In the Midst of It All

by Tiffany L. Warren

  When the first tear dropped from Emil’s big doe eyes onto the table, Zenovia’s own waterworks started.

  “Why would we be having our last conversation right now? Are you breaking up with me?”

  Emil nodded. Zenovia shook her head violently, “Why are you breaking up with me? Is it because I gave it up?”

  “No! It’s Gladys. She said she saw us go into my father’s house and knew that we didn’t come out for hours. She said that she’d go to the Council of Elders if I didn’t break it off with you.”

  “I don’t care about that!”

  “I do. I can’t have them cast you out because of me. You don’t know what it’ll be like. None of your friends, not even your mother, will be allowed to talk to you.”

  “Nothing will stop my mother from talking to me.”

  “But it’s not just that, Zee. I’m corrupting you. You can do better than me.”

  Zenovia took a sip of her soda and said, “I don’t believe this. I really don’t believe this.”

  How convenient it was that Emil decided to care about corrupting her, after he’d already ultimately corrupted her.

  “Plus, my dad… I mean, we take care of ours. If Sienna’s baby is mine, I need to handle my business.”

  Zenovia laughed, but the sound was more sorrowful than amused. “This is a joke, right?”

  “No, Zee. I didn’t lie when I said that I loved you. I do. That’s why I’m listening to my mother and not messing with you anymore.”

  The reality of what he was saying finally sank in, and even though she’d thought this was the inevitable end, it still hurt. She laid her head on the table and sobbed openly, not caring about the strangers staring at her.

  She cried over losing Emil. She cried over losing her virginity. She cried over her own stupidity.

  “Don’t do that, Zee. Don’t cry like that,” Emil said, his own voice still wavering.

  “Just leave, Emil,” Zenovia said through the sobs. “There’s nothing more to say.”

  Emil stood, but instead of walking away he kneeled in front of Zenovia, hugged her midsection, and sobbed into her lap. She found herself stroking his back, trying to comfort him when he was the one who was doing the hurting.

  After he composed himself, Emil said, “I’m so sorry, Zee. I need you to believe me.”

  “I believe you.”

  As if it had just dawned on Emil that his emotional display was completely the opposite of his gangsta facade, he quickly stood to his feet and wiped his eyes. Zenovia stared at him with so much disbelief in her eyes along with her tears. He was supposed to be rebellious with her. They were the anti-drones that were going to let their love win out in the end.

  Right.

  Her Emil, her rebel, thugged-out Emil had let his mother end their relationship.

  She did believe that he was sorry, though. It didn’t change the fact that she’d given him her most precious thing, and he hadn’t deserved it at all. Her purity was ruined and wasted, and it was all for naught.

  Chapter Twenty-two

  After finally bringing the torrential flood of tears under control, Zenovia paged Tristan to pick her up from the mall. She didn’t want to see him any more than she wanted to continue her conversation with Emil, but she needed to get home, and the twenty-degree January weather wasn’t very inviting for riding the bus.

  She rushed through the steadily falling snowflakes and jumped into Tristan’s car. The cold wind turned her cheeks red which, thankfully, masked the streaks that her tears left.

  “That was quick!” Tristan said. “I wasn’t expecting to hear from you for a few hours.”

  Zenovia nodded and gave Tristan a tiny smile. She hesitated to open her mouth to speak, afraid that her voice would crack and reveal her distress.

  “So… did you eat something?”

  Zenovia shook her head. She almost lost it when she thought of her and Emil’s usual mall food court meal. They’d always shared a big messy tray of chili fries and a large cherry slush. She swallowed hard, but was unable to dislodge the knot in her throat.

  “Are you hungry?” Tristan asked.

  She felt a small tear leak from one of her eyes. She shook her head quickly, wishing that Tristan would just be quiet.

  “Zee…”

  “Don’t.”

  Zenovia was only able to utter that one word before she broke down again. This time there were no sobs, just a flood of tears.

