Captain Awesome vs. the Evil Babysitter

by Stan Kirby

  Table of Contents

  1. The Weekend of Greatness

  2. A Change of Plans

  3. The Sitter of Doom

  4. Can You Hear Me Now? How About Now?

  5. The Most Evil Lunch Ever

  6. Beware the Stinky Sock!

  7. Popcorned!

  8. The Joy of Brownies

  9. Say Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!

  ‘Captain Awesome Gets a Hole-in-One’ Excerpt

  TICK, TOCK, TICK, TOCK.

  Eugene stared at the clock on the wall as his second-grade teacher, Ms. Beasley, said lots of words he wasn’t listening to. He had more important things to think about.

  Like: Was the bell ever going ring?

  And: What was taking the weekend so long to get here?

  I have big plans, Eugene thought. Big weekend plans!

  THE WEEKEND!

  Eugene squirmed in his chair. He could hardly wait for it. Friday. Saturday. Sunday. Are there any three days that go together better? They’re like cake, icing, and sprinkles! They’re like popping a balloon and finding it’s full of ice cream! They’re like, well, you get the idea.

  Eugene scribbled in his notebook the top three things he loved most about weekends:

  1) No homework!

  2) No homework!

  3) No homework!

  “Those don’t look like math problems, Dork-gene.”

  CAUGHT!

  It was My. Me. Mine. Meredith!

  Meredith Mooney was the pinkest girl in school. With her pink dress, pink shoes, pink socks, and pink ribbons in her hair, she was so pink that cotton candy was jealous.

  “It’s nothing, Meredith.” Eugene quickly slid his list under his math book. “Just my big plans for the weekend.”

  “Ha. Big plans.” She laughed. “Big loser plans is more like it.”

  She turned away, still laughing.

  Eugene didn’t care. Nothing was going to ruin his weekend.

  This is going to be the best weekend ever in the history of Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, thought Eugene.

  It was just like that story in Super Dude No. 43, Super Dude’s Fun Time, when Super Dude realized that every villain in the world was in jail and he could do whatever he wanted.

  That was a good issue and—

  WHAT?

  You mean you don’t know the world’s greatest superhero? The one whose legendary adventures are chronicled in a series of every-word-is-true comic books?

  SHAME!

  Super Dude is the superhero who once kicked the snot out of Boogerman. He’s the one who wiped the floor with Moppy Mopp’s Dust Devils of Destruction.

  He was also Eugene’s favorite superhero of all time. Eugene was so inspired by the adventures of Super Dude that he created an alter ego of his own and became Sunnyview’s first superhero . . . CAPTAIN AWESOME!

  MI-TEE!

  But evil never rests, and that’s more than one superhero boy can handle by himself. That’s why Eugene was joined by his best friends, Charlie Thomas Jones and Sally Williams. Together, with their class pet hamster, Turbo, they were the Sunnyview Superhero Squad.

  Charlie became Nacho Cheese Man—the only hero with the power of canned cheese!

  CHEESY YO!

  And Sally? She was Supersonic Sal—faster than the speed of light!

  SPEEDY GO!

  These four heroes put badness in its place! And that place was: far away from all goodness.

  The clock ticked closer to the end of the day. Eugene stared at it: “Three, two, one . . .”

  RING!

  “Yes! Let’s go!” Eugene yelled as the students burst from the school.

  “We’re on for tomorrow, right?” Charlie asked.

  “I’ll call you both in the morning,” Eugene promised. “We’ve got big plans!”

  “Bike riding!” Sally said.

  “Hide-and-seek!” Charlie cried.

  “Evil-fighting!” Eugene yelled.

  It was going to be a great weekend.

  “Yes!” Saturday morning was here, and Eugene shot out of bed like a clown from a circus cannon. “Saturday! Saturday! Saturday!” he sang as he danced down the stairs. “Hello, weekend! So very glad to see you!”

  It was time for a breakfast of Super Dude’s Flakes & Fiber cereal, and then a meeting with Sally and Charlie to get this weekend started.

