by Jenni Wilder
“Chubby Bunny!” I yelled out in a half grunt, half mumble. Lincoln tipped his head back in silent laughter due to the marshmallows and I tried to keep it together.
“Well,” a familiar voice said from next to us. “If you weren’t a big enough freak show before, you sure are now.”
All traces of humor vanished, and I clamped my hand over my mouth as I felt a sickness rise in my stomach. I turned to confirm my fear and saw Mackenzie McKay standing to my left with a twisted smirk of evil on her face. I knew Mackenzie only reserved that face for moments of pure evil. No one would have voted her Miss Illinois if they knew what her face looked like when she showed her true colors. But I knew firsthand how easily Mackenzie hid her evil ways.
Kennedy must have heard what had been said because she burst forward in my defense even though she couldn’t have known that this evil bitch was the reason for a majority of my problems in college. “What do you think you are doing? Get the hell out of here,” Kennedy demanded.
I was confused but didn’t care at that moment. I just needed to be away from Mackenzie. I had managed to avoid her since freshman year, and the last thing I wanted was to ever see her again.
“Careful now. There are cameras watching.” Mackenzie inclined her head toward a line of news reporters who were covering the festival.
“You need to get away from us. Now.” Lincoln glared at Mackenzie and handed me a paper towel. He must have spit out his marshmallows.
“What’s the problem, lover?” she said, surprising me. Her eyes flicked between Lincoln and me. “Are you fucking this dog or something, Linc?” Mackenzie indicated toward me. “Why would you want that, when you could have this again?” She pressed her body up against Lincoln’s.
I didn’t stick around to see Lincoln’s reaction. I took the paper towels and stormed off in the opposite direction, back toward the ice castle. I heard Lincoln call out to me, but I didn’t stop.
I didn’t stop until I felt I was safely lost in the crowd. I spit the remains of my marshmallows out in the towel and threw it and my cup of hot chocolate into a garbage can. I couldn’t believe this was happening to me. Like seriously, universe? Mackenzie—freaking—McKay. Seriously?
Not wanting to completely break down in public, I looked around for somewhere to hide and eventually ran for the ice castle. I ran all the way inside and up the stairs, praying the tower room would still be empty. Thankfully, it was.
I collapsed against the wall, putting my head in my hands, and ignored the cold that was seeping into my body. I gave myself a minute to despair, but I knew this was neither the time nor place to break down. I wanted to go home and wallow in self-pity in the peace and quiet of my bed. But Lincoln had driven me here, and my options for getting home were limited. I pulled my phone out of my purse and sent a text to my little brother asking for a ride. I silently prayed he was not busy, and when he responded with just that answer I breathed a sigh of relief and quickly arranged for him to pick me up.
I wouldn’t speak to Lincoln anymore. We had a nice kiss, and I let myself believe for a second that he wanted me. I should have googled his personal life. Then I would have known he was dating Miss Illinois, Queen Bitch herself. Of course he was dating her. She was gorgeous, and so was he. I hoped the sweet, caring, teasing side of his personality was a ruse and in real life he was just as terrible as Mackenzie was. That way they could make each other miserable for the rest of their lives.
I should have just trusted my instincts. Why did I listen to Rebecca?! Ugh! I hated myself in that moment. I second-guessed every reaction I had to him and every reason behind everything I had done since meeting him. I kept coming back to the same conclusion. Whatever reason he had for wanting to be around me was beyond my comprehension, but the truth was I was stupid for letting him in. I had no one to blame but myself. My phone chimed; Lincoln was calling me. I hit ignore.
I had hit ignore twelve more times on calls from Lincoln and had five unread texts from him before my brother finally sent me a text telling me where to meet him. I made my way out of the castle and looked around, not seeing Lincoln or Kennedy with the kids. I turned my phone off, put my head down, and tried to blend in with the crowd as I made my way to my brother’s car.
“What happened?” Elliot asked me as I got in. “Are you hurt?”
“I’m fine. I just had to leave,” I replied and then spent the entire drive home trying to convince him I was fine.
