Falling Stars (The B–Side)

by J. L. Brooks

  His face beamed with enthusiasm. “So that means you’re going?”

  “I was pretty sure it was settled earlier tonight.”

  “Yeah, but you had time to think about it and change your mind.”

  Breathing out deeply, I had thought about it, repeatedly. It was crazy, and impulsive, which was exactly what I needed. I didn’t know Grant from the man at the grocery store, but I felt I could trust him for some reason. It was a recipe for adventure or disaster. Either way I would be a fool to pass it up. Perfect men didn’t just appear out of thin air. Knowing that my trials were far from over, I pulled the plug from reality and allowed myself to submerge deep in the fantasy.

  Grant forfeited his daily ride with the guys to travel with me into town to buy a few things I would need and the promised books. While picking them up, he opened one and happened to find one of my trademark scenes.

  “Holy shit, Lila, this is hot.”

  I wagged my brows and snagged the book from his grip to hand to the cashier. “You can buy a copy if you want. I might sign it if you’re lucky.”

  He didn’t know I had grabbed a few extra just for him in the event he wanted them and that I was ecstatic he liked what he’d read so far.

  Since I had rented the car one way, we were able to schedule a drop off, and he would carry the brand new mountain bike I purchased. I was unaware so many details were so important when getting fitted for a bike. My height and leg length were taken into account. I felt like I would stick out like a sore thumb with everything being brand new. After arriving back at the cabin, I took the helmet and rubbed it in mud and bashed it against a few rocks for character. He laughed hysterically as I did the same thing with the bike, minus the sabotage, as Grant assured me I could resell the bike later at a decent price.

  Taking me for my first ride, we headed up the trails and found the guys’ bikes parked at the swimming hole. Shouting down, we decided to come back later. I was excited about my new gear, so we continued up a few miles before going off terrain and testing my memory abilities. The gravel was more slippery than anticipated, and hesitating backfired against me. Hitting the brakes too quickly caused the wheel to lock up and spin off the smooth surface. I hit the ground hip and knee first, skidding a few inches and howling loudly.

  “Fuuuuucccccckkkkkkkkkk,” I shrilled

  In a laugh-cry mix, I pouted like a child while trying to get myself upright with Grant’s help. I could see the deep scratches along my thigh and knew it was going to hurt a whole lot worse later.

  “You’re going to bruise; we need to get that cleaned up and put some ice on it.”

  Grinning at his concern, I tried to brush it off as if it wasn’t searing with pain. Knowing that walking could take hours, I hopped back on the bike and started to pedal. Falling had actually helped me. I was not nearly as afraid of getting hurt. I moved faster and a bit more daringly across the trail. Grant followed behind with words of encouragement and remarks on how nice my ass looked in the tight shorts. Stopping by the swimming hole again, I tilted my head and asked if he wanted to go in.

  “Will you be okay climbing down the rocks? I’m just worried about you still.”

  I looked down and saw the smears of blood crusted on my knee and calf. Lifting up the shredded band on my thigh, I winced as the fabric dragged over the wound. It wasn’t pretty, but it would heal.

  “Yeah, let’s go.”

  We rested the bikes near the entrance to the alcove and carefully maneuvered over the large rocks. Grant stood at the bottom and held my waist to lower me the rest of the way. Biting his lip, he lifted off my shirt before undressing himself. Once again I was riveted by how breathtaking he looked bare. We laughed at the tan lines caused by hours under the sun in tech clothing. My shoulders were a bright pink compared to the pale color of my breasts. I couldn’t remember the last time I had spent so much time in nature. Writing about it and then actually doing it were obviously very different. I knew that from this point on, my descriptions were going to become even more vivid than what I attempted to draw from photographs.

  I soaked in everything. The way the silver crests of the waves rippled across the river. How cool the water felt at different depths in the pools. The rumbling of the river as it echoed off of the majestic red cliffs. Small lizards glided across the rocks as buzzards circled overhead. Grant explained that there must be a carcass nearby for them to be moving the way they did. When my eyes grew wide, he quickly added that it was most likely a deer or rodent.

