Love, Lust & Faking It

by Jenny McCarthy

  ASHLEY: No, we only work here. When I was asking around about where to work, my friends all said, “Go work at the Chicken Ranch.” I’ve been here for many, many years now, and it really is the best place.

  JENNY: So let me fill you in on why I’m here. It’s certainly not for the chicken. Wahahaha.

  MICHELLE: (Giggles.)

  JENNY: I’m here because I want a “look inside” as to what the hell happens in Vegas when our men go to bachelor parties or on an extended business trip. Do you think our men come here as naughty little bastards, or does Vegas make them naughty?

  ASHLEY: Hmm, good question. I think that the guy is naughty already, and Vegas allows him to bring it all to the surface.

  MICHELLE: It’s Sin City. The potential to be naughty is at their fingertips. Especially when these guys are stuck in the same routine every day.

  JENNY: Did you mean to say they are stuck in the same vagina every day?

  ASHLEY: (Laughs.)

  MICHELLE: (Laughs.)

  JENNY: Speaking of needing variety, what percentage of married men do you see coming in?

  ASHLEY: I probably see about 90 percent.

  JENNY: Oh my God. That’s a pretty big number. Do they come in bitching about their wives?

  MICHELLE: A lot of times when they come in they just want someone to listen to them, so you tend to be the shrink.

  JENNY: Really? Is that true?

  ASHLEY: Yes. Sometimes they just want someone to feel compassion for them. To listen to their “woe is me” tale.

  JENNY: Then I would charge them for my ear to listen to that shit.

  ASHLEY: Oh, we do.

  JENNY: (Laughs.) What about bachelor parties? Do you see guys coming in here for bachelor parties?

  MICHELLE: We do. Quite a few.

  JENNY: Do they cheat?

  ASHLEY: Uh, yeah. Especially if they are coming here.

  JENNY: Yeah, I guess that was a dumb question. Do you think men in general are just wired to have to have different canooters? Because in the animal kingdom you see the animals mating with their whole tribe!

  ASHLEY: I think it’s both men and women.

  JENNY: Are they both getting action here?

  MICHELLE: Sometimes. Not too long ago, women weren’t even allowed in here; now they come in a lot. Some pick out who their husband should be with and then just drink at the bar and wait for him. And then there are other couples that want a threesome.

  JENNY: The married men that come here to see you girls, do they want to leave their wives or just come in to taste the different flavors?

  ASHLEY: They don’t wanna leave their wives, they just want something different, and hence that’s why we’re here. There’s no strings attached, we don’t call them the next day … it’s f*ck me, pay me, leave. That’s it.

  JENNY: What about little virgins that come in here?

  MICHELLE: We get a few of those. I actually cater to a lot of first-timers …

  JENNY: I would totally be into the virgins.

  ASHLEY: A lot of them are thirty-year-old virgins.

  JENNY: Oh … uh, on second thought… no I wouldn’t. (Laughs.)

  MICHELLE: I still enjoy them because they want to know so many different things. “What turns a woman on? How do I do this?” And they are so eager to learn, whereas a lot of guys are kind of set in their ways. “I’m just gonna do this, and I know it feels good to you.” And we go, “Oh yeah baby, it feels great.” But with a virgin you can say, “You know, women like this. Try to do this with the lady that you find.”

  JENNY: Do you ever get success follow-up stories?

  ASHLEY: Yes! I constantly get e-mails from guys that I’ve partied with who were virgins saying, “Thank you so much,” and they tell me they are in a relationship, and “If I do this my woman likes it…” I think it’s great, you know, it gives you a sense of satisfaction.

  JENNY: Do you have any emotional connections to any men that come in?

  ASHLEY: No.

  JENNY: Never?

  MICHELLE: Not one.

  JENNY: Wow.

  ASHLEY: Never, not even like, “Oh, that guy’s kind of turning me on.” To be honest, it’s all about money. All I see is dollar signs. We’re having sex, and I’m counting how much I made today. I don’t want him to leave his wife. I just want his money. I will please him while he’s here, and he can go back and have a great life.

