Until Now

by Rebecca Phillips

  I nodded, hot tears prickling behind my eyes. “Okay,” I said.

  “August twenty-second,” Steve said. “That’ll give you lots of time to find a place and get settled in before school starts. Fair?”

  I nodded again, unable to speak. It was more than fair, and more than I deserved. “Thank you. Thank you both. I—” I stared into my coffee, blinking fast. “I’m so sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Ever since the twins—”

  “Stop using the twins as an excuse,” Taylor broke in. Her voice was like a whip, slicing into me. “You’ve been doing that for years. You went off the rails when you were seventeen after you found out your mother was pregnant with them, and now you’re doing it again because they’re gone. You can’t base your behavior—good or bad or otherwise—on them. How you act is on you. When are you going to figure that out?” She got up and hastily pushed her chair in. “I have to get to work.”

  Cheeks burning, I kept my head down as she said good-bye to her father and stepmother and then left through the deck door, slamming it shut behind her. I glanced up to see Steve and Lynn exchange a solemn look, and that was when the full extent of what I’d done hit me. It had finally happened, the one thing I’d spent the last three years trying to avoid: I’d become a disappointment to the people who mattered to me most.

  “I have to get ready for work, too,” I said, gathering my untouched coffee and transferring it to the sink. Each tiny motion set off starbursts of pain in my eye sockets, but I endured it. Welcomed it, even. “Thank you,” I repeated, forcing myself to face them, to look into their eyes. “For giving me another chance. I won’t screw it up this time. I promise.”

  Steven’s face softened at my words, but Lynn’s shrewd expression didn’t falter. “We know you’re going through a rough time right now, so we’re not going to throw you out on the street,” she said. “But next time, Robin, you won’t get another chance. You’ll be gone before the hangover even sets in.”

  I swallowed. Ouch. But I welcomed that, too, because given the choice between compliance and homelessness, I definitely preferred the former.

  * * *

  I spent the rest of the weekend with my head down, quietly moving from work to my room to work again, with little in between. I ate by myself, cleaned up after myself, and generally just stayed out of everyone’s way. Taylor was still mad at me, and after the third time I approached her, desperate to mend things, she asked me to give her some time. I agreed, then slinked back into my self-imposed isolation.

  Ryan needed time too, or so I assumed. He hadn’t answered any of the texts I’d sent him, asking for a chance to explain. Maybe, I thought as I lay wide awake in bed on Saturday night, he was still with Chelsea, discussing the pros and cons of getting back together. Or maybe they already were back together, and celebrating their reunification by—

  I kicked off my blankets, suddenly overheated. No. I couldn’t even think about that.

  When Monday afternoon arrived and I still hadn’t heard from him—not even after I’d skipped Sunday dinner at his parents’ house, which I was sure would’ve prompted some form of contact—I gathered my nerve and drove across town to Margins after work. The store was always especially dead on Monday afternoons, so I knew we’d have some privacy to talk. Also, ambushing him at his workplace was probably the only way I’d convince him to see me.

  As predicted, the bookstore was empty of customers when I walked in. Ryan wasn’t at the cash, but I could hear his footsteps approaching from the back as the door clicked shut behind me. Seconds later he appeared, his features shifting from expectant to stony once he realized it was me.

  “Hi,” I said, drinking him in greedily. He looked about as exhausted as I felt, the light in his eyes dulling to a flat, mistrustful glare at the sight of me.

  “I’m working,” he said, then backtracked, heading into the stacks. I sprinted forward, catching up to him in Science Fiction and closing my fingers around his arm. He immediately pulled free, holding his hands up as if warning me to stay away. I took a step back.

  “Five minutes,” I begged. “Just give me five minutes. Let me explain. Please.”

  He rested his back against the shelf behind him, positioning himself as far away from me as possible in such a small space. “There’s nothing to explain. It’s pretty simple, actually. You’re not the person I thought you were.”

