His Shadowed Heart ((Books We Love Regency Romance))

by Hazel Statham

  *****

  Some while later, seeing his wife’s lids become heavy, the earl rose to take his leave. “I will make one more visit to the nursery to see that all is right with Julia, and then I shall retire,” he informed her, rising to replace his chair on the hearth. “However, with your permission, I will leave the connecting door to my room open should you have need of me.”

  “I shall not disturb you, Richard,” assured Caroline.

  “But you already do, my love. You already do,” he said beneath his breath as he entered the corridor.

  He felt a closeness with his young wife that he had never thought possible. She revived emotions he had only dreamed of in his idealistic youth, when in his naivety, he had envisioned the joys of marriage. However, despite such revelations, his wounded heart would not allow that he should act on his imaginings and truly claim her as his wife.

  *****

  The sun streaming through the window the following morning brought Caroline to abrupt wakefulness and, her head paining her more than ever, she begged her maid to draw the curtain against its fierce light. She had no desire whatsoever to put foot to floor, the mere thought of such exertion proving unbearable. The door to the adjoining room had been closed, but seeing her mistress look toward it, the maid informed her that His Lordship had come into the room earlier but, seeing his wife still asleep, had gone to the nursery.

  “How is the child,” asked Caroline gruffly.

  “Much the same as you, my lady,” replied the maid. “My lord said that I was to inform him when you were awake,” and bobbing a short curtsey, she was gone in the direction of the nursery.

  A short time later, the earl appeared at the door. “Do you prefer that I should let you rest?” he asked with some concern before crossing the threshold.

  In answer, she held out her hand to him and he came and clasped it in both of his. “You look considerably paler this morning, my dear,” he said quietly. “Do I overtax you? Do you wish me elsewhere?”

  “You would wish me elsewhere should you succumb to the symptoms,” she said with a weak smile.

  “Never! I am of a stronger constitution than that,” he replied, smiling in return, then reaching into his pocket, he withdrew a small box and examined it thoughtfully before presenting it to his wife. “I bring you this in hopes it may make your suffering a little more tolerable,” and he watched her reaction from beneath lowered brows.

  Taking the box from his clasp Caroline carefully opened the lid. Reposing on a velvet cushion was a small intricate broach of seed pearls and sapphires with a center diamond.

  “It is a minor family heirloom,” he explained in a quiet voice. “I thought you might like to have it and it would cheer you a little.”

  “It is exquisite,” she whispered, her voice gruff with emotion.

  “It finds favor with you?” he asked guardedly. “You do not feel it below your approbation?”

  The pleasure of the moment clearly showed on her face. “How could it fail to delight, Richard,” she replied. “I have never owned such a piece. I shall scarce dare wear it.”

  “You surely will Caro,” he said, delight sounding in his voice. “Indeed, it has been remiss of me not to have brought other family pieces to you. I will speak to my banker today and they will be returned to my keeping.”

  “I beg you will not. There is absolutely no need, as I desire nothing more.”

  “There is every need, my dear,” he enthused, well pleased with her answer, an answer in complete variance to one that he had received in a like situation a few years previously. “Indeed, when you are more revived, I will commission a jeweler to make a special piece for you. One that reflects your character.”

  “Then it would be a very strange piece indeed, sir,” she chuckled.

  “It would certainly prove difficult to capture your essence,” he replied, bowing over her hand and, turning abruptly, he left the room.

  Thoroughly perplexed at his meaning, Caroline lay back against her pillows reaching once more for her handkerchief, desiring nothing more than to be left in peace.

  Chapter Six

  Entering his wife’s apartments a few days later, the earl was relieved to see that she appeared considerably improved, so improved that, dressed in a blue silk wrap, she was partaking of a light luncheon at a small table set by the window.

  “Splendid news, Caro,” he enthused, entering the room and indicating the parchment in his hand. “My agent has informed me that all the necessary changes have been affected at Lordings, indeed, the whole house has been refurbished. With the exception of your garden room of course, my dear, which remains untouched. You shall have the ordering of that whenever you desire. It is Dr. Leigh’s opinion that both you and Julia would benefit from a sojourn in the country and the thought occurred to me that perhaps you would wish to visit the house. The country air will do much to revive you and return some of the color to your cheeks. I am committed to the city for the next few days but I will join you as soon as I am able. What say you, my dear?”

  “So, you are eager to be rid of me, Richard,” teased Caroline, feigning hurt, “I thought it would not be long before you wished me gone. Now I know I have driven you to distraction with my coughing and sneezing,” and she gave a doleful sniff. “Am I then to be cast off, sir?”

  “Rogue,” he chuckled, tweaking her curls as he passed her chair to seat himself at the opposite side of the table. “Of course I am not compelling you to go. You may do as you wish, but as the season is nearing its close, the two of you would benefit far more from the country air than the stifling London streets. Julia is so pale and quiet that she worries me. Of course, I could send her with her nurse, but I would feel more at ease if she were in your company. I promise I shall not be far behind you.”