  Despite my blue lips and wrinkled fingers, I wasn’t ready to leave. Time was flying by faster than I wished. A week with Grant was going to change everything I knew about life, and I wanted to savor every moment. He did not try to kiss me nor make a move. I could see the thoughts were just below the surface, but he held back and enjoyed my company without feeling the need to touch me physically. His restraint caused me to crave him more.

  “What’s going on in that mind of yours, Lila?”

  I smirked, knowing he didn’t have to ask. “I’m just thinking about how funny life is. Almost two months ago I was in New York, feeling as though my life was falling apart, unable to write a single word. And now I am here and I can’t stop thinking of stories I want to tell. I’m still a mess, don’t get me wrong, but I actually see a light at the end of the tunnel.”

  Swimming over to me, Grant pulled me close and wrapped my legs around his hips as I sat on his knees. “Hopefully I have had a little to do with that,” he said between light kisses.

  I laced my arms around his neck and pulled myself closer. Resting my forehead against his, I closed my eyes and smiled. “In just two days you have made all the difference. You are showing me I can be happy again.”

  “You deserve to be happy, Lila.”

  As I curled my head into his neck, we floated in the water for several minutes before he started to walk towards the bank. In the middle of the pool, Grant stopped and pulled his head back to look into my eyes. “Two months ago I was in the hospital, unsure if I was going to live or die. You are showing me the light, too.”

  My heart plummeted at the disclosure. I wanted to ask more but knew it was only fair if I divulged more myself. He did not press me, so I chose to offer the same respect. Over the next week I had a feeling that we would be confessing more than we wanted to. Thinking about this marvelous human being not walking the earth brought forth a great sadness. His carpe diem attitude made a lot more sense. He wanted to live life to its fullest and have others do the same. Whatever happened to him must have been inconceivable to alter his outlook so drastically.

  We rode in silence the rest of the way back and stopped at the lodge to secure the bikes. Unsnapping the helmet, I laughed as my fingers brushed across the rough surface. “I don’t know why the hell I pretended when the real thing was bound to happen.”

  Grant’s concern suddenly shifted to my leg.

  “I am surprised you aren’t limping with the hit you took. Your leg looks like hamburger; we really need to get some ointment on there and bandage it up. Take a shower, and I will be back with the first aid kit.” Heading alone into the cabin, I cringed when taking off my shorts. From the top of my hip bone to my outer knee was a tapestry of black, blue and red, sprinkled with deep lacerations. The warm water stung once it collided with the wound. The cool water had numbed it and removed the dried blood, but I risked infection if it was not properly disinfected.

  Lathering the river water out of my hair, I took extra care to tidy up and clean every inch of my skin thoroughly. When I exited the bathroom, Grant was already sitting at the table with a plethora of supplies laid out. Only wrapped in a towel, I walked over and moved a panel to expose my hip. He grimaced while lightly grazing the outer edges.

  “Fuck was right. It looks so much worse than it did earlier. Go lay down—this is going to take a while.”

  I grabbed a few rolls of gauze and tools he had set out, carrying them to the bedroom. “You can go shower, too. I will lay down
for a bit. It will be fine for a few minutes.”

  He set down the canvas bag full of supplies and leaned over me. “Are you sure? Don’t go anywhere. I will be right back, okay?”

  I nodded and looked down at my body, laughing. “Don’t see that being a problem.”

  He was literally only gone for five minutes before he rushed back in to play doctor. With the most sensitive touch, he cleaned out the wound and bandaged me up with expertise.

  “You must get hurt a lot, because you’re really good at this.”

  Puffing his chest with pride, he tossed the medical tape and scissors back in the bag. “Well, I am the resident boo boo guru. Since I can’t kiss them and make it better, I have to make sure my skills are superior.”

  “You can kiss my boo boos if you want.”

  Crawling up to rest his head on the pillow, he pulled me close and snuggled against the back of my neck.

  “I will kiss more than your boo boos, but first I need a nap. Keeping up with you is exhausting.”

  I reached around to slap him playfully.

