Until Now

by Rebecca Phillips

  I hadn’t laid eyes on him in twelve long days, since our fight at the bookstore, and looking at him now was almost painful. He must have felt something similar, because all he did was nod at me once and then turn away, sinking into an empty patio chair next to Kenji, who held a conked-out Ellie in his arms. Ryan initiated a conversation with his brother-in-law, ignoring me completely, and once again I felt like an outcast. It had been a mistake, coming here.

  “Sit down,” Jane said. Oblivious to the tension between Ryan and me, she steered me over to a just-vacated lawn chair near the deck. “I’ll get you a cold drink.”

  “I’ll get it,” I said, urging her toward the lawn chair instead. “It’s your anniversary. Sit down and relax.”

  She gave a tinkling laugh and replied, “When have I ever done that?” But she sat down anyway, fanning her face with her hand and smiling at the gray-haired lady stationed in the chair beside her. “Okay, I suppose I could have a little chat with Rhonda here.”

  I left her with Rhonda and climbed the stairs to the deck, avoiding Ryan’s gaze as I passed by him on my way to the door. Inside, the kitchen was dark and cool, the counters and table littered with typical barbecue paraphernalia like napkins and plates and cutlery. I opened the fridge, in search of diet Coke, and was greeted by stacks of casserole dishes and plastic-wrapped meat, awaiting its turn on the grill. And a shelf stuffed full with alcohol.

  Beer, wine, coolers…the sight was a veritable candy store to me at the moment. Just one. Just one bottle of beer or one glass of wine would help me get through this. It would ease the pain in my stomach that flared whenever my gaze landed on Ryan. I hadn’t touched a drop since that horrible night at Fusion two weeks ago, but now, with temptation right in front of me, I could feel my resolve weakening.

  Someone entered the kitchen then, snapping me out of my trance. Swiftly, I reached for a can of Coke instead and turned around, expecting to see another stranger passing through on their way back from the bathroom. My spine stiffened when I realized it was Nicole.

  She noticed me standing there and paused, her eyes taking on that same icy gleam I saw in Ryan’s when he caught me with Cody. “What are you doing here?” she demanded, like I’d sneaked through the window like an intruder, here to steal the silverware.

  “Your, uh, your mom,” I said, feeling the Coke can crinkle slightly under my grip. “She invited me.”

  Her blond eyebrows shot up in surprise, then furrowed again as she studied me. “Hmm,” she said, and that one sound told me everything—she hadn’t known I was coming, she didn’t agree with her mother’s choice, and she wished she were closer to the knife block on the counter beside me. “And you actually showed up. Bold decision on your part.”

  If by bold she meant stupid, then I had to agree. “Thanks?” I said, unsure of her intentions. She looked like she wanted to do what she’d threatened weeks ago—injure my spleen and then the rest of me for good measure—but Nicole was nothing if not unpredictable.

  “It wasn’t a compliment,” she said coolly. “My mother might be the neutral-minded compassionate type, but I’m not.”

  She continued on her way across the kitchen and stepped outside, leaving me alone in front of the still-open fridge. Hesitating for half a second, I replaced the can of Coke in its spot on the door and grabbed a bottle of Corona instead. With me, temptation almost always won out.

  Beer in hand, I headed back outside. Ryan and Kenji had disappeared from the deck, replaced by two women I’d never seen before. Jane and Graham were now holding court in the yard, entertaining some guests with stories about their wedding day, thirty-five years ago. Nicole was among them, a slight smile on her face as she listened to her parents reminisce. Then she glanced up, catching me watching her, and the smile wilted into a scowl.

  I stood there on the deck and sipped my beer, wondering where I should go. Or if I should go. Just because Jane had steamrolled me into coming here didn’t mean I had to stay, right? While I debated, one of the women seated on the patio chairs got up and approached me. She looked about Jane’s age. Probably one of her friends. “You must be Ryan’s girlfriend,” she said, smiling at me and holding out her hand. “It’s so nice to meet you. Jane speaks of you often.”

