Shooting Stars Don't Say Goodbye

by Marcos, J. A.

  - We know each other for such a short period of time - I interrupted - there can be no involvement of any kind between us. And no, Matt, the problem is not that I think you inconsequential, childish or anything else. Well, I do, but it’s not only that. There’s much more. We kissed, just that. It was just a kiss. There’s no way to exist an involvement simply because of a kiss.

  - You are the one who don’t understand that, Emily. It was not just a kiss like you're saying. That kiss could not have happened, we could still know each other, but our destination was supposed to be that, finding each other, be happy together.

  - You 're 21 - I said interrupting him too - is younger than me. And I don’t relate myself to younger people. Besides, you're the opposite of me. I like to be at home, you like adrenaline. As I hate tattoos and, as far as I know, you have a huge one on your arm. I do not agree with men wearing earrings, and touching your ear I realized that you wear one. There are many things, it’s a set. These are details that show that we are incompatible.

  - All this is bullshit. It has nothing to do with it. I have not found any reason for us not to know each other better. I'm just listening to you make excuses. And all excuses are meaningless. No nexus. An earring? What’s up with an earring? My tattoo, that you didn’t even ask what it would be, what it means. The fact that I am younger? What age has to do with maturity? I'm being much more mature than you, right now. And you are being prejudiced to me, judging me without knowing me.

  - I'm not being prejudiced. I'm not saying you're a bad person. A criminal, a tramp, or anything like that. I'm just saying that we are incompatible. That we don’t match, that…

  - And that’s the funny part, Ems - he interrupted me before I could finish my thought - the fact that we are different, don’t match, as you say. This is the spice that we need to work. I'll have a lot to teach you, and you will have a lot to teach me. Not that we are different, we just have different experiences, and we can share these experiences. We can share what we live, we can teach each other.

  - That’s not how it works, Matt.

  - Yes. Let me show you that it works, Ems. I will not accept to be a victim of your prejudice. I want to show you who I am. I want you to know me. Let me show you that I can make you happy.

  - But I will not be able to make you happy. Don’t you understand? I'm blind, Mathew. I am unable to accompany you. I'll be a weight to you. You're younger, you have to enjoy life. Enjoy it. Go to parties, go out at night. And not worrying about someone that will bump into people, drop bowls, stumble, falling over others, hitting the head on the payphone. Is this what you want?

  - It's you I want, Ems –I felt him approaching. The hot breath it was on top of me, up close and his hands took my face, ready to kiss me. - I go through everything with you without problems. I have much to teach you, and you also have much to teach me. This afternoon, for example, I showed you how good it felt the adrenaline running through the veins, the thrill of proving something new. Didn’t you like to ride on my motorcycle?

  - Yes, I did - I said, only.

  - And I also learned. You taught me how to understand more what happens around me. I was splendid to perceive nature, the beach. The sounds, smells, tastes. I never imagined going through such a fascinating experience.

  - Still, Mat. It’s not going to happen. It's not prejudice, we just don’t match. I know it was good, I also liked very much and would be very happy to be your friend, but I know there’s no use trying to have a friendship when there is another intention behind. And I will not go back on my decision - I felt that he would try to kiss me, I noticed the heat coming from his face very close to mine and I wanted to give back to that kiss. Oh my God how I wanted.

  - Do you know what I want to do now? - He asked me, with a sensual voice. The kind that seemed to be trying to seduce me. Not only trying, but succeeding. I can’t explain how this was possible. I met him a few days ago and felt my body shudder just hearing his voice closer to me.

  - I know what you want to do - I answered, but with a velvet and different voice from what I was speaking with such conviction so recently - and I know you will not do, that will respect everything I just said - and each time I was speaking my voice was failing more, showing that I wanted it as much as him.

  - I don’t have that willpower that you seem to have - he answered me with his mouth two millimeters away from mine - and the worst is that I know that you want as much as I want, I just don’t understand why you insist in that nonsense to reject me.

  He was practically kissing me. Our breaths were interspersed. There was nothing in the way of our lips getting together and I surrendered to him once again. I couldn’t help it, it seems that the more I tried to be strong, he just had to come that way, with that voice, that heat, that I disarmed myself entirely.

  - I can’t – I woke up from my trance, jumping up the side and moving away from him, out of that hypnosis which his body made me a hostage – Forget it. You are very seductive, very good kisser, have a wonderful smell. You are the kind of man that every girl would like to have, but I 'm not the right girl for you. - I tried to get up to get in and finish the conversation. I would finished it right there. I would get in without looking behind. Well, that's in a figurative sense, I really couldn’t look behind. I even could, I would just not going to see anything.

  - Wait - he said, holding my hand as I tried to enter the house. - Give me a chance to show that we can work it out. I promise to respect all your rules, but give me a chance to show that I 'm cool, and I can be the guy you need.

  - But you're cool, Mat - I replied, leaning forward and looking for his face, to hold with my other hand that was free. - You're too cool, I really liked you and wanted very much to be friends, but I feel that we can’t be anything more than that.

