Her Secret Life

by Tiffany L. Warren

  Onika’s only reservation about Graham was his regular-sized budget. Of course, she had no idea how much money he had saved or invested, but he spent his money like a man who didn’t have enough to last until his next paycheck. Being poor or struggling or even being on a penny-pinching budget was not Onika’s idea of romantic. If Aaron hadn’t excelled at anything else, he’d been an expert in spoiling her, shopping sprees, vacations, and the like.

  Onika felt shallow and superficial letting that one reason give her pause, but she knew too many women who had married for love but who said their next marriage would be for money. Why? Because loving was hard if the lights were out.

  Onika had spent her entire childhood dirt-poor and lacking the ability to cover her basic needs. She never wanted to go back to that.

  Onika hadn’t talked to Charmayne about her dinner date with Graham. She was surprised that Charmayne didn’t blow her cover that night and tell Graham her secret. But Charmayne also hadn’t said a word to Onika about it.

  She pulled up her e-mail, hoping for a job offer. Working at the community center/soup kitchen was emotionally rewarding, but she needed more money. There were none, but there was an e-mail from one of her sorority sisters. She hesitated to look at it, as she did with most e-mails from her DC circle.

  It was an invitation, which immediately made Onika frown. She’d been avoiding all sorority events, because until lately she didn’t have a date, and of course, Aaron would be there. He was at every DC event, and she didn’t want to see him, especially not with his new woman on his arm. How embarrassing would that be?

  But this was important. Her line sister, Ari, was having an engagement party, and she was not only inviting her to the party but asking her to be one of her bridesmaids. This wasn’t something she could turn down. She couldn’t avoid her line sister’s engagement party because of a breakup.

  Maybe Aaron would be the bigger person and not show up.

  Of course, he wouldn’t. He was the kind of guy to gloat. He would be there preening with his replacement girlfriend, and it would be a nightmare.

  Onika wished Ty was still at Safe Harbor, so she could have someone to talk to about this. Charmayne would just give her Jesus, and she wanted something different right now. Even though they hadn’t spoken in months, she pressed Chelsea’s number into her phone.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey, Chelsea, it’s me.”

  “Oh my goodness. Has Jesus come back? Is this Nikki?”

  “It’s me.”

  “Or should I say Onika?”

  Onika rolled her eyes. “Aaron’s been talking? I didn’t think he would.”

  “Aaron? No, my daddy told me your real name. He didn’t do it on purpose. He was talking about you, and I had no idea who he meant when he said Onika.”

  “Well, if it makes you feel any better, I hardly ever went by my name back then. I hated it, so I was Nikki to just about everyone who didn’t have access to my tax records and birth certificate. My name wasn’t a secret.”

  “Okay, Nikki. I just thought it was weird that in all those years I never knew that.”

  There were a lot of things she didn’t know and would never know.

  “What did your father say about me?”

  “He just asked how you were. If I had talked to you lately. Is everything okay with you?”

  Onika sighed. “No. Aaron and I split up about six weeks ago.”

  “What? Why didn’t you call me?”

  “I’m just trying to deal with it, you know? I guess I didn’t really want to talk about it. I didn’t want to hear anyone saying that they knew he’d eventually hurt me.”

  “I wouldn’t ever say something like that.”

  Onika cleared her throat. “Your mama would say it. She’s been waiting to say it since we were in Martha’s Vineyard the summer of our freshman year.”

  “Where are you staying? Do you need anything?”

  “I’m staying with a friend.”

  “Oh, okay. Let me know if you need anything. You don’t have to go through this on your own. I know you must be hurting.”

  “I’m actually okay. I think, in some ways, I had been preparing myself for years.”

  “He’s probably gonna be at Ari’s party.”

  “Probably.”

  “You want me to call her and tell her you might not come?” Chelsea asked. “She’d understand.”