  “Oh, um…” I shook her hand briefly. “It’s nice to meet you too. Excuse me, I was just about to…” I gestured toward the yard and the woman retreated with an understanding wave. I left the safety of the deck, even though I didn’t feel comfortable or welcome enough to join in on any conversations taking place on the lawn.

  After a few minutes of wandering aimlessly, I came across an empty chair and sat down, wedging my almost-empty beer between my leg and the arm rest. Appetizers were making the rounds, but my stomach felt too tight to accept anything but liquid. Jane’s friend’s words echoed in my head as I drained the rest of my Corona. Ryan’s girlfriend. I couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment I’d gone from someone he liked to kiss to someone important enough to earn that particular title, but that was what I’d become. His girlfriend. And he’d been my boyfriend, until I fucked it all up and regressed our relationship status back to “nothing” again.

  I scanned my surroundings until I found him, standing by the patch of bushes at the opposite end of the yard and chatting with the man who’d ogled me earlier. He had his back to me, so he didn’t notice my staring. And I was so focused on watching him that I didn’t notice Mason until he was right beside me, his hand tapping my leg.

  “Robin, I fell down and hurt my elbow,” he said in a small voice, his bottom lip quivering like he was trying to keep it together in front of all these people.

  “You did?” I examined the elbow in question, which was red and scraped but not bleeding. I blew on his skin to get rid of any dirt that may have clung there and then kissed it lightly. “There,” I said, smiling at him. “All better.”

  He sniffled and reached his arms up for a hug, either in thanks or because he’d just realized he hadn’t seen me in a while and missed me. Either way, I was happy to cuddle him against my shoulder and rest my cheek against his soft curls. He wrapped his arms around my neck, almost choking me, but that was fine too. I’d needed a hug just as much as he did.

  “It doesn’t hurt anymore,” he said, then pulled away and ran back over to Isaac and a few other kids who belonged to various guests. I watched him go, already missing the warm, sweaty sturdiness of him in my arms.

  As usual, whenever I was around Mason and Isaac or any other child in that age group, my thoughts strayed to Drake and Lila. They’d been gone for three months now. Three long months of not holding their hands, or hearing their voices, or kissing them goodnight. Now that I was alone again, without the sanctuary of Ryan’s arms and the comfort of Mason’s frequent presence, I missed the twins with every breath, every heartbeat. These days, I felt the same as I did after they’d just left, lost and lonely and anxious to see their faces again.

  God, I thought as I watched Mason, grinning and laughing as he chased his cousin across the grass. When was the last time I’d called the grandparents and begged to speak to my brother and sister? When did I get so sidetracked that I’d stopped even trying?

  Guilt prickled through me, the sudden, harsh strength of it jolting me to my feet. I had to call them again, and it needed to happen right here, right now, before this burst of fortitude had a chance to desert me.

  I grabbed my purse and tramped across the grass, my gaze focused solely on the gate in the distance. When I reached it, I slipped through and continued to the front yard, stopping under the giant maple tree near the road. With one hand pressed to the tree’s scaly bark, I brought out my phone, scrolled through my contacts to the grandparents’ number, and hit call.

  After ringing for what felt like twenty times but was probably just three or four, I heard a click and then a voice, high-pitched and familiar. “Hello.”

  Oh my God. My eyes immediately filled with tears. “Lila?” I said, exhaling the word like a breath. “Li
la, it’s me. It’s Robin.” There was a long, agonizing pause, during which I didn’t breathe or blink. “Are you there? Lila?”

  A loud clunking sound reverberated through the phone, followed by a distant, piercing wail. A second wail started soon after, harmonizing with hers, and the tenor of this one was recognizably Drake’s. My fingers tightened around the phone. “Lila?” I said again, my voice edging toward shrill. What the hell was going on over there? Why were they both screaming like that?

  The horrible sound drew closer, and just as I was about to call my sister’s name again, there was a loud click in my ear. Both screams abruptly ended, leaving behind nothing but dead air. We’d been cut off before I could even speak to them, or figure out what was going on. Just like that, they were gone. Again.

