Choices(Waiting for Forever BK 1)

by Jamie Mayfield

  “The rumor in Dalton is that they had something to do with Ray’s murder. Only the cops there don’t seem to care too much about it since Jimmy’s father is the chief. I don’t know if he was involved, but no one has done anything.” He turned the picture over so he wouldn’t have to look at it and put it facedown on the scanner. Punching up a couple of things on the computer next to it, he programmed it to make one copy of the same size.

  “Did you know the boy who was killed?” I asked, feeling uncomfortable talking about it but curious as well.

  “Yeah, I did. He was one of my best friends, and he didn’t deserve what happened to him,” he said, hitting the enter key with unnecessary force. I was starting to feel a little nauseated, and I kept feeling a prickle of fear every time someone mentioned that kid’s name. Before I’d met Adam, Ray Andrews had been just an abstract boy with no face. Suddenly, he was a friend of Adam’s, and he seemed much more real.

  “I’m sorry,” I said, at a complete loss.

  “That’s why I started seeing Sensei,” he said in a whisper, looking around quickly. “I didn’t want to be next.”

  “So you’re….” I trailed off, not wanting to say the word “gay” out loud. He nodded.

  I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. In some ways, it made me happy to know I wasn’t alone, that there was someone who understood. However, it seemed to be open season on gays in Alabama. Jamie’s parents had dragged him halfway across the country, I’d had the shit kicked out of me, and bigots had murdered Adam’s friend.

  Adam was a nice guy, and I could honestly say he was becoming a friend. I felt heat rise on the back of my neck just thinking about someone hurting him.

  By the time Carolyn had finished her shopping, the copy Adam had made was safely in my pocket along with the original. I formally introduced my mother to Adam, since she’d only seen him around the dojo, and she seemed extremely happy that I’d found a friend.

  When we got home, I took the picture Adam had copied for me and slid it into the attached frame on top of the wooden keepsake box I’d made for Richard and Carolyn in wood shop class. It had taken me the better part of four months to design the box, sand it, stain it, tool some decorative markings along the top of the frame, and finally varnish it. The frame had actually been my teacher’s idea. Even though the picture reminded me of fear and loss, it was a good candid shot of me that I thought they would appreciate. The light that shone in my eyes had never been there before, and even when I was on the other side of the country, they would be able to see me happy.

  Christmas morning dawned bright and clear, and I couldn’t help the sadness that invaded my heart. It should’ve been my first of many Christmases as Jamie’s boyfriend. Instead, I was lying in bed alone, feeling the nearly suffocating weight of his absence as I looked up at his picture in its frame. The night before, I’d trimmed it neatly to remove the two boys, because after Adam had told me of their suspected involvement in Ray Andrews’s murder, I couldn’t stand to look at them anymore. It was as if their presence poisoned the beauty of the setting and of Jamie, and I did not want anything to taint my memory, or image, of him.

  We generally didn’t go all out for Christmas at the Schreibers’ as some families did. I remember Jamie feeling particularly disgruntled on my behalf when he found out that my foster parents had only bought me jeans and tennis shoes for Christmas when we were twelve. The Schreibers didn’t have a lot, and the clothes were something I had really wanted. Jamie, of course, had gotten a new bike and a ton of other toys, which he promptly declared to be “ours.” Even then, even before we had any idea just how much we’d mean to each other, he’d been generous and kind. Since then, Richard and Carolyn had moved from stuff I needed to stuff I wanted, like different kits or parts for my models. Jamie had been satisfied with that but still decided his best gifts would be stuff we’d share.

  I wiped away the wetness from my face as I remembered those years with Jamie, before the world had changed and grown dark.

  “OH, BRIAN, it’s beautiful!” Carolyn cried as she opened the keepsake box I’d made for them. “You shouldn’t have spent the money, darlin’, you’re going to need—”

  “I made it,” I said, cutting her off before she could feel guilty. “It was a project in wood shop, so it didn’t really cost me anything. I just thought you’d like to have a nice shot of me, and… and of Jamie.” Just saying his name made my heart hurt, because he’d just been so close to me upstairs in my bed, but in reality, he was back to being a million miles away.

