Strange New Feet

by Shannon Esposito

  “In God’s peace and love. You will be missed. Friendly Manor Church”

  Briefly, bitterly, she recalls Sue and Olivia’s last day in that church. She thinks the card should have read: In judgment and fear. This surge of anger, of injustice gives her the courage she needs to turn from the flowers and begin the long walk to the casket.

  “Oh, Sue,” she whispers, her hands involuntarily moving to her mouth. She stands there for a minute, letting the tears gather and fall, searching for something in the puffy, powdered, and overly-rouged face that was her friend. The vessel is empty, yellow bruises show faintly through the thickly applied make-up. Sue’s hands are clasped together, her fingernails newly polished berry red. Safia reaches out and rests her own hand on Sue’s. There is no softness there, no warmth. She might as well be touching a cold slate rock, but it is the only thing she can think to do. “Olivia misses you terribly,” she says aloud, a sob escaping with the words. Her words echo eerily in the silence. “She won’t speak. She loves you so much.” Safia’s head drops. She can do nothing but release the pain in the form of tears, her shoulders shuddering under the assault of fresh weeping. “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry.” She whispers this over and over, a skip in her broken heart, until they are no longer words to her ears, but just sound. “I promise you…” there are so many things she wants to promise. She wants to promise her that Olivia will be okay, that she’ll be left alone to grow up and have a normal, happy life, but she doesn’t want to make any more promises she can’t keep. “I promise you that I will do everything in my power to keep Olivia safe.” This is the best she can do. She glances once more at the face that used to be Sue and turns away.

  *******

  Her own apartment seems foreign. It’s stuffy and silent, there are things out of place, drawers open that she didn’t leave that way. Must have been Anders. One of the grocery bags rip before she can lift it to the counter and its contents drop onto the kitchen floor. She stares at them without the energy for retrieval.

  “Here, hon, I’ll get that,” Rita moves in behind her and picks up the bag of tomatoes and a box of pasta. “Why don’t you go have a hot shower? I’ll get dinner started and we can sit down and relax. Sound good?”

  “Yes,” she nods. A hot shower did sound good. She could release all the tarry mess within her, clean it out. She could cry and the tears would be washed down the drain, unseen.“Kat and Reuben should be here soon. There should be some meatballs in the freezer. Reuben likes meatballs.”

  “All right, go,” Rita shoos her out of the kitchen.

  *******

  Safia emerges, freshly scrubbed, wearing a pair of faded cotton sweats and a camouflage t-shirt, her wet hair pulled up in a knot, her eyes swollen and pink.

  “Hey, sis,” Kat is in the kitchen cutting cucumbers into tiny pie shaped pieces and tossing them into a salad. She stops and gives Safia an awkward hug. Reuben is leaning against the counter. He reaches behind him and hands her a shot glass.

  “Tough day, huh?” he offers. The ever-present arrogance in his voice is missing. She takes the glass and downs the gold liquid. A shock. A burning. A warmth. A cough. She nods gratefully.

  “So, how are mom and dad?”

  “Great…fine,” she says. Kat is going for normalcy. Only, casual questions aren’t normal. Biting sarcasm, digs, pouting, these things are normal. Niceties are only underscoring the grief by tippy-toeing around it. It’s the way relatives talk to someone they are visiting in the loony bin for the first time.

  “So, what’s the deal with Olivia?” Kat says, tossing more cucumbers into the bowl. “Do you have custody of her now or something?”

  This makes Safia stare at her sister without answering until Kat stops and turns around to inspect the silence.

  “Sis?”

  “I don’t know,” Safia says finally. “I haven’t really thought that far ahead.”

  “Well, she doesn’t have any relatives that could keep her, right?” Rita asks.

  “No.”

  “I wonder if Sue had a will or anything?” Reuben throws in.

  “Child services will want to take her if Sue hasn’t specified a legal guardian.” Rita says.

  “You and Anders could hook up and raise her,” Kat chuckles to herself.

  “Kat!” Rita hisses.

  “What?”

  “It’s okay,” Safia says, because it is.

