Tiger Takes the Big Apple

by David P. Reiter

  ‘Only briefly,’ said Tark, conjuring up the Module’s holographic control panel to get them on their way.

  ‘Then you can keep your Membership,’ said Arnie. ‘We’ve got enough to cope with already – what with the Manhattan Coon Country Club, and—’

  ‘That’s enough,’ said Rocky. ‘I think they get the message without you disclosing all our private memberships.’

  To their surprise, the manhole cover over the main rat access tunnel was already ajar when they arrived.

  ‘Uh-oh,’ said Clint. ‘I’ll bet it’s a trap. Want me to call in reinforcements?’

  ‘No,’ Tark said firmly. ‘We’re just here to ask them a question. Either they cooperate or they don’t.’

  ‘We have ways of making them talk,’ smirked Arnie.

  ‘We’ll do it my way, or you can stay above ground,’ snapped Tark.

  The raccoons went all quiet then.

  Tark’s magic toe lifted the manhole cover off as if it was light as a wafer, floating it above the pavement until they were all safely inside. The same rat sentries met them and guided them down into the central chamber.

  The first and second rats were there, waiting for them with twitching whiskers.

  ‘Why are you here?’ the first rat said. ‘We said we’d call you when we’d made up our mind – not the other way around.’

  ‘Anyway,’ said the second rat, ‘we have reached a decision. And, while we value your feedback, I regret to inform you that, after careful consideration, we have decided to side with the Abell 2218s.’

  ‘Idiots,’ muttered Clint to Arnie.

  ‘What do you expect of rats?’ Arnie muttered back.

  ‘Sorry to hear that,’ said Tark, quickly. ‘But that’s not why we’re here.’

  ‘Why are you here, then?’ said the first rat. ‘To surrender? To sign over the Royal Jewels?’

  ‘Actually, I’m pleased to hear that you’re siding with Mick,’ said Tark. ‘Well, not pleased for your sake but more for ours.’

  ‘If you’re going to speak in riddles,’ said the second rat, ‘this will be a very short conversation.’

  ‘We need to meet with him,’ Tiger said, wanting to get to the point because the smell of the chamber was getting to him. How could they stand to live like… rats?

  ‘Ah,’ said the first rat, ‘so you do want to surrender. Wise decision!’

  Tark’s toe was getting twitchy. ‘We bring a message of the utmost importance from the Security Council of the United Nations,’ he said. ‘It’s in Mick’s interest to hear us out.’

  ‘Or else what?’ teased the first rat. ‘You’ll weave a magic spell over his robots? Oh, dear. I’m sure he’ll be frightened out of his metallic—!’

  With a sweep of his toe, Tark froze the first rat in mid-sentence. The second rat, and the others closest by, sniffed around him.

  ‘Man, how cool was that!’ shouted Clint.

  ‘How’d you do it?’ said the second rat. ‘What have you got hidden in that toe?’

  ‘Never mind,’ said Tark, ‘unless you want more of the same.’

  The other rats backed away, and the second rat held up trembling paws. ‘I’ll contact Mick,’ he said. ‘But I have to do it in private.’

  ‘Why?’ said Tiger, rather forcefully. It was cat versus rat instinct coming through.

  ‘T-there’s a secret code,’ said the second rat. ‘And Mick said he’ll know the instant we share it with anyone.’

  ‘Off you go, then,’ said Tark. ‘But be quick about it. Tell him we’ll be waiting for him in Grand Central Park.’

  ‘Any place in particular?’ asked the second rat. ‘It’s a big park.’

  Tark smirked. ‘He’ll know where to find us. He always does.’

  They made a move for the entrance.

  ‘Wait!’ cried the second rat. ‘What about Wrinkles?’

  ‘Wrinkles?’ said Tark.

  The second rat pointed at the still-frozen first rat. ‘That’s his name – Wrinkles.’

  Tark cocked his head at the first rat. ‘I think he looks better as a statue – fewer wrinkles somehow.’

  ‘Have a heart,’ said Rocky. ‘Excuse the expression,’ he added, probably remembering that Tark didn’t have one.

  ‘Yeah,’ said Tiger, flicking at the first rat’s ear with his claw. ‘He’ll probably start smelling soon.’

  ‘Oh, all right!’ Tark said. His toe pulsed dark blue, and an instant later the first rat had unfrozen. ‘Welcome back… Wrinkles!’

