Love, Lust & Faking It

by Jenny McCarthy

  The moral is: be careful out there, ladies. One in four girls has herpes today! Like the saying goes, “Herpes is the gift that keeps on giving.” And if you’re not smart, you might have to get yourself a merkin.

  [17]

  Threesomes

  I think at some point almost everyone has at least fantasized about doing a threesome. Then there are those who have done them and those who are willing to try it out for the sake of experimentation. I’ll come right out and say that on Howard Stern I openly admitted to enjoying a threesome. I was a Playmate, and shit just happens when people are always naked.

  One thing I have noticed is that the younger generations seem to be much more open to threesomes. When I asked girls in their twenties if they had tried it, the majority of them said yes. Mind you, this is L.A. When asked girls in their thirties, half said yes, the other half said no. When I asked girls in their forties, only about one-eighth said yes. So if each generation is obviously becoming more open to multiple people in the bedroom, what does the future look like? If we evolve as time goes on, are we supposed to be a little more lax about monogamy? I wonder about it all the time. All you have to do is watch Animal Planet to see the dominant male lion sleeping with all his lion bitches. Or you can just switch the channel and see Jesse James and Tiger Woods doing the same thing.

  But what do we do about this growing interest, to ask another canooter to join us in the bedroom? Do we open our minds and see what it’s like, or do we close the door on the possibility of experimenting? I reached out to Patti Stanger, who stars in the hit Bravo TV show Millionaire Matchmaker, to help me out on this topic. She is very successful at hooking people up, and has heard just about every request from men around the world. I sat down with her at the Polo Lounge in Beverly Hills to discuss threesomes, next to a table of fifteen Kennedys celebrating a birthday. Just for shits and giggles, I purposely talked extra loud.

  JENNY: How often do you hear about couples wanting to have threesomes?

  PATTI: Well, I hear the clients coming to me, especially the men, “I want you to screen for breast implants and bisexuality, and I’d like to do threesomes.”

  And I say, “Look, I’m not Heidi Fleiss, that’s not written on my head. I’m not going to jail for you, buddy. You want to do it, you have to do it with two consensual adults—and I wouldn’t exactly approach it right away in the beginning of the dating stages. You gotta feel it out; after you’ve had, you know, sexual intercourse and you’re monogamous, and then you bring the other party in. But be clear! If she’s on the cusp and bisexual, she could leave you, because I see more women leave for the woman than stay with the man.

  JENNY: What?!

  PATTI: You heard me.

  JENNY: Really?!

  PATTI: Yes.

  JENNY: Okay, so the girl ends up having another relationship with the girl?

  PATTI: Because there’s an emotional connection. And if you open that can of worms, be prepared to eat it, is what I like to say. Also another danger can occur when the man leaves the wife for the third party. One of my closest friends got a trainer because she wanted to work out. She and the female trainer really started to bond. She decided to bring her trainer home as a birthday present for her husband, and they did a threesome. He wound up leaving her for the trainer!

  JENNY: What?!

  PATTI: He left her for the trainer, and she got pregnant. The trainer got pregnant! Gets better. Then the jerk had another threesome and he left the trainer for the other girl in the threesome.

  JENNY: What a man whore!

  PATTI: It can obviously get out of hand. Couples need to be careful.

  JENNY: You said this was a birthday present to her man. Are threesomes a popular birthday present?

  PATTI: Yes. That’s the time of the year. That’s the birthday present. It’s usually the five-year-, seven-year-itch marriage time, when you’re not getting your kicks anymore.

  JENNY: How common is it for threesomes to go bad?

  PATTI: It’s common. I have another friend of mine, I can’t say who that person is, and I said to him, “What’s the reason you got divorced from your wife? You were married to her for thirteen years.” And he says to me, “We got too crazy sexual.” Now this is a very good-looking sexual guy… It turns out they were doing threesomes and it became an addiction. Then there’s no intimacy between the two parties. It could become like, “That’s our Friday night date.” And then Saturday you’re like, “Okay, what’s next?”

