Angel of Mine

by Jessica Louise

  Her face looks crestfallen, and she bursts into tears. “It-it-it-it’s not working. What’s wrong with ya-ya-you? Where a-a-are you hurting?” She stutters in between sniffles. “I don’t know what area to concentrate on.”

  There is a mammoth lump in my throat and the need to comfort her is eating away at me. “Awe, come here, sweet girl, don’t cry,” I beckon her to me, and she runs into my arms. “Be good and keep those hands to yourself though okay?” She nods into my shoulder and I hold her shaking frame tighter to me.

  My mouth is next to her ear, and I whisper exactly how much she means to me. “I’ve missed you so much, more then you could ever imagine.” I tenderly kiss the side of her face then lift the bottom of my shirt to wipe her tears away. They seem mixed in with some type of black war paint she has on her face.

  Her glowing hands curl up in her lap. I lift them carefully and place them in the pockets of her black hoodie. She’s gone all out in some type of spy outfit, and it puts a smile on my face at the most inopportune of moments. “You’re like a regular Bond girl, how did you get in here?”

  She glances at the open window and back to me. “Umm,” she stalls and bites her lip.

  “The window? You performed a break and enter, and dressed up in a costume for me? You’re so damn sexy.” This earns me a smile, and I feel the weight of the past few days temporarily lift off me.

  Being able to feel as if I can breathe again makes me want to keep her near me, but before I ask, a thought occurs to me. “Will your mum be worried if she finds out you’re missing?” She cringes and a look I can’t comprehend comes over her features.

  “What is it Ally?”

  She looks down to where her hands are still glowing through her pockets. “We had a fight, I told her I was coming to stay with you and ran off. If you don’t want me though...” That line of thought is unthinkable, and I press my finger up to her mouth to stop it.

  “Ally, I will always want you, as long as I live, and I’m sure even after that. My soul will drift aimlessly in the atmosphere, forever looking for you.” Bright eyes stare back at me with pure love and devotion, and I will remember her like this for all of time. It is ingrained in my memory.

  “Stay with me,” I say, although it is not a question. I’m already rolling over to turn off the lamp and pulling her down to cradle in my arms. A dim light still glows from her hands, but it seems she wasn’t able to help me anyway, so I feel safe that she won’t try anything again. My guess is that she can’t help me because the cancer runs all through my blood and she can’t concentrate on a certain area.

  Before long her breathing evens out and she sleeps peacefully nestled into my side. There’s a soft knock at my door, and it creaks open. Soft light from the hallway shines through and Mum sticks her head in. Her eyebrows raise high as she explains in hushed tones, “I heard a noise coming from your room, and wanted to check you were okay.”

  There’s no judgement or questions of why Ally is here; she just tip toes in and covers us up with the blanket at my feet, then leaves the room. We didn’t actually need the blanket. There is already a pleasant heat radiating between our bodies, however, the cover provides a cozy little cocoon for the both of us, and I snuggle closer beside her. My eyes roam over the beauty of her for what seems like hours.

  Just as I am finally about to drift off into a slumber myself, she quietly asks, “Are you awake?” She tilts her head to look at me.

  “I’m awake,” I reply.

  It’s quiet for a while again, and I think she’s gone back to sleep, then so faintly I almost don’t hear it, she asks the one question I’ve been trying to avoid. “What’s wrong Theo? Are you going to be okay? Please tell me.”

  This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I pull her closer to me for strength, but also because I can’t stand to see the reaction on her face as I tell her. It will break me.

  I choose my next words carefully. It seems too harsh just to blurt out that I’m dying. “I have leukaemia Ally. I’m not responding to treatment anymore.” I hear her sharp intake of a breath and her body goes rigid in my arms. Heart breaking as it is, I hope she understands what this means, and I won’t have to explain any further.

  She sits up and turns towards me, “There must be something? A different kind of treatment? What comes next? Why are you still here? You are wasting time being here and not in the hospital where they can fix you. There has to be a way.”

