Tiger Takes the Big Apple

by David P. Reiter

  Applause broke out in the chamber, and Tiger felt his heart thumping. At last the humans were prepared to do something. He remembered a line that Alexander was fond of: United we stand, divided we fall!

  He spoke a bit too quickly.

  ‘Grand words,’ said the Russian ambassador. ‘But when the time comes to declare joint action necessary, who will decide? Who will have the final word?’

  ‘This Council, of course,’ said the President.

  ‘And the vote to attack must be unanimous?’ pressed the Russian. ‘Whatever the danger, and however desperate the need for immediate action?’

  The President hesitated, only slightly, but just long enough that the Russian seized upon it.

  ‘Ah ha!’ said the Russian, slamming his fist onto the desk. ‘You would take unilateral action, wouldn’t you, if you felt this Council might take too long to come to a decision!’

  The President hesitated again. ‘Only in the most extreme of cases, where our citizens were being killed. We have a responsibility to protect our people in such circumstances.’

  ‘Either the resolution will be binding on all parties,’ said the Russian, ‘or it won’t. Well, Mr President, which will it be?’

  Tiger felt a lump in his throat. He knew what the President was about to say, and he wished that he could, for once, tell a little white lie.

  ‘We will do our very best to—’

  ‘Not good enough!’ shouted the Russian. ‘If you do not guarantee that you will live by the vote of this Council come what may, we will veto your resolution!’

  The President stiffened. ‘Let me ask you this, Mr Ambassador. Let’s say Mick and his robots attack you first, and you see people being killed all around you. Would you not do everything you can to save them?’

  It was the ambassador’s turn to hesitate, but he came back even more strongly than before. ‘In war, innocent people get killed. No one likes that, and everyone would like to prevent it from happening, but there must be rules that apply to all equally. Who is to say that an American life is more precious than a Russian, or a Chinese, or an African life?’

  Scattered applause broke out, and Tiger could see that several ambassadors were on the Russian’s side.

  The President was getting tense. He leaned over to Madonna. ‘Typical UN point scoring from our Russian “partners”,’ he grumbled.

  ‘You might have to send in the Marines,’ Madonna replied, but she wasn’t smiling this time.

  ‘With all due respect, Mr President,’ Tark whispered, ‘I’m sure your Marines are a superior fighting force, but they will be no match on their own for Mick and the Abell 2218s.’

  Suddenly the chamber was plunged into total darkness. The walls began to shake and shudder, and Tiger could hear as panic set in among the delegates. He blinked once or twice to help his night vision set in, and he could see them stumbling over each other in their rush for cover under the desks.

  Soon after, the lights came on again, and Tiger had to blink even harder to believe what he saw there in the open area of the horseshoe between the desks.

  What started as a holograph of the Sacred Pool quickly solidified into the real thing, complete with hundreds of Member frogs perched along the mud bank, all eyes fixed on Prince himself on his favorite boulder in the middle of the pool. High above, on the branch of a gum tree that barely fitted under the chamber’s ceiling, was Eudora, glaring down at them with blazing red eyes.

  At the open end of the horseshoe stood Alexander, Myrtle and Bradley in front of a large trolley carrying – you guessed it — heaps of Greenhouse Ginger Cheesecakes! Stationed on either side of the trolley, like sentries, were Tony and Cleo, the dogs from Next Door.

  Tiger sighed. It was like Old Home Week on Greenhouse Place!

  Gradually, the delegates began to peek above their desks and cautiously resume their seats with as much dignity as they could muster, which wasn’t much after they’d been groveling on the floor for their lives. To Tiger, even the Russian and Chinese ambassadors seemed smaller and more humble than before, though all of them were wide-eyed with astonishment to see the scene before them.

  Eudora soared down from her branch, landing to one side of Prince, who shuffled over slightly so that they were equal in height above the boulder.

  Excited to see Alexander, Tiger dashed down to rub briskly against his leg. Alexander bent down to give him a scratch behind the ears.

  ‘Good to see you, mate,’ Alexander said. ‘Pity it couldn’t be in happier circumstances!’