  Sometimes, though, no matter how much you plan for something, evil hits you right in the guts—so hard that you see double.

  Eugene saw double by the front door.

  Two suitcases.

  “Hey, Mom!” he called to the kitchen. “Did you and Dad pack early for next weekend’s trip?”

  “The trip is this weekend, honey,” Mrs. McGillicudy replied. “Your father and I leave for the Cherry Computers conference in just a few minutes.”

  GASP!

  No! This can’t be true, Eugene thought.

  “We talked about this all week,” Eugene’s mom reminded him.

  Oh sure, Eugene thought. I’ll bet they tried to tell me while I was reading Super Dude comics or watching TV or trying to figure out when evil Commander Barfing Barfington was going to hurl over the city again.

  “But I thought Aunt Beatrice was coming next weekend? You know, like, next Saturday.”

  “Oh, that’s the other thing. Aunt Beatrice injured herself opening a can of Spam. Her replacement should be here any minute.”

  “Replacement? Who could replace Aunt Beatrice?” Eugene asked.

  DING-DONG!

  The doorbell rang. “That should be the babysitter now,” his mom said.

  Babysitter?!

  SHOCK!

  HORROR!

  “She’ll take very good care of you and Molly while your father and I are gone.”

  “A babysitter?” Eugene protested. “Really, Mom? I’m in second grade. I can take care of myself!”

  A surprise babysitter was like having a substitute teacher who didn’t know that they should never give a pop quiz.

  Mrs. McGillicudy reached out for the doorknob. Eugene shifted his feet nervously. The mystery sitter was waiting behind that door.

  And he or she is about to ruin my weekend! thought Eugene.

  The door creaked open. . . .

  “Good morning, Mr. and Mrs. McGillicudy!”

  “Hello!” Eugene’s mother said. “Eugene, this is Melissa.”

  Melissa was tall with long blond hair the color of the Sun-burner, the Fourth Earl of Sunbeam, the supervillain who stole the moon in Super Dude No. 82. She wore that hair in a ponytail that bounced when she moved her head. To Eugene, she might as well have been wearing a steel mask, carrying a samurai sword, and petting a shark with laser eyes.

  “Hi, Melissa,” Eugene said with a grumble.

  Eugene’s dad came in carrying Molly. “She’s all changed and good for at least a couple of hours. Maybe.”

  Melissa took Eugene’s little sister. Eugene’s mom and dad both kissed Molly good-bye and each gave Eugene a big hug.

  “Be nice and help out Melissa, okay? We’ll see you Sunday night.”

  Eugene’s dad picked up the suitcases and headed to the car. “Right on schedule,” he said.

  Mrs. McGillicudy paused by the front door. “Don’t hesitate to call if you need anything,” she said to Melissa. “If you want pizza, call Buchsbaum’s. They deliver. And if the power goes out, call the electric company. And if any zombies show up, well, I don’t know who to call about that. And—”

  “Mrs. McGillicudy, I think I’ve got it,” Melissa said. “Have a great time at the conference.”

  Eugene looked out the open door. The sky was blue. There was a gentle breeze. The grass w
as wet from the morning dew.

  At least I can still hang out with my friends, thought Eugene.

  “I think we’re going to have a lot of fun, Eugene,” Melissa said. “I have only one rule.”

  Only one rule? Eugene liked the sound of that. Will it be “Ice cream all day?” he wondered. Or “TV all day?” Or “You can play with your friends all day?”

  “My only rule is that you must stay in the house or play in the yard all day. No going to anyone else’s house either.”

  WHAT?!

  “You can get started on your homework or clear the breakfast dishes.” Melissa’s voice sounded like the scratch of monster nails on Dr. Frankenstein’s chalkboard. “Your call. I think I need to change your baby sister because something around here really smells, and I don’t think it’s you or me. Be right back.”

  SIGH.

  I’ve got to figure out a way to contact Charlie and Sally, he thought. They’re counting on me.

  But how?

