Choices(Waiting for Forever BK 1)

by Jamie Mayfield

  “I’m not going to help you kill yourself,” he said harshly, grabbing his jacket off the bed and walking to where I was standing at the door. “Just think about one thing. Think about how much it hurt when he left you. It’s going to hurt worse when you leave me because you’re choosing to leave.” He pushed past me and thundered down the stairs. The front door closed loudly behind him.

  I sat down on the bed and stared at the models sitting on my dresser. Things had been so clear just a few months ago, before Richard and Carolyn had started the adoption proceedings, before I’d met Adam, before I’d started to fight for a life for myself. Lying back against the pillows, I put my hand over my eyes.

  The knock on my door startled me, and I sat up quickly, wondering if Adam had changed his mind and come back. I was almost disappointed when I saw it was Carolyn, until I noticed her whole face was lit up in a brilliant smile.

  “What is it?” I asked, wondering what could have happened to make her so happy. Instead of explaining, she handed me some papers that were tri-folded, as if they’d been in an envelope, and neatly stapled in the corner. I opened them, and it didn’t take long to figure out what they meant.

  “The adoption is final,” she said softly, running her fingers through my hair. “You are officially our son on paper. You’ve been my son in my heart for quite some time before that.” I jumped up off the bed and threw my arms around her, my melancholy forgotten. In that moment, I was happy.

  “I love you… Mom,” I whispered into her hair. She sobbed openly then, tears of joy that warmed me.

  “You have no idea how happy it makes me to hear you call me that.” She was proud to have me as a son, and I could hear it in her voice. I was not born to her. She had chosen me. “Now, before I go all to pieces,” she said, pulling back and wiping her eyes, “Richard and I want to take you out to dinner tonight to celebrate. You can bring Adam if you want.”

  “I don’t think he’d be interested.” I shrugged and sat back on the bed. My mom sat down beside me. My mom. The floodgates opened, and I told her everything. I told her how he’d tried to kiss me before Christmas, and how close we’d gotten. I told her about playing paintball, and about how good it felt just to be with him. Then I told her about kissing him in the kitchen, and I hung my head.

  “When he left, he said that I was doing to him just what Jamie had done to me, only I was doing it intentionally. I didn’t mean to hurt him, Mom.” The “Mom” flowed so naturally off my tongue that it startled me. It felt like I’d been waiting to call her that all my life.

  “I know, honey. I think that’s why they say that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Even when we want to do the right thing, sometimes it ends up going wrong. Have you ever thought that maybe going to California isn’t the right move to make?” she asked, resting her hand on my shoulder.

  I nodded.

  It was the first time I’d admitted to anyone else that I wasn’t sure about my plans.

  “I will stand behind whatever decision you make because you’re my son, and I love you. You know that Richard and I don’t want you to go. We want you to stay here with us, go to college, to have a good chance at life. Jamie would have wanted that too, Brian. He loved you, and he would want to see you happy. Maybe he hasn’t written or called because he wants you to get on with your life.” I looked at her, hating that what she said made sense.

  “I love him,” I said, but the reasoning was starting to sound weaker and weaker, even in my own head.

  “You don’t have to decide tonight. There are still four months before you turn eighteen, and two before you graduate. Let’s just go to dinner, okay?”

  I nodded, trying to ignore the disturbing thought that was forcing itself to the forefront of my mind. If I wanted to apply to college, soon it would be too late. An in-state school might still accept me this late, but not for much longer. Trying not to remind myself that Adam had applied to University of Alabama, I decided I would at least consider filling out a few applications. It couldn’t hurt to be prepared for whatever happened. Even if I was accepted, it didn’t mean I had to go.

  That evening, we headed out to the car as a family. I was in my nicest jeans with a blue button-down because Carolyn had decided she wanted to try the new restaurant that had just opened around the corner from the dojo. It looked really nice from the outside, and once we entered, the muted lighting and the obvious Greek theme impressed me. Vines topped almost every wall, and there were beautiful boating and olive grove prints on the painstakingly recreated stucco walls. I heard a faint shout of “Opa!” from a table near the back, and the flames on the plate startled me. I looked at Carolyn, amazed, but she just smiled. I’d never been to a traditional Greek restaurant before, and I guessed I was in for an experience.

