Liquor up the Front, Poker in the Rear
Page 10
The wife replied, “Cut it off, and shove it up his ass!”
The undertaker did as he was told.
On the day of the funeral the wife visited her husband for the last time and saw a tear rolling down his face, so she whispered in his ear, “It fucking hurts, doesn’t it!”
ON VACATION
Three men went on vacation abroad together, and the tourist office informed them that there was only one hotel in town with any vacancies.
They went straight there, only to be told by the desk clerk that there is only one room available in the entire hotel.
They weren’t too keen about the idea, but since it was their only option they took the room for one evening and shared its one and only bed.
Surprisingly, that night they all enjoyed a good night’s sleep. In the morning the man on the right side of the bed said, “I dreamt I had the best sex last night!”
The guy on the left side said, “That’s funny, I had the exact same dream!”
The guy in the middle said, “Not me. I dreamt I was skiing…”
CHINESE DOCTOR
A woman was very distraught by the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see a very well known Chinese sex therapist by the name of Dr. Chang.
She went to see him, and upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said “Okay, take off all your crose.”
The woman did as she was told.
“Now get down on the floor and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.”
Once again the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said “Okay, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.”
So she did.
Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said “Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary diease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.”
Worried, the woman asked anxiously, “Oh my God, Dr. Chang! What in the world is Ed Zachary Disease?”
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, “Ed Zachary Disease is condition when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass...”
ALL OVER TAN
There was once a man who really took care of his body and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror, and while admiring his body noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis – so he decided to do something about it.
He went to the beach, stripped, and buried himself in the sand – all except for his penis, which he left sticking out. A short time later two little old ladies came strolling along the beach.
On seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, one of them began to move it around with her cane, and remarked to the other little old lady, “There is no justice in the world!”
The other little old lady said, “What do you mean by that, Mildred?”
The first little old lady said, “Look at that! When I was twenty... I was curious about them. When I was thirty... I enjoyed them. When I was forty... I asked for them. When I was fifty... I paid for them. When I was sixty... I prayed for them. When I was seventy... I forgot about them. And now that I am eighty, the damned things are growing wild, and I’m too old to squat!”
JUST RELAX
An escaped convict, imprisoned for first degree murder, had spent twenty-five years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in their bedroom.
He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room, and his wife onto the bed on the other side of the room. The convict got on the bed, and it appeared to the husband that he may have been kissing his wife’s neck. Suddenly, the convict got up and left the room.
Seizing the opportunity, the husband made his way across the room with the chair in tow and leaned over his pretty young wife, who was bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown. He whispered, “Honey, this guy hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck right before he left. Just relax. Cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend that you like it. Whatever you do, don’t fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!”
“Honey,” the wife said, spitting out her gag, “I’m so relieved you feel that way. You’re right, he hasn’t seen a woman in years… but he wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he thinks you’re really cute, and asked where we keep the Vaseline…”
KISS OF LIFE
A woman was in a coma, and the nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her ‘private area,’ and noticed there was a response on the monitor when she touched her there.
They went to her husband and explained what had happened, telling him, “Crazy as this may sound, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.”
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. It was worth a try, so hubby finally agreed and went into his wife’s room.
After a few minutes the woman’s monitor flat-lined... there was no pulse... and no heartbeat! The nurses ran into the room and found the husband standing there pulling up his trousers while saying, “Everything was fine at first, but then she started to choke…”
PROUD PAPA
A teenage boy came home with a big smile on his face, and his mom asked, “What did you do at school today honey?”
“Oh, I had sex with my teacher,” he said calmly.
The mother began to scream and yell and sent him to his room until his father got home.
When the father arrived the mother said in tears, “Go talk to your son... he had sex with his teacher today!”
The dad walked upstairs with a big grin on his face. He asked what had happened at school, and the son told him.
The dad said, “Son I’m so proud of you! I’m going to get you that bike you have always wanted.”
So they went out and bought the bike, and the dad asked the son if he wanted to ride it when they got home.
The boy replied, “Not today dad. My ass is still sore!”
GOING POSTAL
It was near Christmas, and a mailman was out delivering packages on his route when a beautiful blonde woman opened her front door wearing a sexy negligee and invited him inside. Surprised, he followed her to the bedroom where they proceeded to have sex. After they were finished the woman got dressed and handed the man a dollar.
The puzzled mailman asked, “Why are you giving me a dollar?”
The woman replied, “Well, when I was making my shopping list I asked my husband what should we give the nice mailman for Christmas and he said, “Fuck the mailman, give him a dollar!”
MONEY TALKS
Larry got home late one night and his wife said, “Where in the hell have you been?”
Larry replied, “I was out getting a tattoo.”
“A tattoo?” she frowned. “What kind did you get?”
“'I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis!” he said proudly.
“What the hell were you thinking?” She said, shaking her head in disgust. “Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his penis?”
“Well, for one thing, I like to watch my money grow. Two, every once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand… and lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!”
IT’S YOUR CHOICE
One bright and sunny morning a husband turned to his lovely wife and said, “Wife, we’re going fishing this weekend - you, me and the dog.”
The wife grimaced, “But I don’t like fishing!”
“Look! We’re going fishing and that’s final.”
“Do I have to go? I really don’t want to!”
“Okay, I’ll give you three choices... one, you come fishing with me and
the dog... two, you give me a blowjob, or three, you take it up the ass!”
The wife grimaced. “But I don’t want to do any of those things!”
“Wife, I’ve given you three options… you’ll have to choose one of them! I’m going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!”
The wife sat and thought about it, and twenty minutes later her husband came back.
“Well! What have you decided? Fishing with me and the dog, a blowjob, or up the ass?”
The wife complained some more, and then finally made up her mind. “Okay, I’ll give you a blow job!”
“Great!” he said as he dropped his pants.
The wife got on her knees and began doing her business, but suddenly stopped and looked up at her husband. “Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... it tastes all shitty!”
“Yeah,” said her husband, “the dog didn’t want to go fishing either!”