke be okay with me coming over?”
“Hang on, do you think Luke and I? I told you there’s been no one else.” He cocks his brow. “He’s gay.”
“You said you live together. I thought maybe he held a torch. He’s gay?” Chord’s face scrunches up.
“We do and no, never. Obviously, I’m not his type. When my checks stopped, Mom disappeared. I knew Luke from the apartment building, he saw me sleeping in the stairwell after I got kicked out of our place. He invited me to stay with him.
“Luke worked at the club and helped me get a job there, washing dishes at first. After Silas was born, we got a bigger apartment. One of the many reasons I started dancing, we needed the money.”
“You took that damn job to take care of our
son?” His eyes glow with anger. “No fucking way this is happening. I can’t believe this shit.”
I scoot closer to him, laying my hand on his cheek. “No, Chord. Don’t do this to yourself, we didn’t do this. And I would’ve done anything to take care of our son because he was your son.”
He presses his hand into mine. “It kills me to think of what you’ve been through, Sarah.”
“We made it.” I shrug.
“You’ll never do without again, I promise you that.” He wraps his hand around mine, making my chest ache.
“Come on”—I stand, pulling him with me—“let’s go see our son.”
His eyes gleam. “Our son.”
Sarah stands at the door of her apartment, keys in one hand, my hand in the other. “You ready?”
I tremble. “As I’ll ever be.”
She drops my hand, unlocking the door. “Honey, I’m home,” she calls out as I step in behind her, almost hiding. She turns to me, nudging my shoulder. “Come in.”
The pitter patter of bare feet on the floor warms my heart. She kneels beside me as I sit on the couch, and a blue-eyed, brown-haired baby boy darts around the hall corner.
“Momma, you’re home!” Silas yells as she catches him, running full steam ahead into her arms.
“I am. Did you miss me?” Sarah kisses his cheeks, hugging him tightly.
He leans back, “I did but Unc said you’d be home soon.”
“Have you eaten breakfast?” she asks.
He shakes his head. “Just a bowl of cereal.”
Sarah giggles. “And we know that’s not enough for you, right?”
“Nope, ‘cause I eat as much as my daddy.” He’s all cheeks when he says it. I gasp at the reference to me. Sarah forgot to mention they talk about me.
“Yes, you do.” She playfully swats his behind. “How about we talk for a minute and then we can go get some real food?”
“Okay.” His eyes dart to me and narrow as he studies my face. The corner of his eyes crinkle, glistening as we come face to face. “He looks like my picture, Momma.”