  If I say the words I might lose it, so I shake my head and try to pull her back into my arms. She resists and leans in close, getting right up in my face to get her message across, as though there is a misunderstanding and she needs to make herself clearer. “No Theo, I don’t accept that. There has to be a way.”

  “I’m sorry Ally. I’m sorry I can’t stay here with you.” There is too much distance between us, I clutch at her waist and try to pull her back to me to comfort her.

  Without warning, she swings around and repeatedly smacks her hand against the bedpost at the foot of the bed, mumbling curses under her breath. The sound jolts straight through me, and I wince. “Stupid. Why won’t you work, you stupid pieces of crap? Frigging useless, pointless bloody gift. What bloody good is it?”

  That’s it. Enough is enough. Without giving her a choice, I grab her and pull her tightly against me. Warm, wet tears seep through my shirt, and I lay down with her, wrapping her in my arms and waiting for the sobs to subside. Being helpless to be able to fix what is causing her grief saddens me more than the fact that I am going to die.

  My heart feels as though someone ripped it from my chest, and repeatedly smashed it against the wall, until it is shattered into a million pieces beyond recognition. I’m suddenly desperate to be as close as humanly possible to him, it’s as though I need someone to glue it back together. That familiar power within is relentlessly clawing its way out, trying to merge with Theo, to make us one so I can share his pain for these few moments in time, even if I can’t heal him. Making my way up to his ear, I nibble on the lobe. “I need you close, I can’t explain it, just please love me. Please.” I’m not below begging.

  I’m not afraid by my lack of experience, but I’m obviously shy as I push away from him and unzip my hoodie to show him how serious I am. His hand encloses over mine and stops my actions. “Ally.” He breathes it out like a protest, although it sounds half-hearted and his dilated pupils and the bulge I feel against my hip contradict his tone.

  Boldly, I lean down and brush my hand over him. He gives me the reaction I crave and groans loudly. In one swift movement, I find myself underneath him. “You are making it really hard for me to maintain control here.”

  “Then don’t,” I persuade him. “I want this.” All the fight is leaving him and his grip on my hand relaxes slightly, so I progress in inching the zipper of my hoodie down to the bottom and slide it off. I didn’t find a shirt to put on under my hoodie earlier, and I’m laying underneath him in just my black yoga pants and bra.

  The glow from my hands reflects in his eyes, making them look as though they are burning with passion as he gazes down at me. He traces one hand over my curves and I sigh in pleasure, he never fails to make me feel like the most beautiful woman alive.

  “So responsive,” he whispers. “How can I be honourable and say no to you when you are looking up at me like that? I’ll be gentle, okay? I’m only going to continue if you promise to tell me at any stage if it’s too much.”

  I trust him completely. “I promise.”

  He lowers his body closer to mine and gently bites and kisses up and down my neck, then murmurs in my ear, “I want to memorize every inch of your body. With my eyes. My hands. My tongue. I want to drown in you.” My body quakes and all I can do is whimper. His warm breath is giving me goose bumps all over.

  “I want to erase all the pain from your past and replace it with pleasure. Are you sure this is what you want Ally? Cause I’m done talking now.” I’m unable to form a coherent response; all I know is tha
t I need to feel closer to him. “Uh huh.” He holds my chin in his hands while looking down at me. His attentive green eyes pierce into mine. “Ally, I need to hear you say it.”

  “It’s what I want,” I claim, on a rush of air.

  He lowers himself down and hovers an inch above my face, “I love you,” he says with certainty, before kissing me passionately. We pause occasionally as he rids us of our clothes and I finally am able to feel his warm body pressed against mine, skin to skin.

  I get lost in the kiss, and as we connect in the most intimate of ways, I feel that familiar warm glow. Opening my eyes, I realize he is too far gone to understand what is happening. His eyes have rolled to the back of his head and closed over. Not just my hands but also my whole body is glowing. Our emotional and physical connection is so strong in every way that I am somehow able to heal him.