  JENNY: Trying to top it.

  PATTI: It’s like you start with pot, then you end up on cocaine, then you’re on crystal meth, you know, living on the streets.

  JENNY: But what do you do, or tell a couple, or give advice to somebody that has a bit of a stale relationship who says, “Maybe this could help us get over a hump?”

  PATTI: A sexual therapist.

  JENNY: Really? What would a sexual therapist do?

  PATTI: There are certified sexual therapists that actually get in the room. You have to research this online, you have to make sure they are accredited, and they will get in the room and direct you two.

  JENNY: No! But isn’t that creepy?

  PATTI: After a couple glasses of wine, you don’t care. Because a lot of women are not climaxing during intercourse, because it’s only 30 percent of the population that does…

  JENNY: Seventeen percent.

  PATTI: Now it’s down to 17 percent?

  JENNY: Yes.

  So then how can a sexual therapist teach you to spice things up?

  PATTI: So I think what happens is, you bring this therapist in the room, and you guys can really have the Kama Sutra, the kundalini, awakened. Remember, the kundalini can only be awakened at the serpent chakra when you’re in love. You can’t just do it for sexual gratification. So you want to get someone who’s pretty open-minded and well versed in basic psychiatry skills; as far as, you know, marriage-family counseling, and knows all the medications, because some people are on meds and that’s why they can’t climax. And sometimes they get naked. And sometimes they bring in their partners to show how it’s done.

  JENNY: Shut up! Who gets naked?

  PATTI: The best thing is the Better Sex videos.

  JENNY: No wait, back up. Do the couples get naked?

  PATTI: They could, and have, from what I’ve heard. But people could also get videos to watch and learn ways of spicing things up. The Better Sex videos are the best thing on the market.

  JENNY: Okay, but does this look like the Real Sex series, where they all have like zucchini tits?

  PATTI: No, these are good-looking people.

  JENNY: So are you open to couples watching porn?

  PATTI: Yes, porn is fine. Because you’re going to lose interest. You can only stay sexually attracted for so long. My mother says it eventually dies, so you have to have humor and you have to have an emotional connection and then you’ve got it all. And if you can be sexually satisfied and have those three things you probably won’t leave … doesn’t matter if Brad Pitt falls from the sky, you’re not gonna leave.

  JENNY: I have a Brad Pitt story later in the book.

  PATTI: Did you have sex with him?

  JENNY: You’re gonna have to read the book to find out.

  PATTI: Bitch.

  JENNY: So let’s just say, by chance, people reading this still want to try out a threesome.

  PATTI: You can try a threesome. There are rules, though, that would help make it not end in a disaster.

  JENNY: Like what?

  PATTI: Go to Vegas. Buy it. Get a professional. She cannot get emotionally attached. Get a clean professional in one of the cathouses that have been pre-screened by a doctor. Now the reverse is harder, two men and a woman.

  JENNY: So the majority of women haven’t had two men and a woman?

  PATTI: Straight men don’t wanna cross swords.

  JENNY: That’s right, they don’t, do they?

  PATTI: No, they’re afraid that they’re going to b
e considered “gay.” And that’s the hardest thing for a man to do.

  JENNY: That’s kinda not fair. Don’t you think that if we allow a girl in the bedroom, we should also be allowed a guy?

  PATTI: What usually happens is the husband says, “What about if we do two couples?” And now you’re swinging. So that’s how you cross the street to swinging.

  JENNY: That’s the gateway.

  PATTI: That’s the gateway!

  JENNY: And then you’re on HBO’s Real Sex sucking on zucchini tits.

  PATTI: Exactly.