  Tristan pulled his car over and parked on the street. Zenovia was relieved that he didn’t try to comfort her. She didn’t want to be comforted by him.

  As she sobbed, she silently prayed. God, I feel too ashamed to speak with you right now. It took Emil breaking up with me to even feel sad about being disobedient to you. I deliberately sinned against you and now I’m here crying. I just hope that you’re patient with me, even though I don’t have the right to ask for patience. I pray that you’re merciful, though I don’t have the right to ask for mercy. I love you, Lord, and I’m sorry for what I’ve done.

  “Are you sure you want to do this?” Tristan asked as he pulled into the driveway of his house. “Maybe you need some time to think about it.”

  After her prayer, Zenovia knew what she needed to do. She had to confess her reckless sins with Emil. She had to somehow make things right again. And confessing her sins seemed to be the first step.

  “No, Tristan. I need to do this now. Isn’t confession part of what we believe as the Brethren?”

  Tristan nodded. “Yes, of course, but not everyone does it. Some people are content to just confess their sins to God and be through with it.”

  “Are you telling me to go against what we believe?” Zenovia asked.

  “I’m telling you to think about it before you do it, Zee. I’m telling you to think of the consequences.”

  “What could be worse than losing my salvation, Tristan?”

  Tristan stared down at his hands. “Zee, I don’t know what you’ve done, but I do know that the Brethren will not go easy on you.”

  “What do you mean, go easy?” Zenovia asked, confusion etching lines into her forehead. “I don’t want anyone to go easy on me. I just want to confess, have God forgive me, and move on with the rest of my life.”

  “I think you should confess, Zee, but I don’t want to lose you.”

  Zenovia blinked back a tear caused by Tristan’s sudden sentimentality. “You’re not going to lose me.”

  Tristan sighed. “Do you know that serving the Brethren is the most important thing in my life?”

  “Yes, I know that.”

  “Well, when I tell you that I will lose you behind this, I’m not being dramatic. I’m saying that if you do this, things will never be the same between us.”

  Zenovia shook her head. She should’ve assumed this much without Tristan saying a word. If he was too worried about what the Brethren would say about him loaning her his suit jacket, of course he wouldn’t want to be associated with a sinner. Especially not a sinful, loose girl who might hurt his chances of serving at the Brethren headquarters.

  But it didn’t matter. Her confession was not about Tristan or even the Brethren. It was about God. She’d just poured her heart out in prayer, and believed that she needed to take it a step further.

  “Tristan, I need to do this. I think your father is the only one I could tell about this.”

  Tristan sighed. “All right, Zenovia. I’m going to pray that this is the right decision.”

  “It is the right decision, Tristan. I can feel it.”

  Chapter Twenty-three

  Zenovia heard the doorbell followed by the knock on their front door, but made absolutely no effort to get out of her bed to answer it. After the forced break up with Emil, she had retreated to her bedroom, only leaving for school, meals, and to use the bathroom.

  Between bouts of tears, she prayed and thought about calling Emil. She was desperately fighting the urge to call him, and she died a thousand deaths checking her buzzing pager
and hoping that it was Emil. The blouse that she wore during their break-up meeting was draped across her pillow, because it held Emil’s scent.

  Confessing her sins to Brother Batiste had not had the desired effect. Zenovia had hoped to feel as if a burden had been lifted, but it was quite the opposite. Tristan’s father had been very cold and clinical, taking notes as if he was a court stenographer recording the confession of a murderer.

  She had not left their home feeling renewed or refreshed. To the contrary, she’d felt soiled and damaged. Tristan was not allowed to drive her home or even to say goodbye to her as she left. She was driven home in silence by Sister Batiste. The woman who helped plan Audrey’s wedding didn’t even wait until Zenovia got into the house before burning rubber to get away.

  She was told by Brother Batiste that the confession was not the end, and that more of the Council of Elders would be contacting her soon. So instead of feeling closer to God for confessing her sins, she felt apprehensive and terrified.

  She listened to the voices in the living room after the doorbell stopped ringing and the knocking ceased.

