Not Enough

by Mia Hoddell

  I miss you when you’re gone.

  You make me happy, Blake, and I’d hate to face the rest of my life knowing you won’t be by my side. It’s the only thing I know for certain that would break me completely.

  I’m serious about that. You make my life bearable right now, and I don’t want to consider what it would be like for you not to come back.

  Please come back, Blake. I’m sorry.

  * * *

  I must have fallen asleep at some point because Robbie is shaking my shoulder gently.

  “Neve, it’s late. You should go to bed.”

  Opening my eyes, I squint at him. When the tiredness clears I can see he’s in front of me. My laptop is no longer on me, but folded up and resting on the table. Robbie’s doing, I presume.

  “I have to wait for Blake,” I moan, looking at him fully for the first time. He’s only switched on a lamp in the furthest corner of the room, washing everything in the dim light of an energy saving bulb that takes forever to warm up. Regardless, there’s enough light to see he’s only dressed in a pair of cotton pyjama bottoms. I wouldn’t say his body was overly impressive, but that’s because my mind instantly compares it to Blake’s. No doubt if I didn’t have that image in my head, I’d be a little speechless at the sight of the light catching his muscles.

  When I reach his face, he looks at me sadly. His eyes are heavy with sleep, but the sympathy still burns in them. “It’s two o’clock in the morning, Neve. I don’t think he’s coming back tonight. You should get some rest so you’ll be fresh to deal with everything tomorrow.”

  I cast my eyes down in disappointment and lower my head. The action pulls on the crick in my neck, causing me to wince and lift my hand to knead the muscles there.

  “Okay,” I mutter, slowly hauling myself off the sofa. I can feel Robbie’s eyes on me as I walk towards my room. He doesn’t say anything, but it seems like he wants to. Turning, I give him a nod before I shut the door, only glimpsing the sight of him heading back to his room. It’s funny how Robbie has grown to care for me. I don’t understand why, but he has become another Blake in the short amount of time. Well, Robbie is more like a brother and Blake is … Blake is more.

  And just like that my mind returns to thinking of Blake and why he hasn’t come home. I pull out my phone, even though I know I’m not going to be faced with any unread messages. Proved right, I collapse on the bed fully clothed because I can’t be bothered to waste my energy getting undressed. I lie on my back, listening to the silence of the night. There’s an owl hooting somewhere in the distance, but beside that, there’s nothing.

  The bed’s cold without Blake’s strong, warm body next to mine. There’s an emptiness in the room that just doesn’t seem right. He’s not here to banish my tears, and for the first night since moving in, one falls down my cheek as I try to sleep.

  The distance he’s put between us is too much. It proves there must be something wrong with me because finally everyone I love has left me. I can no longer make excuses; I drove Blake away, I took him for granted, and I didn’t show him how I really feel.

  With my mind spinning, that thought stands out to me most. The rest of them come and go quickly, but that one is pinned to the front of my mind, staring me in the face. It’s been there a while, but I’ve ignored it. I’ve tried to bury it along with all of my other emotions, yet this distance is only clarifying what I’ve known for at least a year. I can’t live without Blake. I’m in love with my best friend, and somehow I’m going to have to try and prove I’m enough for him.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  Neve

  I wake up the next day hoping to find Blake has come home and is curled up next to me. However, stretching a hand out to his side of the mattress all I feel are the cold, empty sheets and the space intensifies the ache in my chest. A lead weight settles in my stomach at the thought of having to go through another day like last night. I barely want to bring myself to throw off the covers, but I do.

  The chill in the air hits me, sending goose bumps racing all over my skin. A shiver shakes my body while I quell the urge to dive right back under the duvet. It’s a toss-up between showering and getting warm or eating first, yet the familiar rumble of my stomach reminds me I haven’t eaten since lunch the day before.