  Flashlight signals! Nope, it was light out. Carrier pigeon! Nope, Eugene didn’t have one. Carrier hamster!

  I could tie a note to Turbo and . . .

  Eugene raced up to his room to check on Turbo. But the hamster was fast asleep in his wheel. Was he snoring?

  Must think of something else!

  THINK! That’s it. Thinking!

  He could use Captain Awesome’s amazing mental powers of telepathy to send a message to his friends.

  Eugene stood as still as a piece of toast that had landed jelly-side down on the floor. He clenched his hands and closed his eyes.

  “By the awesome power of Captain Awesome’s mighty brain energy, I call the magnificent mind beams to the front of my head.”

  BEAM!

  BEAM-BEAM

  Eugene was supersure he felt a tingle on his forehead.

  Sally, Charlie, this is Eugene, Eugene thought-beamed. Babysitter. Trapped. Weekend in jeopardy. If you can hear me . . .

  He opened one eye.

  Nothing.

  Then the other eye. Still nothing. He might as well be invisible.

  Wait! Invisible! That was it!

  “I’ll use Captain Awesome’s ‘Can’t-See-Me’ Powers of Invisibility.” He grabbed his superhero cape.

  “Oh, Awesome Cape, hear my wish, make me as invisible as . . . an invisible fish!”

  BAM!

  DONE!

  Invisible Eugene walked downstairs to the front door. No need to hide because no one, not even a babysitter, could see him. If he hurried, he could make it to Charlie’s house and back without being missed . . . or seen!

  He turned the knob on the front door.

  SQUEAK.

  Melissa came in carrying Molly. “Where are you going?”

  “But— But— But,” Eugene stuttered like a motorboat engine. “I need . . . I mean . . . I’m supposed to see Charlie and Sally for . . . a secret meeting. No! I mean, to do . . . homework together,” he said.

  “No can do. You know my rule: stay in the yard,” Melissa said, wagging a finger at him. “Now do me a favor and watch Molly. I promised your mom I’d do some chores around the house,” she added.

  Melissa disappeared into the laundry room, leaving Eugene alone with Molly. But this was no ordinary diaper-human—oh, no. Molly was really one of Captain Awesome’s truly evil enemies, the dreaded Queen Stinkypants from Planet Baby.

  And she was at it again! In her grabby little hand she held Eugene’s rare Super Dude action figure with Dude-Jitsu action awesomeness. She put the head in her mouth, ready to bite it.

  If ever there was a time for Captain Awesome, this was it!

  “Queen Stinkypants!” yelled Captain Awesome. “Leave the precious brains of Super Dude inside his own head!”

  Captain Awesome took one step forward, tripped on Queen Stinkypants’s rubber ball of evil, and fell to the ground.

  WHAM!

  The rubber ball shot across the room. As it zoomed past Queen Stinkypants, she dropped Super Dude and chased after it.

  The rulers of Planet Baby are easily distracted by new things. Mission accomplished! Eugene thought as he picked up the Super Dude action figure. He also got a handful of evil drool.

  GROSS!

  “Lunch is ready!” Melissa set a plate on the kitchen table for Eugene. He looked down and saw the sweet deliciousness of peanut butter and jelly, pressed together between two pieces of bread.

  “Excuse me, Melissa,” Eugene said. “What’s this other stuff on my plate?”

  “Those are carrots and celery sticks,” she said.

  GROSS!

  “My mom usually gives me a chocolate chip cookie at lunch,” Eugene said.

  Melissa joined him at the table with her own sandwich. “You can have one cookie for dessert. When you finish everything on your plate.”

  For a babysitter with only one rule, she sure has a lot of others, Eugene thought.

  “You know, my little sister is in your class,” Melissa said.

  “Mooth yoor ittle ister?” Eugene asked, his mouth packed full with peanut butter.

  “My sister is Meredith.”

  Hmmmmmm, thought Eugene. Maybe there’s a new Meredith in class because the only Meredith I know is . . .

  NO! WHAT? NO!