  She heard Audrey open the door and say a greeting. “Hey, Brother Bryce! Phillip didn’t tell me you were coming over. I would’ve cooked something.”

  “Hello there, Audrey,” Bryce Goodman replied. “Phillip didn’t know we were dropping by.”

  “He didn’t?” Audrey asked. “Then why are y’all here?”

  Bryce replied, “We’re here to see Zenovia. Is she here?”

  Zenovia sat straight up in her bed. She hadn’t known that someone would come to their home to further interrogate her. She hadn’t mentioned any of this to Audrey. Not her fornication with Emil, or her subsequent confession to Brother Batiste.

  She felt a deep rumble in the pit of her stomach.

  “Zee!” Audrey called from the living room. “You’ve got company.”

  Zenovia looked in her mirror and dabbed the tears from her face with a tissue. Then, she walked into the living room with hesitation in her steps. Bryce and another one of the Council of Elders were seated on their leather sectional.

  “Hello, Zenovia,” Bryce said.

  “Hi.”

  “Do you know Brother Wilkinson?”

  Zenovia shook her head. “Why are you here?”

  Bryce held his hand out to the couch. “Have a seat. We’re just here to talk to you for a bit about what you told Brother Batiste. Is that okay?”

  Zenovia said nothing in response, but sat down next to Bryce. He continued, “You confessed that you were intimate with Emil Buchanon, but you didn’t give any details.”

  “Details?”

  “Yes. We’ll need details in order to know if we should schedule an elder tribunal.”

  Zenovia gave incredulous glances to each of the men. She had no intention of answering any questions until she looked over into the kitchen at Audrey. Her mother was clearly nervous, wringing her hands and pacing back and forth.

  “Is there reason for us to call an elder tribunal?” Bryce asked.

  Zenovia raised an eyebrow at the man. He seemed way too excited about the very idea of calling the elder tribunal. He sat on the edge of the couch holding a pen and notebook and licking his lips.

  “Well, I don’t know the reasons for calling an elder tribunal, Brother Goodman, so you’re going to have to fill me in.”

  Brother Wilkinson responded, “Any improper sexual activities would require an elder tribunal.”

  “Have you all talked to Emil?” Zenovia asked.

  Bryce asked, “Why? So you can corroborate your stories?”

  “No. I was just curious,” said Zenovia. She could feel her temperature rise, but for Audrey’s sake, she tried to keep her cool.

  “Well, for your information, we’re not authorized to approach Emil. He isn’t baptized as one of the Brethren,” Brother Wilkinson stated. He was clearly the less bloodthirsty of the two.

  “What happens if I refuse to answer you?” Zenovia asked.

  “Then we will assume that you were committing fornication. We will also assume that since you refused to tell us that you have absolutely no remorse or repentance…”

  “… And you will be cast out at the next Bible study,” Brother Wilkinson said.

  “Just like that?”

  Bryce nodded slowly. “Exactly like that.”

  Zenovia weighed her options. Immediately being cast out of the Brethren meant no more friendship with her best friend Tristan and no more letters from Justin. It meant that Audrey would be embarrassed in front of all her new Brethren friends.

  Did it mean that she’d be cast away from God? She didn’t know, but as much as she doubted that it was true, she didn’t want to take any chances.

  Zenovia deeply inhaled; calmly exhaled. “I suppose you need to call your elder tribunal.”

  In the kitchen, Audrey howled. It was painful for Zenovia to listen to her making that noise and knowing that it was because of her sin.

  Looking satisfied, Bryce got to his feet. “Zenovia, we’ll contact you with further information. I have an appointment.”

  He and Brother Wilkinson started toward the door, but Bryce touched Zenovia on her shoulder before walking away. She recoiled from his touch, but it was too late.

  “I can’t leave her. You know that,” Bryce roars at the woman in the red coat.

  “Well, then, I’m getting married to Scott. He loves me.”

  Bryce grabs the woman by her arm. “Don’t even think about it, Leah. I won’t let it happen.”

