The Lady's Choice

by Bernadette Rowley

  As Benae had lost her cloak and dress in the ocean, they shared Ramón’s clothes. Benae wore his shirt and cloak over her pantaloons and chemise; the squire dressed in his breeches and tunic. As Ramón saddled Flaire and his own mount, he mulled over the revelations of the night. He might be inexperienced, but he understood enough to know that his feelings for Benae were dangerous – for himself and for her. He could still feel her skin against his; he imagined he always would. No matter how far he travelled, it would not be far enough to escape these feelings. A lump formed in his throat. No matter what Benae imagined, their relationship could never be. Somehow he must persuade her not to reveal their betrayal to the prince and then she might be safe. He would leave Brightcastle and find Alecia and that would be the end to it all. He swallowed again at the thought of turning his back on Benae, but he must and could do whatever he had to, including denying her.

  Benae couldn’t help but notice Ramón’s reticence on their trip up the beach. Had she done the right thing seducing him last eve? Had it made her forthcoming marriage to Jiseve easier to bear? How could it when every fibre of her being now hummed when Ramón was near? She wanted to speak to him of what was in her heart but where could she start? If Ramón did not love her then she must accept that. No! The emotions inside her were too powerful to deny. She had never envisaged feeling this way about another human being. Last night had forged a connection between them that would endure. An unfamiliar tension began to build within her as she rode up the beach towards the trail that led to the top of the cliffs. Eventually, Benae was able to name the emotion. Fear.

  It was so new, this love she felt for Ramón. Its intensity scared her. The thought that he might not love her back scared her. The niggling suspicion that Jiseve would not release her terrified her. She could not be trapped in a loveless marriage. Once upon a time Benae had reconciled herself to that fate but now, since Ramón, it was not possible. As she turned to speak to the squire, a shout sounded from ahead and men and horses spilt from the cliff trail onto the beach. They trotted towards the lovers. Ramón’s cousin Josef led the party.

  Benae moved forward but Ramón grabbed Flaire’s reins. ‘Wait for them. Keep the story simple. The truth. I came looking for you and you ended up dragging me from the ocean. We sought shelter in the hut. They have no proof that anything else happened.’

  Lieutenant Formosa pulled up in front of them, sand flicking from his horse’s hooves. ‘I am glad to see you, lady, cousin. I was beginning to believe we would find only bodies.’ His eyes flicked from one to the other and Benae suspected he had not missed a detail. She pulled the cloak to cover her bare legs but it was no use. At least Ramón’s shirt was long enough to cover her thighs.

  Ramón spoke up before she could explain. ‘I found the lady in difficulties and then needed rescuing myself. We were both nearly drowned and had to take refuge in the fishing hut overnight.’

  ‘That explains the state of your clothes.’ He examined Ramón’s face. ‘You are bruised there.’ He pointed to the side of Ramón’s head where Benae had set the bones.

  ‘I told you I nearly drowned. I fell off the causeway and hit my head on rocks. After Lady Branasar dragged me from the water, I was in no fit state to travel back to Wildecoast. We took shelter from the storm.’

  Formosa’s eyebrows rose, his expression speaking louder than words. ‘We will escort you back to the castle where you can have your wounds tended.’ He turned and trotted back to his men. Four horses peeled off to the side to form a rearguard as Benae and Ramón fell in behind Josef and three of his men.

  There was no talk on the return trip. The squeak of leather and the jingle of spurs wore at Benae’s nerves, when those sounds were usually music to her ears. All she wished was to be back in familiar surrounds with Ramón. She could not wait to leave Wildecoast and resolve her future, or lack of it, with Jiseve.

  The king and queen awaited them in the castle forecourt along with Captain Jazara. He looked tired, his brow drawn in a deep scowl, his manner stiff and unfriendly. The queen stepped forward as Benae dismounted and embraced her, kissing both cheeks.

  ‘I see you took my advice, Benae,’ Adriana said, a cheeky smile lighting her eyes. ‘I trust you are well?’