  - All I ask is a chance to make you change your mind - he spoke with a voice that would be impossible to say no - I promise to behave myself and not go beyond the boundary of your rules. - He got up, put his hands on my waist and pulled me closer to him. I felt chills coursing throughout my body - I promise it’ll be as you want - he continued, and gradually my body was betraying me again, melting in his arms, closing my eyes slowly waiting for a surprise.

  It really was a big surprise because I felt the pressure of his lips on my skin. The heat of his mouth and his tight embrace around my body. But at the same time, that I should feel relieved, the opposite happened. I felt angry, disappointed, disappointed because the heat I felt was his lips kissing my forehead. He had behaved, was fulfilling the promise. I don’t know whether or not in a purposeful way, but he had just lit a fire in me, burning, waiting for a kiss and from that moment on began to burn like a fire with no prevision for ending. He behaved, and that surprised me. That surprised very much.

  ***

  It's been two days since my conversation with Mat on the doorstep. As it would be expected, that day my mother was waiting for me and if it is not a sin to judge the own mother I would bet that she was listening to our conversation behind the door.

  - What is that, darling? - She said, with the voice of who was horrified by my comment – how can you imagine that I would be behind the door listening to your conversation?

  - Oh mother, you will not deny that your curiosity kind of unintentionally brought you to the door when we arrived - I said with a mocking tone.

  - I am sad that you think that of me. But since you ask, I saw that you were talking. I was going to the kitchen to get a glass of water and noticed your presence, sit on the step. I just stayed in the room, waiting you to get in so I would lock the door properly.

  - Dad always check the doors before going to sleep, Mom.

  - Oh honey, don’t be so vanilla. What is the big deal about hearing a chat from behind the door? You even did this several times as a child, to know what your father and I would buy to you for Christmas.

  - This is invasion of privacy, mom - I said horrified with the confirmation that she really was listening behind the d
oor - and it does not compare with the fact of my curiosity to find out the Christmas present. Don’t give me that excuse.

  - I just know that you are throwing away the chance to live a good time with this gorgeous boy. I already told you, if it was in my time I had ever really kissed a lot that mouth.

  - MOTHER! - I screamed again. Amazing how she has the power to do so grotesque comments. She doesn’t look like my mother. I wonder if we are not in the wrong roles. Sometimes it seems that I am the mature in the house, and she is just a child who just wants to play, have fun and enjoy it.

  I waited until the next day for him to show up with some surprise, but he gave no sign of life. Somehow I expected for something, even not knowing what. As more time passed by, I became more anxious. He promised he was going to follow my rules, but also said he would not give up. However, I have not even had a chance to say what would be my rules. I wish I could have explained things. Could he have got upset by me somehow?

  The hours passed and I was hoping for something new. The day ended and he did not appear. I had to listen to my mother singing little annoying songs, invented by her, where the chorus spoke something like, "you lost, you lost, snubbed me, now who doesn’t want you it’s me, you lost, you lost."

  Somehow it seemed to be an indirect message to me. But I don’t think my mother would dare to do such a thing.

  The next day was not too different. Over 24 hours without any news of him. I thought about picking the container that my mother had sent with cake. The day he came here with the excuse to return it to me, he ended up giving me a ride downtown and took it back to his house. But on a second thought, I thought I should remain quiet. That's what I wanted. I was sure I would not get involved with someone younger, a brat, with a tattoo of the size of the world covering his entire arm.

  We have to bear the consequences of our choices. If we choose a path, we have to be strong enough to withstand the sharp stones that expect us along the way. I didn’t want a relationship, but I missed the laughter and his company. New sensations he gave me. I truly missed him. And as it happened on the previous day, this one also ended in the same way, with no sign of Mathew.

  The past two days were empty. He came out of nowhere and soon, very soon by the way, has managed to make me miss his company a lot.

  This was the third day without news of him, and after class I went to the school gate to go home with my mother. Rita took me once again and for a moment I thought about going walking all by myself, as I had done many times when I had the courage. I knew the streets well, had walked by them countless times. Once I suffered a minor accident because from one day to another they installed public telephones that are directly on the wall, and as I didn’t know about their existence and also there was no type of identification around, I bumped into the pay phone, falling down and getting 5 stitches in the eyebrow, besides the tremendous pain in the nose and the purple mark that stayed on my face for a long time. Being blind is getting involved in new emotions every day.

  To my surprise, that day my mother didn’t come to pick me up.

  - Did you miss me? - Asked a voice that made me freeze.

  - Why would I? Did you spend a year in Japan or something? – I answered his question with another, perhaps like this I could hide the joy that came over me at that moment in realizing that he was there, close to me again.

  - I want to know if you want a ride - he said with that voice so seductive.

  - I don’t know. Do you promise you will not try to seduce me?

  - I'm the seduction in person - he responded with a hotter air than I could imagine - but I promise I'll try to be the less sexy as possible.