  “This is for you,” Richard said, handing me an envelope. I opened it and found it was a money holder card. Looking inside, I saw there was a white receipt where the cash would be.

  “I can’t… I can’t accept…,” I stammered, looking at the receipt. They had probably deposited much more than they could afford into my savings account. I didn’t know much about their finances; they never wanted me to have to think about it. But since the hospital forced Richard to retire because of me, I didn’t want to take their money.

  “Yes, you can,” Richard said sternly, with a solemn expression. “We’re not going to let you go off to California with a couple hundred dollars in your pocket. It isn’t much, but maybe you won’t starve to death your first month there.”

  “You don’t want me to go?” I asked, looking back and forth between them as they sat side by side on the old, comfortable sofa.

  “No, honey, we don’t,” Carolyn said quietly, and then sighed as if her shoulders were carrying the weight of the world. “We understand why you need to go, but we just wish you’d wait until you’re on your feet.”

  I leaned up and hugged her, wanting to tell her I’d be okay but knowing I shouldn’t make any promises I couldn’t keep.

  “Thank you,” I told them both earnestly, “for the generous gift, for taking care of me, for everything.”

  “You’re welcome, darlin’,” Carolyn replied, and then, trying to guard her expression, she looked at the clock behind me and said, “Good gracious, if we’re going to have Christmas dinner, I need to get busy. Can I get you to help me for a little bit?”

  I stood quickly and offered her my hand, helping her up. She didn’t let go until we started to pull a pan out for the ham.

  22

  “NO, BRIAN, you need to hold your arm like this,” Adam said as we practiced in the dojo, waiting for Sensei to return. He always went home for dinner, closing the dojo for an hour, but since Christmas, he’d started letting Adam and me hang out before our session. I didn’t mind waiting. It gave us time to warm up and get some practice in. We were both improving, but we had a level test coming up, and we wanted to move up to the next belt. When I’d first started working through our sessions, I’d thought there was just one belt, the black belt, because it was the only one with which I was familiar. When we took our tour, Sensei explained that there were several different belt colors and even levels within each color. It took a long time to work up to even the brown belt, which was just below a black. Unfortunately, with the way we were laughing harder than we were practicing, it would probably take us longer than most.

  Finally, with about ten minutes left before Sensei returned, Adam and I gave up and sat against the wall. It was nice to have someone with whom I could just talk and joke. Not only had Jamie’s parents taken away the boy I loved, but they’d stolen my best friend as well, and dealing with the loss of my friend was just as difficult as losing my boyfriend.

  “I’ve been meaning to ask you something,” Adam said quietly, his tone sobered considerably from our jovial mood of just a few minutes before. I looked at him to see his face full of sadness and anxious anticipation.

  “Sure, Adam?” The answer came out as more of a question because I really had no idea what he intended to ask.

  “Who is Jamie Mayfield?” His question caught me so off guard that I felt an ache start to build in my chest at hearing Adam say his name.

  “Why do you want to know?” I as
ked, rather more sharply than I’d intended to.

  “I’m sorry, Brian. You don’t have to tell me,” he said quickly and got up to his knees in order to stand. I grabbed his hand and pulled him back down next to me. He held onto my hand a little too long, making me uncomfortable.

  “It’s okay; I’m just surprised you don’t already know.”

  “I heard these two girls say your name at the pharmacy the other day. They pretty much said that this Jamie guy was the reason you were… hurt,” he finished lamely. “Did he do something…?”

  “No, he didn’t do anything,” I replied. Pulling my knees up to my chest, I wrapped my arms around them, trying to contain the sting. “Jamie and I were….” I sighed. How could I even explain the depth of what we were? “Jamie and I have been best friends since we were eleven. Last summer, we figured out it was more than that, much more. When Jamie’s parents found out, they packed him up and took him to San Diego to get him away from me. The guy who beat the holy hell out of me, Brad Mosely, has a sister Jamie had pretended to date so people wouldn’t find out about us. Only for her, it wasn’t pretend.”

