Not Enough

by Mia Hoddell

  “She kept saying she hates her life. I know she’s not in the best job and that people exaggerate when they’ve had a bad day, but the way she said it, it felt like there was more to it. I don’t know her that well, so I might be reading more into this than I should, but she sounded like she meant it.”

  “Is that all she said?”

  “Well, she’s whined about her job a little over the last few days, but today she headed to your room in a hurry. She also looked wet, like she’d fallen over.” He pauses to glance out the window for a second, and then returns his gaze to mine. “I left it a while, thinking she was going to come back out and watch TV like usual, but she didn’t. After an hour I thought she may have fallen asleep, so I went to check just in case … you know, because she was giving off this weird vibe. Anyway, she was curled up with her back to the door. I could tell she wasn’t sleeping because her body was shaking with these little tremors. When she finally told me to leave, she sounded like she was crying.”

  I hold my breath and drag my fingers through my hair, pulling lightly at the roots before exhaling and linking them behind my neck. Tilting my head back I focus on the ceiling. Robbie didn’t need to tell me that everything is worse than before. I’ve been trying to figure out why she’s taken a dive and the only reason I’ve come up with is the job, which I told her not to take. I considered her lack of friends and family, but she’s told me it is fine.

  “I’ll go talk to her.”

  “Do you want me to head out for a bit?”

  I shake my head. “That’s not fair on you. But if you hear shouting, you may want to hide out in here.”

  “There’s going to be shouting?” He looks somewhat worried by the thought.

  “I hope not, but there’s only been one other time I’ve seen her this bad if your description is anything to go by and that ended with us not talking for a week.” My mind flashes briefly to us arguing.

  ~~

  “Neve, come on. Talk to me please.” Lying face down on her bed, her whole body trembles with her sobs. Her arms are hidden beneath the pillow, her face buried in the eggshell blue material. Placing a hand on her shoulder, I try again. “Stripes … please.”

  In a flash she’s sitting up, a steely glare penetrating my body. “I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to go to university and end up working for someone else.”

  “It’ll be okay,” I soothe, trying to gather her into my arms but she resists.

  “No it won’t! She’s going to get her own way because I have nothing to fight her with. If I don’t go then I have no home.”

  “Maybe you’ll enjoy it?”

  “It’s three years, Blake. Three friggin’ years of my life that could be put to better use setting up my business. She only wants me to go so she can brag about it to her family and because she thinks I need to be around people.” Turning from me, Neve starts beating her pillow. Punch after punch rains down, her breathing becoming laboured from exertion.

  “I know this isn’t what you want, but you’ll have time after and you can work in uni.”

  “Why are you defending her? Do you want me to leave?” Fury covers her face in a twisted mask. “Is that it? You don’t want me anymore.”

  “Stripes, you’re being silly. Calm down and think things through.”

  “Calm down? She’s forcing me down a path that’s going to make me miserable.”

  “Yes, you need to calm down. You’re acting exactly like her.” I want to retract the words the second they leave my mouth. Hurt flickers before her eyes and the anger clears. What replaces it is worse. Neve shuts down, her eyes becoming cold and her mouth tightening into a thin line. She needs a shock though, I tell myself.

  “Get out, Blake.”

  “It’s true. You’re acting just like she does when she doesn’t get her way.”

  “GET OUT!” she screams, hitting me repeatedly with the pillow. “I said leave!”

  I go without another word, knowing all of the things I want to say will only make the situation worse. In my eyes she’s overreacting.

  ~~

  I hang my head at the memory. If only I knew then the effect following her mum’s wishes would have on Neve. At the time Neve was angry at her mum and I was the only one there to listen. I could have handled it better, but back then it seemed justified. We were younger, Neve was in pain, and I was angry at the prospect of losing my best friend.

  I leave Robbie’s room and head straight to ours. Knocking on the door, I open it carefully, poking my head through the small gap first. “Stripes?”