  I flinched as if he’d kicked me. This was the most painful thing I’d heard yet, maybe because it was also the most accurate. “No,” I said. “You’re right. And I’m sorry for letting you believe I was something I’m not. I’m sorry for deceiving you and your family. But what happened the other night, at Fusion—”

  “You don’t need to tell me what happened.” He folded his arms tightly over his chest. “I was there, remember? I saw.”

  “But you didn’t see everything.”

  He shook his head, his mouth twisting in disgust. “It’s a good thing I didn’t, or else I’d probably be in jail right now for pushing that douchebag in front of a bus.”

  “That’s not what I meant,” I said, slightly heartened by the fact that he still cared enough about me to want to inflict bodily harm on Cody. “You didn’t see what happened before, in the club, when I was trying to get away from him. Or when his girlfriend showed up and threw her drink at me. What you saw outside…that was me trying to leave. Nothing happened between me and that guy, Ryan, or any other guy since you and I got together. I haven’t—I’d never cheat on you.”

  “Nic saw you,” he said through gritted teeth, his skin reddening with anger. “She saw you last night, saw him putting his hands all over you. She saw you with him a few weeks ago too, and that was after we’d gotten together. She told me exactly what day it was. You were there with him one fucking night after you were here, with me, on that couch right over there. So don’t give me that nothing happened bullshit. You think I’m going to believe you over my own sister?”

  “I’m not calling your sister a liar,” I said, my voice rising to meet his. “She did see me with him, but it wasn’t like that. I wasn’t there with him. I’m not dating him. I don’t want him. I’ve never slept with him. He’s just some guy who cheats on his girlfriend and can’t keep his hands to himself. He’s no one. He’s nothing.”

  “Then why were you dancing with him and letting him touch you? Why did you walk out of here on Friday when we weren’t even through talking, then ignore my texts and head straight for some nightclub so you could get drunk and rub up on some other guy?”

  My vision swam, causing his face to blend into the rows of books behind him, and the next words erupted from my mouth like water from a geyser, loud and turbulent. “Because I was upset! Because the thought of you and Mason spending time with Chelsea drove me so insane that I couldn’t even think straight. Okay? There. Now you know. I’m jealous of your ex-wife. I’m scared you’re going to go back to her. I’m scared I’m never going to see my brother and sister again. I’m scared all the damn time, just like you, except sometimes I try to smother it with vodka. Wrong, I know, but there it is. I don’t know what else I can say.”

  He stared at me for a few moments, his chest rising and falling under his arms. The ice in his eyes had melted a little, but his skin was still flushed. “I’m not going back to Chelsea,” he said, his voice lowering to its regular pitch. “I don’t trust her anymore, and I can’t be with someone who I don’t trust.”

  He looked right into my eyes as he said this, and I knew he wasn’t just talking about Chelsea. Still. Now that the floodgates were open, I didn’t want to back down. “Even if she’s the mother of your son?”

  “Even then.”

  “Well, what if she wants custody of Mason?” I asked, my heart stuttering at the thought of her taking him, ripping him away from Ryan and Jane and everything he loved. “If she took him back to Hyde Creek, wouldn’t you move back there too, to be closer to him?”

  “I’m not moving back there, and she doesn’t wan
t custody of Mason.”

  “How do you know? Did she tell you that at mini-golf on Saturday?”

  “I know because she wasn’t at mini-golf on Saturday,” he said. “She didn’t show up.”

  For a moment, I forgot we were fighting. “What?”

  “Her parents said she wasn’t ready.” He turned to the side and scanned the line of books at his eye level, searching for discrepancies. It drove him crazy when people took books out and then put them away in random spots. “I think she just chickened out. She’ll probably never be ready to face him. Or me, for that matter.”

  I let out a breath. Even though Chelsea’s failure to show up was unconceivable and sad and whatever other terms could be used to describe a mother who’d bailed on seeing her only child, I felt a rush of selfish relief. He hadn’t been with her. They weren’t back together. She clearly didn’t want Mason fulltime if she wasn’t even up to spending two hours with him. They weren’t going anywhere.

