Wanderlust (1986)

by Steel, Danielle

  How do I know I'll ever get back here again, Charles? Going to Harbin means a lot to me.

  Why? Just because your father went there. Audrey ' darling, please, be sensible. But her eyes unexpectedly filled with tears, and he hated disappointing her. He tried to reason with her as best he could. It's going to be freezing up there. I was there in November three years ago, and it was below freezing. Neither of us is equipped for that. The excuses sounded lame to her and she didn't want to give in.

  We can buy what we need here. It can't be that cold, for God's sake. Charlie, I just want to see it. She looked imploringly at him. This was a pilgrimage for her.

  Harbin is seven hundred miles from here. Darling, be sensible.

  But she didn't want to be. We've come nearly six thousand miles and at this very moment I am more than eleven thousand miles from home, the way I came, somehow seven hundred miles does not sound like an insuperable distance to me. She was stubborn when she wanted to be.

  You're being unreasonable, Aud. I thought we'd start back toward Shanghai tomorrow.

  Charlie, please ' . Her eyes begged and he didn't have the heart to say no, but he made her promise that they wouldn't stay in Harbin for more than a day. They would go up, look around, and come straight back, and leave Peking for Shanghai the following morning. She promised to do as he said, and they spent the afternoon buying warm, well-padded clothes. It was more difficult to find clothes here that accommodated Western bodies. In Shanghai they would have had an easier time, but they had to make do. The trousers that Audrey bought were too short, but the fur jacket and warm stockings fit her well, and she was able to buy men's boots that just fit her. Charlie didn't do quite as well, but he insisted he'd be warm enough in the odds and ends they acquired for the brief trip.

  And in the morning they took the Japanese-owned Chinese Eastern Railway for the seven hundred-mile journey north across the Manchurian plain. The trip should have taken eighteen hours, but took more than twenty-six, with countless stops and delays, and the Japanese stopping and searching the cars at every station. Their longest stops were at Chin-chou, Shen-yang, Shuang-liao and Fu-y++, but at last just before noon they pulled into the Harbin station. The first thing they saw was a cluster of old Russian women on the platform, with three chubby, rosy-cheeked children in their care, a few dogs sniffing around in the snow, and a bonfire burning nearby where men in Manchurian garb warmed their hands and smoked pipes, sharing the local gossip. There was also a horse-drawn fire engine nearby, the smell of smoke and the frothing at the horses' mouths from their morning's work told them there had been a fire. Charles had also been right, it was freezing here and there was snow on the ground as they left the train and looked around at the long rows of cars and rickshaws. Audrey looked enchanted as they found an ancient car to take them the short distance to the Hotel Moderne, and Charlie looked less than pleased.

  He would have preferred to have been on his way to Shanghai on the first leg of the journey west, but she had been so stubborn about this that he had decided to indulge her. She had her own mind about some things, and this had proved to be one of them.

  As it turned out, the Hotel Moderne was full, since half of the rooms were being repainted. And they were referred to a small cozy hotel with a bright fire burning in the living room that served as a lobby. There hadn't been any visitors for months, and the old man at the desk was happy to see them. He regaled them with tales of the floods of '32 and gave them one of their two guest rooms, and Audrey rubbed her hands as she looked around and gazed happily at Charlie. Isn't it wonderful? She beamed at him and he laughed. It's more like Russia than China. They had heard a lot of Russian spoken on the way to the hotel, and the town was heavily populated by Russians. It was only two hundred miles from the Russian border.

  He looked considerably less delighted than she did. I suppose you'll want to go to Moscow next.

  No, I won't. Now be sensible, Charles. Admit it, wouldn't it have been a shame to miss this? It looked like a scene on someone's Christmas card, but Charlie was not feeling very festive.

  He wagged a finger at her as she warmed her hands by the fire. We are going back to Peking tomorrow. That's clear, isn't it?