  “Shhhh . . . I like it. No need for violence,” he growled.

  Settling into the curve of his chest, I closed my eyes and drifted away. Unfortunately for as easy as it was to banish Hunter from my waking thoughts, there were still places he refused to leave.

  “You son of a bitch! How could you do this to me? I hate you!”

  Restrained by Grant’s arms, I thrashed wildly out of the dream. Even though I was screaming like a banshee, he refused to let go until I was fully conscious. Struggling to rouse, I continued to fight my way out of the human cage while panting heavily.

  “Grant, I’m awake, let me go,” I growled.

  Hearing me say his name, his grip loosened and I was able to wiggle free. Angrily, I stomped to the bathroom and slammed the door. I could hear his cell ringing repeatedly and vibrating on the nightstand, which he finally answered with a curt greeting. Through the wooden barrier I was able to discern it was the guys checking on him.

  “Yeah, she’s fine. Another nightmare. I don’t know. Yeah. Yeah. No. Let me give her a bit; we will be down later.”

  Embarrassed, I sat alone on the edge of the bathtub to collect my thoughts. What was supposed to be a just a nap turned into a full ten hours of sleep with me only waking to use the bathroom and eat a quick snack. Looking down at my leg, I realized the wound had seeped during the night and needed to be changed. Lifting off the medical tape, I hissed as the adhesive peeled away and revealed the nasty road rash and deep bruises. I knew it would only heal letting some air get to it, but I needed something for the pain. With the first aid kit in the other room, I was forced to hobble out to retrieve it. Grant immediately stood, yet did not approach me. Knowing I was still tense, he gave me space. His eyes traveled over my body, which was clothed in only the t-shirt and panties I had worn to sleep. Instead of focusing on the lack of clothing, he zeroed in on my thigh and cringed.

  I knew it was bad, and it fucking hurt. The emergency kit had small packets of aspirin, but I wanted something much stronger. I doubted anyone would knock me for drinking so early in the morning, considering the circumstances. Shaking away the dream, it was hard to look Grant in the eyes when they were regarding me with so much pity. More for his sake than mine, I bridged the gap between us and wrapped my arms around his waist. I could feel the relief wash over him as he held me tight against his chest. Nothing was said of the nightmare; it was over.

  “You hungry? The guys are down at the lodge. We need to pack up and get headed on to South Fork before it gets dark.”

  I nodded my head and nuzzled his collarbone affectionately. “I’m sorry.”

  “Shhhhh . . .” he hushed. “Whatever it is, it can’t hurt you. At least while you are with me. Got it?”

  “Got it.” I knew he meant it.

  After I packed up what little I brought with me, Grant took the bags to his SUV to load everything up as I began a slow trek down to the lodge.

  “Get up here,” he said while bending down in front of me and patting his shoulders. I hopped on and yelled, “Yeehaw,” as he softly wrapped his fingers around the back of my legs.

  After entering the restaurant, the guys hollered and cheered at our arrival. Instantly all eyes landed on my leg and then held expressions of horror and awe.

  “That is so gross and so bad ass at the same time. Welcome to the club!” said Mark between bites of bacon and scrambled eggs.

  “Um, thanks?”

  Sitting down, I was handed a menu and asked what I wanted to drink. Without pause I ordered a double shot of bourbon and a coffee with cream. The guys smiled as I shrugged and decided what to eat. Grant rubbed my back affectionately as we told them about the ride. I felt as though they wanted to ask questions about the screams, but Grant’s eyes warned them not to, so they didn’t press. A giant map was laid out on the table as the guys plotted the eight hundred mile plus trip to the Black Rock Desert and spoke excitedly of the festival. We would be traveling through Salt Lake City and across I-80 into Nevada. Stopping at South Fork State Recreation area, we would be camping by the lake and leaving again at dawn the next day.