  There’s no response as I approach the bed. She’s still curled up on her side like Robbie described. “Neve?”

  All I hear is a small sniff that lets me know she’s awake. My heart skips a beat at the sound then constricts. I wish I could fix everything for her and take away her pain. I’d do anything for her and it kills me that the one thing she needs most is something I can’t give her.

  Slowly, so as not to startle her, I stretch out on the bed. My arm reaches above her head and wordlessly she turns, lifting up so I can lay it underneath her. I scarcely catch a glimpse of her face before she buries it in my chest. Her free arm drapes across my body, pulling herself against me tightly, and squeezes.

  I don’t say anything for a while. I just hold her, my hand stroking her hair until she begins to relax into me and her breathing calms. When ten minutes have passed and she still hasn’t spoken, I do. “Neve, talk to me … what happened?”

  The only reaction I get is for her to draw herself closer and shake her head back and forth. Even though I’m worried about her, a small part of me can’t stop thinking about the feeling of her body curled against me. Of course, we’ve cuddled up together before, but the thoughts going through my mind have become harder to ignore since she started sleeping in my bed. I try to appear like she doesn’t affect me, and that I’m fine with the situation, but watching her walk around in her barely-there pyjamas or her towel is driving me crazy. Deep down I know I have a strong connection to Neve, but I’ve always put it down to a life-long friendship. However, having her lying in my arms, being the one to comfort her … it feels right.

  “I’m sorry. I’m being silly. It’s been one of those days where everything goes wrong.”

  I’m not buying it. She’s lifted her head enough so I can see her tear-stained face, but she won’t meet my eyes. Raising the hand that I shifted to her hips when she moved, I catch a falling tear with the pad of my thumb. I can’t help but allow my fingers to linger over her jaw as I pull back, marvelling at how soft her skin is beneath my calloused hands.

  This is Neve you’re touching. You’ve known her all of your life. Get a fucking grip, I curse mentally. I should be worried about her, not what she feels like.

  “You can talk to me, Neve. Anything you say I’ll listen to. You know me, I won’t judge you.”

  She hangs her head and a tear drops on to my shirt. Helplessness seizes me.

  “C’mon, Stripes, don’t cry, you’ll get me going too,” I say, trying to lift her head. I had hoped she would laugh at the thought of me crying, but I get no acknowledgement that she even heard the comment.

  The silence drags on.

  I don’t want to pressure her into talking; I’m praying she’ll come round on her own once she’s calmed down.

  “I can’t do this anymore,” she finally whispers.

  “What can’t you do?”

  “Nothing. Let’s go out.” Suddenly she’s up, brushing away her tears and running her fingers through her hair to tidy it. She doesn’t go as far as forcing a smile on to her face thankfully, but her one-eighty in emotions leaves me struggling to comprehend what’s going on. Her tone is determined, like there is no arguing with her and she’s already pulling away from the bed. Rummaging in my wardrobe, she searches for a jumper among her clothes.

  When she peers across at me, her head peeking through the neck hole, her brow furrows.

  “Come on, why are you stil
l sat down?” She speaks rapidly, her words firing at me hysterically. I can’t figure out the reason for the dramatic change or what happened in the first place. When she hurries past me, I catch her, holding her arms and clasping them to her side to still the frantic movements.

  “Neve, what’s going on?”

  “We’re going out. I want to go to the woods.” She breaks my grip and a hoodie flies at my face. I catch it so only the sleeve manages to reach me and flick me in the eye before pulling it down on to my lap. Tilting my head, I scrutinise her jittery movements.

  “Are you high?” I ask tentatively, not really believing she is.

  Neve spins to face me. “Of course not! You know I don’t do that kind of shit.”

  “All right. I just thought …” I trail off at her furious expression. “Why are we going to the woods again?”