  The Crew had a laugh about that.

  ‘W-where am I?’ the first rat said, in a shaky voice.

  ‘Alive, for the moment,’ said Tiger, tickling him under his chin. ‘So long as Mick gets our message.’

  Wrinkles looked confused, but the second rat was already on his way.

  ‘Grand Central Park. In what, twenty minutes?’

  ‘Instantly,’ said Tark. ‘We know a shortcut.’

  Thanks to the Teleportation Module, they did arrive almost instantly at the Turtle Pond, which was fairly central in Central Park. They hovered above it briefly while Tark tried to hone in on a patch of darkness that was solid ground rather than water, which was easy enough to do since there were candles everywhere at one end of the pond, and none that they could see floating in the pond on the backs of turtles, who, at that time of night, were probably fast asleep in their burrows anyway.

  As they landed, they could see that the candles had been set at picnic tables where the ambassadors huddled. The Permanent Members had their own table, which was rather close quarters for the President, and the ambassadors from France, the United Kingdom, China and the Russian Federation, but, in the warmth of the candlelight, they seemed to be having a pretty good time.

  Tiger thought it had something to do with the hot dogs, boxes of French Fries and Coke that the President had provided while they waited for Tark and the others to return. The scent lingered in the air, but sadly no hot dogs had survived the wait, and, though a couple of French Fries ended up on the ground, Tiger had his standards, so he decided to go without.

  It’s amazing what lashings of junk food can do in the interests of world peace, he thought.

  Madonna had pied-pipered a few buskers on their way into the park, and now was singing and dancing to requests from the ambassadors, who were laughing and clapping to the beat. She didn’t seem to mind performing Beatles’ songs, but she did seem rather careless when the choice was from ABBA.

  ‘They’re so dreadfully wholesome – and harmonic,’ she muttered to the President.

  ‘Not to mention Swedish,’ laughed the President.

  ‘You’re back!’ Wanda called down to them from Number 12’s hump. ‘How did it go?’

  Tark and Tiger filled them in.

  ‘Can we trust those rats?’ asked Number 12. ‘They’re almost as bad as politicians!’ With a crooked grin, he added to the President, ‘No offense intended!’

  ‘None taken,’ said the President. ‘Now, Mick just needs to show up.’

  Looking up at the night sky, Tiger thought that this was the scene in all good movies when the Baddies did show up, but there was nothing floating up there except the usual trillion stars and distant galaxies minding their own business. Not even a whiff of Min Min Lights.

  ‘He’ll turn up,’ Tiger said, trying to convince himself as much as the others.

  ‘If he’s not otherwise occupied,’ Wanda added, ‘destroying other polluted planets!’

  To pass the time, Tiger decided to scout around the pond to see if he could spot any turtles out for a midnight snack, not that he wanted to dwell on missing out on the hot dogs. Sure enough, the odd nose rippled out of the water, with dark, beady eyes reflecting the faint candlelight.

  ‘Greetings, Turtles,’ Tiger called to them. ‘I don’t suppose you’ve seen any Min Min Lights playing about?’

  One of the turtles poked his head above the water. ‘Min Mins? Are they a Rap band? Like Beastie Boys?’


  Another turtle surfaced. ‘My favourite is Wu-tang Clan, but they haven’t busked since they went triple-platinum.’

  Cool dudes, Tiger thought of the turtles. But not into ETs.

  Just then, without another word, the turtles swished back under the water.

  ‘Good-bye to you, too,’ said Tiger. ‘Turtles can be so rude. Then again, if I was stuck under a shell all my life and couldn’t scratch my back, I might be a bit rude, too!’

  There was a sound of wings behind him, and Syd landed breathlessly beside him. ‘Look up!’ he gasped.

  Sure enough, the stars and moon had vanished, and the night sky was totally black. But not totally quiet. There was a faint whirring sound, like an engine idling.

  Then Tiger’s night vision told the tale: it was a ship of some sort.

  ‘T-tark says you’d better come back – immediately,’ Syd said, his beak clacking. ‘He thinks it’s Mick’s command starship!’

  Tiger dashed back to the Permanent Members’ picnic table. The President was talking on his phone. ‘This is a red alert from your Commander-in-Chief,’ he was saying.

  ‘Better hang up,’ Tark said.