  “Then it is settled, we will go as soon as arrangements can be made, though I would so much prefer it if you were to accompany us.”

  He smiled ruefully. “I’m afraid on this occasion I cannot. I have neglected my duties in the House and at the Ministry long enough and there is a certain debate in which I wish to be involved. Comments would be made should I absent myself at this point in time.” Then, watching from beneath lowered brows for her reaction, “You will be well rid of my influence for a while and fare better without your tiresome husband.”

  Seeing this as a ploy, she refused to be drawn. “Yes,” she replied, appearing to consider the point, “you do become tiresome. Perhaps it’s as well that we should go alone.”

  Startled, he raised his eyes quickly to her face but seeing the teasing light there, he gave a bark of laughter. “Touché,” he grinned. “I am well served, madam. I have my true desserts.”

  “I will not puff you up and tell you how much we will miss your company,” she continued to tease. “It would not do that I should feed your vanity.”

  “Then I am disconsolate, my dear,” he said with mock penitence. “I had thought myself to have become, at least to some degree, not entirely unnecessary to you.”

  “You were never that, Richard,” she said, of a sudden serious, “Never that,” and extended her hand across the table to him.

  However, he ignored that hand. Involuntarily coming to his feet, he rounded the table and drew her up to stand before him. Gripping her shoulders and drawing her to him, he looked intently down at her, his eyes devouring her countenance. “Caro….” he began in a much altered tone, but he was cut short by the door to her apartment being thrust open and his hands fell immediately to his side as he turned to face the intruder.

  “Papa,” cried Julia, running into the room and depositing herself immediately into his arms as he bent down to receive her. The tears came in torrents, and he lifted her aloft trying to console her.

  The child’s nurse followed almost immediately in her wake. “It is naught but a tumble, sir,” she assured, “but the miss will not be comforted by any one save you. I tried, but she will have none of me.”

  Waving the nursemaid away, th
e earl went to sit in the winged chair by the hearth, holding his daughter comfortingly in his arms. His wife came immediately to kneel at his side in an attempt to divert the child and eventually her sobs subsided, but still she clung relentlessly to him.

  Eventually she drifted into sleep and he rose with her still in his arms. “I will take her back to the nursery,” he whispered. “She has tired herself out with crying.”

  Caroline nodded her understanding and went to open the door for them to pass through, watching as he traversed the corridor and mounted the stairs to the third story where the nursery was situated.

  Turning once more into the room, she went to sit in the chair he had so recently vacated and attempted to reconstruct the happenings before the interruption. There had been that in his manner of late that had led her to believe he was not entirely impervious to her. She was almost certain he had been on the verge of a declaration, and as she thought it over, the certainty grew, and to this end, she waited eagerly for his return, listening for his tread in the corridor. It did not come.

  As the day advanced, the likelihood that he would return diminished and she knew a great disappointment and a feeling almost of loss came over her. She knew he was not to dine at home that evening and therefore she would have no further chance of seeing him that day.

  Having left his wife’s apartments and returned Julia to the nursery, the earl had left the house by the rear stairway. He could not face Caroline again, such was the turmoil in his mind, and instead, declining the suggestion from his groom to order his carriage, struck out on foot toward St James’s with the intention of visiting Whites, whose portals were known to be ever open to its members.

  Knowing at this time of day there was little likelihood of encountering his cronies, he entered the club with the desire for solitude and made his way to the reading room, which, as he had anticipated, was almost devoid of company.

  The lone occupant of the room raised his head briefly from his journal to see who had entered but, also desiring privacy, returned immediately to his occupation.

  Taking a seat by the window, the earl ordered brandy and the sporting press from the attending steward, and sitting thus ensconced, he leafed through the papers, reading not one word, his attentions being otherwise engaged.

  Caroline had guessed his intent; a declaration had been on his lips, one that had come unbidden. Had he not vowed never to succumb to such feelings again? Yet they had risen to torment him and now he was grateful for Julia’s interruption, an interruption that had prevented him from appearing foolish. How could he trust these emotions that would rise and attempt to overrule all his resolutions? His feelings for Elizabeth had been instant. The moment he had seen her he knew his intentions, but Caroline, dear Caro—he had seen the sweetness of her nature but his passions were not immediately aroused. Rather, from an insignificant beginning, they had grown and she raised hopes he dare not contemplate. He had not realized how foolish had been his intention to attach her to him with the belief that he could remain impervious. He had believed his emotions to be irreparably wounded, but they had proved to be no more than bruised. So severe had been Elizabeth’s influence, that he dared not relinquish the guarding of his emotions, and yet, despite his resolve, Caroline had eluded that guard and crept unnoticed into his heart. Without being aware of it, she had spread her healing balm and soothed his savage rage; even bringing a belief that he could recommence a life that he thought had become insupportable. Dare he trust the hopes that would rise, or would the fates once more serve him a damning blow? Dare he renew his faith when he had endured such despair?

  The waiter arrived to refill his glass but he ordered him to leave the bottle, and casting aside the journals, gave up all pretext of reading. He had been engaged to dine with other members of the House but as the day wore on and candles were brought in, he decided to forgo the pleasure and, attempting diversion, instead repaired to the card room and there remained until the evening was well advanced.