  Perfectly. And in that case, I want to have a good look around today. Do you have my camera? He handed it to her, loaded with film, and she picked up her heavy jacket again. It was barely warm enough for the freezing weather.

  Where are we going? He looked at her with an expression of mock pain. I suppose you have the day's torture planned for me. She always knew exactly what she wanted to do. And the man at the desk had said something about Hu-lan being an interesting place. It was about twenty miles away, but the car that had driven them from the station could be hired for a trip to Hu-lan. She shared the news with Charles and he groaned. Can't we stay here? Haven't we come far enough for one day?

  She looked at him in brief annoyance and picked up her jacket and camera. You can stay here if you want. I'll be back for dinner.

  What about lunch? He looked like a mournful child as he followed her out to the main room, and the wife of the man who had rented them their room immediately began to wave from the kitchen doorway. She had piroshki and hot borscht for them, and after that, Charles was somewhat mollified as they went outside in the freezing air to find the car that had brought them from the station.

  Audrey smiled a few moments later as they made their way through the streets of Harbin, glancing at the signs alternately painted in Chinese and in Russian, but in many ways it looked more like a European town than an Oriental one, and here as in Shanghai, one heard an assortment of languages in the streets, French, Russian, less English than in Shanghai, and a Manchurian dialect as well as Cantonese. She was fascinated by the clothes people wore, the fur hats, the odd little coats, and here, as in the rest of China, everybody seemed to be smoking.

  The driver they hired showed them the American Bank and drove them toward Hu-lan, but he insisted to Audrey and Charles that the road was blocked before Hu-lan and they would not be able to go all the way. Instead they threaded their way down narrow roads heaped with snow and past picturesque little farms and buildings, as he explained about the soy crop to them. And they passed a little stone church half an hour out of Harbin and when Audrey inquired about it, the driver said it was French, and just as he spoke a young girl in a thin silk dress came running into the road, attempting to flag them down. She appeared to be barefoot at first, but as she approached the car, Audrey saw that she was wearing blue cotton slippers and although her feet had not been bound, they were tiny. She was speaking frantically to their driver in a dialect that sounded unfamiliar to Audrey and Charles, and she was waving frantically in the direction of a wooden building.

  What does she want? Audrey leaned forward, sensing that somehow the child was in danger, and the driver glanced back at her with a shrug.

  She says that bandits killed the two nuns who run the orphanage. They tried to hide in the church and the nuns would not let them. He spoke in careful English and all the while the young girl continued to wail and wave her arms frantically back toward the church and the adjoining building. Someone have to bury them but it too cold now. And someone have to take care of the children.

  Where are the others? Audrey spoke quickly as Charles listened to the exchange. How many nuns are there?

  The driver spoke to the girl again, speaking up in a loud singsong voice, and she answered him quickly. He turned and translated for Audrey and Charles, who was sorry they had come on this misbegotten leg of the journey.

  She say only the two who are killed. The other two left last month. They go to Shanghai, then to Japan. And next month two more come instead. Now no nuns here at all. Only girl. They all orphans.

  How many of them are there?

  He asked again, and got the answer with a long sorrowing wail. She say twenty-one. Most of them very small. She and her sister are oldest ones there. She is fourteen, her sister eleven. And the nuns dead in the c
hurch. He seemed nonplussed and Audrey looked horrified as she swung open the car door and stepped outside, at almost the same instant Charles grabbed her arm and stopped her.

  Where do you think you're going?

  What are you going to do? Leave them there alone with two dead nuns? For heaven's sake, Charles, we can at least help them sort things out, while someone calls for some officials.

  Audrey, this is not San Francisco or New York. This is China, Manchuria in fact. Manchukuo, as the Japanese call it and they are in occupation here. There is a civil war on to boot, there are bandits everywhere, and there are orphans and starving children all over this country. Babies die here every day, and so do nuns. There isn't a damn thing you can do about it.