  ‘We can’t just sit here,’ the President said. ‘We need to have interceptors ready if it comes to that!’

  ‘Give peace a chance,’ Tark said, doing his best to form a “V” with both claws.

  The President tried to say something else into the phone, but it had gone dead, thanks to you know who. ‘Am I the Commander-in-Chief here? Or are you?’

  Tark smiled. ‘In Inter-Galactic matters, I’m afraid that power comes to me.’

  ‘Right,’ said the President, putting the phone back into his pocket. ‘Glad we have that much sorted out.’

  All this time, Tiger had his eyes fastened on the starship overhead. It wasn’t moving, which is just as well because, if it had, it might have landed on top of them. End of peace negotiations.

  Then a ring of pale purple lights began to pulse from the base of the ship before a gangplank appeared, edged with more lights. Even before it touched the ground, two enormous robots emerged, making their way a bit unsteadily down the plank, their metal skin glowing faintly with blue light like an aura.

  Tiger’s jaw dropped as he tried to make out which of them was Mick. It was all too horrible. If they had truly come to destroy the planet, what hope did Earth have?

  Just then, Mick appeared on the plank. Not Robot Mick, but rather Lake Eyre Mick, with the same broad Akubra hat.

  ‘Cool!’ cried Madonna. ‘This has given me an idea for my next tour!’

  ‘Which one of them is Mick?’ said the President to Tark. ‘The robot or the cowboy?’

  Tark looked confused since they hadn’t yet met a cowboy, and, when you thought about it, the sight of a true cowboy would be really strange.

  ‘The one in the hat,’ he said. ‘That’s his favorite shape-shift!’

  Once on the ground, the robots made way for Mick, who seemed in no hurry to get there. But once he had, he walked right up to Tark.

  ‘We meet again, Lieutenant Tark,’ he said. ‘I trust all is well back on Planet Griffon, where you will be returning shortly after our mission is completed.’

  Tark glanced at each of the robots in turn. ‘You really need to upgrade these guards. Their auras are so last century!’

  The President cleared his throat. ‘Ahem.’

  Tiger stepped forward and bowed slightly, not because he wanted to show Mick respect, but because he couldn’t think of anything better to do. ‘May I introduce the President of the United States?’

  Mick glanced around. ‘United States?’ he said. ‘Are these all leaders from this United States you speak of?’

  The Russian ambassador stood up, a bit too suddenly for the robots, who eyed him as a possible threat, raising their arms, doubtlessly to exterminate him if Mick gave the order.

  ‘At ease, Phatars 1 and 2,’ Mick said. ‘No danger, from that one.’ He walked over to the Russian. ‘And you are, sir?’

  ‘Mikhail Kurganov, Ambassador of the Russian Federation,’ said the ambassador, clicking his heels.

  Mick laughed. ‘United States, Russian Federation. And these others? They are heads of united federations, too?’

  The other ambassadors spoke at once, shouting over each other to be heard, until Mick waved at them to be quiet.

  ‘So many countries,’ said Mick, ‘each wanting to be seen as more important than the others. Is it any wonder Earth can do nothing about climate change?’

  ‘That’s where you’re wrong,’ said Tiger. ‘They’re here today because they have agreed to act as one to make Earth a more sustainable place.’

  Mick bent down to Tiger. ‘Are you still with us, cat? I thought felines had short life spans.’

  ‘Don’t be nasty to my friend,’ warned Number 12, pawing the ground, ‘or I’ll—’

  ‘You’ll what, you flea-bitten camel – cough on me?’ sneered Mick. ‘Your Project Earth-mend team is pathetic. Your mission has failed, utterly. And now it’s time to pay the price, isn’t it, Lieutenant Tark?’

  ‘They have been slow to learn,’ said Tark. ‘But they are well-meaning life-forms.’

  ‘Yes,’ said the President. ‘It’s not easy for us to correct past mistakes. Or habits that we’ve had for thousands of years. But we humans are intelligent beings. We’ve survived world wars, famines, plagues, even bad governments, and come back stronger than ever. This group of leaders you see before you now speaks for the planet as one. We will clean up our act for humanity and all life-forms – if you leave us in peace.’

  With that, Madonna walked straight up to Mick and rubbed shoulders with him. ‘Hey there, big boy,’ she cooed. ‘You may not have heard of me, but I’m a rock star.’