  Eugene’s brain couldn’t process this. If there were a door in his head, his brain would have opened it, hopped to the Sunnyview Pier, and thrown itself onto the first boat to Tanzania.

  “Your sister is . . . Meredith Mooney?” Eugene asked. “My . . . Me . . . Mine . . . MERE-dith?!” Eugene could barely speak. Words were jammed in his throat. “Could I eat on the porch? I need some air.”

  “Okay,” Melissa said. “But just remember my rule: Don’t leave the yard.”

  Outside, Eugene sat on the steps, his mind racing. I can’t go anywhere, he thought. I’m trapped. How do prisoners ever get in touch with their friends?

  HOW?

  Eugene looked up and saw Sally. She was down the street, getting her bike out of the garage. Perfect. Now he just had to get her attention.

  Eugene started to step off the porch but stopped, mid-step. What if Melissa put up a force field to keep him in the yard? That’s just what she’d do, he thought.

  But then he thought again: No force field could ever stop Captain Awesome!

  MI-TEE!

  Captain Awesome leaped from the porch at full power. He put his hands out in front and his head down, and burst from the yard to the fresh air of freedom and sidewalks!

  “Sally Williams!” called out Captain Awesome. “You’re never going to believe who has a sister!”

  After Eugene told her the evil details, Sally was shocked.

  “Captain Awesome being held prisoner?” she said. “The Sunnyview Superhero Squad will have something to say about this.”

  Captain Awesome smiled. “It’s good to have friends!”

  “I’ll get Charlie, and we’ll come back to rescue you.” Sally turned her bicycle around, about to head back to her house. Then she stopped. “What will you do?”

  “I have to sneak back into the house so the evil babysitter doesn’t suspect anything.” Eugene crept inside. He had to be careful. If Melissa had seen him talking to Sally, then all hope was lost. She’d throw him into some playpen prison until he was old enough to drive a car . . . which was in, like, ten thousand years.

  Melissa sat on the couch, watching TV. Step-by-step Eugene tiptoed past the living room. If he could just get to the stairs, all would be well. He moved slower than the Slimy Slugs of Icktopia.

  Almost there . . . Almost there . . . Almost . . .

  “Who was that you were talking to?”

  AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGH!

  Eugene was so close it actually hurt when he heard Melissa’s voice. Maybe if he didn’t move . . . didn’t breathe . . . didn’t blink . . . Melissa would think he didn’t hear her and he could—

  “Don’t pretend you didn’t hear me,” she said without even turning around to look.


  DOUBLE AAAAAARRRRGH!

  She knew his every trick!

  How could I have been so careless?! Eugene thought. Of course, she has Babysitter Radar! She can sense any sneaking kid within one hundred feet!

  “It was just my very ordinary and non-superhero friend Sally,” Eugene answered. “We were talking about very boring things that have nothing to do with breaking out of evil prisons.”

  “Well, no play dates on my watch,” Melissa said. “Which reminds me, you’re supposed to clean your room.”

  “But Mom and Dad only make me clean my room on Sundays!” Eugene protested. “And today’s not Sunday!”

  Eugene stared at the back of TV-watching statue with blond hair, pretending to not hear Eugene.

  She’s using my own “I didn’t hear you” trick against me! Eugene thought. That is so unfair!

  Eugene sat on the floor of his room. At least he thought his floor was there somewhere, because he couldn’t see an inch of it under all the clothes, toys, and Super Dude comics that covered the carpet.

  Eugene picked up a sock and stared at it as if it had three eyes.

  PUNK!

  Eugene froze.

  PUNK

  There it was again! Someone was “plinking” him. But who? Or what?

  PLINK!

  PLINK!

  It was coming from the window! Eugene leaped up and looked out. Peeking out of the bushes in his backyard were Sally and Charlie, fully dressed in their superhero gear as Supersonic Sal and Nacho Cheese Man!

  Eugene immediately lifted a finger to his lips to shush them. If Melissa heard them, she’d make him clean up his room and his little sister’s. And that would make an already barfy day even more barftastic.