  The host showed us to a table off to the left as I tried to keep my eyes off his tight butt in the perfect pants that he wore, feeling almost guilty as I thought about Adam. If only I hadn’t been so stupid, he could have been with me, sharing this very special day with me. Maybe it was best that it was just Richard, Carolyn, and me—or, as I could officially say, my parents and me. Richard pulled out the chair for Carolyn, and we both waited until she sat down before sitting ourselves. I took one of the menus and started looking through the selections; some of the things I’d never heard of, but other items sounded really good. When our waiter arrived, I ordered a soda while Richard and Carolyn ordered wine. Richard also ordered two glasses of champagne, and my heart warmed, remembering once again why we were here.

  “To my son, may he continue to grow into the extraordinary man I know he will become,” Richard said, and clicked his glass with Carolyn’s, then mine as I blushed. I wondered briefly if he really felt that way, until our gaze met and I saw that he meant every word. Richard glanced around and then handed me his glass. Tipping it up, I took a sip of the champagne. It was tart and tangy, and the bubbles tickled my nose. I’d never had any kind of alcohol before, and I liked the way it relaxed me as I finished the glass.

  “Thank you both so much, for loving me and for giving me a home. I’m honored to be your son,” I said, my inhibitions a little lower than they might have been otherwise, but I had to make sure they knew. It scared me to think where I would be without them. It bothered me even more to think that I was throwing away the chance they’d given me if I didn’t go to college and try to make something of myself.

  The server came again, and we gave him our order. I’d decided on lamb shish kebab while Richard and Carolyn ordered the chops. Carolyn also ordered something called saganaki as an appetizer, and before long, we had settled into a companionable silence. I still couldn’t believe how beautiful the restaurant was, and how it made me feel to be there. I wasn’t just the throwaway kid anymore; I had a family, and we were out doing a nice family thing. Of course, we’d gone out to dinner before, but never to a place like that. Even though the places we usually went were less expensive, I’d always ordered the cheapest thing I could find, hoping they wouldn’t be annoyed having to pay for me, but it felt different now. I didn’t feel like a burden to them because they had chosen me to be their son.

  I looked up to see the server standing by our table again. He had a plate and a bottle on his tray, but it didn’t look like anything we’d ordered. Dousing the plate with the contents of the bottle, he grabbed the lighter I hadn’t seen and set the plate aflame. My heart rate sped a little as he let out the same cry of “Opa!” as we’d heard when we came in. It took just a minute for the alcohol to burn off the plate, and when the flame went out, he set the plate on the table. I looked, and it reminded me of a pancake. The edges were golden brown, and it was bubbling and sizzling on the metal plate. I looked up at Carolyn, who was grinning at me.

  “Saganaki is flaming cheese; it’s really good. I haven’t had it in years,” she said as the server sliced up the contents of the plate and divided it between us. Well, there was a first time for everything, and I took a small taste. It had a very li
ght, crunchy exterior from the flames, but the inside was smooth and soft. As we ate, Richard and Carolyn sipped their wine, and we talked.

  “I’m going to stop by the guidance office at school tomorrow and check into taking the SATs and pick up an application to the University of Alabama,” I told them. They both stopped eating. If they were trying not to gape, they didn’t succeed.

  “I thought you were going to California when you turned eighteen?” Richard asked, and the hope in his voice caused my chest to tighten. He wanted me to stay, just as Carolyn did.

  “I don’t… I’m not….” I set down my fork and sighed. “I’m just not sure,” I said, taking a long drink of my soda. “Maybe Kyle and Adam are right, and if Jamie wanted me to come and find him, he would have made some effort to contact me. It doesn’t feel right that he hasn’t. What if I get out there only to find that he’s found someone else? At least now I have hope and the dream of him.”