  “Ari and I aren’t really all that cool. She probably only asked me to be in her wedding because we’re line sisters. She’ll have an attitude about me not showing up.”

  Ari was one of the few women she knew from Robinson who lived in DC. They didn’t go out for brunch or happy hour or share the holidays. She only saw her at society type events when she was on Aaron’s arm. Onika suspected that Ari was one of Aaron’s side chicks, though she never had any proof or any desire to investigate it further. But now she was going to walk down the aisle at her wedding and dodge the bouquet when it was thrown.

  “I’ll be at the engagement party,” Chelsea said. “Come stay in my hotel room. We can make it a slumber party.”

  “Where are you staying?”

  “The Ritz near Georgetown.”

  Of course, she was staying at the Ritz. Her husband was a pastor of a megachurch, and they lived in a mansion. She’d stay in nothing less than five stars. Onika forced down her feelings of jealousy.

  “Okay, let me know when you get in. I’ll come to you.”

  “And bring some party clothes. When a long relationship like that comes to an end, we need to get wasted.”

  Party clothes. This was going to be a stretch. She’d have to go into some of her savings to buy something presentable for Ari’s party. She’d have to go the thrift store—the vintage route—because she couldn’t afford any designers.

  “Really, first lady?” Onika asked. “You want to get wasted?”

  “Oh, I forgot about that. The church folk might see me, huh?”

  “Ya’ think?”

  “This pastor’s wife thing is hard. I mean really hard.”

  Onika could hear the stress in her friend’s voice. She regretted not spending more time with her and keeping up with her life. Too much time had passed without them speaking, especially since the Richards were the only family she chose to acknowledge.

  “We’ll have our own private session, where the church folk can’t see you,” Onika said. “You sound like you need to talk as much as I do.”

  “I do. There’s so much to tell you.”

  Onika wished she could feel as free to divulge her struggles. Her secrets were so very heavy these days. Before, she’d been able to handle keeping Judy a secret, but now, Judy plus joblessness, plus homelessness—it was too much. Too heavy.

  “Looking forward to seeing you, girl,” Onika said.

  “Love you.”

  “Love you back!”

  Onika disconnected the phone, and the tears came in a hurry, before she could blink them back. Hearing Chelsea’s voice had reminded her of how alone she truly was. There was not a soul who knew her whole story.

  There was a knock on the library door. Probably one of those bad kids wanting to get on the Internet and play games.

  “Come in,” she said.

  It was Charmayne, and she was bearing gifts of tea and cookies. Onika exhaled and relaxed. Snacks always made everything better, according to Charmayne.

  Charmayne closed the door right on a scuffle happening in the hallway between Renee’s oldest and middle sons. Onika settled herself in for a Charmayne one-on-one. She didn’t even consider them to be sneaky anymore. As long as Onika lived here, Charmayne was going to communicate and talk, whether she wanted to or not. The good thing about Charmayne was that Onika only needed to share what she wanted to share. She never pressed for more.

  “They are a lot, aren’t they?” Charmayne asked.

  Onika nodded. “They are making me rethink that teaching career. I may go to grad school, law school, or somethi
ng.”

  “That’s an excellent idea. Grad school, I mean.”

  “Yeah, I’m seeing that teaching isn’t going to be economically feasible for me. I need a job that can pay bills. Maybe if I ever find a husband, I can teach.”

  “I stopped waiting for a husband. Not sure if I’ll ever have one,” Charmayne said.

  There was no sadness in her voice when she made this declaration. Just a sense of knowing.

  “Is that why you surround yourself with people?” Onika asked. “Is it because you’re lonely?”

  “I’m not lonely, but I do like to have people around sometimes. I like giving and receiving hugs and encouraging words. People need people.”

  “I think you’re right.”

  “I just verified that you will get your first check from the tutoring job next week, so that should help you start to put aside money for your apartment.”

  “That’s good. I’m looking forward to a paycheck, even if it is small,” Onika said. “I don’t like the feeling of helplessness that comes with not having any money and having to rely on you for everything.”