  It looks like I have the place to myself when I tiptoe out into the kitchen, trying to keep as little of my bare feet on the tiled floor as possible. The flat is silent and Robbie’s door is shut, meaning he’s either still asleep or already out. As I grab my bowl of cereal, I’m thankful it’s a Saturday and I don’t have to work. Instead I can sit at home and wait for Blake to come back seeing as I can’t focus on my designs in this state.

  When I step out of the shower and have grabbed some clean clothes, I’m about to head back into the bedroom when voices stop me. They’re muted behind the doors, but my heart leaps at the deep rumble I can’t mistake for anyone other than Blake. I don’t care about the argument that’s going to ensue. I’m just happy he’s back. It should have been obvious considering this is his flat, but I still doubted him.

  I walk out into the bedroom at the same time Blake comes through from the living room. Both of us pause as we spot each other, our eyes meeting.

  “We need to talk.” His voice is serious but calm and the sound makes me swallow hard. I nod in response and look at the bed before moving to perch on the edge of it.

  When he goes to speak, I cut him off. Forgetting my prepared and structured apology, the words tumble out randomly. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said what I did. You didn’t deserve any of that, and I can’t believe I pushed you away. It was horrible without you here last night. It made me realise that I have nobody. Everybody I thought I had left me. One by one they disappear without so much as a good-bye, and I thought you were next. I’m not good enough for people to stick around anyway, so it wouldn’t surprise me if you wanted me gone, too. You’ve stuck by me through everything and I take that for granted. I really am sorry. Please don’t leave me.” Tears trickle down my face, falling on to my lap as I stare at the floor, not able to meet his eyes. I don’t need a mirror to know there is a deranged pain in them.

  I hear him exhale, a deep heavy sigh that sounds like he’s trying to keep everything together. “I’m here, Neve. You have me and I’m not going anywhere. I’m sorry I left like that, it was wrong. All I needed was some space to clear my head. There were a lot of things I had to sort out.” An arm wraps around me. Pulling me against his chest, his hand finds my hair and he tangles his fingers in it. I sniff, trying to recall the tears and in doing so I catch the smell of oil and grease. Strangely the combination comforts me, knowing Blake was at the garage rather than in a bar or with a girl like I had assumed.

  Memories of Blake with girlfriend after girlfriend hit me hard, forcing me to realise I don’t have Blake completely. I’ll always be second as the best friend if he finds someone else. I don’t want to be that person, and I hate taking him away from others to rescue me. I want to be the one he’s with and I want all he has to offer.

  “You’re wrong, Blake. I have a part of you and am a small piece of your life, but I don’t have you.”

  “What are you on about, Neve?” He holds me at arm’s length, frowning down at me. His eyes have darkened with confusion and his jaw is locked tight.

  “You just said I have you, but I don’t really. You’re going to find someone else, settle down one day, and we’re going to grow a part. I’ll always be the best friend in the background. That isn’t what I want.”

  “What are you saying, Neve? I don’t understand. What is it you want?” His words have a sharper bite to them as his voice rises in agitation.

  “You. I want you and I want more,” I choke out, my throat dry and scratchy.

  “You have me, Stripes. You’ve had me for years.”

  “Not how I want. I need more.”

  He pulls at his hair, climbing off the bed and groaning in frustration as he paces towards the windo
w. When he turns back to me his eyes are tortured. “What more can I give you?”

  “What don’t you understand about wanting more than friendship?”

  “Nothing, I understood perfectly. You’re the one who’s misunderstanding.”

  Now it’s my turn to look at him in confusion. I don’t know why this is so hard. Neither of us has said no to what I’m proposing and it sounds like we’re on the same page.

  “I told you, Neve. You have me and you’ve had me for years. If you want me you’ve got me.”

  His words should make me want to run up and hug him, but they don’t. Instead I stay on the bed, trying to process what he’s said. It wasn’t how I expected this talk to go. I assumed there would be shouting and crying … that he’d turn me down and then our friendship would be beyond repair.

  “Are you serious?”