  The food arrived, and we switched from talking to eating, though I could tell there was more they wanted to say.

  The lamb was tender and had great flavor. I was just getting ready to tell Carolyn that when I noticed she’d gone pale. She was staring over my right shoulder and wasn’t very happy with what she was seeing. Spinning in my seat, I noticed the new family coming into the restaurant. It was Emma Mosely, her parents, and her younger sister. They were just one big happy family, minus the felon, of course, who was sitting in his cell. My hackles came up immediately, but I turned around and went back to my dinner.

  “Gerald, don’t…,” I heard a woman say, and I turned again to see Emma Mosely’s father coming toward our table. Richard started to stand, but I put a hand on his arm as I got up.

  “What are you still doing here, boy?” the man asked, his face nearly purple with rage. Unconsciously I assumed my standard defensive karate stance, my body alert and ready for attack. I didn’t answer. He obviously had something to say, and unless he threatened one of us, I wasn’t about to initiate a conflict with him. One of the first tenets Sensei had taught us was that our skills are for defense only.

  “The state took my boy away because of you; it’s only fair for them to take you too!” he cried. “They took my son because he tried to protect his sister. Why couldn’t it have been you? You worthless piece of….”

  “Emma,” I said over his shoulder, never taking my eyes off him. “I’m sorry for what Jamie did, what we did in lying to you. It was wrong, and it never had anything to do with you personally. You’re a nice girl, and I’m sorry you were hurt.”

  “That’s not good enough! Damn it, the preacher said he’d deal with you, you little faggot. God will deal with you,” Mr. Mosely said, his eyes full of hurt and menace.

  “That may be true, but for the time being, you need to go back to your family,” I told him, still maintaining not only my form but also my calm. It was evident he’d been drinking before he’d arrived, because his first punch was slow and uncoordinated. It was easy for me to move out of his way, still keeping myself between him and my family. Sensei had always taught us that the best defense of all was not to be there. The second punch I caught midair and, using his momentum, drew his arm behind his back, spinning him.

  “I’m no longer a ward of the state. Go ahead and try calling Social Services again; they already know you have a grudge. So why don’t you and your preacher go screw each other and stay the hell away from my family,” I said, low in his ear so only he could hear me. He bucked wildly, but I refused to let him go until a couple of the larger men in the restaurant helped the manager to remove the whole family. Only when he was safely out of the building did I return to my seat and pick my fork back up.

  Richard and Carolyn just stared at me.

  “Guess those self-defense classes are really paying off,” I said with a shrug, and Richard clapped me on the back.

  “I am so damned proud of you, son,” he said, rubbing my shoulder. “You’ll handle yourself just fine, no matter what decision you make about California.”

  “OH MY God,” I said to the quiet, empty office as I read Jamie’s father’s name from Richard’s computer screen. A brief biography accompanied the story about his acceptance of a promotion to senior vice president in charge of the firm’s IT department. There was a picture of Mitch and Patsy Mayfield smiling for the camera. Jamie’s mother looked calm and serene, her smile almost genuine, but his father looked like he’d lost at least thirty pounds from his husky size. His normally cheerful face was a bit sallow, and his eyes were lifeless. The most frightening part about the article and biography was the absence of any mention of Jamie. It didn’t specifically say they had no children, but it didn’t mention they did either. My insides went cold. It scared me to think of what might have happened to Jamie, and I wanted to know where he was. My hands gripped the desk, and the blood pounding in my ears was so loud I didn’t hear the knock on the office door. I didn’t know anyone was there until I heard a soft voice.

  “Brian?”

  It was Adam.

  Adam, who had been steadfastly avoiding me for the last three weeks.

  Adam, who didn’t practice with me anymore at the dojo.

  Adam, who, after one look at my face, came through the door and took me into his arms.

  “Brian, what is it? Talk to me,” he said, stroking my cheek. I hadn’t even realized that tears were pouring down my face until he wiped them away.

