Not Enough

by Mia Hoddell

  “Really? You’re just going to walk away. Aren’t you even slightly tempted?”

  I ignore him, focusing on where I’m placing my feet. What I don’t expect is to be hit on my back and the rush of ice that’s suddenly dripping down my coat. My hands fly to my neck automatically and I scream. Trying to shake off the fragments of the snowball that haven’t sneaked down my coat yet, I turn to glare at him. He’s not even looking at me, pretending to study something off in the distance like the situation has nothing to do with him.

  “I can’t believe you,” I grumble.

  When I’m satisfied I’ve removed all of the snow on the outside, I work on wriggling in an attempt to dry the droplets of water trailing down my spine. I can’t use my hands as they’re already covered in snow and would only add to the problem.

  “C’mon, Stripes. Let go. Have a bit of fun for once,” he taunts, bending over to make another icy weapon.

  “Losing is not fun.”

  “Who says you’ll lose?” He rises with the perfectly smooth, white sphere in the palm of his hand.

  “We all know you’d win, Blake. I pick my battles wisely. Anyway, I don’t feel like getting wet and cold again today. I’ve seen enough of the snow up close to last me all winter.”

  Despite my argument he still refuses to drop the snowball. In the end I turn my back on him and head for the bench again. It probably isn’t smart, he’ll throw it at me as soon as I start to walk, so I pull up my hood to shield my neck. To my surprise, though, nothing hits me.

  I reach the bench and dust off the fine layer of snow that has managed to blow under the roof. Swinging my legs under the bench I make sure I’m facing the direction that overlooks the town, rather than the path we have just come from. There’s a slight fog lingering, or snow is falling over the houses, to blur the lines of the buildings and give everything a white filter. It’s hard to tell what everything is when all of the buildings are washed in the same colour. All of the roads, houses, and shops look the same from up here.

  “So what’s really up with you? Why have you made me scale a mountain when it’s like two degrees out here?”

  “This is a hill, Blake. I’d like to see you try and climb a real mountain.”

  “Stop avoiding the question, Neve.”

  Damn, well there goes that plan. I had hoped I could distract him with humour, but it turns out Blake is persistent when he wants to be … not that I didn’t already know that. The idea of sitting on top of an icy hill doesn’t seem as appealing anymore either. I can’t escape if I don’t like where he takes the conversation.

  “I’m not avoiding anything.”

  “Sure you aren’t. People don’t just need to get away from things, Neve. What changed? What made you run?”

  “Nothing, just a bad day.”

  He lets out a frustrated breath that clouds in front of him. Pulling off one glove, he pushes his hair off his forehead. The water droplets that have collected there from the low hanging branches make it stick up at odd angles. When he’s replaced his glove, he leans on the table, his body hunching over it and his hands clasp together.

  “Please give me something to work with here, Neve. I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s going on.”

  “Maybe I don’t need your help, maybe there isn’t anything going on,” I snap, immediately regretting it when he lowers his eyes in disappointment.

  “Since when did we start keeping things from each other?”

  I shrug, not sure what to say. It’s for his own good that I’m keeping this from him; he doesn’t need to be consumed by the darkness in my life. However, there’s a pain in his voice like that’s what I’m already doing. By not letting him in it sounds like I’m hurting him all the same. He’s been there through everything and I can’t see that changing, but he doesn’t need to know the sick, twisted thoughts I have.

  “It’s nothing, okay? Sometimes things become too much and I have a shitty day. I used to cry myself to sleep, but I can’t do that anymore so I needed to find another release.” I whisper the last line, wondering if I should have said it. It isn’t that I can’t cry because Blake sleeps next to me and I don’t want him to hear. It’s a physical thing I can’t do. There is something soothing about his presence. Sure, there are times when I lie there staring at the ceiling, but as long as Blake’s there the tears never come.

  “Come on, Neve. Don’t do this.” He’s shaking his head in despair.

  “Don’t do what? What am I doing?”

  “Pushing me away. You’re too stubborn for your own good. You don’t have to do everything yourself, you know. Let me in; I can help you.”

  “Don’t you start, too. There’s nothing wrong with me! Why does everyone think I’m deficient, broken, or need fixing?”

  “No, Neve. Do not lump me in with everyone else. You know as well as I do that I don’t think any of that. You’re great as you are, but you’re not happy. That’s all I want. I want to see you smile again like when we were little. I haven’t heard you truly laugh in a long time.”

  “Maybe if people minded their own business and stopped telling me who I am is wrong then I would be. But for now this is who I am.” I’m aware I’m being unfair, that my outburst is unjust, but that’s how it comes out. There’s no controlling the words that spew from my mouth. A part of my emotional dam has cracked and allowed them to run free. For a moment it sounds like the one person who has stood by me is joining the other side. He’s the only person I couldn’t take that from, and my instinct is to defend myself.

  Blake’s face depicts both anger and hurt. Nonetheless, the anger is slowly winning as I push him further than normal. He’s tense, his body stiff like the cold has frozen him, but I know better. It’s my words that have cut him. He doesn’t deserve them, yet I hurl them at him because he’s here … because he took the time to care. He followed me without question because I needed a friend and this is how I repay him.