  “Of course I am.” He walks slowly towards me, dropping to his knees in front of the bed so he can see my downcast eyes properly.

  “But why? I’m broken.”

  His sigh is mixed with a weak laugh, and peering up through my eyelashes I see him shake his head. “Really? You tell me you want more, and now I’m offering it you don’t understand why. You’re not broken, Neve.” I lower my head at his words, but his finger pulls my gaze back to his. “You’re not.”

  “Whatever, try telling that to everyone else.”

  “Fuck their opinions, Neve. You’re. Not. Broken. You’re not deficient or not good enough. You’re stronger than you believe. So what if you’re quieter than the rest of the people you’ve mixed with. That doesn’t make you any less funny, quick witted, clever, beautiful, or a great friend to be around. You’ve been given a hard time, but you’re still here fighting, and I’ll always be there beside you.”

  I tense at his words, at how far from the truth they are. “I haven’t always. There have been times where fighting was the furthest thing from my mind.” If only he knew how far I’d taken things, he wouldn’t be sitting here complimenting me.

  “Don’t be daft, of course you are. You’re here, aren’t you? And you just pledged your undying love to me.”

  “I did no—” I stop talking abruptly when I glance up and catch his teasing grin. “You’re annoying.”

  “It got a smile out of you though.”

  I bob my head gently in agreement, thankful that the change of subject stopped me revealing the one and only thing Blake doesn’t know.

  “So what now? How does this work between us? Are you sure this is what you want? It’s not exactly like you … thought about … it.” My words trail off and die on my lips when his gaze changes. His eyes darken, hunger swirling in them as he moves towards me. His hands travel up my thighs, getting higher and his face inches closer to mine. Our eyes never leave each other’s and the intensity in his gaze makes me catch my breath.

  Blake doesn’t give me time to think, let alone back away. His lips touch mine gently at first, as if he’s unsure about what he’s doing and testing the waters. With light caresses, they move against mine softly while his hand finds its way to my neck, keeping me in place. A heat ignites within me at his touch, my heart fluttering and my stomach somersaulting. I didn’t realise it could feel like this, if I had I would have let Blake kiss me a lot sooner.

  Slowly he pulls back and my eyes open. “Does that convince you?”

  My hand rises to my face, grazing my lips. I’m still trying to figure out what has just happened. He’s literally rendered me speechless and surprisingly there’s nothing awkward about his actions.

  “Why didn’t you have to think about this? You have to think about everything.”

  “I have thought about it … a lot.”

  His comment stuns me again. I’ve never received even the slightest hint he wanted anything more than friendship, but maybe I’ve been too wrapped up in my bubble of problems to notice.

  “Since when?”

  “Since you started moaning to me about guys ignoring you at fifteen. Having you so close all these years and now sleeping in the same bed with you but not being able to do anything has been torture.”

  My mouth drops, my jaw hanging slack. “But that’s years! You’ve never even acted like you want me.”

  “Think about it, Stripes. If I had and you said no what would have happened? I didn’t want to lose you. I know how your mind works. You would have overthought everything and I didn’t want things to be awkward between us. You needed a friend and I wanted to be there for you, even if it meant hiding my feelings.”

  “But I wouldn’t have.”

  “Yeah, well, that’s obvious now, but at the time I didn’t want to ruin things. How was I meant to know you like me? I mean, I know I’m a good catch, but it’s not like you gave me any clues.”

  I roll my eyes and laugh. “Since when have you been a good catch?”

  “You must see something in me …” He’s leaning towards me again, his body moving in between my legs and his strong hands circling my waist.

  “Are you going to kiss me again?”

  “If you shut up.”

  “You’re the talkative one. There are a lot of people who will contest I have social skills.”

  He pulls back and arches an eyebrow.

  “Sorry.” I shut up, and this time he doesn’t hesitate. His lips are back on mine. More forceful than before, the kiss is urgent like he’s no longer afraid I will reject him. I kiss him back with as much enthusiasm, our mouths moving as one. Regardless, my mind is elsewhere. I know this sounds bad and I should be happy with what has just happened, but the gnawing doubt in the back of my mind keeps asking me whether Blake is enough to banish my darkness.