Elliot walked me to the house, and Rebecca was immediately at the door. “What are you doing? She was on a date!” She exploded at Elliot when we walked into the house.
“She told me she needed a ride. She never said she was on a date,” he shot back at Rebecca and then asked me in a surprised voice, “You had a date?”
“Thanks for the vote of confidence, Elliot,” I said bitterly.
“Jillian, that’s not what I meant—” Elliot started to say before Rebecca interrupted him.
“What happened, Jillian??”
I looked at Rebecca and saw the concern on her face. I knew I probably looked like a sad little puppy dog at the pound that no one wanted. It was a good description of how I was feeling at that moment.
“He’s dating Mackenzie McKay,” I said in a voice full of regret, and I buried my face in my hands as the sobs finally broke free from my chest.
“Oh shit,” Rebecca exclaimed and ran forward to hug me, but I wrenched out of her arms.
“Why did you have to push this, Becca?! I told you this wouldn’t work out! I told you there was something not right about this!” My venom was directed at Rebecca, but the words were meant for myself. I knew it was my own fault for letting this happen, but right now Rebecca was the one I wanted to blame.
“Jilly, if it’s true—” Rebecca started to say while trying to hug me again.
“Of course it’s true, Rebecca! I saw them! I heard what she said,” I declared as I pushed Rebecca away. “Why would he ever want me when he could have her?”
I ran upstairs to my bedroom, leaving my brother and sister gawking at me in the entryway. I kicked off my shoes and dropped my purse on the floor. Only then did I realize I was freezing cold. I crawled into bed with Rebecca’s coat still on and snuggled under the covers. I let all my grief and pain out as I sobbed against my pillow. I felt so stupid for letting him con his way into my heart so easily. I had years of practice keeping everyone out, and with one smile from a cute guy I forgot all that and let him in, only to end up worse than when I started.
~~~~~~~~~
I woke up not long after having fallen asleep against my wet pillow. I hadn’t been sleeping long; the sound of the doorbell woke me up. I heard it again and wondered why Rebecca wasn’t answering the door. When it went off a third time, I got annoyed. Had my sister gone somewhere and not told me?
I crawled out of bed, hoping the person at the door would go away so I could stay holed up in my bedroom and not have to face the world. But I was also curious as to who kept ringing the doorbell. I was about to open my bedroom door to go downstairs when I finally heard my sister’s voice. I cracked my bedroom door and perked up my ears trying to hear what she was saying.
“What are you doing here?” Rebecca said sharply.
“Is Jillian here?” Lincoln asked. I could hear the anxiety in his voice. Serves him right, I thought.
“Maybe,” Rebecca said.
“God dammit. Is she here or not?” Lincoln barked out.
“Language, Mr. Lincoln!” I heard Tabitha scold Lincoln, and I stifled a chuckle.
“It’s all right, Tabby Cat. Get your crayons and go color in the kitchen,” Rebecca told Tabitha.
“Tabby Cat, wait!” Lincoln said. “Is your Aunt here?”
I gasped. How dare he ask her that?
“Lincoln—” Rebecca started but Tabitha interrupted her.
“Yeah… She's here. She’s in her room. She was crying,” Tabitha said sadly, and I felt remorse. I hadn’t realized Tabitha had seen me.
“No! Lincoln, you cannot go up there. She clearly does not want to talk to you, and I will not let you,” Rebecca said firmly.
“Please let me talk to her. I don’t even know what happened,” Lincoln begged my sister. I scoffed quietly. How could he not know what happened? I had seen the way Mackenzie pushed against him. Maybe Lincoln was not as smart as I thought he was.
“You don’t know what happened?? Are you or are you not dating Mackenzie McKay?”
“What?! No!” Lincoln said adamantly.
There was a pause, and I leaned closer to the door. I didn’t want to miss any of this.
“Why would Jillian tell me you were? Tell me what happened,” Rebecca demanded.
I heard Lincoln let out a frustrated groan. “I told you I don’t even know. I thought things were going really well. Jillian and I were teasing each other all day. We had kissed and it seemed like she finally accepted that this was a date. We were laughing and joking and the next thing I know she’s left me standing alone again and she won’t answer her damn phone.” Lincoln sounded mad.