  “So this Jamie guy used a girl by pretending to date her, and her brother took it out on you?” Adam asked in a mildly sarcastic tone. I didn’t know how to explain it any better.

  “Jamie was doing it to protect us, but he wasn’t here when it went to hell,” I told him, trying to make him understand.

  “So, what does Jamie say about it now?”

  “I… I don’t know. I haven’t heard from him since the day he left,” I whispered, putting my head down on my knees and curling up into a tight ball. It was killing me inside a little more each day that I hadn’t heard from Jamie. I refused to ask myself all those same questions, the ones that made me wonder why I hadn’t heard from him. Avoiding the questions didn’t stop the tears, however, and soon I felt Adam put his arms around me, and I rested my head on his shoulder. It felt so good to be held, and I let myself melt into his embrace.

  “I would never leave you,” he whispered in my ear, and I lifted my head. His green eyes were blazing, and he leaned forward slowly, cocking his head ever so slightly….

  The outer door opened, making me jump to my feet, pulling out of Adam’s embrace. I couldn’t understand what had just happened, because for a moment it was almost as if he were going to kiss me. I walked swiftly to the bathroom, locked the door behind me, and leaned against it in an attempt to catch my breath. I had never expected that. I thought Adam could be a good friend, someone I could talk to; I didn’t think he….

  Glancing at the mirror over the sink, I looked at my reflection. I was not the same guy I had been a year ago. The scar on my forehead, the gouge Mosely’s class ring had made, was evidence of that. The bags under my eyes were lessening but still apparent, and my face was still pale and gaunt from the weight I’d lost after the attack. I splashed cold water on my face to try to help my puffy, bloodshot eyes.

  No, I certainly was not the same guy.

  After a few slow, deep breaths, I dried my face and hands and returned to the mat where Sensei and Adam were waiting. Sensei was pulling out a couple of the padded sticks we used to practice blocking, and Adam was watching me. His face was a mask of guilt and worry, and I could tell he wanted to talk, but it was going to have to wait until after the lesson.

  It was a long and grueling practice session, and for that, I was grateful. There wasn’t any time to think about what had almost occurred before Sensei walked in. I knew it couldn’t happen again because I was in love, completely, with Jamie. His parting words were like a talisman in my heart each and every day. Never forget that I love you. I would never, ever forget that he loved me. The act of putting those two ideas together in my head, how much I loved him and that he wanted me to remember that he loved me, made a truly painful thought come to me. What if he hadn’t written because I hadn’t said it back? He told me never to forget that he loved me, but I didn’t tell him that I loved him. What if he’d lost faith in me?

  My only answer was that when I finally found him, I would spend every minute of every day restoring that faith.

  “BRIAN, Adam is here to see you,” Carolyn called, startling me a little because I hadn’t even heard the doorbell over the music, but that was fine. The sound of pounding on the door had been haunting my dreams since Hascomb had shown up to take me away.

  I couldn’t decide if the smile I heard in her voice when she talked about Adam bothered me or not. She didn’t really know Adam, only seeing him at the dojo or the pharmacy, but just the fact that I had a friend was comforting to her. It worried her that I was having such a rough time at school, although I didn’t think it was so bad. The harassment had pretty much stopped, but no one spoke to me. To be honest, it was almost a relief. I hadn’t been very social before the attack, so the forced isolation wasn’t really a big deal. Even people who had been friends with Jamie and me last year treated me as if I was some kind of pariah. This year, it was all about Emma Mosely.

  It’s just that I didn’t want to get Carolyn’s hopes up. No matter how close Adam and I got as friends, I was still leaving.

  “Okay, I’ll be down in a minute,” I replied, calling through my open bedroom door. Adam had never just shown up at my house, so he must be here to talk about the almost-kiss. After finally finding a friend, I didn’t want our friendship to become awkward.