  I yanked the phone away from my ear and hit redial, but it rang and rang, eventually going to voice mail. Cursing, I jabbed at the end call button and contemplated hurling my phone to the ground, but stopped myself at the last minute. Instead, I leaned back against the maple tree, legs trembling beneath me, and started formulating a plan. Less than a minute later, it was decided.

  I was going to get into my car and drive there. Today. Right now.

  It was time to bring them home.

  Chapter 27

  I didn’t make it more than a few feet down the sidewalk before someone called my name. I turned around, my vision distorted by tears, and saw the familiar outline of Ryan heading toward me. I spun back around and kept walking, but he slipped in front of me, forcing me to stop.

  “What’s wrong?” he said, his eyes searching my face. “What happened back there? I heard you on the phone. Why were you calling your sister’s name like that?”

  I tried to move past him, focused solely on getting to my car a few yards away. Moving in front of me again, he grasped my arms and held me in place.

  “I have to go,” I said, trying to tug free. My breath came in short puffs, making my head swim. I’d never had an anxiety attack before, but going by the flood of panic in my limbs, I was experiencing one right now.

  Seeing the single-minded determination on my face, Ryan dropped his hands from my arms and stepped back. I barely looked at him before continuing on to my car. He caught up to me again, matching my stride.

  “Where are you going?”

  I ignored him. I could see my car now, sparkling under the sunlight in the distance.

  “Robin,” he said, stepping into my path and cutting me off. “You can’t leave like this. You’re upset, and you’ve been drinking.”

  I shot him a glare. Why wouldn’t he just let me go? “I had one beer, Ryan.”

  “Still…” He examined my face again, which I assumed was smeared with eye makeup and tears. “You shouldn’t drive right now.”

  My breathing grew even shallower and I started to tremble. Ryan noticed and grabbed hold of my arm again, steadying me. “I have to,” I said through the sudden roaring in my ears. “I have to go see the twins.”

  “Why? What happened? Tell me.”

  I shook my head and pulled my arm free, stumbling away. My car was right there. I reached into my purse for my keys.

  “Robin, stop.”

  The firmness in his voice made me pause, just for a second. He took advantage of my hesitancy and wrapped his hand around mine, trapping my car keys inside my palm. When he looked at me, his expression was troubled and strained, as if he were struggling through a decision.

  “I’ll drive you,” he said.

  I stared at him for a moment, uncomprehending. “You’ll drive me? It takes four hours to get from here to Lowry, and you’re right in the middle of your parents’ anniversary party. You can’t just leave.”

  He exhaled, his face shifting from uncertain to resolute. “I also can’t let you do an eight-hour round trip when you’re crying and hyperventilating. I’ll drive you. Okay? Please.”

  I knew he wasn’t going to back down, and I also knew I wasn’t getting out of here until we reached some kind of mutual agreement. Because of this, and because I was going to lose my mind if I didn’t get out of here in the next few minutes, I agreed. “But we have to take my car,” I said, knowing I couldn’t explain why. Drake and Lila’s car seats were still back there, ready and waiting for the drive home. “And we have to leave now.”

  Ryan nodded, accepting this, and then nudged the car keys out of my hand. “Just let me talk to my parents first,” he said, palming my keys as he turned away. “I’ll be right back.”

  I waited by the car—which I couldn’t open because he’d taken the keys as an obvious precaution—until he returned fifteen minutes later. Wordlessly, he unlocked the doors and circled around to the driver’s seat as I climbed in on the passenger side. He settled in beside me, adjusted the seat to accommodate his larger frame, and clicked his seatbelt into place. I did the same, eyeing him sideways as he started the engine and pulled away from the curb. His demeanor at the moment was a cross between pissed off and shaken up. I wondered what had happened back at his parents’ house, and how the news of our impromptu road trip was received. Not well, I gathered.

  “Are you going to tell me what happened?” Ryan asked as we coiled through the city streets. “Did…is one of them hurt?”