  “I believe God has you here for a reason. There’s something you’re supposed to be learning from this situation,” Charmayne said with authority. But just because she believed it didn’t mean Onika had to believe it, too.

  “I think I just ended up in a bad relationship with a jerk, and it’s not karma or destiny or any higher power that has me here. It’s just bad luck, and it will turn around soon.”

  Charmayne let out an exasperated sigh. Onika did not care about her exasperation.

  “So how are things with you and Graham?” Charmayne asked, changing the subject. “Have you told him yet?”

  Onika shook her head. “He is still too new. I’d like to enjoy him for a while before I scare him off.”

  Because he would be scared off when he found out the truth. When he learned that she wasn’t running a homeless shelter but living in one herself, he would take to the hills. He’d think she was a liar—and she was.

  “I don’t think he’d be scared off by the fact that you’re homeless.”

  “No, not by that. He’d want to save me, I’m sure. He’s got a savior complex, like you.”

  “I don’t have a savior complex.”

  “Oh right,” Onika said. “You know a savior. My bad.”

  “What would scare him off then? Your dishonesty?”

  Onika nodded. “I don’t think he’d do well with that. He’d take it personally, like I didn’t tell him the truth because of me not trusting him. That has nothing to do with it.”

  “Well, what is it then?”

  “It’s a habit for me, keeping secrets. Because I know that when people know all of it, all your crap, they treat you differently, no matter what they say. They do.”

  “You’re right. When people found out I married a gay man, they treated me differently. People who I thought were my friends talked about me so bad. It hurt.”

  “So you know what I mean.”

  “But I think I needed those people to show themselves. I needed to know who only loved me for superficial reasons. I needed to know who would love me after knowing all my junk.”

  “How many did you have left, after it all came out?”

  Charmayne sighed. “Not many. But why don’t you try me. Lighten your load a little bit. Tell me one thing you haven’t told anyone else. See if I treat you differently.”

  Onika laughed. “You already know my biggest secret. I don’t have anywhere that’s mine, to lay my head. And you treat me differently. If we had met at a charity function, you wouldn’t be trying to fix me. Because I’m here in this situation, I am a broken doll for you to fix. You wouldn’t be trying to glue me back together otherwise.”

  “It’s hard trying to get through to you,” Charmayne said.

  “Well then, stop. Stop trying to get through to me. If you want to be my friend, then be my friend, but stop trying to fix me. I know this is your ministry. It makes you feel good, but it’s not helping me.”

  Charmayne stood with her cup of tea in her hand. “Okay, but as one friend to another, let me just say this. No one likes being lied to. You should tell Graham the truth.”

  “You think I don’t want to tell him the truth? I want to be able to tell him everything about me and feel secure that nothing will change, but it’s not possible.”

  “It’s possible,” Charmayne said.

  “Thank you for your advice,” Onika said.

  “But you’re not going to take it, are you?”

  “I will take it under advisement.”

  Charmayne shook her head sadly, got up, and walked out of the library, leaving Onika with her thoughts. Onika would deal with Graham if he looked like he was becoming permanent, and by then, there would probably be nothing to tell. She’d have her own place, her own money, and a job that would pay the bills and leave a little over for fun. By then, her lie would be transformed into a little, harmless fib that no one, not even honest Graham, would hold against her.

  CHAPTER FORTY-SIX

  Onika couldn’t believe she’d let Graham talk her into this swimming lesson. Somehow in between all their talk about love and forever, she’d written a check with her mouth that her butt was now having to cash.

  “You won’t have to get in the deep water at all,” Graham said from his position inside the huge, Olympic-size swimming pool. “We can stay in the shallow the whole time. How far can you go into the water before you start to feel uncomfortable?”

  Onika sat on the side of the pool with her feet and legs submerged in the warm water. “This is the only place I feel comfortable when it comes to a pool.”