“Well, wait. Where does Mackenzie come into this?” I heard Rebecca ask.
“Is that what she’s upset about?” Lincoln asked.
“Of course she’s upset about that! Are you an idiot?! The woman you’re dating interrupts your date with Jillian. Can you see how she would be upset by that?”
“I’M NOT DATING MACKENZIE! Dammit, please just let me talk to Jillian,” Lincoln begged, but Rebecca resisted.
“Why would Jillian say you were?”
Lincoln let out another large sigh. “Mackenzie and I went on a few dates a couple of months ago. I thought she was a good person, and I fell into her trap. It didn’t take long before I figured out she was selling my personal details to the media. She only wanted me to help her get famous,” Lincoln said sadly. “I thought she had given up—we haven’t talked in months. But apparently not. She came up to me at the festival—Jillian was standing right next to me. She called me a freak show and then acted like we still had something going on. She’s insane.”
My heart was pounding fast. I wanted to believe him, but there were too many reasons to doubt him. What if Mackenzie put him up to this to harass me even more?
“Is that the truth?” I heard Rebecca ask Lincoln.
“Yes!” Lincoln exclaimed.
There was another pause before Rebecca spoke. “Mackenzie wasn’t calling you a freak show. She was calling Jillian a freak show.”
“Why would she call Jillian that? Do they know each other?” Lincoln asked, confused and I held my breath. I silently implored Rebecca not to say anything.
Rebecca sighed. “It’s not my story to tell, Lincoln. You’ll have to ask Jillian.”
I heard Lincoln’s frustrated sigh. “I would if I could, but you WON’T LET ME TALK TO HER!”
“Lincoln! Calm down! I’ll go talk to her, okay? I’ll see if she’ll talk to you.” Rebecca relented.
“Tell her—tell her I’m sorry. Please just ask her to talk to me,” Lincoln begged and I heard Rebecca’s footsteps on the stairs. I closed my bedroom door quietly and backed into my room with my arms crossed over my chest in a self-protective manner. Rebecca knocked on the door.
“Jillian? Are you awake?” Rebecca asked. Her voice was muffled through the door.
“Yeah. Come in.”
“Oh, you’re up,” Rebecca said as she turned on the light and saw me standing. I nodded in reply. “Lincoln’s here.”
“I know.” I admitted. “I was listening.”
“You were?” Rebecca asked, and I nodded again. “Well?”
“What do you think?”
Rebecca sighed. “I don’t think he’s dating Mackenzie.”
“But what if… what if she sent him here to hurt me even more?” I finally voiced my main concern. I hadn’t seen Mackenzie in years, but I feared she could still hurt me.
“Jillian, the chances of that happening are very unlikely.”
“It’s Mackenzie, Rebecca. She’s evil. She’ll do anything.”
“I know, Jilly Bean. But what if Lincoln is telling the truth? Think of how hurt you were after freshman year. What if Lincoln is feeling that way right now? He’s been hurt too, Jillian.”
“Dammit, Becca.” I sat down on the edge of my bed. After freshman year, not only was I hurt and lonely, but I had lost faith in my fellow humans. No one except my family had shown me any kindness, and while I tried to be a caring, loving person to everyone, I knew the chances of that concern being paid back were slim. It was just the way things were.
Rebecca picked up my purse and fished out my cell phone. She turned it back on and sat down on the bed next to me. “He seems really upset,” Rebecca said and handed me my phone. I looked and saw ten texts and eighteen missed calls from Lincoln along with four calls from a number I didn’t know. I sighed. “Don’t let evil Mackenzie ruin something that might have been great. If you do, then she’s already won,” Rebecca said wisely.
We sat in silence for a long moment while I thought through things. I knew if I ended up being hurt again, it would hurt even worse than it did last time. It already hurt worse, and I wasn’t even as emotionally invested in Lincoln as I could easily be.