  Myrtle, too, was overjoyed to see Tiger. She patted him on the head a bit too vigorously for Tiger’s liking, but, oh, well, you had to make allowances for reunions, he thought. But he drew the line when she bent down with puckered lips to give him a kiss.

  ‘We’re at the United Nations,’ he said, ducking away. ‘Keep it clean, love!’

  Myrtle looked slightly crushed but then straightened up. ‘I’m just so proud of you, Tiger, and all that you’ve done!’

  The Russian ambassador thumped his water glass on the table for attention. Then, in a somewhat shaky voice he said to Eudora, ‘Are you Mick?’

  Eudora looked at Prince, and Prince looked at Eudora, and every frog on the bank found another frog to look at, and all of them burst into laughter.

  ‘Mick, indeed,’ said Eudora. ‘In times like this, Mr Ambassador, you need to know your friends from your enemies.’

  Tark appeared on the desk in front of the Russian ambassador. ‘It gives me great pleasure to introduce His Excellency, Prince, and Commander-in-Chief, Eudora, our delegates to Inter-Galactic Command.’

  ‘Ah,’ said the Russian ambassador, bowing slightly in spite of himself. ‘Royalty!’

  ‘I told you we had friends in high places, Mikhail!’ said the President, beaming. ‘Greetings, Prince and Eudora, on behalf of the American people!’

  ‘And all the peoples of the Russian Federation,’ Mikhail said quickly, not to be undone.

  ‘And the People’s Republic of China!’ added the Chinese ambassador.

  After that, it was a minor avalanche of greetings from all countries at the table. The delegates left their seats to gather in wonder around the Sacred Pool, stooping down to let the frogs hop on their hands, shoulders, and even their heads.

  Eudora seemed impressed by the delegates’ change of heart, and her eyes softened to a paler red, even pink, color. But then she looked at Prince, who seemed to read her mind, and then nodded in agreement.

  ‘Delegates of the Security Council,’ Prince declared. ‘We send you greetings from the Executive Council of Inter-Galactic Command.’

  ‘Yes,’ added Eudora. ‘Heart-felt greetings, as you would say, and we ourselves would say if we only had a heart.’

  ‘If I only had a heart…’ sang Alexander, before being elbowed by Tiger to rein it in. ‘Sorry, it’s one of my favorite songs. From The Wizard of Oz?’

  ‘Excuse my human,’ Tiger added. ‘He must be a bit jet-lagged from teleporting here.’

  The United Kingdom ambassador was wide-eyed. ‘But if you don’t have a heart—’

  ‘Not to worry,’ said Tark. ‘Our scientists perfected more reliable instruments decades ago, altered our genetic code, and voilà no more heart attacks! But we do remember the time when we had hearts, so…’

  ‘Now, to the serious business at hand,’ Eudora interrupted, ruffling her feathers.

  ‘Yes,’ said Myrtle. ‘First, we’ll all enjoy a piece of my precious Greenhouse Ginger Cheesecake and then you will see the need to sign up for Project Earth-mend. And not just sign up, because words are cheap. You must take action to combat global warming! The time for excuses is over!’

  ‘Pardonne moi, Madam,’ said the French ambassador, ‘but the economy is not merely an excuse. Without a healthy economy, we would be lost.’

  Judge Wanda leaned over to the President’s microphone. ‘Without a healthy Earth, we will have no economy!’

  Madonna patted Judge Wanda on the
tail. ‘Right-on, Wanda. You are one switched on lizard!’

  Myrtle fixed each ambassador in turn with a hypnotic stare. ‘First, cheesecake, then we take action!’

  Tiger was pleased to see that, despite their differences, no one could disagree about the need to taste Myrtle’s fabulous cheesecake. The frog Members served it up to them on bone china with polished silverware that Myrtle had “borrowed” from the Parliament House kitchen, with Prince’s help. After a wink from Cleo, who was guarding one side of the trolley, Tiger slipped in to help himself. He found the spoon a bit hard to manage, but eating like a cat was out of the question in this company, so he followed Alexander’s lead, bite by bite. It was true: Myrtle’s Greenhouse Ginger Cheesecake was like Cat Heaven on Earth!