  A spike of alarm shot through Benae at her words. No, she could not know, could she? ‘I am well, Your Majesty. Ramón saved me from drowning last eve. It was rather foolish setting out on my own. I was washed from the causeway.’

  ‘And you, squire?’ King Beniel said. ‘That is a nasty bruise on the side of your head. What befell you?’

  ‘He hurt himself in rescuing me, sire,’ Benae said. Under the scrutiny of the monarchs, she was suddenly very conscious that she wore only Ramón’s shirt over her underclothes.

  ‘Let us not stand here talking,’ the queen said. ‘You must both go to your chambers and bathe and then we will talk of yesterday’s events. Lady Benae, the body of your maid has been recovered and we must hasten to lay her to rest. This afternoon, if you please.’

  Benae curtseyed. The sooner Merel was laid to rest, the sooner they could depart this cold, dreary castle and the scrutiny of its inhabitants.

  Chapter 15

  They were well into their first day on the road back to Brightcastle. Ramón scanned the forest as they passed, his wary eyes detecting movement where there was none. The one hundred soldiers with him did not set his mind at rest. Who knew how many of the dark elves had amassed in the forests of the kingdom?

  Merel had been buried with full honours yesterday afternoon and Queen Adriana had sent the maid Joletta to accompany Benae on the trip west. The funeral had brought back all the grief pushed aside by more recent events and Benae had collapsed on Alique’s shoulder and been led away by the ladies. Ramón ached to console her and keeping his distance had cost him, made him feel more powerless than ever before. Benae had recovered somewhat since the funeral but Ramón believed her composure was fragile. He feared she might break under the strain.

  And now they must confront the prince, or not. He still had not discussed the matter with Benae and as far as Ramón knew, she still intended to reveal their relationship. It would be disastrous. He stretched his neck, the bones clicking back into place. The king and queen had questioned them closely after their return. Beniel was satisfied with their story but Adriana anything but. She seemed convinced they had coupled, if her sly glances were anything to go by. Ramon did not know what, if anything, the queen would do about her suspicion. Perhaps it did not matter; almost certainly not, if Benae ended up revealing their affair to Prince Zialni. He shook his head. What a mess. And how did he feel about Benae? That he did not care to explore. He had never imagined the act of joining could be so wonderful but did that mean he loved her? She seemed convinced of her love for him. A pang of guilt cut through him. His act, nay acts, of the night before last had been brutally disloyal to the prince, Benae’s betrothed, and no matter the outcome, that could not be erased.

  Benae’s wedding gown was safely stowed in a large trunk but would it ever see the light of day? A cord of jealousy curled around his heart at the thought of her walking down the aisle towards the prince. If it came to that he would not stand by and watch his lover marry. He would be long gone, on the road to finding Alecia, and after that, somewhere far from Brightcastle. But did all that mean he loved her, that they could form a life together if a miracle happened? Too many questions!

  Ramón knew he had to tackle his problems one step at a time. First get Benae back to Brightcastle safely, then decide what to do about the prince.

  Benae sighed and laid her head back against the stuffed headrest of the carriage. They would reach Brightcastle later that day. She wished, just for a short time, that she could rid her mind of the swirling thoughts that possessed it. Sleep was the only respite she enjoyed from the crippling anxiety and guilt. She closed her eyes and used the relaxation exercises her father had taught her. Dear Papa had known her better than she knew herself. He knew she wou
ld suffer when he passed and had made her practise relaxation even when she thought she didn’t need it. Oh, how she wished he were still here. She would not be in this position now, but more than that, she missed his sure presence at her side, his calm advice, his patient explanations, his love.

  Tears threatened to spill and Benae pushed the thoughts from her mind. Slowly, she contracted and relaxed her muscles, one area at a time. It did help; the tight bands that ran up the back of her neck and down into her shoulders softened a little. Joletta was hardly helping but she was a necessity. Benae could not travel back to Brightcastle with Ramón and one hundred soldiers without a chaperone. At the start of the trip, the maid had nattered away, hardly needing any response from Benae to keep up the chatter. Benae had politely asked that she only speak when spoken to or if the matter was urgent. Now the woman sat, lips pursed, working at her embroidery loop. She was never rude but it was clear that Benae had deeply offended her. The way Benae felt at the moment, she could not deal with Joletta’s hurt feelings. They would have to be repaired later.