  “You know I have nothing against who you are, Neve. When you wake up and realise that come and find me.”

  Before I can comprehend what he’s saying, Blake stands and with long, forceful strides he stalks away from me and back towards the trees. A nagging voice at the back of my mind is telling me to run after him and apologise, but my stubbornness is refusing to allow me to move. Even if I’m in the wrong, what he said stung; I’m tired of people attacking who I am.

  My fist slams down on the picnic bench, the crash echoing in the open space. Fighting back the tears, I watch Blake’s navy coat become one with the dark trees lining the edge of the clearing. He blends in and disappears, leaving me all alone with my thoughts—something that isn’t beneficial.

  I draw random shapes into the dusting of snow on the picnic table then erase them with a single swipe of my hand, only to begin again until it all melts. It’s a distraction, but it’s not a good one. The cold is quickly penetrating my gloves, freezing my hands. The wind’s also picking up, and even underneath my hat, scarf, and thick coat, the shivers are building. If I sit here any longer my teeth will be chattering uncontrollably.

  Not having a choice in the matter, I heave myself from the bench and head in the direction Blake stormed off in minutes ago. The darkness from the trees quickly encompasses me and the snow becomes thinner. For once I’m thankful I can navigate this area blindfolded. It hasn’t occurred to me until now that we arrived in Blake’s car, and I have no way of getting home if he leaves me.

  That thought alone makes me quicken my steps. I also deviate from the main path. It’s not something I usually do, especially when there’s snow covering every potential threat that could break my ankle. Yet I need to beat him to the bottom of the hill, and the only thing going in my favour is that I know these parts better than him.

  Stumbling down the ramparts, I bounce from tree to tree to remain upright and keep my balance. The momentum I’ve built up keeps me flying down the bank, making it almost impossible to stop until I deliberately crash into a trunk. The
ground beneath me is becoming trickier to navigate, more brambles, weeds, and fallen branches obstructing my path. The trees are also starting to become more spread out, forcing me to slow my pace. If I haven’t overtaken Blake by now, though, I have no chance of beating him back to the car as I can see the end to the wood. Beyond that is a single path down to the car park that’s icy with no way to run down it.

  I try to catch a glimpse of the car as I break free from the treeline, but nothing apart from leafless branches are visible. Rather than panic, I turn slowly, and pace myself. The loose gravel beneath the snow gives me a small comfort that I’m not near the icy sections. However, I take my time and round the last corner with my arms stretched out from my side to try and maintain my balance.

  When I have the car park in my sights, I breathe a sigh of relief that Blake’s car is still here, and slow myself down even more. I wasn’t sure he would actually leave me stranded, but there’s always a first for everything. I almost expect him to be sat in the driver’s seat waiting for me, but when I reach the passenger’s door, he’s nowhere to be seen.

  I turn and lean against the car, folding my arms and tucking my hands beneath my armpits to wait. There is no clue as to when Blake will arrive, but I doubt he’s that far behind me … unless he’s hurt himself somehow.

  My heart pounds at the thought. The blood races in my ears and my mind pictures all of the possible ways he could have injured himself. It’s just finished playing the last one of Blake sprawled out on the ground somewhere in the woods, unconscious, when a navy blob rounds the corner of the hill. From a single glance I can tell it’s Blake by his stance and walk. He doesn’t appear to be hurt, but he does still seem angry. His posture is rigid and his fists are clenched tightly against his legs with little sway.

  “I thought something had happened to you!” I cry when he reaches the car.

  He gives me a cursory glance and shrugs. “You care now?”

  “Don’t be stupid, I never stopped caring. I know I took a shortcut, but I could have sworn you left ages before me.”

  Blake shrugs again and unlocks the car before sliding into the driver’s seat. I pause for a second, trying to figure out how to make everything better. Obviously, I wait too long, because the window slides down and Blake leans across so he can speak. “Are you getting in or not? I need to get back and get ready to go out.”

  The annoyance in his voice shocks me out of my thoughts and I automatically open the door to climb in. I sit there watching him, the words I want to speak not coming from my mouth.

  “Put your seatbelt on.”

  I follow his order without question, and as soon as it clicks into place, Blake puts the car into reverse and begins the drive back home.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  Blake

  I hate the snow for prolonging the drive. No matter how much I want to speed off and rush home, I can’t. Instead I have to take things slow, watch the road carefully, and give it my full attention, which is a hard thing to do with all of the shit flying around in my head right now.

  The irritation at Neve refuses to leave me. I thought my gentle walk back to the car would calm me, but then she starts acting like nothing’s happened. The worry was genuine, and I can’t figure out how she ran so fast through the woods to beat me back, but it infuriates me further. The only problem is that I’m not sure what I’m angry about anymore: the fact she won’t let me in, or because she risked injuring herself because she actually thought I would leave her. If that wasn’t enough, there is also the situation of falling to the ground together and the moment we shared on the top. The look she gave me was filled with desire. She’s never looked at me like that before, and it’s only adding to the confusing bundle of thoughts that are playing on repeat and making me dizzy.