  “But you aren’t even in the water.”

  “Precisely.”

  “What can I do to persuade you to get into the water?” Graham asked. “This will only come up to your waist.”

  “You bribed and persuaded me to come here in the first place with kisses. You tricked me. Got me all flustered and then slipped this swimming lesson mess on me.”

  A huge smile broke out on Graham’s face, but then he already knew he’d flustered her.

  “Shall I give you more? Is that what you want as a reward?”

  Onika laughed. “No. That sounds like a reward for you.”

  “We’ll both enjoy it. Why don’t you slip into the pool, and walk toward me? Just walking. No swimming. When you get to me, I’ll kiss you and make you want to strip off that tiny swimsuit.”

  Onika’s suit wasn’t particularly revealing, but her curves were not contained by the strips of spandex. The top was made like a sports bra, but her cleavage spilled out, inviting touches. The bottom was full coverage, but not for the hips and behind on Onika’s petite frame. On her, the bottom looked like a high-cut thong bikini.

  “You want me to slip out of my bathing suit, don’t you? Well, we don’t have to make me a drowning victim for that to happen. Come on out of the water, and you can make that happen.”

  Graham shook his head and laughed. “Nope. You’re going to be so happy you learned to swim. I can’t wait for us to go snorkeling together in the Caribbean.”

  “You’re getting way ahead of yourself. Walking in the shallow end of a swimming pool and going out in the middle of the ocean are two different things.”

  “I’m just predicting our future. Snorkeling in Aruba on our honeymoon.”

  If there wasn’t a pool full of water between them, Onika would have run and jumped into Graham’s arms. His mind was clearly made up, no matter how she tried to warn him to wait until he knew her whole story before he decided on forever.

  Onika decided to get it over with and slid into the warm water. It came a little bit over her waist, but she could tell that the water got deeper the closer she got to Graham.

  “It’s too deep over there,” Onika said. “You come to me. I got in, and I want my kiss now.”

  “It’s not too deep right here. The water will just come up to your breasts, a
nd if, when you get down here you get scared, you can jump into my arms.”

  “Giving you a bird’s eye view of my boobs.”

  “I won’t look. I’m only trying to make you a competent swimmer. This has nothing to do with my desires.”

  “Tell me more about that last part. The desire part.”

  Graham laughed. “I can’t hear you. You’re too far away. You’ll have to come out farther.”

  Onika slowly put one foot in front of the next, steadily creeping closer to Graham. The water swirled around her midsection, and then her breasts rested right above the waterline. This was as deep as she could go right now.

  “I can’t go any more. It’s getting too deep.”

  “Just a few more steps, and I promise I’ll come the rest of the way to you.”

  Onika took two more steps and then wouldn’t budge. The water was unnerving her, and it took every bit of her willpower to not turn around and go back to the ladder. Before she got the chance to do that, Graham took a few swim strokes and closed the space between them. He stood up in the water right in front of Onika. Her muscles relaxed, and she felt her heart rate slow. She was calm and safe.

  “Even though you didn’t come all the way to me, I guess you can have your reward.”

  He went in for the kiss, and Onika splashed water in his face. He wasn’t slick. That reward was for himself.

  Graham grabbed each side of Onika’s waist and lifted her out of the water. She splashed him some more as he lowered her back in. She wasn’t playing with him.

  “Do you trust me?” Graham asked.

  “I’m not sure. Trust you to do what?”

  “Wrap your arms around my neck and your legs around my waist. I want to take you out into the deep.”

  “Oh, naw. I don’t trust you to do that. Nope.”

  Graham laughed. “I promise I won’t let anything happen to you.”

  “I believe you, Graham, but I almost drowned when I was little. At a church picnic.”

  Just thinking again about that day made Onika want to walk back to the shallowest end of the pool. She pushed Graham’s hands and arms away and started to go where she would feel safe without Graham’s help.