  There was plenty of cheesecake left over, and the delegates were eying it, but a few lip-curls and low growls from Tony and Cleo kept them in their seats.

  After wiping her beak free from crumbs on her wing, Eudora nodded at Prince, who thumped the boulder with his scepter.

  ‘It is do or die time for you now,’ Eudora began. ‘If Mick sees that the nations of Earth are still divided, even when confronted with total destruction, your world is doomed.’

  ‘What’s it to you?’ asked the Russian ambassador. ‘Why do you care?’

  ‘Yes,’ said the Chinese ambassador. ‘Maybe we fight the Abell 2218s and are weakened, only to have your forces take over!’

  ‘Give the man another piece of cheesecake!’ urged Number 12 from the back. ‘Oops, sorry, I’m always speaking out of turn. But I wish you humans could get your act together for once, instead of being so suspicious of each other and those who have come here just to help!’

  ‘I second the motion,’ said the President.

  ‘Me, too,’ cried Madonna. ‘And if you don’t listen to good sense, why, I’ll burn my bra here and now.’

  The President patted her on the arm. ‘I don’t think that would be helpful, Madonna.’

  She gasped and went all red. ‘I’m really showing my age, aren’t I? Oh, dear!’

  The President stood up. ‘I’m going to try this one last time before I offer my resolution on behalf of the Project Earth-mend team. Now, this is my second term as President of the United States of America, a post I am honored and humbled to occupy for a country that has long regarded itself as a Light on the Hill to other nations; but sometimes I see myself as a voice in the wilderness, even at home, when it comes to addressing global issues like this. Each of us has a backyard we are proud of, a heritage and culture worth defending. But sometimes we lose sight of the Big Picture, as some of us have here. If we fail to act today, if we fail to join hands to connect each of our backyards, you’ve heard it straight from Inter-Galactic Command – there may be no tomorrow. What is now Earth will be a patch of dark matter between planets, we’ll be replaced by a sphere of cheese, and eternity will forget us. We must act now!’

  The applause began with Myrtle, and even Bradley joined in. A chorus rang out from around the Sacred Pool that could only be described as frogs cheering, and soon almost all the ambassadors were applauding and whistling, too. The Russian and Chinese ambassadors looked at each other, then nodded at their delegates who only seemed to be waiting for the signal to clap.

  Smiling, the President held up his hand. ‘Here is my resolution. That this Security Council accepts the need for Project Earth-mend, and that it resolves to appoint a delegation made up of its permanent members – the United States, the United Kingdom, France, the Russian Federation and People’s Republic of China, together with Eudora, Prince, and Tark of Inter-Galactic Command to make known to the Abell 2218 Command that we are absolutely committed to combating climate change as one and moving to a sustainable future as soon as possible.’

  ‘Seconded!’ called out the Russian ambassador. When other ambassadors dropped their jaws at that, he went on. ‘Yes, I second the motion from our friends the United States. It’s time we forget the past and move on toward a global future where we work as one. Yes, we will still have our differences, and even suspicions of each other, but as friends we will resolve them, starting now.’

  Tiger couldn’t believe it. Perhaps there was still hope. Mick would see that everyone was onside with Project Earth-mend and call off his starships.

  Bradley waited until the vote was taken and all countries had supported the President’s resolution before putting up his hand.

  The President spotted it. ‘Over there. The man by the cheesecake trolley. You’ve got something to add?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Bradley.

  ‘And you are?’ asked the President.

  ‘An Aussie nobody,’ said Bradley. ‘Who happens to be married to the best cheesecake baker on Earth. And who used to think all the world’s ills would be solved if everyone just went out for a round of golf or two.’

  The President laughed. ‘I’m partial to golf, too. But what’s your point, sir?’

  ‘What if Mick and his crew don’t play ball? What if they decide to attack anyway?’

  The President sighed. ‘I was getting to that. We might need another resolution, as a last resort. I move that, in the event the Abell 2218s reject our offer, we mobilize a joint Earth-force led by the permanent members to defend ourselves by whatever means possible.’