I swiped my thumb over Lincoln’s contact info. He was so sweet and charming. Not just today, but during our walk at the pond and even in the tent when we first met. Surely if he was acting, he wouldn’t have been able to keep up the façade that long. Plus his niece and nephew absolutely adored him. If he truly were a miserable evil person like Mackenzie, certainly a child would be able to tell and would shy away from him. Kids can always tell, right?
Ugh! Why did this man have me tied in such knots? I thought about it and realized I already knew the answer. I was all twisted up over this man because he was too good to be true. He really was sweet and charming and drop-dead gorgeous and a truly good decent man, and I would never deserve him. “I don’t deserve him, Rebecca,” I whispered and curled into my sister’s shoulder, hiding my face from the world. The tears began to flow again, and I couldn’t find the strength to stop them. Rebecca let me cry on her shoulder for a short while, rocking me and rubbing small circles into my back. When it seemed like my sobs had subsided, Rebecca pulled me to sit up straight and looked me in the eye.
“Better?” Rebecca asked me.
“No, not really,” I said, rubbing my eyes.
“No? Sobbing on my shoulder didn’t help? What a surprise,” she said sarcastically.
“Hey, I couldn’t help it,” I said, defending my breakdown. A person can only take so much.
“I know, Jilly Bean. And that’s why I didn’t stop you. Sometimes we all need a good cry. God knows, with the shit you’ve been given in life, you deserve a good cry more than most. But you know better than anyone that a good cry never actually solves anything,” Rebecca said, repeating the words our mother used to say to us after our father died. One of us would inevitably find something of our father’s, or someone would mention a favorite story about our father, and before we knew it the whole family was in tears. Our mother used to tell us to feel free to have good cry, but to keep in mind that crying never solved anything; it only allowed you to dwell in your grief.
Kind of a harsh lesson for a kid, I realized now that I was older, but our mother had a lot of grief lumped on her all at once, and she could only handle so much. I suspected our mother used this mantra to get through her own life without our father. She had lost the love of her life, and while she had spent a sufficient amount of time publicly mourning his death, I suspected she would grieve for her husband until the day she was reunited with him in heaven. But she did not allow herself to cry over him anymore. At least never in front of me or my siblings. Crying never actually solved anything; it only allowed you to dwell in your grief.
“Dammit, Becca. You just had to say that, didn’t you? Now I feel even more guilty.”
“Well, you are allowing yourself to dwell in your grief.”
“I am not,” I said stubbornly.
“You are too, you miserable liar,” she said teasingly. “You have a man downstairs that wants you. I think he can make you happy, and you can make him happy. But you’re not even giving him a chance. You’d rather be up here crying on my shoulder.”
“I don’t WANT to cry on your shoulder, Becca. I’m just—”
“You’re terrified. I know,” she said clasping my hand. “But at least you’re moving forward. That’s always terrifying. But at least, I think, you’re moving forward with someone that honestly cares for you.”
“I hope so, Rebecca.” I stood up and wiped my cheeks dry. “Or I’m going to be right back crying on your shoulder.”
Rebecca laughed and followed me out of my room. We went downstairs and found Lincoln sitting at the kitchen island, coloring with Tabitha in one of her coloring books. As soon as he saw me enter the room, he dropped his crayon and stood up.
“Jillian… I’m so sorry, baby,” he said as he walked over to me and pulled me into his arms. He held me tight for a moment, and when I didn’t struggle away, he pulled back slightly to look at my face. He wiped away the tears that had started falling again with his fingertips. “I hate that I made you cry.” He looked distressed.
I reached up and cupped his hand against my cheek. “Can we go somewhere to talk?”
Lincoln nodded and entwined our fingers. “That would be best.”
He held my hand as we walked to his FJ Cruiser, and once we were both settled in the vehicle he reached over and grabbed my hand again as the vehicle pulled away from the house. We rode in silence for a while, and I replayed in my mind what had happened at the festival. I thought of how angry he and Kennedy had sounded toward Mackenzie.
“What happened to Kennedy and the kids?” I asked, realizing that if Lincoln was here with me, he wasn’t helping his sister with the kids like he said he would.