  JENNY: What do you do when a really gross guy comes in and wants to have sex? Can you say “pass”?

  MICHELLE: Here … yes, we can.

  JENNY: And do you say it in front of him?

  MICHELLE: Well, it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. “You know, sweetie … I don’t think we’re gonna get along very well… . Maybe you should save your money and party with a girl who’s gonna give you a good time.” You know, something along those lines.

  JENNY: What do you think about when you’re having sex? I know I think about what groceries I have to get and things like that. Do you also do the same thing?

  ASHLEY: As I said earlier, I think about the money. Can I get more from him? Can I extend the party? Can I do this? That’s it.

  JENNY: It’s comforting to hear you talk about this as a business transaction.

  ASHLEY: It’s the only thing I’m here for.

  MICHELLE: We’re in a confined closed environment with a bunch of women, and you can’t leave the property for a few weeks… I just want to make my money, leave, and go home.

  JENNY: Have you ever gotten so grossed out after one of the experiences? Cause I’ve slept with some guys that I wanted to vomit after.

  MICHELLE: I wouldn’t say grossed out. A lot of times it’s mentally draining here, depending on if it’s a fetish or a fantasy or some other type of party that you’ve already discussed ahead of time. It’s really hard to go from beating the shit out of somebody in their fetish and then right back into the lineup.

  JENNY: Do you think that all women should let their husbands get a professional at least once in their marriage?

  ASHLEY: I, as a working girl, would say only if they are comfortable, because if you’re insecure in any way, it’s not gonna work. But if you reach that seven-year itch and want to spice it up, this could be a good anniversary present.

  So there you have it! I can officially say I spent the night with two prostitutes. For all you ladies out there that might be on the kinky side and want to treat your man to a night of chicken for your anniversary, I can tell you they have the best legs and breasts in town. Thanks, Chicken Ranch!

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  Astrological Signs: Best Sex Partners According to the Stars

  Who doesn’t love to look up their astrology once in a while? Especially the part about love signs and compatability. (Although I’ve dated many guys who I’m supposedly compatible with and then realized I would rather date an elephant than go out with my “compatible” sign again.) I am amazed, however, that the description of my own sign really does match up with many of my attributes. Hopefully someday I can find the compatible sign in my life; in the meantime, have fun reading yours! (Sources: www.astrology.aryabhatt.com, www.stargazers.com, www.lifepsychic.com, www.starastrologer.com, www.extonbiz.com.)

  CAPRICORN (DECEMBER 22-JANUARY 19)

  In the bedroom: Capricorns are known to be very passionate and are willing to experiment to spice things up. They won’t come up with the kinky ideas themselves, but they are willing to go along for the ride if their partner wants to do something.

  Compatible with Virgo: Capricorns and Virgos have a high probability of a long-term relationship. They intuitively know their likes and dislikes. Capricorns love advice from Virgos, and Virgos are able to teach the Capricorn how to relax and take a load off. Capricorns possess a fierce ambition for success and tend to stay straight on their path to the spotlight. This drive for the spotlight is perfectly complemented by the Virgo’s desire to please others, combined with the organized and meticulous nature of the Virgo. The Capricorn
will have a partner that will assist in helping them achieve even more.

  Compatible with Taurus: Capricorns and Taurus are clear-cut matches for each other. They want the same things in life, success and security. Both are very faithful and moral and are committed to attaining loyal life partners. The Taurus is much more straightforward and to the point, while the Capricorn is slow to reveal vulnerabilities and insecurities. Sometimes that can be misconstrued by the Taurus as “secretive,” but the Capricorn’s honest ways keep the Taurus feeling safe.

  Least compatible with Aries and Libra.

  AQUARIUS (JANUARY 20-FEBRUARY 18)

  In the bedroom: There is never a dull moment in sex with an Aquarius. Experimental in every way possible, bizarre and quick to go on to his or her next exciting conquest, for the Aquarius each time must be a different position, if not a different person. Aquarians will follow the prospect of each new stimulating experience down whatever road that may lead to. They need to break new ground (or hymens), they need to do things “their” way and will not be tied down … unless a ball gag and whip are involved.