  She glared furiously at him, wrenched her arm free, and sank into the snow beside the car, looking directly at the shivering girl. Do you speak any English? She enunciated the words carefully and the girl looked at her blankly at first and then began chattering frantically, waving at the church. I know. I know what happened. Christ, how was she going to speak to this girl? And then suddenly she remembered something the driver had said. The nuns had been French. Vous parlez fran+oais? She had studied French in school, and it was rusty but it had gotten her through the time she spent on the Riviera. The girl answered her immediately in halting French, still waving at the church, as Audrey followed her and spoke slowly, assuring her that she would try to help her, but she was in no way prepared for the sight that met her as they entered the church.

  The two nuns lay with their clothes torn off, they had obviously been raped, and after that they had been beheaded. Audrey felt instantly faint as she looked at the pool of blood, and was grateful for the strong arm she felt behind her to support her as she gagged and wretched. She turned to see Charlie's pale face and tightened lips, and he growled at her and physically pushed her and the girl back the way they had come, and away from the hideous sight that had met them.

  Get out of here, both of you. I'll get someone to help. Audrey quickly grabbed the girl's arm and propelled her back outside the church, but now the girl pulled her toward the other building. And Audrey was even less prepared for what she saw here. The moment the door opened, she was instantly surrounded by sweet little Chinese faces, anxiously turned up at her, all of them solemn, and a few of them crying softly. Most of them seemed to be four or five years old, only a few appeared to be around six or seven, and there were at least half a dozen who were barely more than toddlers. Audrey looked at them in amazement, wondering what would happen to them now. The fourteen-year-old and her sister couldn't possibly take care of them all, and now that the nuns were gone, there was no one to help them except a Methodist minister from town who was out in the distant countryside for several weeks. She turned to the girl who had flagged them down on the road, and asked her whom they could call to help, only to be met with enormous frightened eyes and a shake of the head. In halting French once again, she explained that there was no one.

  But there has to be, she insisted in the voice she had used to run her grandfather's house for almost twenty years. The girl repeated the same answer, explaining that the two new nuns would come the following month. Novembre, she kept insisting, Novembre. And until then? The girl turned up empty hands and then turned to look at the children around her, nineteen of them excluding herself and her sister. And then, almost mechanically, Audrey found herself wondering if they had eaten. She wasn't sure when the nuns had been killed, and none of the children were old enough to fend for themselves, except the one who spoke French to her and her sister. And when she inquired, she discovered that none of them had eaten since the day before. Considering that, it was remarkable that none of them were complaining. Where is the kitchen? The girl led the way, and Audrey found a neat, orderly little kitchen with primitive facilities, but a small adequate stove, and a cold room. They had two cows of their own for milk, a goat, and numerous chickens, a huge store of rice, and some dried fruits from the summer before. There was a small supply of meat that had been carefully preserved, and the nuns had done some canning in the fall. In as little time as possible, Audrey made them all eggs, toasted a thin slice of bread for each one, and gave each one a sliver of goat cheese and some dried apricots. It was the richest meal they'd been served in a long, long time, and they looked at her with wide eyes, as she matter-of-factly served them and stood back to observe the scene. She was wearing the apron the nuns had worn, and they stared at her with wide eyes as she prepared the meal, and poured each one a small glass of milk. Only the two older girls held back. They were the ones who had found the two dead nuns, and it was obvious that they were badly shaken. Audrey encouraged them both to eat and at last, reluctantly they took a small plate of eggs and some of the goat cheese, chattering to each other and watching Audrey.

  She was cleaning up in the kitchen when Charles came in. He was wearing a grim look and his hands and trousers were bloodstained. We wrapped them in some sacks, and put them in a shed out back. The driver is going to bring some officials out later and they'll take them away. All contact the French Consul in Harbin when we go back. He looked exhausted and upset by the horror of what he had just dealt with, and Audrey quietly handed him a plate with some bread and goat cheese. She was brewing a pot of tea for him as well, but he was sorry she had nothing stronger. He could have used a strong drink at that point, or at least some brandy.

