Choices(Waiting for Forever BK 1)

by Jamie Mayfield

“No, I still want to be your friend, Adam. Right now, you’re probably my closest friend,” I told him, trying to lighten the conversation, maybe even to take the pain from his eyes. It was true anyway, at least in Alabama, because here he was my only friend. His face broke into a beautiful smile, and it almost felt like the sun shining on my skin. It warmed me so completely. I decided not to dwell too much on what that meant, because I had my friend.

  CLASSES at the dojo went back to the easy, carefree time they had been before the almost-kiss. It took a little time to adjust to the awkwardness between us, but after the first week, it was virtually gone. Having dodged the bullet of Valentine’s Day, it looked like Adam and I were home free. Of course, I had missed Jamie terribly on Black Sunday, as Adam affectionately called it, but it was more manageable than I wanted to admit. Adam and I had gone to a large arcade in Dalton and spent the day, and more money than I wanted to think about, playing video games and paintball. I had never played paintball before and was surprised at how much they hurt on impact, but by the time we had splattered each other with paint playing Combat Carl behind molded plastic trees and flimsy wooden fences, we were laughing too hard to breathe. I tried not to think about how the knot in my chest lifted when Adam and I were together.

  “Hey, you ready for our session with Sensei?” Adam asked, pulling me out of my thoughts.

  “Yeah, I’m ready.” We were working on deflecting some of the more advanced kicks we’d been working on the week before. I watched Adam walk over and start practicing the kick on one of the dummies and marveled at his form. He reminded me of actors you would see in a movie. Okay, probably better than the crappy ninja movie Jamie and I had seen on our date over the summer, I thought, laughing inwardly. They were just bad.

  Jamie.

  He’d been on my mind more and more over the last few days. It probably had to do with Valentine’s Day, because it would have been our first together. My only consolation was that for the next one, we would be together again. That belief was solid and buried deep—it would happen.

  “Ready to warm up?” Adam asked, and I jogged over to where he was on the mats. We went through our warm-up exercises, waiting for Sensei to return, and I liked having someone to practice with, especially someone just as determined as I was. Adam wouldn’t let me slack off just because we were friends. I admired his dedication.

  “We could work on those blocks from last week while we’re waiting. I don’t want to start with the kicks until he gets back,” he said, smiling, and I agreed. I got into position, and we worked for the next twenty minutes on punches and blocks. It had been months since Adam and I started working together, and with the trust I had in him, the flashbacks were no longer an issue. I still woke up a couple of nights a month with my heart racing from a nightmare about the attack, but I was starting to work through the fear. My body had healed, and the only lasting effect was my limp.

  I landed a blow to Adam’s stomach, trying to catch it so it wasn’t a full-strength strike. He grunted and held a hand up, trying to catch his breath.

  “You’ve gotten so much better than me,” he panted, trying to laugh.

  “Nah, I just get lucky sometimes. Not to mention that you don’t really go after me like you could,” I said with a sly smile, having noticed more than a few times that he was holding back lately when we sparred. “You know, if they catch me alone, they’re not going to hold back.”

  “I know, and I try to tell myself that, but I can’t… I just can’t try to… hurt you,” he stammered, looking at the floor. I moved closer to him and tilted his chin up, holding his gaze.

  “You know how I look at it?” I asked quietly. His face softened, and that hopeful expression I had seen so often lately brightened up the room. “I go after you, work to make you better, because that’s what I can do to help keep you safe. I view it as helping to save your life. That’s the only way I can force myself to kick and punch hard at one of my best friends.” Slowly he smiled, nodding.

  “Okay, then, let’s go again,” I said, stepping back.

  The next time, he struck with all his force, and I felt his determination in every blow.

  “You boys look like you’re working up a sweat.” Sensei chuckled as he came in through the door a few minutes later. “I was watching from the reception desk, and I have to say I’m very proud.”

  “Thank you, Sensei,” Adam and I said together, bowing to him out of respect. It still amazed me how far we had come—well, me especially, in such a short time. Coach Williams was a great teacher, and I wished all my teachers were as efficient, or even half as understanding.

