Not Enough

by Mia Hoddell

  “I’m not saying I am going to. All I want is to know I’ll have backup if I decide to attend.”

  His expression makes it clear he doesn’t believe a word. “That’s not true, you’re going to end up going no matter how much you shouldn’t.”

  “Please, Blake. I’m not asking for your opinion, I’m asking for your help.”

  With a serious gaze and nod, Blake reaches across the table and takes my hand. Bringing it to his lips he kisses each of my knuckles so confidently it’s like he’s been doing it his entire life. The feeling of his breath caressing my skin is surprisingly calming.

  “Of course I’ll go with you. There’s no way you could stop me going even if I try every trick to stop you. It’s not that I mind putting you together again, but I’d rather not have to see you like that.”

  Relief washes through me. As long as I have Blake on my side I feel as if I can handle anything. I also silently promise myself that I will not burden him with the consequences. If I’m going to fall apart then I vow to do it in private, even though Blake would be there for me no matter what. He’s never said I told you so and I can’t see him doing it in the future either, but it doesn’t seem fair.

  “Thank you.” My voice comes out in a choked rasp and I catch a glimpse of the watch on his wrist. “I need to get back to work.”

  Blake nods and stands with me. “Do you want me to walk you back? I still have half an hour.”

  “No, you stay. It’s only across the street,” I say, and even though I’m not usually an outwardly affectionate person—at least not the one who initiates contact—I wrap my arms around his waist. Squeezing him tightly, I press my face against his chest and breathe him in. “Thanks for lunch.”

  Smiling up at him, he dips his head to give me a kiss.

  “I may be home a little later than usual. Please promise me one thing.” I look at him in question, not able to figure out what he could want from me. “Don’t think about this or drive yourself crazy worrying about her. If you want to, please wait until I’m home and we can discuss it.”

  With an exasperated huff, I force a weak smile on to my face. “I’ll try. I can’t promise it won’t happen. I mean, I haven’t heard from her since I left and suddenly I’m being cajoled into making an appearance at a wedding.”

  “Neve …”

  “I’m fine, Blake. And I really need to be going. The last thing I want is to be fired … well, I don’t care about the job, but the money …” Without gaining a response, I hurry out the door. Almost as soon as the fresh air hits me, I break my promise. The snow has cleared, allowing me to move briskly across the centre of town and into the building. What Mum’s asked me to do isn’t something I can push from my mind like it never existed no matter what I tell Blake. Going to the wedding is something I will regret. Everyone will comment on my life, yet I doubt Mum has told them I’ve moved out so as not to tarnish her reputation. That means that I’ll have to choose whether to play along or tell the truth. Neither option are things I want to do, I don’t even want to go. However, a small sense of obligation is pulling on me, drawing on the ingrained guilt that still lingers within me. I hate that it’s still there. After everything that family has put me through for being different, I don’t owe them anything. Yet I can’t bring myself to cut them off just like that … they are my family after all, even if they’re a bunch of jackasses.

  Blake’s right, though; he knows what decision I’m going to make. Pulling out my phone before I get back to work, I send Mum a text.

  Me: I’ll be there, but I’m bringing Blake.

  Her reply is almost instantaneous.

  Mum: No you’re not. I already have your date organised.

  My heart stops for a second when I read her words, then resumes beating quicker than before as anger takes over. How dare she tell me who I can or can’t bring as a date, then go as far as organising one for me like I can’t do it myself.

  Me: Yes I am. It’s that or I don’t show up.

  Switching off my phone, I head back to work. I’ve said what I needed to and refuse to argue.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  Neve

  “Neve, hurry up. If you really want to do this then we have to leave in …” There’s a pause in Blake’s rant from the other side of the bathroom door. “Well, we should have left five minutes ago.”

  “We’ll get there when we get there. There isn’t any rush.” I’m standing in front of the mirror applying a coat of gloss to my lips to complete my look. It isn’t my intention to stall, but the more I think about it the better off we’ll be if we arrive just as the ceremony is about to begin. If we cut it close, we’ll miss all of the chat outside of the church, and hopefully save myself at least an hour of humiliation and derogatory comments from my relatives.