  When I catch a glimpse of her from the corner of my eye, she doesn’t look like the same Neve I grew up with. She stares out of the window, ignoring me, and neither of us speaks. The awkwardness and tension festering between us is palpable, but she made it that way. I have done everything in my power to try and make her life more comfortable, but she still doubts me. I’m at a loss of what I can do to prove to her how I feel. Haven’t my actions been clear enough? For a split second when we were in the clearing she looked like she felt the same, and then she flipped again so I forced myself to brush it aside.

  It’s giving me whiplash.

  I want her but I can’t scare her off by telling her that. She needs me more than I need a relationship. That’s probably what’s angered me most: her constant shift in mood. One minute she’s fine and the next she’s spinning my words to suit her. Even if she’s angry, she should know to trust me.

  Arriving home as quickly as possible, I head up to the flat without even acknowledging her. She closes the front door behind us, but I head straight into my room and dive into the shower. Even if it goes against all of my instincts not to make things right with her, I have to let her know somehow that what she said hurt.

  The water’s scalding as I stand under it, allowing it to thaw my frozen body. I have to get out tonight, knowing if I stick around I’ll cave to whatever she wants. I can’t kid myself, even when I’m mad I would do anything Neve asked of me, and for that reason I need to be able to clear my head in peace.

  I’m not holding anything against her, but she’s made it known numerous times she’s never going to let me in fully. All that’s doing is adding to the fury I’m directing at her right now. I hate that I can’t fix everything for her, and I hate that she’s so blinded by what she assumes everyone thinks that she can’t see the truth. Sure, there are plenty of people who criticise her, but they’re all Neve focuses on. There are people who love her, yet she chooses to focus on the negatives. It kills me to know she’s unable to see how strongly I feel for her.

  I switch off the shower, not needing to go over my thoughts anymore. Rather, I get dressed, grab my keys, and head straight past Neve who is sitting on the sofa. She’s watching me with big, round eyes, yet I walk out of the door without so much as a good-bye.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  Neve

  The clock continues to count: seconds, minutes, hours, as I watch it. I haven’t moved from the sofa, not wanting to miss the moment Blake comes home. I don’t know where he’s gone, but I have my assumptions. However, as time drags on and the night draws in, my heart constricts even tighter in my chest with every minute that goes by.

  The room has been plunged into blackness, yet I can’t even be bothered to get up and switch on a light. There’s something soothing about the dark. It’s warm and cosy like I’m embraced by something, or at least I can’t see I’m alone. I imagine Blake is next to me and everything is okay, but the sound of footsteps distracts me. My heartbeat picks up, I sit a little straighter, and I go over my speech once more so I’m prepared to grovel.

  I watch the door open, but I’m momentarily blinded from seeing who it is when the lights are switched on. Squealing at the sudden brightness, I raise my hands to shield my eyes.

  “Shit, Neve! What the hell are you doing sitting in the dark on your own? I think you stopped my heart for a minute.”

  Disappointment floods my chest at the voice, which doesn’t belong to Blake. My shoulders fall back against the leather material and my body deflates. “Oh, hi Robbie. Sorry, I was waiting for Blake and I couldn’t be bothered to get up to switch a light on.”

  “How long have you been sat there?” He places the groceries on the table and starts unpacking them.

  “Three hours, forty minutes, and twenty … no wait, twenty-one seconds.”

  He arches an eyebrow at me curiously and then goes back to putting away the items he’s bought. “Why have you been sat there so long?”

  “We had a fight and he left. I want to apologise.”

  He nods like I’ve given him the answer he was expecting. “Figured as much. That explains why you looked so unhappy to see me.”

  “You don’t happen to know where he’s go
ne, do you? He hasn’t been answering my texts.”

  Robbie shakes his head. Scrunching up the carrier bags in his hands, he moves over to me and places a hand on my shoulder in a reassuring gesture when I let out a defeated sigh. “It will all work out, Neve. He loves you really, just let him burn off his anger his own way and in his own time.”

  “I guess so. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.”

  “Maybe you should do something else to keep your mind off him?”

  I shrug and Robbie takes it as his cue to leave. When five more minutes have drifted by I decide to listen to his advice. Returning to the sofa with my laptop, I bring up my email diary and begin to type.

  From: Neve Colvin

  To: Neve Colvin

  Blake, I’ve never written to you like this before, but with you not answering your phone or replying to me I have no other way to tell you what’s going on. I know you’ll never read this, but I can pretend for now. At least it will help me pass the time until I can tell you this in person.

  I’ve known you since I was one, and despite having no recollection of those first years, from when I can remember you have always been there. No matter what I’ve done, you’ve stood by me and defended me … you’re the only one who has.

  I’m so sorry I connected you with everyone else. You are a hundred times better than all of them, and I didn’t mean what I was saying. I can’t help it right now, I’m just so down that everyone becomes the enemy. Even if it’s wrong.

  All you’ve done is help me. You’ve offered me more than I could ever ask of you, and even if I don’t show it, please know that I’m eternally grateful. I don’t mean to take advantage of you, or cause this between us.