  Steeling myself for the inevitable confrontation, I threw on a T-shirt and headed down the stairs. My limp was more noticeable today, so I took it easy. Richard had told me just a couple of weeks ago that he thought the limp would be permanent, but it only seemed to bother me when it was really humid or cold.

  I looked up and saw Adam standing shyly next to the front door, his shoulders hunched and his hands buried deep in the pockets of his jeans. The strange impulse to hug him because he looked so defeated unsettled me. It wasn’t as if he’d done anything wrong, but the guilt on his face was clear. The worst part was how I noticed the way his body filled out his T-shirt and jeans. I’d only ever seen him in the uniform from the dojo or the smock from the pharmacy, never anything quite as tight-fitting as what he was wearing standing in my foyer. They were perfect over his sculpted arms and legs, which were lean and muscular. The look definitely suited him, and I tried not to blush.

  “Hey” was my brilliant greeting from the bottom of the stairs as I failed to keep myself from staring.

  “Hey” was his equally brilliant response. “Is there someplace we can talk?” I nodded and motioned for him to follow me. I took the stairs slowly, with him close enough behind me that a shiver raced through me. He followed me into my room and pulled the door behind him until it was just slightly ajar. I sat on the bed and looked up expectantly as Adam took another, almost reluctant, step into the room. Then he saw my dresser and moved over to it. His eyes widened as he took in all the models arranged on the smooth surface, each meticulously built and maintained.

  “Did you build these?” he asked me, awestruck. Dozens of models—some buildings, some cars, and one of Jamie’s tree house—filled almost every inch of the dresser top. It had taken me years to collect the materials and construct nearly a dozen buildings, each more intricate and better designed than the last. The most recent model, the tree house, was an almost perfect replica of our sanctuary. My heart clenched each time I looked at it, wishing Jamie and I could shrink down and hide within its walls again. Even though I knew someone had bought Jamie’s old house, I had never gotten the courage to go see if the tree house was still there. Somehow, I knew if I went there and it was gone, I wouldn’t be able to stand it. As it was, I couldn’t bring myself to remove the model from the dresser and hide it away in the closet. Each stab of pain in my chest was a tribute to our relationship, to the love I felt for him.

  “Yes, sometimes Jamie helped build them with me, gathering the right materials,” I replied, and even I could hear the sadness in my voice. Adam’s shoulders stiffened, and he continued to look throu
gh the models. It seemed as though he was preparing himself for the conversation at hand.

  “Adam, I—” I started, wanting to break the tension, but he cut me off.

  “Brian, I’m sorry about last night. It’s obvious you still have feelings for this other guy, and I shouldn’t have pushed you. I really think there’s something between us, but I can wait until you’re ready,” he said, sitting on the bed next to me. He kept rubbing his hand up and down the leg of his jeans, and I got the impression he was just itching to reach over and hold my hand. I found it odd that I didn’t really know how I felt about that.

  “Adam, I’m in love with Jamie. I don’t know that I’ll ever be ready for something with someone else, even if I don’t find him,” I said quietly. “Besides, you and I don’t have that kind of time anyway. At the end of the summer, you’ll leave for college, and I’ll already be in California.”

  “You’re going after him?” he asked, and I saw the pain in his face, pain I thought might be premature. I mean, we didn’t really even know each other all that well. Seeing the vulnerability in his face, it occurred to me that he had also just lost his best friend, much more brutally and with horrific finality. While I had a pretty good idea where Jamie might be, his friend was dead. Holding his gaze, I nodded, and his face fell. I felt like a total jerk. He was my friend, and I was hurting him.

  “I’m leaving for California once I turn eighteen. My parents understand and are supporting me,” I admitted.

  “I haven’t screwed up our friendship, have I? I can still be your friend, even if we can’t be anything more right now,” Adam asked, and his look of desperation made the argument die in my throat. I’d wanted to say we couldn’t ever be anything more, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to see any more pain in his expression.