  “I… I can’t…,” I said, not wanting to talk to him about it and make him feel any worse. I couldn’t hide my feelings from him and tell him about my fear that Jamie was dead. That thought, the thought of never seeing Jamie again, caused the sobs to come harder, faster. Tightly holding me as I cried, he shifted a little so he could look at the screen. He stroked my hair and then pulled back just a bit to look into my face.

  “It’s an article about that Jamie kid’s parents, isn’t it?” he asked. There was no harshness to his voice; instead it sounded more understanding than I’d ever expected. I nodded. “What about this article has you so upset? This is more than just you missing him….”

  “It’s a biography about his family, but he’s not in it, Adam. Where is he? What happened to him? What if he’s…. What if there was… some kind of accident…,” I said, trying to get myself under control.

  “Brian, if he were dead, we’d have found a record, a newspaper clipping, an obituary, something,” Adam said, trying to reassure me. “Maybe he ran away, and that’s why they aren’t mentioning him.”

  “If he ran away, and he’s not under their control, why hasn’t he e-mailed me or called me, sent me a postcard? Anything?”

  “I don’t know, Brian. I wish I did,” Adam replied with a sigh, running his hand along my back.

  Then, something occurred to me.

  “Adam, what are you doing here? I thought you hated me?”

  “I… I was trying to get my head on straight. So to speak,” he said with a smirk, and I couldn’t help but let a slight grin come to my face. “You never lied to me. You never pretended we were anything more than we claimed to be. I just… I care so much about you, and I let my imagination get the better of me. I’m sorry, Brian.”

  “No, I’m the one that should be apologizing. I shouldn’t have kissed you when everything in my head is so conflicted. It isn’t fair to you. I took advantage of your feelings for a moment of comfort, and in doing so, I hurt you,” I told him, hoping the sorrow and the apology were clear in my voice. “I don’t ever want to hurt you.” I wrapped my arms around him and held him to me, his head on my shoulder and my lips merely an inch from the top of his head. I didn’t press my lips against his hair as I wanted to, because I didn’t want to confuse the situation any more than I already had.

  He pulled back, scrubbing his hand across his face.

  “So… now that that’s over, what have you been up to for the last few weeks?” he asked, trying to lighten the mood.

  “Uhmmmmm… not a lot. I took my SATs last weekend and se
nt off my application to the University of Alabama,” I said, shrugging.

  “Why? I thought you were off for sunny Californ…. You’re having second thoughts? Is it because of me? I never meant to—” I put a finger on his lips to stop him from talking.

  “It isn’t just you. All my life I’ve wanted a family, a real family who wanted me and loved me. Now I have that. I have a best friend again, and I could go to college. That’s very appealing. I’m starting to wonder if everyone around me isn’t right. If he really does want to be with me, why haven’t I heard from him?”

  “I don’t know, Brian. I just don’t know.”

  24

  “A WEEK until graduation, can you believe it?” Adam asked as we changed into our street clothes after our session with Sensei. We’d progressed to a level where we really didn’t need the extra attention, but we both liked having one-on-one time in the dojo, both with each other and with Sensei. Over the months I’d been having sessions with Coach Williams, he’d earned my respect and admiration, and I truly and deeply appreciated what he’d done for me. He’d taken the frightened little boy who had limped into his dojo, and he’d made him a man.

  “I know, it seems like this year has lasted at least ten.” I sighed. So much had happened since they had taken Jamie out of my life—the attack, the dojo, the removal by the state, the adoption, and all the other, less significant things that had forced me to grow up. It all came down to that summer and the decision I was going to have to make. I loved Jamie, and I missed him every day. Of course, there was also the fact that still, after all those months, I hadn’t heard a word from him.

  “You still need help with that paper for English?” I asked Adam, and he chuckled.

  “Brian, I always need help with papers for English.”

  “All right,” I laughed. “You and your thumb drive come in when we get to my house, and I’ll look it over for you.” We packed our gym bags into his trunk, and he drove me home.