  ‘Some kind of comet?’ Mick said, playing along.

  Madonna giggled. ‘Yes, in a way. We are gods of the music world, and our young people respect rock stars far more than they respect politicians. We hold concerts to raise money for famine relief, for flood disaster relief, to cheer up soldiers on the front and the wounded in hospitals.’

  Mick nodded. ‘I’ve heard your concerts. My robots have been recording them as evidence of life on Planet Earth BED. We plan to offer them as a part of our free audio service to all first class passengers on selected inter-stellar routes.’

  ‘Bedtime?’ Madonna said. ‘Why, Mick, I hardly know you!’

  ‘No,’ said Mick, gently at first. ‘Before EXTERMINATION DAY!’

  Taken aback, the ambassadors muttered among themselves.

  Tark swelled to more than three times his normal size. ‘You know we can’t allow that, Mick.’

  ‘Can’t allow!’ roared Mick. ‘Who is “we” – the human race?’

  ‘They,’ said Tark, ‘with the support of Inter-Galactic Command.’

  ‘You’re bluffing,’ Mick snorted. ‘Inter-Galactic Command is toothless. If they are so interested in saving this pathetic planet, where are they?’

  Tark hesitated. Tiger knew that, as a Griff, he was incapable of lying in response to a direct question, but perhaps he could stretch the truth a bit.

  ‘They will be here… soon,’ said Tark.

  ‘Oh, really,’ sneered Mick. ‘In inter-galactic terms, “soon” should mean seconds, or, at worst, minutes from now.’ He bent down to look Tark squarely in the eye. ‘So what will it be – seconds, minutes, hours, days, or light-years?’

  ‘It will be when it will be,’ Tark said slowly. ‘Soon.’

  ‘But not soon enough,’ said Mick, rubbing his hands. ‘Our starships are ready now. I have only to issue the execution command.’

  ‘There is no need for that,’ said the President. ‘Just today, all these people here met to debate the future of Planet Earth, and to accept that we must and will change our course. We are the only planet in our solar system with life. While there are doubtlessly many other living planets elsewhere, surely it is important to give life here a second chance. Why is it s
o important that you exterminate us now?’

  The robots shifted impatiently as Mick narrowed his eyes.

  ‘It’s true that you are the most advanced living planet in this sector of the Milky Way,’ Mick said. ‘All the more reason for us to make an example of you to other developing worlds! While the pollution you emit is insignificant in galactic terms, if you are allowed to continue your selfish, wasteful ways, others will follow – until entire galaxies are under threat.’

  ‘I agree with you,’ said Tark, to gasps all around.

  ‘What?’ Tiger cried. ‘You said—’

  Tark sighed as he turned to Tiger. ‘Remember the days on Greenhouse Place, before you were accepted as a Member of the Sacred Few? I had my doubts then that humans would ever be capable of change. But Prince ordered me to fulfill our mission – to give Project Earth-mend the best chance of succeeding.’

  ‘But you were at the Security Council meeting,’ Wanda said. ‘You listened to the debate. You saw the motion pass without a single “no” vote. Change is on the way!’

  ‘I wish it were so,’ said Tark. ‘But those are words. And words need to be put into action. Will those promises stop humans from burning dirty coal to fuel their heaters and air conditioners? Will your supermarkets stop wrapping everything in plastic that ends up in your oceans killing your sea life? Will your farmers find a way to live with insects without poisoning the soil and contaminating your food? Will your rich countries fight hunger by sharing with the poor?’

  ‘Yes,’ said the President. ‘Yes, we can. And yes we will. I did not become President of the United States of America to have Earth destroyed on my watch. And when I look around this picnic table I see leaders of countries we once considered our enemies equally set on starting afresh, renewing our planet for our children and our children’s children. We can do it, Tark. We can reward the faith that Prince and Eudora, and Inter-Galactic Command have shown in us. And, yes, Mick, a united Planet Earth can shine a light to other worlds, throughout the Milky Way and beyond, until we at last show respect for the place we call home.’

  The ambassadors applauded. They clambered up onto the picnic table benches to be heard. Tiger wanted to join in, but the pads on his paws were useless when it came to clapping, so he just yowled as loud as he could. A few owls and squirrels and even some local raccoons came down from the trees to see what all the fuss was about. Syd and Number 12 were happy to fill them in.