  “Okay, boys, let’s get started with blocking. Brian, I want you to perform the kick we worked on last week. Adam, I want you to watch the block, and then you two can switch. Ready?” he asked, and I assumed my stance.

  “Yes, Sensei!”

  He nodded once, and, concentrating all my will, I executed the kick. Sensei blocked it, but the kick threw him off balance.

  “That was perfect, Brian!” Sensei said, slapping me on the shoulder. “I wouldn’t be surprised if you moved up to the brown belt this time next year. You’ve learned so much.”

  I couldn’t bear to tell him that I wouldn’t be here this time next year. My plan was coming together nicely, but I still hadn’t discussed it with anyone outside my parents, Kyle, and Adam.

  We switched places, and Adam threw the kick. I watched intently as Sensei demonstrated the block again. Adam’s kick wasn’t as hard or as accurate as mine, but it was certainly enough to get the job done if needed. For a while, Adam and I switched off kicking and blocking while Sensei watched and gave suggestions.

  “I wish time passed as fast at school as it does here,” I remarked as I checked the clock and noticed we were almost out of time.

  “I second that,” Adam panted, having just finished another kicking and blocking set with Sensei.

  “Don’t wish your life away, boys. Time passes fast enough on its own,” Sensei warned, and I wondered if that was some kind of ancient proverb like the ones he spouted off from time to time to see if we were paying attention.

  “Okay, come back to my office with me. I need to talk about our schedule for next week. I’ll be out of town a couple of days, and we can plan out what we’re going to cover,” Sensei said. We followed him back to the office and sat in the twin, olive-green, molded plastic chairs in front of his desk.

  “Let’s see… today is the twenty-third, so….”

  I lost track of what Sensei said after that. Today was the twenty-third, February 23. My throat started to burn, and tears pricked the corners of my eyes. Adam noticed my change in demeanor, but Sensei was still looking at the calendar. Shaking my head slightly at Adam, I silently warned him not to say anything. I didn’t want to get into this with him, with Sensei, or anyone else. Numbly copying down the schedule for next week, I gave Sensei a wave before heading to the changing room to get back into my street clothes.

  I knew Adam would be there when I came out, waiting to talk. Over the last few weeks, he had been picking me up and bringing me to the dojo, taking the responsibility off Carolyn. He was going there anyway, he’d reasoned. I had no choice but to wait for him and the inevitable litany of questions he would ask when we were finally alone.

  I wasn’t disappointed.

  “What’s wrong, Brian? You were fine until we started talking about the schedule,” Adam said ten minutes later as he started the ignition.

  “I don’t suppose telling you I don’t want to talk about it is going to deter you?” I asked, sighing and resting my head back against the headrest. Not wanting to look at Adam, I stared at the rain as it slid slowly down the passenger window.

  “No, it isn’t,” he said flatly, leaving the car in park while he hit the locks out of habit. He turned slightly in his seat, indicating that we weren’t going anywhere until I told him what was bothering me. It was both comforting and infuriating.

  “I didn’t realize the date,
and it took me by surprise,” I said, not wanting to elaborate but knowing I would have to. He sat quietly in the other seat, waiting for me to finish. I sighed. “It’s Jamie’s birthday, his eighteenth birthday, and I forgot.”

  The burning in my throat was back, and a tear slipped down my cheek. He hesitated for several seconds before leaning over the console and putting his arms around me. At first, I wondered if I shouldn’t pull away. While it felt like a betrayal, it felt so good to be comforted. My heart hurt, the pain almost physical, as I laid my head on his shoulder. Within seconds, I felt his fingers gently running through my hair, and I closed my eyes. He held me for a long time while the tears continued to flow. They were tears at myself for forgetting Jamie’s birthday, tears at him for not sending me any kind of message, even tears at Adam for being so damned understanding.

