Liquor up the Front, Poker in the Rear
Page 9
The doorman at the club greeted them and said, “Hey, Bob! How ya doin’?”
His wife was puzzled, and asked if he had been to that club before.
“Oh no,” said Bob. “He’s on my bowling team.”
Once they were seated a waitress asked Bob if he’d like his usual, and brought over a Budweiser. By now his wife was becoming increasingly uncomfortable so she asked, “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”
“She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”
A stripper then came over to their table, threw her arms around Bob, started to rub herself all over him, and said, “Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?”
Bob’s wife, now furious, grabbed her purse and stormed out of the club. Bob followed, and spotted her getting into a cab. Before she could slam the door he jumped in beside her and tried desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else - but his wife was having none of it.
She screamed at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. Finally the cabby turned around and said, “Geez Bob, you sure picked up a real bitch this time!”
QUID PRO QUO
There was a couple who had been married for twenty years, and every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after twenty years the wife felt it was getting ridiculous. She decided to break him out of this crazy habit so one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down, and saw that her husband was holding a dildo in his hand! It was soft, wonderful, and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. “You impotent bastard,” she screamed at him. “How could you keep lying to me all of these years? You’d better explain yourself!”
The husband looked her straight in the eyes and says calmly, “Okay… I’ll explain the toy… and you explain the kids!”
BANG!
A man was having issues with premature ejaculation, so he decided to go to the doctor to see what could be done to cure him.
The doctor said, “When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself.”
That very same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out the suggestion, he ran home to his wife.
At home his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began they found themselves in the ‘69’ position and the man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to come – so he fired the starter pistol.
The next day the doctor asked the man, “So, how did it go?”
“Not that well... when I fired the pistol my wife shit on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!”
PERSONAL AD
A lonely woman in her seventies decided that it was time to get married again, so she put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70’s),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, “You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you... you have no legs!”
The old man smiled, “Therefore I cannot run around on you!”
She snorted. “You don’t have any hands either!”
Again the old man smiled, “That’s right, and therefore I can never beat you!”
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. “Hmmm… but are you still good in bed?”
With that the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”
FEMALE PHARMACY
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to speak with a male pharmacist. The woman who was behind the counter said that she was the pharmacist, that she and her sister owned the store, and that there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.
The man said it was something he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was a professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The man agreed and began by saying, “This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. All day… all night… it never goes away! It causes me a lot of problems, and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering… what you can give me for it?”
The pharmacist said, “Just a minute, I have to go speak with my sister.”
When she returned she said, “We discussed it at length, and the absolute best we can do is one third ownership in the store, a company car, and three thousand dollars a month for living expenses…”
NUMBER FOUR
A couple had just gotten married, and on the night of their honeymoon, before making passionate love, the wife told her husband, “Please be gentile, I’m still a virgin.”
The shocked husband replied, “How is this possible? You’ve been married three times before!”
The wife responded, “Well, my first husband was a gynecologist, and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist, and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector, and all he wanted to do was… oh… I sure do miss him!”
A SMALL PROBLEM
Two friends who happened to be dwarfs decided to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. Drunk and at the hotel bar, they were dazzled by two women and wound up taking them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf and his woman tried everything they could, but he was just too drunk to get an erection. To make matters worse, he heard cries of “ONE, TWO, THREE… HUGHHHHHHHHH!” all night long from the next room where his friend and the other woman were.
In the morning the second dwarf asked the first, “How did it go?”
The first whispered back, “It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn’t get an erection!”
The second dwarf shook his head, “You think that’s embarrassing? I couldn’t even get on the bed!”
BECAUSE HE CAN’T
Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of a bar and were walking down the street when they came across a stray dog sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stood there watching, and after a while one of them said, “I sure wish I could do that!”
The other one looked at him and said, “Well, if I were you, I think I’d pet him a little bit first!”
GOOD JOB
A man and his wife went back to their honeymoon hotel for their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary and got the very same room as before. As the couple reflected on that magical evening twenty-five years ago the wife asked the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?”
The husband replied, “Well, all I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry.”
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, “So… what are you thinking now?”
He replied, “I’m thinking I did a damn good job!”
WEDDED BLISS
A man and a woman who had never met before found themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both went to sleep, with the man on the top bunk and the woman on the lower.
In the middle of the night the man leaned over, woke up the woman and said, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m awfully cold… and was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?”
The woman leaned out and with a glint in her eye said, “I have a better idea. Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married!”
The woman then said, “Good… go get your own fucking blanket!”
REMINISCING
There were three generations of prostitutes living together - a mother, a daughter and a grandmother. One night the daughter came home looking very down.
“How did you do tonight dear?” asked her mother.
“Not too good…” replied the daughter, “I only got twenty dollars for a blow job.”
“Wow!” said the mother. “In my day we gave a blow job for fifty cents!”
“Good God!” said the Grandmother, “In my day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!”
PLAN B
A man woke up out of a deep sleep and, feeling really horny, nudged his wife awake and asked, “Why don’t we get it on baby?”