  Ramón had been stiff and aloof in her presence. She did not know how to read that. Was he trying to avoid suspicion or did he truly want to distance himself from her? She loved him! She knew he had feelings for her but were they strong enough for him to take a risk? Their night together had been magical and she yearned to wrap herself around his body again. Adriana was wrong in one thing: coupling with Ramón had not quenched her desire, it had only fired it, confirmed her deep feelings for him. They had connected on a spiritual level and he was an ass if he did not realise it. Damn relaxation exercises! Days of sitting in the carriage, worrying over the future had her stomach churning, made her unfit for company. Flaire felt the same, probably because of her agitation. More than one soldier had commented on his prancing and snorting. Several had advised her not to ride such a flighty beast. Oh, the arrogance of men!

  A wave of love passed through her as she thought of her stallion. His leg had healed brilliantly so far and by the time they reached Brightcastle it would be close to full strength. That was good, for the first thing she intended to do was to take him for a gallop in the meadow. She sent him a mind message of them galloping through long grass and received happy horse sense back. Benae smiled. It was a treasure beyond worth to have this connection with the horse and it had saved Ramón’s life. Ramón! Back to him again. She sighed. Somehow she would make their relationship work.

  The carriage rolled to a halt in the castle forecourt but Benae did not move. She could not bring herself to rise from her seat and descend the stairs, although Joletta stood waiting.

  ‘You may leave the carriage, Joletta.’

  The woman gave a low snort and descended from the conveyance. Ramón appeared in the doorway.

  ‘Come, my lady, let me help you down.’

  His smile was so formal that Benae had to stifle a cry of frustration. ‘My lady, indeed!’ she hissed, turning to face him. ‘I will not allow you to do this, Ramón.’

  ‘Do what? Assist you from this carriage? Surely you have spent enough time in it of late to welcome the journey’s end?’ His big blue eyes were the epitome of innocence. He did not fool her for one second. She knew what he was trying to do and it would not work.

  ‘We cannot turn back the clock, Ramón,’ she said, leaning towards him so her low words would carry. ‘What we did that night cannot be forgotten, by me or you. I will not marry the prince knowing I love you. I think you feel the same.’

  His gaze fell from hers. ‘My feelings are immaterial. If I even understood them, still they would be unimportant.’ His troubled eyes made her queasy. Perhaps she could not be so certain of his love. ‘The prince has first claim upon you and he will not step aside.’

  ‘How little you understand. Jiseve will not want me. I know he will not. And I have some time to devise the exact means to tell him the truth. He will not return for days yet. I will ensure we get what we want.’

  He reached for her hand. ‘Please, Benae, do not do this. Do not tell him. You risk everything if you do. I cannot tell you what you want to hear. You have made a commitment; now you must honour it.’

  ‘You and your honour,’ she said, frustration and fear sharpening her tone. She had been so sure of Ramón’s feelings. Would he have cast away his virginity if he did not feel deeply for her? Perhaps. She had given her maidenhood up for a quick roll in the hayshed with a visiting lord’s son. What had his name been? No matter. At least Ramón had not given his away lightly. He would not soon forget the night they had spent together.

  ‘Please step down, Benae. The servants will gossip.’ Ramón tugged on her hand.

  ‘Is that all you care about? Appearances—’ She froze as a familiar voice sounded outside the carriage.

  ‘Where is she? The pigeons brought news of an attack—’

  Ramón was shoved to the side and the bright light of two flaming torches held by soldiers fell upon her. Benae shielded her eyes but could not miss the sight of her betrothed, face set and sharp gaze analysing her. He drew her from the carriage and pulled her to his chest, clutching her so tightly she could barely breathe. She accepted his embrace but could not bring herself to return it. He let her go and she dropped into a curtsey.

  ‘Your Highness,’ she said.