  “How about we just stay here?” Blake calls, opening the door. He appears over my shoulder in the mirror, his jet black suit, white shirt, and black skinny tie taking me aback. His hair is ruffled but it’s as though every spike has been perfectly placed, and he’s clean shaven. I can feel his smooth skin grazing my cheek when he rests his head on my shoulder and his arms grip me around the waist. “I can think of plenty more interesting things to do if we stay here. Robbie’s not even home so we have the place to ourselves.” His voice is low and filled with restrained desire. Placing a kiss at the nape of my neck, his lips part and his teeth lightly scratch my skin.

  The action causes me to lean back into him with a whimper. He’s become more confident with showing his affection towards me as the weeks have gone by. His actions are bolder and I’m trying to do the same. Things are settling down between us as we find our rhythm, but that’s not to say there isn’t the odd awkward moment, mostly a freak out from me.

  “Blake, please …” I moan, but whether it is out of protest or longing I can’t be sure. I think it’s mostly begging him not to rehash our argument. Countless times over the week he’s tried to convince me this is a bad idea, and even though I agree, I’m still following through.

  He smirks at me in the mirror then kisses my cheek quickly. “Come on, you’re pretty enough.” Without giving me a chance to protest, he pulls me from the bathroom. I struggle to keep up with him because of my heels as he drags me through the flat, but also because I’m trying to grab everything I need on my way out. Phone, keys, iPod, Kindle, make-up … pepper spray, Taser. My thoughts run away from me with the last items, but at least I seem to be in good spirits with my dry sense of humour. We’ll see how long that lasts, I think as Blake locks the door behind us.

  * * *

  Parked near the church, I’m pulling at the hem of my dress. It’s a navy bodycon with long, lace sleeves, and cuts me just above the knee. I’ve left my hair down even though it hides some of the delicate patterns, finding comfort in the fact it acts like a barrier to block out the world. My make-up also remains at a minimum.

  “It’s not too late to turn around and head home,” Blake’s voice snaps me from my trance. I stare out of the window at the guests and my family who have congregated in front of the church. Sadly, we made good time, and have arrived early, which is what has me sitting in the car deliberating over whether or not to move.

  Just then I see my mother in the crowd. And low and behold, she has some random guy tailing her. I’m speechless at the fact she meant what she had said. I shouldn’t be, but I am. The fact is, I never told Blake because I thought she’d take my threat seriously.

  Yeah, it was a stupid move on my part to think that anything with my mother would magically straighten itself out.

  “Stripes? You want to go?” I realise I never answered him when he speaks again.

  Shaking my head, I turn to face him with a wary expression. “No, but I should probably tell you something first.” He cocks his head to one side curiously, signalling for me to continue. “I think my mother is trying to set me up with someone and has brought along a date for me. I didn’t think she was serious … God only knows why I didn’t beli
eve her.”

  Blake’s gaze hardens as he glances over my shoulder. The moment he spots the unknown guy is obvious, his nostrils flare and his jaw clenches. “I’m not sharing you, Neve. She has no right to interfere with our relationship.”

  “You don’t have to tell me that. The last thing I want is to be separated from you. Do you think we should tell her about us then? I mean, I told her I was bringing you, but I’m not sure how she’ll take us being together.”

  “I don’t care what she thinks. You’re my girlfriend and it’s your life. I don’t want you anywhere near the asshole who’s with her.”

  Well this got serious quick. Reaching over I place my hand in Blake’s and try to give him a placating smile. It’s strange that I actually like his possessiveness, especially here. “I don’t want to be anywhere near him either. Just stay with me and we should be okay.”

  He nods curtly. “I suppose we better head over if you’re sure you don’t want to go home. Last chance to change your mind.” His mood shifts back to the loving Blake as he gives me a cheeky smile.