  A gust of air-conditioning wafted through the vents, ruffling my thin sundress, and I hugged myself against the chill. “I don’t know,” I said, my eyes on the passing scenery of buildings, cars, and people. “That’s why I have to go there. I just need to see them.”

  He didn’t say anything to this, and for the next several miles, we didn’t speak at all. My gaze alternated between the road signs and the dashboard clock, which seemed to be at a stand-still. I stared at it anyway, watching the numbers tick by until they reached 5:00. We’d been driving for almost two hours non-stop. Ryan, who’d apparently been watching the clock as well, realized this around the same time I did and turned off on the next exit, stopping at the nearest gas station.

  “Want anything?” he asked, parking alongside one of the pumps and shutting off the car.

  I shook my head, my gaze still trained out my window. I couldn’t look at him, because every time I tried, my throat ached and my eyes burned with tears. The fact that he was doing this for me was a clear sign of how much he still cared about me, even after all I’d put him through. And knowing this made me feel like shit. I didn’t deserve someone like him, someone who could put aside all the hurt I’d caused him in order to help me when I needed it most.

  “Why are you doing this for me?” I asked once we were on the road again. He’d filled the car with gas, and brought back bottles of water and snacks from the store. Not quite the dinner we were currently missing at his parents’ house, but it was something. “I mean, you don’t owe me anything. We’re not even together anymore.”

  “Doesn’t mean I suddenly hate you and never want to see you again,” he said, adjusting the rear view mirror. “I’m here because you needed someone.”

  My cheeks blazed. Of course. He was helping me out of pity. Because he felt sorry for me. Because I was just that pathetic.

  We drove in silence the rest of the way.

  * * *

  It was after seven when we finally rolled into Lowry. The town’s main street, if you could call it that, was already deserted, like the entire population went to sleep before dark. Lowry was a small town, established, mostly comprised of older houses that had been there for decades. And going by the few stragglers I spotted on the streets, the same could be said for its residents.

  Where were all the kids? The young families? How could Lila and Drake possibly be happy here?

  “You know where we’re going?” Ryan asked, turning toward the residential area of town.

  I brought up the map on my phone, where I’d entered the grandparents’ address. “Forty-two Briar Street. Left up here.”

  Minutes later, he stopped the car in front of a cute blue split-level with a colorful flower garden and a perfectly-groomed lawn. We
both stared at it for a moment, then Ryan turned to me, questioning. Now that he’d transported me here, he wanted to know his next role.

  “Why don’t you go grab dinner or something,” I said, feeling my pulse start to race in my neck. They were in there, my brother and sister, just a few feet away. “I’ll text you when I’m ready.”

  His eyes searched mine again. “You sure?”

  I nodded and unbuckled my seatbelt with cold fingers. “I won’t be long.”

  He didn’t respond. I got out of the car and shut the door behind me, my attention fixated on the house in front of me. I straightened my now-wrinkled sundress and headed for the long, paved walkway, only vaguely aware of the sound of my car driving away behind me. I was alone.

  As I approached the house, I looked for signs of my siblings’ presence—toys, tricycles, anything to let me know that two three-year-olds lived here. But there was nothing. I climbed the set of concrete steps to the door and rang the bell, my entire body rigid and cold in spite of the heat. After at least a minute, the door swung open to reveal a short woman with layered brown hair and brown eyes, the last of which widened at the sight of me. “Robin?” she said.

  It clicked in then—this was Tamara, Alan’s sister. I’d met her twice before, but never in this setting, and her hair was shorter and darker than I remembered. “I came for Drake and Lila,” I told her, skipping the usual pleasantries. There was no time for that.

  “Came for them?” she repeated, confused.

  “To see them,” I amended. “Please. I need to see them.”

  Her brown eyes, so much like Alan’s and the twins’, studied my face carefully, like she was trying to establish my real motive for showing up here. The grandparents must have told her I’d been calling, asking after my brother and sister. She was probably wondering if she could trust me. “Are you okay?” she said after a long, agonizing moment.

  I nodded and tried to peek past her into the house, but all I could see was two sets of stairs, one going up and one going down. “Are your parents here?”