  I squeeze my eyes shut again and deepen the kiss, wishing with every fibre in my being that he was cancer free. The complete ecstasy I usually feel as I heal is my reward and it lasts even longer than usual. Then I find out exactly what it is that Theo has been going through.

  That was one of the most breathtaking experiences of my life. Not only do I feel lighter, almost as though I’m in a dream, but I have never felt so emotionally connected to another person in my entire life.

  I love this woman with all of my heart. Squeezing her tight, I bask in the afterglow, ecstatic that I can live this moment in time before I have to leave. Tears of happiness start to choke me up. I may be dying, but there has never been a luckier man than me right now, lying here with this incredible woman.

  Rolling over onto my side, I inhale deeply, breathing her in. Her vanilla scent fills me, and I hope it’s enough to be able to take it with me into the next life. If she feels my tears falling onto her neck, she doesn’t say anything. I kiss them away and pull back to memorize her beautiful face.

  The look of pure anguish I see shocks me. Did I hurt her? “Ally, talk to me. What’s wrong? Did I hurt you baby?” When she still doesn’t reply, I jump up out of bed and stand by her side so that it’s easier to look her over. Why won’t she answer? A sinking feeling starts to form in my gut. I trace my hand down the side of her face, encouraging her to look my way, but she stays focused on the ceiling.

  The room is flooded with darkness as her glowing hands fade away. Why aren’t they glowing anymore? Come to think of it, all my past ailments aren’t noticeable any more either. I’m no longer sluggish and achy. Shit.

  All the air whooshes out of me, and my chest goes tight. My panicked voice fills the room, “Ally, why aren’t your hands glowing anymore?” I’m almost positive I know the answer, but I hope against all odds that I’m wrong. Please God, please let me be wrong.

  Her hand grabs blindly for mine. “You’re going to be okay now Theo. I love you.”

  No. No, no, no. My legs give way, and I fall to the floor. “Nooooooooooooo.” My scream does nothing to alleviate the horror I feel.

  Within seconds, Alex is barrelling through the door and turning the light on to see why I’m calling out in the wee hours of the morning. “What’s wrong? Oh crap, umm, sorry.” He averts his eyes and covers them with his hand. I’m confused for a moment before I understand Ally and I are both stark naked.

  With less grace then I would have liked, I leap over to the bed, tripping over our clothes and almost falling on top of Ally. Alex swoops in, trying to help. “I don’t think so Alex. Get out of here,” I yell. My hand grasps for the blanket and I pull it over the top of us, right up above our heads, shielding us from view.

  “Sorry man. Call out if you need me.” The light switches off and his footsteps pad down the hall leaving us in silence.

  “Ally, what have you done? Do you have a death wish or something?” The angry accusation leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, especially at the word death. Once the impacts of these words fully slam into my chest, I’m immediately contrite, and take them back. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean that, I swear. I’m just so… jeez. What am I going to do without you Ally?” It’s too late now anyway; it’s done. I’m a hundred percent certain I’m now leukaemia free, but Ally’s not.

  Resting my head in the crook of Ally’s shoulder, I crumple into her side and start to cry. Truthfully, the tears earlier should have been my first sign that something was not right. It’s been three long years since I was last able to cry, my tear ducts were affected from chemo. It should be impossible.

  Ally remains motionless, without speaking. She must be in shock. To have her body go from perfectly healthy to dying in the blink of an eye is unfathomable. I’m at a loss as of how to comfort her. How am I going to protect her when the thing that is destroying her is on the inside? I have no idea. For now, I push it all aside and keep us cocooned in the blanket, holding her close and crying out three long years of pent up tears.

  As we lay here in our own little time capsule, life goes on around us. Ally continues to lay quietly, without talking to me and I whisper sweet nothings into her ear, letting her know I’m right here.

  Eventually, the sun’s rays shine in through the window, alerting us to a new day. We can’t lay here in our safe haven forever. I need to know with absolute certainty if she has taken my illness away.

  Our clothes are still in a heap on the floor and I carefully dress Ally before putting on a pair of jeans and a shirt myself. I’m hesitant as I lean in, kiss her on the forehead, and climb out of bed. “I’ll be right back angel.” I tiptoe over to the door so that I don’t disturb her.