  “Come on, before you manage to convince me this is a ridiculous idea.”

  “There’s a chance I will?” The hope in his voice rises.

  “Blake … don’t. This isn’t what I need right now. Can you please just get your ass out of this car and meet me around the other side?”

  “If that’s what you want.” A rush of frigid air whips into the car when he opens the door, and before I allow my body to react to it or question my decision all over again—because seriously, who wants a winter wedding in friggin’ England—I do the same. Swivelling, I place one foot on the floor and then Blake is there, offering his hand. I allow him to help me from the car, and once he’s shut the door behind me he puts an arm around my waist. When he tugs me flush against his side, I’m not only glad for the comfort and support, but also the warmth.

  “You look beautiful by the way, if I haven’t said it already.”

  “You hadn’t.” I tilt my head so I’m leaning against his shoulder.

  “Well you do. You look gorgeous most days, but today … wow.”

  “You’re not so bad yourself,” I mutter back, my cheeks flushing at the compliment. I’ve never been one to accept them gracefully and move on without embarrassment.

  “Oh, I know. If anyone can pull off a suit it’s me.” His statement causes me to chuckle, which I’m sure was the intention. When he hears me he places a kiss on top of my head, his hand running up and down my arm.

  I don’t get time to respond as we reach the front of the church and Mum finds us. The freckly guy with strawberry-blond hair is still hot on her heels. She eyes the gap—well lack of gap—between me and Blake with suspicion. Her gaze wanders over us both in a disapproving way, especially over me and my dress. When her nose scrunches up in disgust, I’m secretly pleased that I don’t meet her standards. I know I look great, not that I would admit it out loud, so it doesn’t faze me.

  As if remembering where she is, her face magically transforms into a fake, Hollywood smile, all of the creases ironing themselves out.

  “Neve, you’re here! And don’t you look lovely.” She strolls over to me, arms held out as if she’s going to hug me, but Blake refuses to relinquish his hold—thankfully—so she has to acknowledge him. “You brought Blake too, isn’t that a nice surprise!”

  Drawing us both into her arms only when her head is between us does she allow the facade to fall. “I thought I told you to come alone. You already have a date.” Her tone is icier than the wind that is picking up around us and licking at my legs as she hisses so both of us can hear.

  “Not my fault you ignored me. I told you I was bringing Blake.” I know I shouldn’t bite, but I can’t help it. The words flow through gritted teeth with barely controlled anger. Unlike her, I don’t bother to lower my voice, not caring whether her true intentions are made public.

  Pulling back, Mum scowls at me and then turns to Blake, regarding him distastefully. “Well, I’m sure Blake will be fine on his own.” She then turns to Freckles, motioning for him to step forward. “Neve, I’d like you to meet Kevin. He’s just graduated from Oxford with a degree in Biology.”

  I refrain from rolling my eyes at my mother’s obvious dig. She’s always been impressed with what university someone goes to over everything else, thinking it gives them some kind of superiority. Throwing Kevin a polite smile, I wrap the arm closest to Blake around his waist when he tenses at my side. I don’t want to put Kevin down or be rude, but he’s really not my type, I don’t feel like learning about someone, and I can’t find a way to soften the blow. “Hi Kevin, nice to meet you. This is my boyfriend, Blake.”

  Mum appears momentarily stunned and Kevin looks uneasy.

  “Boyfriend?” she asks, for once not having much to say. I like that I’ve shocked her.

  “That’s what I said, wasn’t it?”

  “How long has this been going on for?”

  “Long enough.” I pause, looking over her shoulder. “Everyone’s going in, we should join them.”

  “We will discuss this later.” She turns her back on us, once again pulling up her fake smile that she only uses when out in public so as not to be seen as the evil she really is. It leaves us standing there with Kevin.

  His blush is so furious that it almost makes his freckles disappear. “I’m sorry about this. I was coerced into being here by my parents … not that you don’t seem worth it. I swear I never would have come if I knew you weren’t single,” he stammers, glancing nervously up at Blake. I can’t see his expression, but I can guess that his eyes and mouth have hardened into firm, threatening lines if Kevin’s reaction and the tightness of Blake’s grip on my shoulders are anything to go by.