  [18]

  Fetishes: The Need to Get Kinky

  My friend Kelly worked as a paramedic and she said she loved her job because there was always something different each day. I could barely handle having my period every month, so I’m always amazed by the ability paramedics have to not vomit on their patients. Anyway, she was telling me a story about a call she and her partner answered. The 911 operator told them the man wouldn’t say what was wrong with him. He just said he needed help. They tried knocking on his door, and he shouted, “Please break the door down and come in.” So Kelly and her partner tried kicking the door down and couldn’t. She shouted, “Sir, we can’t break the door down. We are going to call in the fire department to break it down.”

  “No! Please don’t!” the man exclaimed. Kelly replied, “Can you tell me what’s wrong with you, sir? Are you hurt?”

  “I have a situation here, and I can’t move.”

  “Well, the fire department is on their way.” From that point on all they heard from the man was profanities.

  BOOM BANG!

  The firemen broke the door down, and they rushed inside the apartment. They found the man lying on the floor, naked, with a large frozen fish sticking out of his ass. They all stood there, shocked, just staring at this guy, who was lying on his stomach crying. The firemen were holding back laughter. Kelly said to the man, “What’s your name, sir?”

  “Mike.”

  “Okay, Mike. Did someone do this to you?” she asked.

  “No, I get off by sticking things up my butt. I put the frozen fish up there, and it started to dethaw in my ass, so when I tried pulling it out, the scales started ripping my anus.” (For all those who saw my movie Dirty Love, I put this in a scene.)

  The entire fire department let out a gasp. Kelly got on her knees and started to examine his ripped anus. She knew there was nothing she could do without causing more tearing and pain. “We’re gonna have to take you to the hospital, Mike.”

  “No! For the love of God. I can’t be seen like this. I’m an executive.” They put Mike on a sheet so he could remain on his stomach and then lifted him onto the gurney. The frozen fish was sticking out of his butt by four inches. It was just the tail end of the fish sticking out, and they were so grateful the fish was dead. They wheeled him through the elevator, into the ambulance, and then into the emergency room, where she had to tell the doctors about Mike’s fishy fetish. They knocked him out, lubed his butt, and removed the fish. Since then, Kelly said, there have been a couple of other different types of fetish calls from all types of people, but nothing as entertaining as the “bass in the ass.”

  Sexual fetishes are defined as a sexual attraction to objects or material not normally considered sexual. They are considered healthy if you don’t get stuck obsessing on them. One should also not kill anything, like a fish, hamster, or human. The majority of men I have talked to seem to have a foot fetish. I dated a guy once who would only reach orgasm during sex by turning around and looking at my feet. I would always get annoyed because I went through so much hell to get my boobs done, and the guy would only look at my feet. I even tried to keep them ugly in hopes he would look at my face during sex at least once, but no such luck. Feet were his boobs.

  According to my Twitter poll, the majority of women liked their hair pulled. Hair pulling is more of a pain fetish, and I am guilty of enjoying the occasional pull myself. The problem is that most guys don’t realize it’s mostly about the timing of the hair pull and not the pull itself. The perfect time is once we start really getting into it and might reach orgasm, not the first thing on the list. Also pulling too hard, to the point that your partner feels like her head is going to snap off, is not a good thing. There were a few times I nearly punched boyfriends in the head for almost decapitating me.

  I thought I would end this chapter by enlightening you with some interesting/disturbing fetishes that I have turned up in my research. Not only are these things real, they actually have freaking names:

  Hybristophilia: Sexual relations with a convicted criminal. (I always wondered who those women were that married guys on death row. They’re hybristophiliacs!)

  Formicophilia: In which seeing insects crawling on the genitals leads to sexual arousal. (They should just get crabs, and their life would be complete.)

  Autagonistophilia: Unlike exhibitionism, during which the person intentionally exposes their genitals to an unsuspecting stranger, in this paraphilia the person creates situations in which other people can see them in the nude, like leaving the curtains open and walking around the house naked in hopes that someone will peep in the windows. It is the thought that someone may be watching that is sexually arousing. (Uh-oh, when I’m staying in a hotel room in New York and the next building is within sight, I think I’m an autagonistophiliac.)