She replied, “I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow, and you know I don’t like to make love the night before.”
The husband reluctantly agreed, rolled over, and started to go back to sleep.
A few minutes later he nudged his wife again and asked, “You don’t by any chance have a dentist’s appointment tomorrow, do you?”
DON’T ASK DON’T TELL
A beautiful woman walked into a doctor’s office, and the doctor was bowled over by how stunningly awesome she was… and all of his professionalism went right out the window.
He told her to take off her pants, and once she had complied he began rubbing her thighs. “Do you know what I am doing?” asks the doctor.
She replied, “Yes, you are checking for abnormalities.”
He then told her to take off her shirt and bra, and she did. The doctor began rubbing her breasts and asked, “Do you know what I am doing now?”
“Yes, checking for cancer.”
Finally he told her to take off her panties, laid her down on the table, got on top, and started having sex with her. He asked, “Do you know what I am doing now?”
She replied, “Yes, getting herpes – that’s why I’m here!”
FUCKED AGAIN
A police officer was patrolling the highway when he saw a naked man tied to a tree, crying. The officer stopped and approached the guy.
“What’s going on here?” he asked.
The guy sobbed, “I was driving along, and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car, and then tied me up to this tree and then left.”
The cop studied the guy for a moment, pulled down his pants, and whipped out his dick. “Well, I guess just this just isn’t your lucky day, pal…”
GO FOR THE GOLD
A man was out shopping and discovered a new brand of prophylactics called ‘Olympic Condoms.’ Clearly impressed, he bought a pack. Upon getting home he told his wife about the purchase he had just made.
“Olympic condoms?” she blurted, “What makes them so special?”
“There are three colors,” he replied, “Gold, Silver, and Bronze.”
“What color are you going to wear tonight?” she asked cheekily.
“Gold, of course,” said the man proudly.
The wife responded, “Why don’t you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change!”
FAR AWAY
A trucker entered a whorehouse, handed the Madam eight hundred dollars in cash, and said, “I want your ugliest woman, and a crappy bologna sandwich on stale bread.”
The astonished Madam replied, “For that kind of money you could have one of my finest girls and a gourmet dinner.”
The trucker said, “I know, but I’m not horny or hungry… just homesick!”
CUT THE SCHLITZ
A man walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a case of beer, and specified he wanted any kind except Schlitz.
The bartender said, “What’s wrong with Schlitz? Don’t you like it?”
The man says, “I hate that shit. Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz, and ended up blowing chunks.”
The bartender said, “Buddy, if you drink a whole case of any beer you’re going to blow chunks.”
“You don’t understand,” said the man, “Chunks is the name of my dog!”
GONE FISHING
One Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing at fifty miles per hour, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
Disappointed, I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
She sleepily replied, “It sure is… can you believe that stupid husband of mine is out fishing in that shit?”
BAD KARMA
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home, so he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting, got in, and explained his situation to the cabby. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his driver’s license number, his address, etc. all to no avail.
The cabby said, “If you don’t have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!” So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time for his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport, and who should he see out there at the end of a long line of cabs but his old buddy who had refused him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in line and asked, “How much for a ride to the airport?”
“Fifteen bucks,” came the reply.
“And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?”
“What? Get the hell out of my cab!”
The businessman then got into the back of each cab in line and asked the very same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line he got in and asked, “How much for a ride to the airport?”
The cabby replied, “fifteen bucks.”
The businessman said, “Okay!” and off they went.
Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a smile and thumbs up sign to each and every driver.
AT THE MARKET
Sue and Jane were shopping together at the supermarket, and when they got to the vegetable section Jane picked up a big cucumber and commented about how it reminded her of her husband’s penis.
Sue said, “Wow!” and not to be outdone hefted a good sized potato in each hand while saying, “You know Jane, these remind me of my husband’s balls.”
Impressed, Jane said, “Hmm, they’re that big, huh?”
“No,” Sue answered. “That dirty!”
THE NEW MAID
A man dialed his home phone from work, and a strange woman answered. The man said, “Who is this?”
“This is the maid,” responded the woman.
“What? We don’t have a maid!”
“I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house.”
“Well, this is her husband. Is she there?”
“Ummm.... she’s upstairs in the bedroom having sex with someone… who I just figured was her husband!”
“How do you know that’s what they’re doing?”
“Well sir, the
bedsprings are creaking like crazy, the headboard has been banging against the wall for the past hour, and she has screamed ‘I’m coming!’ at least six times…”
The man was fuming! He said to the maid, “Listen, would you like to make fifty thousand dollars?”
“What do I have to do?”
“Get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch… and the jerk she is with too!”
The maid put down the phone, and the man heard footsteps… followed by two gunshots.
The maid came back to the phone and said, “Okay, I did it. What should I do with the bodies?”
“Throw them in the swimming pool!”
“What? There’s no pool here sir!”
Then, after a long pause... “Uh.... is this 555-1811?"
DEAD WOOD
A man died while making love to his wife, and a few days later the undertaker called her and said, “Your husband still has a hard-on. What shall I do with it?”