  “It’s not your fault. As you can probably tell, I don’t really see eye to eye with my mum. I did try to tell her, but she’s an unstoppable force. I’m guessing your parents are friends with her?” He gives me a weak nod, but he’s still focused on Blake. I dig my fingers into his side, jabbing him in the ribs as a warning.

  “No hard feelings. Just stay away from my girl throughout the day and we’re cool.”

  I stifle the smile wanting to emerge at Blake’s macho crap. He’s taking the protectiveness to the extreme unnecessarily, but I have to admit hearing him call me his girl sends my heart into a flurry.

  * * *

  The ceremony is dull. I mime along to the hymns, roll my eyes at the sappy vows, and because we’re sat right at the back, I pull out my Kindle somewhere during the middle of the service to kill my boredom. I did realise quickly that I was being rude though and when Blake gave me a disapproving head shake, I put it back in my bag. So far I have managed to avoid all relatives by being the last ones to arrive and leave, but as we enter the hall of the manor house Sia—my cousin—has booked for the reception I know that’s about to change.

  Holding on to Blake like he’s my lifeline, we move through the extravagant and overly large room. The walls are painted cream, but the yellowish lights shaped like candle holders illuminate them with a warm glow. Everything is decorated so it fits with the colour scheme. Chairs are covered with white material, golden brown bows tied at the back. The tables are dressed in a mixture of the two, and in the middle white orchids and some kind of long, curly grass are the centre pieces in tall, stemmed vases.

  We find our table swiftly, and like predicted I’m sat with my mum and … I pause when I see the name on the card that’s placed on my other side. My heart thunders in my chest, hating the idea that Blake won’t be sitting next to me.

  If I’m to get through this I need him.

  His promise to be by my side is the only reason I agreed to come.

  I can see the obvious dilemma in his eyes as Blake scans the tables and room that are filling up quickly. Mum is flouncing towards us, commenting to some of the other guests on her way over, and when she sees us still stood up, the smile falters.

  “Mum, care to explain why Blake isn�
��t sitting next to me?” I can’t keep the venom from my words.

  “I told you, you had a date and didn’t need to bring him. I assumed you would listen. Come and sit down, they’re going to start serving food soon.” She tries to usher me into a chair, but I stay firmly by Blake. “I think there’s a free seat over at that table,” Mum says, pointing to the other side of the room. It’s obviously directed at Blake, and I can see he’s torn.

  “You can take my seat, Blake. You should be with your girlfriend; I’ll sit over there,” Kevin’s voice interrupts, solving the problem without an argument … or at least I assume. I shouldn’t be so quick to jump to conclusions.

  “Don’t be silly, Kevin. You will sit here with Neve and I. Blake will be fine, won’t you?”

  He stammers, not sure what to say. I know he wants to stay with me and keep his promise, but even I can’t see how he’s going to get around my mum. With a small nod, I communicate that it’s okay. Once I’ve given his hand a last squeeze, he heads over to the table Mum pointed out. The warning look he gives Kevin doesn’t escape my notice.

  “That was not necessary,” I hiss to Mum when I step by her and take my seat, followed shortly by Kevin.

  “I’m sorry, Neve.”

  Shaking my head at him, I take a deep breath so as not to inflict my frustration upon him. In all fairness he tried. It’s not his fault my mum’s an unreasonable, cold-hearted bitch who will please everyone else over her daughter. “Don’t be, it’s not you.”

  Our table fills up and the room clears as people take their seats. Shortly after, the waiters are bringing out the meals and placing them in front of us. I wolf down my food in silence with the hope of leaving quicker. However, as soon as the plates are cleared, I’m bound to my seat by the speeches, and once those have ended the music picks up and all hopes of a lucky escape are dashed.

  “Not your scene either?” Kevin asks, probably noticing my dejected look.