  Leaving the club, a carriage was called to convey him to Waverly House, only the unnatural brilliance to his eye proclaiming his slight state of inebriation and leaning well back into the corner he closed his eyes until he felt the equipage halt at his door. Immediately the door opened, the light streamed across the pavement and he gained access to the brightly lit hallway, the porter bowing at his entrance.

  Taking a branch of candles that had been prepared for his use from the small table set at the base of the staircase, he started up the stairs, finding it necessary to make light use of the rosewood banister to steady his progress.

  Traversing the long corridor to his bedchamber, he paused momentarily outside his wife’s door, but as no light shone from beneath, he continued on to his own apartment. Closing the door quietly behind him, he paused in the center of the room. All was in darkness except for the pool of light cast by the candles he held and for a moment, their flickering caught the handle to the connecting door. Yielding to an irresistible temptation, he pressed the handle, and finding no resistance there, entered the chamber.

  As in his own room, all was in darkness, but turning to where he knew the bed to be he raised the candles higher so that their glow spread across the room, illuminating the sleeping figure there. Crossing to the bed, he knelt at her side and extinguishing all but one of the flames, placed the candelabra on a small table at the side of the bed

  The shadows of the remaining light played across Caroline’s sleeping countenance and he smoothed a lock of hair that had strayed across her forehead. He knew the desire that his lips should follow his finger’s course, but even in his state of inebriation, he knew this would be foolish. For several minutes, he watched his wife sleep, eventually placing his head upon the pillow beside her. His lips curved into a loving smile as his eyes drank in her sleep-softened countenance and he felt her breath caress his cheek. The longing to hold her became an almost physical thing and his arms ached with the suppressed desire. Eventually she stirred, muttering incoherently in her sleep, and he raised himself up. What foolishness is this, he thought. I am acting like a callow youth, and immediately he was on his feet. Snatching up the light, he went quickly out of the room, closing the door quietly behind him.

  *****

  The early morning meal at Waverly House was quieter than usual the following morning as husband and wife broke their fast in almost total silence.

  A feeling of guilt had passed over the earl when Caroline had joined him at the table and had greeted him with a guarded reserve that had been absent for quite some time. With thoughts of their last meeting fresh in his mind, he knew not how to open the conversation, knowing she must be confused from his previous actions. Eventually, in an attempt to remain noncommittal he chose what he thought would be safe ground, saying, “If you could make your preparations in time, I think it would be wise for you and Julia to leave for Lordings on the morrow.”

  “We will be ready,” she assured him unemotionally. “Indeed, as you say, it is perhaps wise that we should make the journey as soon as possible and then you will have no distractions.”

  “I will follow as soon as I can,” he replied, watching her closely. “It is hoped that the dealings in which I am involved will soon be concluded and I will be able to leave the House.” The butler came forward to refill his coffee cup and he waved him aside, dismissing him from the room.

  “You look pale, my dear,” he said, still attempting to retain his detachment, despite the emotions that urged him to do otherwise. “Do you think the journey would be too much for you, would you prefer to remain?”

  “I am perfectly well, Richard,” she replied, declining to meet his gaze. She had not been prepared for the coolness that existed between them and felt disinclined to further the discussion. She wished only to retreat to her own apartment and begin the preparations for their removal to the country, but a certain fascination for his company held her there. Hurt raged in her breast but belying her feelings, she said coolly, “Indeed, should you
wish to remain in London after your business is concluded, you are free to do so. Julia and I will deal very well at Lordings.”

  He looked sharply at her, disbelieving her emotions could be at such a complete variance from the previous day. “I shall come to you as soon as I am able,” he reiterated.

  “There is no need to put yourself out on our account,” she replied, still contemplating the tablecloth.

  “You would wish me elsewhere?” he chided lightly.

  This did have the power to make her look up. “Yes—no,” she replied in some confusion. “You must do as you wish, Richard. We will not lay claims upon your time.” Pushing back her chair, she rose to go.

  Quickly he was on his feet and at her side, reaching out to detain her, but she evaded his grasp and moved toward the door. “If you will but inform me when we are expected to leave, I will ensure all is in readiness,” she said over her shoulder as she passed from the room.

  “Damnation,” he swore, throwing himself into his vacant seat. Will I never free myself from this reserve? He had desired nothing more than to gather her to him and remove all misunderstandings, but he had held back, unable to make that final commitment. Now the child thinks me uncaring, he thought, but I dare not lay myself open to rejection. I dare not declare myself until I am more certain of her response.

  As the day wore on, the opportunity for healing discourse between husband and wife slowly drifted into oblivion, both feeling the other unapproachable.

  *****

  The following morning, having no desire to face her husband and repeat the previous day’s misunderstandings, Caroline ordered breakfast to be served in her own apartment. All was in readiness, needing only the order that the coach was ready. This came as the clock chimed nine and, sending her maid to the nursery to inform Julia and her nurse, she made her way down to the hall.