  There were too many hands up to second the motion for the Chair to pick one. ‘Seconded,’ she said. ‘All those in favor?’

  The motion was passed.

  ‘But we’re going to need help,’ said Alexander. ‘If these Abell 2218s are as dangerous as Eudora says, we’ll be sitting ducks!’

  Tiger licked his lips unconsciously, but the last thing on his mind now was food. Would Inter-Galactic Command come to their aid in time?

  It was Eudora’s turn to sigh. ‘We are very pleased that the Council has passed these resolutions. I have already relayed the news and asked that Supreme Command to assemble a counter-strike force immediately. But this will take time.’

  Tark was deflated. ‘I thought that our forces were ready to go at the first signal. You said—’

  ‘Yes, I know,’ said Eudora. ‘What I said was not the complete truth. Inter-Galactic Command are concerned, and they do not want to see the Earth destroyed, but they doubted that the humans would agree to sign up to Project Earth-mend, and, more importantly, take decisive action. My instructions were that we would only act once it was clear, as it is now, that Earth was headed for a sustainable future.’

  ‘OK,’ said Tiger. ‘It’s clear now. So how long will it take for them to get here?’

  ‘I will leave immediately to put the case to an emergency meeting,’ said Eudora. ‘But, as you know, our Council is much larger than this one, and some Galaxy delegates are jealous of all the attention the Milky Way has had of late. They think that Earthlings are spoiled and self-centered. I must convince them otherwise.’

  ‘I could come with you,’ Tiger offered. ‘If they don’t trust humans, they might listen to a cat.’

  For the first time ever, Tiger thought he saw what looked like a smile on Eudora’s face – or at least her beak had bent in a smiley kind of way.

  ‘That won’t be necessary,’ Eudora said. ‘I have the ability to mind-shift as well as shape-shift. If it comes to that, I will testify as Sacred Pool Member Tiger the Cat, with your best thoughts in mind.’

  ‘Gee, thanks,’ said Tiger, not sure he should be thanking Eudora, but thinking it was better to do that than seem disappointed.

  in which first peace lines

  and then battle lines are drawn

  It was one thing to draw up a Security Council resolution but quite another to locate Mick to let him know about it. The President seemed OK about cooling his heels for a while until Mick could be contacted, but the other ambassadors wanted to make a decision now so they could report back to their own leaders straight away.

  ‘I know!’ said Tiger. ‘We can ask the rats to beam him down, so to speak.’

  The President and
Madonna seemed unimpressed.

  ‘You want me to meet with rats?’ said the President. ‘If the Press Corp ever find out—’

  ‘I paid a lot for this dress,’ Madonna added. ‘I’m not about to slip-slide down some rat hole in it.’

  The ambassadors were even less impressed.

  ‘Leave it to us,’ Tark said, meaning him and Tiger. He was still in a bad mood about being lied to by Eudora, but the importance of the peace mission was giving him a fresh life.

  If the truth be known, it had taken Tiger a distasteful hour to lick his fur clean from the last rat expedition, and he wasn’t looking forward to doing it again – but when the future of the Earth was at stake everyone had to make sacrifices.

  It was twilight by the time they left the United Nations, so Tark was able to prepare the Teleportation Module in a nearby dark alley without drawing any attention. They weren’t expecting Clint, Rocky and Arnie to hop on after them.

  ‘I think we can manage,’ Tark said.

  ‘One fake frog and an overfed cat versus a thousand rats?’ said Clint. ‘I don’t think so!’

  ‘You’re from out of town, too,’ said Arnie, muscling in next to Clint. ‘Some rats won’t even speak to you if you’re from New Jersey.’

  Tiger had no idea where New Jersey was, but it couldn’t be any worse than Canberra – or could it?

  ‘We speak Big Apple lingo,’ Rocky chimed in. ‘They’ll have to listen to us!’

  ‘Oh, all right,’ Tark said, finally. ‘But don’t think this qualifies you as Members of the Sacred Pool.’

  The raccoons looked confused.

  ‘Is that in New York?’ said Rocky.