  The prince drew her to her feet. ‘So formal, Benae. There can be no ceremony between us this night. You are returned to me when I feared all was lost. Word came to me in the north and I cast aside my plans and returned home by the most direct path. I was preparing to ride east to find you.’ His eyes flicked to a point over her shoulder.

  ‘Thank you for returning my lady to me, Squire Ramón,’ Prince Zialni said, his eyes burning. ‘I am in your debt.’

  Benae shivered. Jiseve’s voice was cold. Had he heard the rumours? Perhaps distraction was best.

  ‘I lost Merel,’ Benae said, grief hitting her anew at the mention of her maid. ‘She died defending me against the dark elves. King Beniel granted her a heroine’s funeral.’ Benae closed her eyes, her hands gripped tight before her and took a deep breath. ‘The queen gave me Joletta.’ She pointed to the maid, who curtseyed.

  Prince Zialni’s eyes softened a touch. ‘You have endured much, my love. Come inside and you can tell me what you will.’ Benae again curtseyed to the prince and turned to Ramón. ‘Thank you, squire, for bearing me safely home and for saving my life.’ She could not miss the concern in his eyes.

  ‘Perhaps we will talk of it later, my lady.’ Ramón cast her a look that spoke volumes, then bowed and turned away, leading Flaire to the stables.

  He did not wish for her to reveal their love affair, if love it was for him. He thought to resume his life as squire, find the princess and earn the prince’s undying gratitude. Benae was not part of his plan at all. Yes, they must talk and she must discover if there was hope for their relationship or if it was all one-sided. He would tell her once and for all. If the answer was no, she would marry Jiseve and make the best of it. A bleak shadow engulfed her heart.

  Benae stood in front of the roaring fire, fingers against her lips, her mind on the kiss she had just shared with Jiseve. So much had changed in the short time she had been away. She had been irrevocably altered by Ramón but Benae was certain that Jiseve had expressed more passion, more love in the early days of their relationship than he had just now. It could not just be her perception, could it? How could he have discovered her infidelity or even suspect it? The answer was he could not, because only she and Ramón knew the truth. The change she felt must be all on her side and due to her altered feelings. Could Jiseve sense her withdrawal? Perhaps that was it.

  She had not seen Ramón since their arrival three hours ago and already she missed his steady presence. She must speak with him; must know if they had a chance. Her decision had appeared so certain on the trip home, but now she doubted her squire; doubted he really wanted her and her alone. There was a sound behind her and she spun to find the tapestry, of a beautiful, go
lden-haired queen at her coronation, bulging inwards. Before she could move, Ramón stepped into her chambers.

  ‘Oh, my love,’ she said, and flung herself into his arms. He gathered her close; she could feel his longing for her, sense his confusion. He lowered his head and his mouth captured hers, days of holding in their emotions exploding in one heated, passionate kiss. Ramón pulled away, his breath ragged. Benae clung to his arm. She did not care if she seemed desperate, eager; she was all those things.

  ‘Stay with me. Love me,’ she said.

  ‘We cannot risk it, lady.’

  The distance in his voice belied the agitation that was plain to see. ‘How can you be so controlled? I love you. I cannot stand to be parted from you. I want to know that you feel the same!’ Benae stared at him but as the seconds ticked by and he made no response, fear replaced desire. ‘Ramón?’

  ‘I desire you, but is that love? What I feel for you does not feel pure and innocent; it is a raging fire and I dare not let myself succumb for if I did, I do not think I could walk away. I am holding myself by the barest thread. These days on the road have been agony. I could not keep my eyes from you and yet I knew that if I gazed as I wished to, it would only bring disaster.’

  Benae drank in every word he said, like a thirsty woman in the desert. He did love her. The blazing fire of her love matched his. All would be well. ‘Lie with me. I need your body against mine, within mine.’ She watched the battle inside him and held her breath.

  ‘I cannot,’ he whispered, clutching her upper arms. He pulled her close and kissed her. Benae’s knees went weak and she would have fallen if he had not held her. The kiss deepened, stirring her innermost needs, driving her mad with desire. ‘I will not lie with you again until we are free to love; however that happens. We must do this the correct way now. No more sneaking around.’