  * * *

  The rest of the day is filled with awkward pauses, secretive smiles, and general bumbling around as we try to figure everything out. Neither of us knows how to act around each other, which is a new experience. Not once has Blake ever made me feel uncomfortable, but the new, and quite frankly sudden, change to the dynamic of our relationship has me acting like a babbling idiot.

  “Okay, this has got to stop. It’s ridiculous.” Blake catches my arm in the kitchen when I try to escape without making eye contact. His hand trails down my arm until it is clasped loosely around my wrist. Dragging me back towards him, my free hand rises to stop myself being pushed flush against his chest.

  “What’s got to stop?” I ask, craning my neck up to look at him. He’s watching me carefully, but there’s playfulness in his eyes when his hands let go of me and travel down my back to rest in my pockets. It feels right, but also strange.

  “We’re being stupid. Nothing’s changed between us except there are a few added benefits to our relationship. We don’t have to act any differently. I know everything there is to know about you already and vice versa. If you haven’t scared me off by now, I don’t think being in a relationship is going to do it.”

  I eye him suspiciously. “First of all, why am I the one doing the scaring? I’d say I’m the one who’s had to put up with you. Secondly, and more importantly, who says you’re going to be getting those kinds of benefits?” My face heats at the words. Yes, I’m attracted to Blake, and yes kissing him was, well … wow … but I’m not ready to take things any further. I need to get my head around the idea that he’s more than my best friend first.

  Blake chuckles. “I was talking about kissing you, Stripes. Although, I wouldn’t turn down anything more if you offered it.”

  My mouth moves but no sound comes out, causing him to laugh at me even further.

  “Listen, I know this is going to feel weird until we get used to it, but nothing has to change. You’re still my best friend, and we’ll do everything we used to. The only difference now is—”

  From somewhere deep within me I drag up the courage to prove his point and kiss him. Stretching on to my toes, I give him a quick peck on the lips—at least that’s what it’s meant to be. When I move to back away, Blake holds me in place. The pressure is only light, and most of me move
s willingly, so within seconds our lips reconnect. Sure I’m not going to pull away again, his hand returns to my back pocket, keeping me tightly against him. I part my lips and when his tongue enters my mouth, sweeping across my bottom lip, I’m lost to everything but Blake. All I can focus on is his smell, the warm, cosy smell that feels like home. I can’t see anything but him, even with my eyes closed, and I can feel his heartbeat against my chest, pulsing fast as we remain locked in each other’s embrace.

  I whimper when his hands trail up and down my back. They pause just above my hips and dip under my shirt so he grazes my bare skin. Blake steals my breath away with his kiss, it consumes me entirely.

  A throat clears behind us. “I see you two kissed and made up then … literally.”

  Jumping apart like two guilty teenagers who’ve been caught behind the bike shed, suddenly we’re at either ends of the kitchen. That’s not really very far in the small flat, but it’s enough to see Blake is just as out of breath and staring daggers at Robbie.

  “What’s going on in here?”

  I shake my head at his insinuating tone, even though I can’t blame him for questioning what he saw.

  Blake and I glance at each other, silently having a conversation with our eyes. It’s an ability we’ve developed over the years, and now we can almost have an entire conversation without a word being spoken. He doesn’t look like he wants Robbie to know the truth, but how can we deny it?

  I raise my eyebrow, questioning his judgement, and by the exasperation that crosses his face I know he’s come to the same conclusion. Closing the small space between us, he’s once again by my side. Leaning back on the counter, one arm rests behind me, barely grazing my back but close enough for me to feel his heat.

  “Anyone feel like answering me?” Robbie’s smirking at us, his arms folded casually.

  “Shut up and mind your own business.” Blake’s tone isn’t aggressive, but it’s forceful.