  Leah says, “I have to, Bryce. I’m pregnant with your baby. I’ll be cast out if I don’t have a husband.”

  Bryce paces the sidewalk and throws his arms into the air. “So what if you get cast out? Then we can be together and there won’t be another man raising my child!”

  “You want me to be cast out? Well, let’s confess and get cast out together.”

  “I can’t do that, Leah.”

  Leah slaps Bryce across the face, “You selfish bastard.”

  Zenovia shivered. She glared at Bryce and said, “Tell Leah I said hello.”

  Bryce’s face turned a ghastly shade of ash. He replied, “Brenda. My wife’s name is Brenda.”

  “I know.”

  Chapter Twenty-four

  How could you?” Audrey wailed.

  She was still standing in the middle of the kitchen, even though Bryce and company had been gone for half an hour. Zenovia felt that it was time to tell Audrey about her and Emil in case she found out from one of the Brethren.

  “How could I what?”

  “How could you get in trouble, Zee? I’ve been so proud of you!”

  Audrey’s words felt like punches. “I’m sorry, Mom.”

  “Now Phillip is going to trip! He’s gonna want to put you out of his house when you get cast out!”

  “When I get cast out?”

  “Yes, when! I’ve seen it, Zenovia. God gave me a vision.”

  Zenovia frowned. So even if she had this tribunal with the Council of Elders, she was still going to be cast out.

  So what was the point?

  She paged Emil 911. There was no way she was calling his house when Gladys had decided it was her duty to inform the Brethren of her indiscretion.

  The phone rang less than a minute after she sent the page.

  “What’s up, Zee? What’s the emergency?”

  “Um… I just wanted to tell you that I have to go before an elder tribunal.”

  There was silence on the line.

  “Emil, are you there?” Zenovia asked.

  “Yes, I’m here, Zee. Why do you have to meet with the Council of Elders?”

  “I confessed to Brother Batiste, about us sleeping together, and I guess they want more details now.”

  “My mother is going to kill me,” Emil hissed.

  “Is that all you care about? Don’t you care what God might do?”

  Emil sighed. “Right now, I’m more afraid of my mother than Go
d. Gladys swings a mean frying pan.”

  “Well, I just wanted to tell you, Emil, in case anyone questions you.”

  “They won’t. They can’t punish me for anything, so they won’t waste their time.”

  Was it only about punishment? The more Zenovia shared her decision to confess with others, the more it felt like she’d made a grave decision. But how could doing the right thing come back to haunt her? She didn’t believe that God worked that way.

  She believed there were rewards for doing the right thing.

  Emil said, “I’m sorry about the elder tribunal. Do you want me to say it was my fault? I’ll do that, you know.”

  “No, Emil. You’ve done enough.”

  Chapter Twenty-five

  Zenovia’s chest heaved up and down. She was sure that the three men sitting in front of her could hear her heart beating, because to her it sounded like an entire marching band drum line was playing in her ear. They were in the library of the Devotion Center, and although it was a nippy early spring day outside, the temperature inside the room was stifling hot.

  Bryce Goodman smiled at her. Zenovia got the impression that there was some nervousness behind his grin. She couldn’t blame him for that, though. She had intentionally spooked him about his mistress.

  Zenovia had no plans to reveal his indiscretion, though. How could she? Would she just tell everyone that she’d had a vision that Bryce Goodman had a pregnant mistress? Zenovia knew that no one would believe her after her own sordid confession.

  “Zenovia, if you cooperate, this shouldn’t take long at all,” Bryce said.

  Brother Wilkinson added, “It’s unfortunate that we are here with you only a few months after your baptism.”

  The other member of the tribunal was Brother Jennings. He said, “Most of the time, the newly baptized are more zealous. It keeps them from returning to their former lives of sin.”

  “None of that matters now,” Bryce said. “Because we’re here and we have to handle this matter. I will ask the questions and these two brothers here will take notes, so that we can be sure to have an accurate account.”