  I was dying of laughing inside. Not only by the answers, but by his presence. I was happy. I was going against what I thought was right. I was about to get involved with a guy younger than me. And it was absurd to me. But there was a hope left for me, a very simple one. When you become friends with a person, it is very likely that your brain delete the physical attraction that you can feel for him. It's like he register that person as someone ordinary and you don’t end up falling in love for her. I expected this to happen, that I ended up becoming friends with him and the interest would go away.

  - I accept your ride - I said, when I felt that he came to me and took my hand, leading me to his motorcycle. –I really didn’t have the courage to go home walking.

  - Who said I 'm going to take you home? - He replied, implying that he was about to surprise me again after I was already sitting on the motorcycle.

  - And where are we going? – I asked curiously.

  - Let’s get to know each other better - he said accelerating the motorcycle, causing me to cling tightly, as always, his waist.

  CHAPTER 6

  After a while he stopped the motorcycle and helped me to get down.

  - Where are we? – I asked wondering which direction we took. I realized this was no desert place, like the beach we had gone days ago. There was noise of cars passing by, people talking. We were on a busy street, and by the peculiar aroma, we seemed to be close to some restaurants because the smells of various foods were invading my nose too abruptly.

  - Let's have lunch and talk - he said, holding my hand and pushing the door of some establishment.

  I always had trouble going out to for lunch, or dinner, or anything similar. It was very strange to get to a restaurant and not have a menu in Braille. None of the restaurants in the city was prepared to receive people with my disability. Because we are a very low number of visually impaired people in the region, they simply didn’t give attention, and therefore, we were always depending on who accompanied us to read the entire menu until we decided to eat, or just pick anything. As for me, I have always been very independent as my choices, encouraged by my mother. This thing of depending on others was very strange, especially when it came to choices, even if it was a meal.

  - I think you just lost a point - I said when we entered. Someone greeted us with a calm and polite voice.

  - Good afternoon. Would you like a table? - Asked one man.

  - Yes, we have a reservation. It’s on Mr. Peterson’s name. Mathew Peterson.

  - Ah, yes. Sure. You can follow me.

  We were directed to a table that should be right next to a window. I could feel a light breeze touching my skin and a pleasant air of sophistication.

  - Why did you say that I missed a point? - He asked me, shortly after pulling a chair and helps me sitting up. Not like those help a blind, but as a gentleman who helps a lady.

  - I hate restaurant. I always get stressed. Here none of them have accessibility for people like me. It is very annoying to have to depend on someone to get reading the menu. Or then I have to always choose the same dish, to avoid the embarrassment of having everyone expecting me to know everything they have and choose what I want. So, my dear, you made a bad choice bringing me to have lunch. See? As I said before, you are starting to know the problems in wanting to date a blind girl.

  - I see no problem in reading the entire menu for you - he replied. But I didn’t feel that he had been concerned about what I said about losing points.

  - All right then, if you don’t have a trouble with that, I want you to read the whole menu, slowly. Until I decide to opt for something. And be patient, I'll actually take some time to choose.

  That was my tactic then. I was very happy to be with him. Happy by the fact of him taking me out, and to see that he had not given up on our friendship. Although I knew that what he wanted was beyond friendship.

  - I talked to your mother this morning - he said, as the waiter handed the menu in his hands. - I told her I would take you for a walk after school.

  - Really? - I asked. I should have imagined that the fact that she had not gone to school had something to do with it. After all, the school was on the way for our house. The fact that she was going to get me was more like a ride than to really pick me up. - She said it was a great idea and that you were missing me.

  I
thought I could strangle my mother. That woman had the gift of speaking what she shouldn’t to people who shouldn’t listen, in moments she shouldn’t. She was that inconvenient.

  - I hardly missed you. My mother is very exaggerated.

  - So I see that you are just like your mother. We can tell you are almost the kind that makes storm in a teacup. No, no. Better. You make flood in capful of syrup. - He laughed.

  - You're so humorous, I get to think about how good you would be like a humorist.

  - Maybe, but my audience would be perfect if it was just me and you. –He’ll already begin to be romantic and want to melt me. - And I think we have a problem here, Ems. I can’t read the menu to you.

  - What do you mean by “you can’t read”? - I didn’t understand what he meant by that. He had just said it would be no problem and I was sure about making him read the menu back and forth, so I could give a good laugh. I felt him grab my hands, holding them with tender.

  - I think it’s best that you decide what you will want. - And he put something in my hands. A menu. But not an ordinary one, because I was able to identify what was written on it. He had given me a menu in Braille.

  I was a bit bewildered by what had just happened. These restaurants in the area had never thought of pleasing the public with visual impairment and how now one of them already had a menu in Braille? Does Mat had done a search and looked for some of them that possessed this kind of service?

  - And then - he continued – Won’t you choose what to eat?

  - I didn’t know they had Braille menu here - I said, not denying some joy and excitement in my voice. For a person who can see, it may seems silly, but for us , that goes through a thousand difficulties in everyday life, any news, any progress, it is already a lot. It's a big win.