  Autassassinophilia: The person is sexually aroused by situations in which they may be killed. They have to feel they are in true danger in order to be sexually aroused. Unfortunately, some of them get killed in the process.

  Mixophilia: The person likes to watch themselves or their partner engage in sexual activity. Usually this means watching themselves in a mirror (guilty as charged).

  Infantilism: Dressing as an infant and acting the role of a child under two years old is sexually arousing. Including the hiring of a nurse or nanny to take care of you. (I shudder to think of changing that diaper.)

  Symphorilia: Natural disasters are sexually arousing.

  Catheterophilia: The person is sexually aroused by the insertion of a catheter.

  Zoophilia: The person wants to be treated like an animal, wearing a collar and even eating out of an animal’s dish. This is different from bestiality, which involves actual sex with an animal.

  Coprophilia: Smearing human feces on yourself or having one smear it on you, causing sexual arousal. (Sorry, I had to put this in there. I just found this fascinating that there are so many people who do this that they had to name it something.)

  Coprophagia: Eating human feces. And you thought smearing it on yourself was bad? I’m not making this shit up. Hahahaha. Seriously, this crap is real. Hahahahaha, gross.

  [19]

  What Happens in Vegas …

  Do NOT stay in Vegas… if you’re famous. Celebrities used to think it was a safe haven for going to a strip club, taking home a stripper, and then playing Twister with her. Thanks to a hurting economy, even strippers are spilling the beans for big money to reveal their steamy nights with Mr. Famous. With the evolution of cell phones allowing normal folk to capture their dirty deeds, paparazzi no longer need to be omnipresent. All it takes is one click of a cell phone to have enough evidence to rat out a celeb. In doing so, I’m sure the snitchers give that money to charity … not.

  I recently talked to a casino owner in Vegas and asked him why there weren’t more paparazzi in Vegas. He told me, “Because we’d shoot ’em.” He went on to say they try to protect everyone who comes to Vegas. Not just celebs but executives and anyone looking for a good time. He could have saved that whole sentence by just saying, “We protect cheaters the best we can.” Sin City has always had the legacy of fulfilling our naughtiest desires and helping us let go of pressures from everyday life. But lives can be seriously destroyed in this town. People who don’t even know each other get married in dinky chapels and then quickly try to annul the marriage after the drugs wear off.

  Bachelor parties are the most dangerous event
s a dude can go to in Vegas, if he is attempting to be a monogamist. It’s really hard for guys not to partake in some sort of raunchy business when girls are shoving cucumbers up their vaginas and asking dudes to insert a twenty-dollar bill in their sphincter. I’ve heard so many stories over the years and even crashed a bachelor party once to watch what went on. Let me tell ya, it didn’t go too well for the bride. Every guy slept with or got eaten alive by the stripper. It made me ask the question, does this happen at the majority of bachelor parties? I was also intrigued by Nevada’s brothels. If I was a horny dude looking for a Twister partner, a brothel is where I would go, only because of the strict STD screenings they do.

  My curiosity on this particular subject was overwhelming, so I hopped on a Southwest flight and flew my ass to Las Vegas to interview girls at the number-one brothel in Nevada, the Chicken Ranch.

  Walking into the establishment, I was really taken aback by how peaceful and quaint it was. The picture in my mind was taken straight from the movies. I pictured drunken people and naked chicks walking around. It wasn’t like that at all. I opened the door and was politely greeted and told to go to a back bungalow, where I would get a chance to interview two working girls.

  JENNY: Hey, girls.

  ASHLEY: Hi.

  MICHELLE: Hello.

  JENNY: You’re both totally hot. Like HOT hot.

  ASHLEY: (Laughs.)

  MICHELLE: What did you expect?

  JENNY: Honestly, I wasn’t sure. The only image of a brothel I had in my head were ones I had seen in movies, and the girls weren’t that great looking. But you two are gorgeous! I should know better than to think movies depict real life. So do you gals only work here, or do you venture out, like a pizza delivery service?