  But the look in Ryan’s eyes when he turned back to me and saw the relief painted all over my face was anything but comforting. “That makes you happy?” he asked coldly. “My son having a mother who will probably always let him down? Because I’d think that you, of all people, would know how damaging that can be.”

  He walked away, toward the front of the store, leaving me in the stacks with my skin on fire. God. I didn’t even have to say anything to piss someone off. I could do it with a simple facial expression now. Collecting myself, I went after him and found him sitting behind the cash, staring darkly out the window. Outside, the sun beat down on the road, glinting off the chrome of passing cars and the occasional shard of broken glass on the asphalt.

  “I’m sorry,” I said, standing in front of him, the counter between us. “Of course it doesn’t make me happy. It’s just…I’d miss you if something happened to make you leave. You and Mason.”

  He glanced at me once and then went right back to peering out the window, his expression blank and closed off. Something had happened, obviously, and he wasn’t ready to accept my side of the story and forgive me for it.

  “I have inventory to do,” he said, still not meeting my eyes.

  I stood there for another minute, silently watching him, waiting for him to look at me and tell me that he’d changed his mind, that inventory could wait. That everything could wait, until we made things right again. But he didn’t, so I turned around and left.

  My tears held until I was safely inside my car. Then, with no one around to hear me, I finally let go, alternately crying and cursing as everything pressed down at once, overwhelming me. I’d gone back on almost every promise I’d ever made to myself. I’d run headlong into all the things I’d worked so hard to steer clear of. I’d failed the twins and my best friend, my only motivations for staying on track. I’d gotten involved with a single dad in spite of my policy against dating them, then quickly messed it up. I’d lost his trust and his respect, and even worse than that—and even though I’d vowed never to be the woman to do it—I’d ended up breaking his heart.

  Chapter 26

  The next week passed in a haze of waiting…waiting for Taylor to decide she was ready to make up, waiting for a text from Ryan, waiting to find an apartment that was both suitable and affordable on my salary and the small living allowance I’d gotten from student loan.

  By the end of the week, I’d almost given up on any of these things ever happening.

  On Monday evening, exactly a week after the final blow-up with Ryan, I was just about to head out for my mid-shift break when the door swung open and Jane Monahan walked into Bay Street Fitness.

  Oh God, I thought, coercing my feet to move forward. Was she here to tell me off for how I’d treated her son? Wade tolerated a lot from me, but engaging in a verbal fight with a sixty-year-old woman in front of the reception desk would probably cross a line.

  “Hi,” I said when I reached her. She looked tanned and summery in white linen capris and a lime-colored blouse that made her eyes look more green than hazel. I realized suddenly that I’d missed her, even though it had only been two weeks since we’d last seen each other.

  Jane nodded at me, then glanced around. “This gym is nicer than the one in the mall downtown,” she said in greeting.

  “My boss would love to hear you say that.” I gestured behind me to Wade, who’d just emerged from his office and was stalking off into the gym area. Jane’s eyes widened at the sight of his bulging muscles.

  “Goodness,” she said, staring. If I hadn’t been so nervous, I would’ve laughed and probably teased her.

  “I’m just heading out to pick up some dinner,” I said instead.

  “Perfect. We’ll go to that sub place across the street.”

  I hated the sub place across the street, but clearly I had no choice in the matter. She threaded her arm through mine and directed me toward the door and outside. She was freakishly strong for an older women.

  In the sub shop, we ordered and then sat at a small table with our food. Jane bit into her roast beef sub and grimaced.

  “This is terrible,” she said after swallowing.

  I said nothing, just nibbled on my veggie sub, the only thing here that didn’t come with a substantial risk of food poisoning.

  “Okay, I’m just going to be blunt here,” Jane said, pushing the offending sub away and clasping her hands in front of her. I stiffened. Though I’d never experienced it firsthand, I’d heard about mothers whose claws came out when someone messed with one of their kids. “I don’t know exactly what happened between you and Ryan, but—”

  “He didn’t tell you?” I cut in, unable to help myself.