  Compatible with Gemini: In order for the eccentric and creative Aquarius to enter a relationship, a strong foundation of friendship must first be established. Gemini adapt easily; they are intelligent but do not want to be the leader. The Gemini is open to the adventurous sexual nature of the Aquarius, and because the Gemini is up for the exciting journey, he or she will be able to sustain the other’s interest. However, two impulsive spirits like these should be careful, because this much spontaneity doesn’t always pan out smoothly.

  Compatible with Libra: When an Aquarius and a Libra come together, the friendship that is so important for the Aquarius to establish shines front and center not only to the two involved in the romantic relationship, but also to those in their social circle. Libras are incredibly indecisive, and love that the Aquarius is willing to step into the decision-making role. The Libra’s indecisiveness could open the doorway to some kinky sexual experimentation, but it is the companionship foundation that binds these two, not the leather ropes.

  Least compatible with Taurus and Scorpio.

  PISCES (FEBRUARY 19-MARCH 20)

  In the bedroom: Pisces are the first to put on a sexy nurse costume and give you a checkup. They are very giving sexual partners, and this could stem from their incessant need for reassurance. The need for constant pats on the back for jobs well done can take over a Pisces to the point where they stop experiencing the pleasure and completely disregard their own wants and desires. This often leads to a bad judgment in partners and leaves the Pisces aching for more sexual recognition. Pisces need a sensual, caring, attentive partner to please them and vocalize the great work they do on you.

  Compatible with Cancer: Cancers are sensitive communicators that enjoy taking care of others. They are protective and would give anything to make sure their loved ones are safe and happy. Cancer and Pisces will help to stroke each other’s egos. Both are water signs, lube may not be required.

  Compatible with Scorpio: The Pisces is willing to give and please the Scorpio before himself/herself (in hopes of receiving praise for a job well done), while Scorpios feed on admiration and loyalty from those around them. Scorpios exude an intense display of emotion, and when that display of emotion is favorable or reassuring toward the Pisces, the Pisces gets his or her fix and will be content. Additionally, the Scorpio’s needs are met by the Pisces’s efforts to satisfy and openness to fantasy. Scorpios are strong individuals in every sense of the word; emotionally and physically they are in control and prefer to be with someone they consider a “weaker” partner so they can maintain that power.

  Least compatible with Gemini and Sagittarius.

  ARIES (MARCH 21—APRIL 19)

  In the bedroom: Aries see themselves as leaders. They are aggressive, experimental, kinky, and can get bored quickly. They believe they know what needs to get done, and they will take control and dominate their partner to reach that climax they’re chasing. They are in it for themselves and their best interests, and can be harsh on the road to getting what they want. Aries are not the best partners for the faint of heart. They have big egos and are full of adventure, a fire that will charm the pants off of you.

  Compatible with Leo: Leos also see themselves as leaders, but they are also focused on a sense of fun and love for life and firmly uphold honor. They are strong enough to avoid complete domination by the Aries. It is important for them to have a family, and they want the best for those around them.

  When Leos find love, the traditional romantic in them takes center stage (a place they like to be). If the two can work to find a compromise for control, they will avoid butting heads. The Leo’s love for life and importance of loyalty feeds the Aries need for admiration and brings out the best in the Aries partner.

  Compatible with Sagittarius: Aries and Sagittarius are both brutally honest, with a no-holds-barred approach to life. Sagittarians are wanderers on a quest for knowledge. While they can move around quickly, they move quickly with a purpose, which is focused on gaining answers to life’s questions. They are the intellectuals of the astrological signs, and their thirst for knowledge could drive them into long-lasting conversations and relationships with an aggressive leader type that could provide the knowledge they so crave. Sexually, the Aries are more powerful, but if the Sagittarius can find useful information from these exciting sexual experiences, then all is good. But if the information is not found useful, the Sagittarius is quick to move on.