  “What’s up with Anders anyway?” Reuben asks, handing her a second shot. “He’s staying there, right? With Olivia? Dr. Mills says he’s acting on his own.”

  “Yeah. He’s her self-appointed savior,” She holds the second shot in her mouth, savoring the warmth before swallowing. “Do you think he’s ever killed anyone before?”

  The three of them glance at her in surprise.

  “His philosophy is violent people only respond to violence, so I wouldn’t bet the farm on the fact he hasn’t,” Reuben offers after an awkward amount of silence.

  “There’s been rumors,” Kat offers.

  “Like what?”

  “Well, he would have been in his early twenties back when rebels were killing and eating the gorillas in the Congo, but rumor is the rangers sent him in and he single handedly slaughtered 50 of them, stuffing their bodies in the latrines. That’s why they say the rebels agreed to stop killing the gorillas.”

  “Jesus,” Rita says, glancing at Safia for her reaction. Safia just stares into Rita’s worried face and blinks. She is sorting through what she knows of him and deciding it’s not much.

  There is a knock at the door. They glance around at each other, startled.

  “Maybe it’s the neighbor,” Safia shrugs. She pushes herself away from the counter and feels the slight lightness, the small tilt in her steps courtesy of the shots. She opens the door and stares at the grim faces looking back at her.

  “Hi, Miss Raine.”

  “Hi,” her voice cracks. She can feel the thickness around the two men. This is not a friendly visit. “Come in.” She turns to find everyone crowded around the kitchen door.

  “Hey, Caden,” Rita says, her tone full of questions.

  “What’s going on?” Kat asks, looking from one man to the other for answers.

  Safia offers them a seat at the table, which they take awkwardly. “Kat and Reuben, this is Caden West, the hospital’s attorney, and…”she turns abruptly, her hand stuck in mid-air. “I’m sorry. I’ve forgotten your name.”

  “Bill Greene,” he offers solemnly.

  “Ah, yes. Dr. Greene from the CDC.”

  “What’s going on?” Rita fully emerges from the kitchen and takes a seat across from them. Safia follows her lead and slides into a chair. Kat and Reuben stay where they are, watching with folded arms and narrowed eyes.

  “So, I don’t suppose this is a social visit?”

  “No,” Caden glances at Dr. Greene. Safia sees a flicker of irritation, of defeat in that glance. “Show them.”

  Dr. Greene pulls a piece of thin paper from inside his brown sports jacket, unfolds it, places it on the table, smoothes it out and then slides it tentatively toward Safia. “I’m sorry,” he whispers.

  Safia slides it closer to her, even as she wants to push it away, to burn it, to ignore it, to crumble it up and serve the pasta and laugh and pretend like this moment is not about to happen.

  At the top of the paper in heavy black type is: Request for Voluntary Quarantine

  Beneath this is what she reads over and over, through confusion, then through panic, then anger, then tears.

  If this request for voluntary quarantine is not acted upon, we are authorized by a court order to use law enforcement personnel to place the subject, Olivia Barnes, in a quarantine facility.

  “They want to lock Olivia up?” she glances back and forth at the men. “Can they do that?”

  “I’m afraid they can,” Dr. Greene says. “The Health and Human Services Secretary has succeeded in getting the President to specify a human chimera as
a health threat in an Executive Order. They are afraid of silent viruses. Which gives them legal authority to…quarantine the individual.”

  “For how long?”

  “Until they are sure there is no public health threat.”

  “How will they be sure of that?” Rita asks.

  “Testing.”

  “Testing?” Safia cries. “You mean experimenting, don’t you? They won’t have any idea what they’re looking for.” She is glaring at Caden. “Can’t you do anything to stop this?”

  “I’m sorry, Miss Raine. If you don’t comply with the voluntary order, they will just come back with an involuntary order. Once she’s quarantined, I’ll be glad to help you petition the superior court for her release. Until then, there’s nothing I can do.”

  Safia crosses her arms. “Well. I don’t know where she is.”