  They'll have to send someone to take care of the children. There's no one here, Charles. Apparently, there were two other nuns who went to Japan last month, and two others were coming to replace them in November. But now, there won't be anyone here to take care of the children.

  He gestured discreetly to the two older girls. They can handle it for a while.

  Are you kidding? They're fourteen and eleven. They can't take care of nineteen children. They hadn't even eaten since yesterday. Charlie looked at her pointedly with sudden fear. What exactly are you saying, Audrey?

  She stared right back at him, and there was something hard in her eyes. I'm saying that someone has to come here to take care of these children.

  I got that. That much is clear. And in the meantime?

  You go into town and talk to the Consul, and tell them to send someone out. She said it in measured tones and he didn't like the sound of her voice. He had an uneasy feeling that he wasn't going to like what she was going to do. And he was right, he discovered a moment later.

  Where are you going to be while I'm talking to the Consul?

  Here, with them. We can't just leave them here, Charlie. You just can't do that. Look at them, most of them are two or three years old.

  Oh for God's sake, he slammed his plate down and stalked across the room. I thought that's what you were saying. Look, dammit. There's a war on here, or damn near anyway. The Japanese are in occupation, the Communists are raising hell. You are an American, and I am a British subject, we have absolutely nothing to do with what goes on here, and if two goddamn French nuns got themselves killed by some bandits it's not our goddamn problem. We should never have come here in the first place. If you had any damn sense we'd be in Shanghai by now, and heading west by tomorrow morning.

  Well, that isn't what we did, dammit, Charlie, and whether you like it or not, we're in Harbin, and there are twenty-one children here, abandoned orphans without a goddamn living soul to take care of them. And I'm not leaving them until someone else shows up. For God's sake, they'll die here, Charlie. They don't even know enough to feed themselves.

  Who the hell appointed you as their keeper?

  Who? I don't know. God! What am I going to do, just get back in the car and forget them?

  Maybe. I told you, there are children starving to death all over China. They're dropping like flies in India, Tibet, Persia ' what are you going to do, Audrey? Save them all?

  No. She spoke to him through clenched teeth. But she had seen enough of those children in the past few weeks and felt desperate each time she did. She was helpless to help them, bu
t this time she was not turning her back. She couldn't. She was staying with these children until someone else arrived. It was a side of her he had never seen, and it was driving him crazy. I'm going to stay right here, until someone comes to help, so get your ass back to Harbin and talk to the Consul.

  While he was gone, Audrey put half a dozen of the children down for naps, fed more food to some of the others, straightened up the kitchen again, and watched two of the children milk the cows. Everything seemed to be in good order, and she was pleased to see Charles return at six o'clock, but he didn't look happy as he stepped out of the car, and she wondered what the Consul had told him. She didn't have long to wait to find out. He slammed the door as he walked into the house, and his lips were a long, thin, taut line as he confronted Audrey.

  Well? He could already tell that she wasn't giving an inch and he wanted to shake her. He had had a hideous afternoon, beginning with the removal of the nuns, and ending with his battle with the Consul.

  He says that he has no control over the Catholic Church, and no responsibility for these nuns. Apparently they've been giving him a hard time for years, and he told them to get out two years ago. He will send someone for their bodies tomorrow or the day after, but he will not take responsibility for the orphans. As far as he's concerned, the orphanage should be 'disbanded.

  Disbanded? What the hell does that mean? Just push them out in the snow to starve? She had never been so angry at him.

  Maybe. I don't know. Give them to the locals. What are you going to do? Adopt them?

  Don't be so damn unreasonable for chrissake, Charlie. I can't just walk out on these children.

  Why the hell not? He was screaming at her in total frustration. You have to dammit, Audrey. You have to! We have to go home. I've got my articles to write, you have to get back to the States ' what are you doing in Harbin with twenty-one orphans? He sounded so desperate that she smiled at him and for the first time all day she leaned over and kissed him, her anger suddenly vanishing. She was just so worried about the children at the orphanage.