  Least compatible with Cancer and Capricorn.

  TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20)

  In the bedroom: Taureans are passionate, faithful lovers. They are affectionate and attentive to their partner, not selfish. While they can go for hours and hours, they are not into anal beads, vibrators, or playing dress-up. To get a Taurus in the mood, you have to rub him or her the right way with sensual massages and loving touches, and a good old-fashioned hot and heavy make-out session will seal the deal. Taureans prefer long-term monogamous relationships.

  Compatible with Capricorn (also seen in the Capricorn section): Capricorns and Taureans are clear-cut matches for each other. They want the same things in life, success and security. Both are very faithful and moral and are committed to attaining loyal life partners. The Capricorn is slow to reveal vulnerabilities and insecurities. Sometimes that can be misconstrued by the more straightforward Taurus as “secretive,” but the Capricorn’s honest ways keep the Taurus feeling safe.

  Compatible with Virgo: Virgo and Taurus is a conservative pairing. Virgos are more realistic when it comes to love, and once they have established trust within their partner, they will either be devoted for life as a romantic lover or, should the relationship end, continue their devotion in the form of friendship. Virgos need a little push to get heated in the bedroom, and the Taurean’s sensual massages and intensely romantic physical contact give just enough push to get it going and then some.

  Least compatible with Leo and Aquarius.

  GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 20)

  In the bedroom: Gemini says the more the merrier. They are open to swinging with multiple sexual partners. They are experimental, open to the new and the unknown territory that lies ahead. They are also intellectually driven, so their partner must be able to communicate and discuss anything and everything articulately, including their relationship and the adventures they take.

  Compatible with Libra: Libra and Gemini stimulate each other. Jealousy is not an issue. Experimentation is welcomed, and communication lines are always open. Libras are very balanced and diplomatic, and Geminis are very easygoing in nature, so there will be lots of laughter, good conversation, and lightheartedness within this relationship. The main issue to look out for between these two is the openness to multiple partners; this can often lead to the ending of a relationship.

  Compatible with Aquarius (also seen in the Aquarius section): In order for the eccentric and creative Aquarius to enter a relationship, a strong foundatio
n of friendship must first be established. Gemini adapt easily; they are intelligent, but do not want to be the leader. The Gemini is open to the adventurous sexual nature of the Aquarius, and because the Gemini is up for the exciting journey, he or she will be able to sustain the Aquarian’s interest. However, two impulsive spirits like these should be careful, because this much spontaneity doesn’t always pan out smoothly.

  Least compatible with Virgo and Pisces.

  CANCER (JUNE 21-JULY 22)

  In the bedroom: While Cancers are creative in the bedroom, they are first and foremost givers. They will not jump into any fantasy or begin pleasing their partner without a little guidance, but ask and you shall receive, and then some. The most important thing in the bedroom for a Cancer is that their partner is completely satisfied. Without fully satisfying their lover’s needs, they will not climax themselves. Cancers are completely loyal, and honoring the relationship as an exclusive, monogamous one is vital for a future with a Cancer. Cancers can be very jealous and cling to their partner, so any hint at infidelity will not play out well.

  Compatible with Scorpio: Scorpio is the master of his or her own destiny, strong and very sexual; they are a great partner to direct Cancer to satisfy their wants and needs in the bedroom. They are emotional, but because of the importance that Cancer puts on the relationship, the jealousy within Scorpio can lie dormant and avoid any eruptions. Additionally, once the Scorpio finds a loyal life partner, he or she will stay with that partner for a very long time. There is a lot of intensity between these two, whether emotional, physical, or spiritual.

  Compatible with Pisces: Pisces are fueled by their emotions, and a sensitive, nurturing, caring, lover like a Cancer is a good match. They are protective and would give anything to make sure their loved ones are safe and happy. Jealousy and protective ways do not deter the Pisces, who so needs to be needed. Cancer and Pisces will help to stroke each other’s egos. As both are water signs, lube may not be required.