  Dr. Greene nods and makes a sound like air escaping from a tire. “Hiding her is not going to help either of you.” Caden says, rising. “Please, Miss Raine, bring her back to Pineville Medical. They’ve got a quarantine room there and she’ll at least be in a place she knows, with people around her that care about her. Then we can fight this the right way, through the courts. Okay?”

  “The courts? That could take years.”

  “I will do my best to make sure that doesn’t happen.”

  Safia stares at Caden West. He seems sincere. “How long do I have?”

  “Twenty-four hours.” Caden hands her a card and stands up. “Call me as soon as you get her to Pineville.” He makes it a point to hold eye contact. “Hey, I promise you, I will do whatever it takes to get her out, okay?”

  Safia nods. She believes him.

  *******

  “I thought you were going to stay for the funeral?” Her mother looks worried. Olivia has leapt off the couch and has locked long arms around Safia’s waist.

  “Hey, sweetie,” She bends down and gathers Olivia in her arms, whispering to her mother. “I’ll explain later. Where’s Anders?”

  “Probably outside checking the bushes for spies.”

  “What are you doing back?”

  Safia turns to find Anders in the doorway; a hint of a smile directed at her mother tells them the comment didn’t go unnoticed.

  “We have to talk.”

  The smile disappears.

  It takes a good hour before Olivia lets Safia out of her sight again. Once she is convinced Safia is just going for a walk and will be right back, her and Anders step out the door.

  “They can’t do that.”

  “Anders,” Safia rubs her eyes, suddenly feeling the weight of the situation, of the fight she knows is coming. “They can and they have.”

  “No, they can’t. I won’t let them. We’ll leave in the morning.”

  “And go where?” The question hangs aloof in the thick air. She looks out at the flat sky, at the distant towers of dark clouds.

  “I know a place, people that will help us.”

  “No one is going to help us hide her. You realize that, don’t you? Not when a national bulletin is issued warning people of the health threat she poses. No one will put themselves or their children at risk when they are convinced she is a walking biological threat. It may even get more dangerous for her.” She sighs. “Maybe it will even be safer for her to be in the hospital.”

  “Safer for her to be in the hands of butchers who just want to cut her up and experiment on her?”

  She shoots him a sideways glance. “Exaggerating a bit, aren’t we?”

  “Christ, Safia…wake up. It’s not like there is some simple test they can do to make sure she’s not a health threat. There are infinite possibilities, infinite tests. She will spend the rest of her life as a lab rat.”

  “The hospital’s attorney, Caden West, has assured me he won’t let that happen. And besides,” she cuts him off as he is about to argue, “I know these people at the hospital. They are good people and they won’t do anything to hurt her. I trust them.”

  “You do know that quarantine means even you won’t be allowed to physically interact with her?”

  “Yes,” she whispers. “For a short time.”

  “You know how attached she is to you? And how traumatized she is already?”

  “Yes, Anders, but…” she stops walking and leans over, resting her palms on her knees, feeling suddenly sick to her stomach. “There are no options here.”

  He stops and turns to face her. She lifts her head to meet his gaze. His skin is sticky and patchy, his mouth is set tight.

  “Maybe you’re right. Maybe this is what needs to happen right now. She needs to still be in the news, in public if her rights are ever going to be sorted out. But, if you take her back there, you’re on your own. I will not,” his voice catches and drops. “I cannot stand by and watch what it will do to her.”

  Safia stands up straight; his tone catching her off guard. She hadn’t realized how much he really cared about Olivia. This was not just an assignment to him. The urge to slip into his arms, to merge their pain was pressing. She forces it back, contains it like a tidal wave behind a wall of pebbles and instead nods.

  “You do what you have to do. I’m doing what I feel is best for Olivia.” At that, with great personal effort, she tears herself away and leaves him standing in the road for the last time.

  Chapter 26

  Quarantine: DAY 1

  Safia is aware of her shallow breathing, of the formidable concrete walls, of the smell of mold and formaldehyde, of the soft damp hand clutching her own. She is leading Olivia down the hall to the quarantine room. Dr. Ackers and Wes are with her, along with a slew of security guards and nurses.