  Instead of answering me, she throws open the door, shouting over her shoulder to follow her. I know I shouldn’t … I should sit her down and make her talk about whatever is going on inside of her head. However, I have a feeling she’s going to leave with or without me. She has that stubborn resolve about her that I know from experience means she’s going to follow through no matter what.

  The last thing I want is to walk around in the snow. This late in the year the light fades swiftly, and as soon as the sun disappears the temperature plunges, but I have no choice. It’s either I go with her or she goes alone. And with the mood she’s in I’d rather suffer the cold than be stuck at home agonising over whatever she has planned. Knowing Neve she would try something stupid or not come back. At least I can prevent some of the stupidity if I’m there. Well, I hope I can as I pull on the hoodie she threw at me and grab my coat, hat, and gloves on the way out.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  Neve

  I know … I chickened out.

  The plan was to tell Blake everything, and I started to, but the apprehension in his voice stopped me. I couldn’t admit all of it to him just yet, not after all he’s done for me. I don’t want him to worry, although I’m not stupid enough to think I’ve fooled him. He’s known me too long to buy a word I’ve said. My flip in personality did nothing to help either. He’s been staring at me every second he gets as we drive to the woods. The quick glances he sends my way confirms he knows I’m keeping something from him, but that’s tough in my eyes.

  I can’t burden him.

  It’s wrong, but I used his feelings towards me to get him to go along with this stupid idea. I don’t really want to be here. It’s just the first place I could think of. I want somewhere I can be free, with no one around apart from Blake and this seems perfect.

  Pulling into the car park there are a few other cars, but it doesn’t bother me. We won’t see anyone as we walk to the top of the hill. Most of them are probably here for sledging in the field next door anyway.

  We both step out of the car, pulling on our gloves and tightening our coats when the arctic weather hits us. It’s ten times worse after being in the heated car. Starting up the path that will take us to the top of the hill, I make sure my scarf covers my neck fully. The woods used to be a hill fort that was home to a tribe in the Celtic period and the ramparts still remain today, only now covered in pine trees. They create two levels that you can walk around. I would usually take the lower one because there is less climbing involved. However, today I want to reach the top. I want to sit on the single bench they have up there and look over the tiny village I live in. The wind will probably be whipping across the top, but I don’t care. The vast open space that is enclosed by ancient trees is one of the only places I can feel free.

  Up there nothing seems important. The town looks miniscule … insignificant. And with it so do my problems. There will be no one up there in this type of weather to see me break if I decide to let Blake in on everything—it’s obvious he wants to know.

  There’s silence as we walk up the first rampart. Trees on either side of us cast dark shadows in the already dimly lit, sheltered area and form a tunnel. They stretch up and block out the grey clouds that are heavy with unshed snow, whereas the roots weave their way through the mud and create irritating obstacles beneath our feet. While I take in my surroundings, Blake still casts wary glances at me. Every time I turn to look at something in his direction, he’s studying me curiously. There’s also something else in his gaze, a heaviness that I hate to have put there. It’s like he’s going through everything with me, which I suppose he is, but I don’t know what he thinks I’m going to do.

  “God, it’s cold.”

  “Well this wasn’t my stupid idea,” he teases. Not that I think he means it. Blake would follow me to Mars and back if I asked him to.

  “I needed to get out, okay? This was the only place I could think of that wouldn’t have people.”

  “That’s because it’s freezing and it’s only going to get colder as we approach the top. What are you running from?” That’s typical Blake. I don’t need to say what I mean for him decipher my words. He’s able to read between the lines easily.

  I’m trying my best to come up with a response while we continue to walk up the hill that’s getting steeper. Placing my foot in front of me, I don’t have time to react as it slips for the second time today. My face nears the ground when a strong grip lands on my arm and another finds my waist.

  Blake steadies me, keeping his hands on my body while I try to regain my footing. But, taking another step forward, I slip again.

  Catching Blake unaware, this time we both fall to the ground. I land across his chest, Blake on his back.