  “Alex,” I call down the hall. He is there in seconds, as though he was waiting around for me to call him. As quickly as I can, I tell him what is going on, and what my plan of attack is for the day, and then I go about getting ready.

  “Take extremely good care of her while I’m gone. I’m trusting you with something more valuable than my whole life here man.”

  Alex nods, “I got your back brother, always.”

  She looks so pale and unlike her usual smiley, happy self, and my heart aches. Before I leave, I brush the hair off her face and give her a quick peck on the cheek. “I love you. I’m going to sort this out Ally; you’ll be okay. I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

  I go into the living area in search of Mum and Dad, and find Mum staring at a blank TV. “Hey Mum, where’s Dad? I need to talk to you both a minute.” Before she gets a chance to answer Dad walks out and hands her a cup of tea.

  “Hi son, what’s up? Is everything okay?” He asks, having caught the end of my question to Mum.

  “Well I don’t have time to explain everything right now, but, do you remember seeing about Ally’s special power on the news?” Mum’s eyes go wide, and her hand starts to shake, causing her teacup to rattle against the saucer. Dad takes it off her and places it on the coffee table, although his hands don’t seem to be much sturdier.

  “Are you? Did she?” He doesn’t seem to be able to formulate any words, but I can tell he understands where I’m going with this. I just hope they don’t have a joyous reaction because that is certainly not how I feel about this prospect.

  “I think Ally healed me.” My mum gasps and my dad opens and shuts his mouth a few times, but nothing comes out. They both stare at me as though I can explain this crazy situation, but I can’t. How is it possible that the most caring, loving and selfless person on the planet is gifted with something that can only bring her pain? I can’t explain that. To me, it only proves that life is full of injustices. Someone like Ally deserves only happiness.

  “I’m going back to the hospital to have them run the tests again,” I inform them.

  Dad is finally able to get out a full sentence, “Do you want us to come with you?”

  I shake my head. “Ally is in my room. Alex is with her at the moment, but I would rather you all stay here and look out for her. I’m going to go see her mum after the hospital, and I will bring her back with me later. Call me if anything happens with Ally.”

  When I leave the roo
m I hear Mum start to break down and sob, I think I might even hear Dad’s cries in there too. My keys are hanging by the door, and I grab them and walk to the car, thinking if she has healed me, I will move heaven and Earth to find a way to make things right.

  Sputtering sounds come from the engine of the old car as it struggles to start in the cold morning air. “Come on. Give me a break,” I yell while pounding the steering wheel. Accidentally, I knock the horn, giving myself a fright and causing me to jump slightly in my seat. Finally, the engine turns over, and I see a puff of smoke coming from the exhaust in the rear view mirror.

  The digital clock on the dashboard displays the time as 7:20 am. Whether they are ready or not, when I walk in that hospital door, one of the doctors is going to take a bone marrow biopsy from me and get the results as soon as possible. No if, but, or maybe about it. I’m going to demand they check to see if I still have leukaemia and I’m not going to stop hassling them until they do.

  I’m praying that cancer still riddles my body. Who would have thought I would ever pray for that? Better me then Ally though.

  Silence fills the car. However, the blood pounding around my head and rushing through my ears assures I have no peace and quiet. There are only a few cars in the parking lot at this early hour, and I’m able to park close to the front doors.

  Not bothering to lock the car, I jog up the steps unwilling to waste even a millisecond of time. Breathless, I bypass the administration desk and head straight for the nurse’s station.

  Helen, a regular nurse at the clinic, looks at me quizzically as I approach. “Theo, we weren’t expecting you back so soon. Is everything okay?” My throat is dry, and I need to swallow before I am able to speak. Helen clicks the end of a pen as she waits for me to respond.

  “The leukaemia, it’s gone. I need a bone marrow biopsy to make sure. I’m ready right now. It’s an emergency, and I need confirmation as soon as possible.”