  She is trying to push aside the feeling of leading Olivia to a prison, trying to push her feet to keep going, trying to stop herself from scooping Olivia up and running the other way. Doubt is creeping in. Maybe she made the wrong decision? No, she thought long and hard about this. This is the right thing to do. This is the legal thing to do. This is her mantra.

  They arrive at the room and it is time to tell Olivia the whole truth. She looks first to Dr. Ackers and Wes for strength. Their own concerns darken their faces and so she finds none. Slowly, she lets her eyes fall to Olivia…and almost breaks. Olivia is focused solely on her. She is searching for the security and comfort that Safia knows she can no longer provide. Her knees buckle and she hides it by kneeling to her level. She gathers Olivia in her arms, rests her nose in the curve of Olivia’s neck and wills herself to be strong. Just a few more moments. Be strong.

  “Olivia,” she clears her throat. “Remember, I told you that you would have to stay in the hospital for a little while so they can make sure you’re healthy?”

  She nods slowly, squinting her multi-colored eyes as if what’s coming will be too bright to look at.

  “Good. Well, this is your new room,” she points to her right without taking her eyes off of Olivia. “It’s a special room that only you and the doctors can go in. That means that I,” she clears the lump from her throat once more, “I won’t be able to visit you in there, but I’ll be able to talk to you on the phone and see you through the window.”

  She saw the understanding and then the fear begin to dawn.

  “It’s only for a short time, sweet…” her last word is choked off by Olivia’s arms flung tightly around her neck. The lethargy of grief has been cast off. Safia can feel Olivia’s heart beating against her own. Pure terror is enveloping the child.

  Panic fogs her mind. She feels Olivia begin to shake her head vigorously.

  “Just a short time,” she whispers into her neck. She will just hold her for a moment and let her calm down. “I promise.”

  “Olivia,” Rita has arrived and her voice is behind her now, calm and strong. Safia feels relief quiet some of the panic rising up her own chest. “Olivia, honey, it’s going to be fine. You have your own room, like a grown up hotel. Just for you.”

  Safia manages to turn her head and make eye contact with Rita. Rita gives
her a reassuring nod and then helps her untangle Olivia’s arms from her neck. “Come on, hon, the sooner you let the doctors help you, the sooner you can go back home, okay?”

  In the swirling fog and panic of anxiety, Safia finds herself wondering where Olivia considers home. She doesn’t have long to think, though, because as soon as one of the nurses opens the door, Olivia lets out a blood curdling scream, rips her arm away from Rita and squeezes Safia so tight, she can’t take in a breath.

  Shhhhh…it’s okay she is saying in her mind. No air, no words. She feels helpless and Olivia’s primal screams of terror are tearing through her mind and heart. She feels Rita tugging on Olivia, hears her soothing tone being swallowed in the screams, feels her own blood pumping hard in her temples, and knows the situation had gotten way out of control. Just then, someone else screams, and Olivia’s body shakes.

  “Sedative now!” someone barks.

  Olivia’s body begins to relax and Safia wiggles her head around to see two nurses trying to pry Olivia’s mouth off of a third nurse’s arm.

  “Oh no,” she gasps. Olivia has bit her and bit her hard. They finally get her jaws unclenched as the sedative begins to take affect. There is a large welt and blood. Safia gathers her back up into her arms and begins to cry. It is too much. It is too awful. She runs her hand lightly against Olivia’s cheek. Olivia whimpers, convulses and stares up into her eyes, her mouth now slack.

  “I’m so sorry, Olivia…so sorry, baby.” She begins to rock her and sing to her and then finally Olivia’s eyes close.

  They bring over a stretcher, wrestle her from Safia’s arms, and carry her into the room that will be her new home for god knows how long.

  Safia can’t think of a reason or find the energy to get up off the floor. The empty space where Olivia was minutes ago is overwhelming, it is heavier than mass. Eventually, she feels Rita’s arms encircle her waist and feels Dr. Ackers’ dry hands slip into her own. She feels herself being lifted and walked back down the hall and then she feels nothing else but this profound emptiness. Something has ended. Something has gone terribly wrong. She has made a mistake. She should have fought.