  It takes me a second catch my breath, my face hovering over his and our bodies pressed flush against each other. I can feel every inch of him. His lips have parted and his warm breath washes over my skin, making me want to reach out and run my finger over them. I dip my head closer to his, wondering what he tastes like before realising what I’m doing.

  Snapping my eyes to meet his gaze, heat soars to my cheeks at my thoughts and I widen the gap between us. If he notices any of my strange behaviour he doesn’t mention it.

  Embarrassed, I pull myself up as quickly as possible. After getting my bearings, I offer a hand to help Blake up, but he looks at me sceptically. Maybe helping him up isn’t the best plan considering my balance has deserted me.

  “Are you sure this is a good idea?” He brushes down his clothes, sweeping off the few clumps of snow that have stuck to his trousers and coat.

  “Please? We’re nearly there now. I need this.”

  Grudgingly, he nods and doesn’t say anything else, causing me to silently thank the fact I somehow avoided his questions. He will no doubt bring the subject up again, but I’m hoping he’ll either forget or I can stall for a bit longer. A girl can dream, right?

  Being out in the open, the crisp wind chills my nose and clears my head, which I pray remains empty. I don’t want everything to resurface. All I want is for it to bury itself back wherever it was hiding before and allow me to forget.

  Just like I said, we reach the top soon. The trees stop, leaving only a clearing that is exposed to the full force of the elements. Deep grey clouds coat the sky, posing an ominous threat of more bad weather to come. And when I climb the small bank it reveals no other colour. It’s like I’m living in a black and white movie, even the trees look colourless in their shadows.

  The usually long grass is weighed down and buried beneath the white blankets so everything appears flat. Having not been undercover, the snow is deeper and there isn’t one set of footprints marking the landscape. I want to be the first. I don’t know what it is about untouched snow, but it always gives me the desire to jump in it and leave my print on the world, even if it’s only temporary.

  I take hesitant a step from the break in the trees, carefully placing my feet. I know there are brambles beneath me; the few deep red tips peeking out from under the fluffy whiteness acts as a warning. The last thing I want is to fall on my ass for a third time, especially when thorns are the only t
hings that will cushion my landing.

  “Next time you have a crazy idea, please leave me out of it. I like my face free of scars, thanks,” Blake mumbles, navigating the hidden obstacle course to makes his way down the bank that used to be one of the fort’s defences, and then back up the hill on the opposite side to join me at the top.

  “Oh don’t be such a girl. Anyway, a few scars might make you more attractive. You know, go for the bad boy look.” I feel a real smile tug at my lips, the fresh air and being around Blake clearing the final remnants of dark thoughts from my mind. It’s easy to fall into a natural rapport with Blake. I can be myself and tease him senselessly.

  “Oh yeah? That’s what you go for, is it?”

  “Shut up, you know that’s not me.” I go to try and push him over, but stop at the last second, realising I shouldn’t start a war with Blake that I’m bound to lose. My touch ends up as a caress rather than an attack. Fingers sliding down his arm, my gaze remains fixed on his and my lips part. I inhale sharply at the electrical charge humming through my body while I peer into his warm, brown eyes. They have me rooted to the spot and unable to look away. Only when his gaze drops to follow the movements of my hand still running up and down his arm am I freed from the spell holding me in place.

  I whip my hand back like he’s stung me, needing to break all contact before he can read something into the situation.

  “Wise decision,” he says, and I hope he’s referring to me withdrawing my attack and not the moment we just had. When his expression shifts to one of challenge, I know his words relate to my attack. He’s silently daring me to throw a snowball at him with his gaze.

  No matter how much I want to, thinking it’ll get out a lot of frustration, the last thing I need is to have to sit on a cold hill chilled to the bone because I’m wet. Instead of rising to his words, I huff in disapproval. My breath mists before me and I plod towards the small shelter that’s really only a bench with a roof.