  “It’s okay, Brian. You did remember. It just took a little while. You’re slow,” he jibed, and I laughed as the tears began to slow.

  “I’m faster than you,” I reminded him.

  “That you are, my friend,” he conceded and kissed me lightly on the top of the head before releasing me. I sat up in the seat, wiping my face on the sleeve of my sweatshirt.

  “Sorry I broke down on you.”

  He caught my gaze, and the sadness in his eyes was unmistakable.

  “You love him, it’s understandable,” Adam said, the pain flashing across his face as he put the car in reverse and backed out of the parking space.

  I thought he would remain silent as we headed towards my house, but he surprised me.

  “When I was about five, I lost my dad. He hit a patch of ice on a bridge and died during the accident. It’s been my mom and me for as long as I remember, but I miss him. I understand what it’s like to lose someone,” he said quietly.

  “Did your mom raise you on her own?” I asked him. Adam hadn’t really talked much about his home life, just as I didn’t talk much about my past as a foster kid. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to talk about it; the subject just never came up.

  “Yeah, she does the best that she can. I just wish I saw her more. She was my best friend growing up,” Adam said wistfully.

  “What does she do?”

  “She’s an auto mechanic,” he said, and chuckled a bit at my raised eyebrows. “I know, she’s amazing. She worked so hard all these years to take care of me all by herself. When I was younger, she got right down on the sideline with the fathers cheering me on when I played Pop Warner football. Then, when I was about eleven, I switched to baseball, and she worked with my coach, learning how she could help me practice. It meant so much to her that I never missed out on anything because of my dad’s death.”

  “Do you not see each other?” I asked in reply to his wistful comment from earlier.

  “She works days, and I work evenings. We both work weekends sometimes. I have school and karate, and… I think… she might have a… friend.” His face turned up into a smirk, and I grinned at him.

  “How do you know?”

  “Well, she can only go to the grocery store and come home with nothing so many times before it becomes pretty obvious. I think she’s afraid I’ll be upset, but honestly, if he treats her well, I’ll be thrilled. It’s one of the things I’ve worried about for when I go away to college next year. It bothers me that she’d be alone.”

  We pulled up in front of my house then, and I found myself impressed with Adam. More than any other time during our short friendship, he’d really shown his caring and generous nature. Not only the story about his mother, but just in the way he saw my pain and distracted me from it without drawing any attention to the fact he was doing so.

  That night, the blow of it being Jamie’s birthday was somewhat lessened by the warm feeling Adam left me with. I smiled at Jamie in his frame and whispered, “Happy Birthday, baby. I hope wherever you are that it’s been a wonderful day for you.”

  23

  AS WINTER turned into spring, Adam started to help me with my California plans. He hated the fact that I was going, but, like Kyle, he wanted me to be as prepared as I could be. While it was too early to start looking for a job, since I wouldn’t be leaving for another four months, I could look for the types of jobs that were available to get a general idea of what I could apply for and how much I could expect to make. I started with karate instructors, since that’s what I had the most experience at, but they all wanted a brown or black belt. Not having achieved either rank, I couldn’t even apply. It was disheartening.

  Adam was far more resourceful than I was. Not only did he hit all the main sites for jobs, he also used the search engine pretty effectively to find help-wanted ads in newspapers and on smaller posting sites. In addition to the searches we made for places to live, it looked like the average wage I could make would just barely pay the rent on a studio apartment in San Diego.

  “Wait, let’s try this,” Adam said as he pulled up a marketplace site and did a search for roommates. “You could just get a room in a house, like a student, or maybe have a roommate. That would lower your costs and let your money go further for stuff like, I don’t know, food.” I rolled my eyes at his sardonic tone.

  “Yes, I’ll have to eat, I get that. I have to get around. I have to have necessities. That’s why I’m doing this now; I want to be as prepared as I can be before I get on the bus.”

  “Have you even been on a bus for any length of time?” he asked me, and the question surprised me.

  “Uhm, no…,” I admitted. “I’ve never been outside of Alabama.” His face softened a little, and he leaned against the doorjamb.