  “Not everything. When he’s hurting, he keeps it to himself. He always has.”

  My throat constricted, making it impossible for me to swallow the mushy clump of tomato in my mouth. He’s hurting. I hurt him. “Nicole didn’t mention anything?” I said when I finally managed to gulp it down.

  “Nicole tends to overdramatize.” She waved a hand, dismissing this. “As I was saying,” she continued, giving me a quelling look in case I was thinking about interrupting her again. “I don’t know what happened between you two, but that’s fine. It’s not my business. I just hope whatever it is didn’t scare you away from the rest of us. You haven’t shown up for dinner for the past two Sundays.”

  “I didn’t think…I mean, Ryan and I—”

  “Not my business,” she repeated, cutting me off this time. “I can’t say I’m overly pleased with you for hurting him. He’s still so vulnerable. Everything he went through these past few years with Chelsea…” She gazed off into the distance, watching the scuzzy-looking guy behind the counter slap together a foot-long for the next poor customer. “She did a real number on him, you know. Maybe it was too soon for him to fall in love again.”

  A sip of diet Coke slid down my windpipe, making me cough. Did she just say fall in love?

  “Anyway,” Jane went on, meeting my eyes again. “It’s unfortunate that you two had a falling out, but that doesn’t mean you’re banned from our house, Robin. I invited you over that first time because I knew you needed family. A support system. That hasn’t changed.”

  The steely, determined look in her eyes pinned me to my seat, and I knew she must’ve been a fantastic guidance counselor before she retired. She knew exactly what to say to disarm me.

  “Okay,” I said, still thrown over the fall in love comment.

  “Great. So you’re still coming to our anniversary party on Saturday, then.”

  I backtracked, trying to figure out how Jane and Graham’s anniversary party fit into this conversation. “I guess. If everyone…wants me to.”

  “Of course we do.” She glanced at her watch and then got to her feet, leaving her barely-touched sub on the table. “Party starts at two. We’ll see you then.”

  I thought of Nicole, who would surely drown me in the punchbowl the first chance she got. And Ryan, who probably didn’t want me there any more than hi
s sister did. Then I thought of Mason…those irresistible brown curls, that half-dimpled smile, the comforting little-boy scent that always lessened some of the ache in my heart.

  “Yeah,” I said to Jane as she turned away, her mission here complete. “See you then.”

  * * *

  It took me ten minutes to find a parking spot near the Monahans’ car-filled driveway, and then another five minutes to walk to the house from where I’d parked. By the time I actually made it into the backyard, where dozens of people stood or sat in lawn chairs on the grass, I felt like I was about to throw up all over my cute yellow sundress.

  I stood off to the side, near the gate in the privacy fence, and nervously glanced around. Going by the turn-out, Jane and Graham had a lot of friends and family, all of whom were now drinking and laughing and glistening under the hot sun. I felt like I did the first time I’d shown up here for dinner—like a mutant stray who’d been dragged in off the streets. Only this time I had even more eyes on me, most notably the forty-something man standing a few feet away, whose gaze was devouring my body like I was one of the pieces of meat currently smoldering on the grill. This spurred me to move forward, away from the fence and toward the deck.

  “Robin!”

  The knot in my stomach loosened a bit when I saw Jane step out onto the deck, her skin glowing against the white fabric of her wrap dress. She headed right for me, leaning in to give me a light hug and thank me for coming. When she pulled back, I handed her the card I’d brought.

  “Happy anniversary,” I said just as Mason burst out the deck door, adorably dressed in khaki shorts and a blue plaid shirt. Ryan followed a few seconds later, looking equally as cute but in an entirely different way. He’d gotten more tanned since the last time I’d seen him, like he’d actually spent some time outdoors, in the sun, instead of holed up in the dingy bookstore for hours on end. His pale blue eyes stood out even more against the bronze shade of his skin.