  I couldn’t help but feel enthusiastic about the days ahead. Unable to remember the last time I was so spontaneous outside of Hunter, a part of me feared I would be unable to go back to my hermetic life with deadlines and coffee rot. For the first time in months I had an appetite and could breathe. The glimpse was so precious, it would always leave me wanting more. Looking at Grant, it was hard to fathom saying goodbye. Less than three days in my life, and I had never felt so at ease. Even among his friends, my accompaniment on the journey was never second-guessed. Life was good.

  Grant brought his SUV down to the lodge so I wouldn’t have to walk back and noted to the guys to rendezvous with us at an old resort on the beach called Saltair. Grant explained that originally there were three resorts long ago, all sharing the same name. As we wandered the property together, he gave a brief history of the music hall.

  “The salt might sting your leg. It’s up to you if you go in the water or not. I hope you don’t mind we stopped.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Seriously? This is your trip. I am just along for the ride.”

  He smiled and kept walking with the camping chairs and cooler full of beer and sandwiches we grabbed along the way. The guys met up with us shortly after we had settled and were in the middle of playing a game of badminton. Grant had a football, soccer ball, horseshoe set and more stashed away in the back of his ride.

  “How does a kindergarten teacher drive a brand new Range Rover?” I asked. My question was honest, but I could tell instantly it opened a conversation he wasn’t ready to have.

  “It was a gift,” he said dryly.

  Whistling low, I ran my finger along the side before pecking him on the lips. “You must have been a really good boy for Santa to leave that in your driveway.”

  He pursed his lips and flashed a devious grin. “I’m not always a good boy. Sometimes I like to do really naughty things. I am just so good at them, it doesn’t count against me.”

  I had to laugh. “That is the best response I think I have ever heard.”

  I left it alone after that and went back to letting him disclose what he chose to. I had my secrets; he obviously had his.

  Spending a few hours on the beach felt good, but we had to get moving. Setting my laptop across a pillow, I worked furiously while Grant drove through the mountains. I had been working so hard that I knew I would be finished before we got there. It was bittersweet writing the end, but it had to happen. Closing the lid, I bawled for an hour as we neared South Fork. Grant did not mock or console me, understanding how difficult it must be to finish a story.

  “Are you happy it’s over?” he asked solemnly.

  I nodded and kissed the plastic case. “Yeah, actually I am. I didn’t think I could write that story. I fought it with everything I had in me. And now that it’s ended, I can actually breathe
. I know it needs edits and a few rewrites, but it’s done.”

  Smiling, he reached his hand over and stroked the side of my face.

  “So what happens next?”

  I looked out onto the highway, and the sky seemed to open up to forever. As the trees passed by and the sun caressed my skin, I no longer cared about anything that once brought me so much pain and stress.

  “I honestly don’t know. I have an agent in Vegas to send the manuscript to. I used to work with him in New York. He reps musicians now, but I know he will help me broker it to a publishing house. He has the connections, and he loves me. I plan on sending it to him when we get to the festival and have better Internet access.”

  Grant shifted in his seat with a confused look on his face. “So you don’t know if someone will pick it up? And then what?”

  I looked out the window again and hoped that I wouldn’t have to walk down that road. It wouldn’t be terrible—just a near fatal blow to the ego. “I go back to Cleveland and teach.”

  He could sense the defeat in my voice. I hated sounding like teaching was a last resort when he so clearly loved the profession. There was nothing wrong with it. It just wasn’t what I loved. My writing was a gift. I knew that. To not use it felt like telling the sun not to shine or the heart not to keep beating. It was a natural part of my universe, which made the writer’s block so devastating. In hindsight, I was thankful for the push that forced me to draw from the deepest parts of my soul.

  “You’re thinking too hard. Stop it. I can’t have you frazzled any longer.”

  Grant was humorously trying to keep me from checking out. I must have been staring out the window for too long. Arriving at the campground, Grant unloaded a small tent and the sleeping bags. Pulling the tags off of mine, I then fluffed it out and rolled it onto the tarp. Thankfully there was a shower house and toilet facility, but if I needed to go at night, it required taking a flashlight and staying close to the tent. The other guys set up the other spaces and started a small bonfire. Alex and TJ had the cooler with hotdogs and bratwursts as well as more beer.