  “For years, especially after my dad died, we would take the bus to see my grandparents in Georgia. When I was about twelve, my mom couldn’t afford to go, and she would send me alone. She drilled into my head over and over not to get off the bus for any reason, not to talk to any strangers unless they had a nametag from the bus company, if anyone tried to touch me to scream. None of those things happened; I think she just wanted to make me hyperaware, but it was a lonely time. It was lonely during the hours on the bus and even lonelier spending a couple of weeks with virtual strangers. I haven’t done it in a while because their health is starting to fail, but it was never something I wanted to do.”

  “It’s too expensive to fly or take the train. I’ll be fine,” I told him quietly.

  “I still can’t believe you’re going to get on a bus, alone, and go to California with no job and no place to live. It’s insane, Brian!” He sounded almost angry as he shoved his chair back and stood up. “I’m going downstairs for a soda, do you want anything?”

  “Yeah, could you bring me back one, and leave your attitude in the kitchen?”

  Without another word, he walked out of the room, and I sighed.

  Ten minutes passed as I waited for him to come back. With another sigh, I walked down the stairs, wondering if he’d left, and then turned the corner and walked into the kitchen. Adam was sitting at the breakfast bar with the unopened soda in his hands, his head bowed. He was hurting, and it hurt me to see it. The guy had lost his best friend to the worst possible violence, and now his new friend was just going to pack up and take off. Neither of us knew if I would ever come back.

  Without thinking, I walked up and put my arms around him, pulling his slumped shoulders back against my chest. He put his hands on top of mine for a moment, a small sound breaking from him. Then he turned slowly, looking up at me. The expression on his face was so broken, I just… I couldn’t stop it.

  I leaned down and brushed my lips against his. My heart broke with the betrayal, the guilt of kissing someone who wasn’t Jamie, but I couldn’t stand to see Adam’s anguish, especially since it was my fault. I felt his gasp just as clearly as I heard it, and he turned on the stool, pulling me closer. As the kiss deepened, I felt his fingers in my hair as mine dug into his back. To my surprise, I was pulling him closer rather than pushing him away. The whimper that escaped me did nothing to help the level of sexual tension that was
growing exponentially in the small confines of the kitchen. It just… it felt so good to kiss him. I felt that same rush of heat I’d always felt with Jamie. It wasn’t accompanied by the familiar feeling of my heart jumping into my throat, but I hardened in my jeans just the same.

  The sound of the front door opening forced us apart. Wild excitement raged in his eyes as he panted. I grabbed the second soda from the breakfast bar and ran for the stairs. Amazingly, as aroused as I was, I managed to get to the upstairs bathroom without stumbling. After slamming and locking the door, I splashed cold water on my face and neck, trying to calm down. I took a deep breath and brought the one thing to my mind that I knew would cause my erection to fade: Jamie’s hurt face when he found out what I’d done. Then another unwelcome thought came to mind. Maybe he had found someone else to care about, someone like Adam. I hadn’t heard anything from him, not a word, since he’d told me to never forget that he loved me. The inconsistency of that drove me crazy.

  Finally getting myself under control, I wiped my face and hands on a small towel and went into my bedroom. Adam was waiting for me, that hopeful look still plastered on his face. He was waiting for me to say something, to say I’d stay here with him, that we could be together. I couldn’t say that, but for the first time since Jamie’s parents ripped him from my life, my resolve wavered. The choice, standing in his wire-rimmed glasses, was so clear, so close. I could stay with my parents who loved me, and a guy who obviously cared for me very much, and maybe go to college. The other choice, which suddenly seemed much more abstract, was to hop on a bus and try to find a guy I wasn’t entirely sure wanted to be found, at least by me.

  Every day, it seemed, the division in my heart grew.

  “Let’s get back to work,” I said quietly and turned to go back into Richard’s office. Adam stood there, clearly surprised that the kiss didn’t mean we could stop working. As understanding began to come across his face, it hardened, and his eyes went cold.