Broken Dreams

by Rissa Blakeley

  My mind traveled to the undead boy two floors up, and my breath hitched. The thought of a baby in this fucked up chaotic world scared me to no end. “I don’t know if I want to bring a child into this world. I have so many concerns.”

  “I can understand why you would feel like that. I just want to make you happy.”

  “What if Roger’s assholes get you? Then…”

  “Shhh, love. Don’t worry about them. They have nothing on me. I have much more to throw at them than they could imagine.” I wasn’t convinced, but I wanted to be.

  He said he was beaten to near death a few times. He had to be scared, and he had to be lying to me. He had to be just trying to make me feel better. “What do you mean? Wouldn’t they be trained like you?”

  “Well, yes, but…” He paused. “Most of the time they beat the shit out of me, I was zip tied to a metal chair. I was blindfolded and gagged. I beat every recruit blindfolded and untied from the chair on more than one occasion when we trained in that way. Besides…” He stopped. He was trying to think of the correct way to say what he wanted to say. He was definitely hiding something.

  “What are you hiding from me?”

  He flinched. My words stung him a little. He was aggravated and shook his head. “In due time, I’ll share with you.” He was scaring me, but he wanted me to be strong so I needed to fight the tears. He was right. I needed to be strong. I didn’t like that crying girl that kept coming to the surface.

  “Tell me about Liam.”

  He sighed. “Why do you want to know?”

  “I want to know more about you.”

  He laughed…not out of joy, but out of nervousness. He scratched at the beard that was filling in on his face. “We don’t have that much time in our lives for all the stuff I could tell you.”

  “Give me something, Henry. Anything. I think I deserve to know who you are.” He paused for a long period of time.

  “Okay. You’re right. I’ll tell you a little bit.” I wanted to know all of Henry: the good, the bad, the ugly, and the brilliance of the man that I wanted to share the rest of my life with. I would be thankful for anything.

  “When Roger initially pulled me into the program, I continued my life with my given name -- Luke Richards. Shortly after my two year probationary period, Roger assigned me a new identity. Liam Henry Daniels.” I was getting annoyed because he already told me that part. I wanted more.

  “It was difficult for me to accept this change. I wasn’t always in an orphanage. I have some memories of my mum. I can still hear her in my dreams call me by my given name. I have carried one picture of her and me...forever, I suppose. Roger never knew I still had it. I hid it from him.”

  Henry got up and went into his dresser drawer. He pulled out a picture from a box in the top drawer. He looked at it longingly for a moment, gently touching the picture, as if he could feel her. “Here.” He handed me the picture. It was creased and aged.

  I was in awe of her beauty, but they looked nothing like one another. I gathered that he must look like his father. “Wow, Henry, she’s beautiful, and you were…are pretty cute yourself.”

  He smiled at me. “She was. I only have vague memories of her.” He was silent for a moment, fighting with his emotions. He closed his eyes tight and took several deep breaths. No doubt he was reminiscing of the days with his mom. I could see the emotions being pushed back down. I was almost afraid to ask, but I had to know.

  “How did you end up in an orphanage?” He refilled my glass, then took another long pull of the whiskey himself.

  “She was murdered…in front of me.” I gasped. “My father wasn’t around so off I went.” He cleared his throat. “I’ve tried to bury it in my past, but I don’t want to let the few memories that I have go. Shit.” His voice cracked. “She was murdered on my fifth birthday.” I reached out to him, and he sat down next to me. “She was making me a cake. She saved every spare coin she could to buy me a toy truck.” He went silent.

  “Go on.”

  He cleared his throat again. “So Roger and his goons, our instructors, would beat me and make me repeat my new name. Sometimes, I would just be tied up; other times, blindfolded and tied up. It would get to be so brutal that there were times I would throw up or pass out from the pain.”

  My heart ached for him, seeing that his pain was real and was so very deep. He took another swig from the bottle. He rested his elbows on his legs, dangling the bottle in one hand, and put his face in the other. It took me a minute to realize that he was trying to hide that he was crying.

  “I’m so sorry you were put through all that.” He looked up at me and his tears flowed steadily from his fading eyes. All the abuse, all the lies, all the mental bullshit that was happening right outside the windows, plus the murder of his mother, was tearing him apart.

  “So, you see, I can’t be Luke.” He choked out a sob. “That boy doesn’t exist anymore, but even if he did, he would be mentally torn up. And I can’t be Liam. If I were, I would be full of aggression and ridiculous amounts of hatred. All I have left is Henry. And you. I’m nothing without you. I needed to separate myself from all of that, and shut off all of those emotions.” I reached over and wiped tears from his cheeks. “I was so afraid to tell you any of this. I thought you would run, far and fast.”

  “I’m here with you now, aren’t I?” He nodded.

  “I’m just so fucked up. I tried to bury it. It runs so close to the surface, but yet so deep.” I grabbed him and held him while he cried. I couldn’t believe he hid all of his pain from me. I was so furious that he was a pawn used in some sick and twisted game of life, power, and greed.

  Before the virus was released, he was so calm and happy-go-lucky when we were together. It was like a levee had broken. He cried in my arms. Seeing him so distraught, and me trying to keep him from shattering, was new for us. Henry was always the brave one but, from that point forward, I saw him differently. Sophie was right. He was fragile. Much more fragile than I could have ever imagined.

  Henry was a broken man.

  I pulled back from him some, then grabbed his face, like he always did mine when I needed comfort. I wanted to bring comfort to him. I wanted to get him through his pain and make him feel worthy.

  “Henry,” I whispered. I didn’t know what to say to him so I just kissed his salty tears. “I love you so much, Henry Daniels. I love you whole, and I love you broken.”

  “I love you more.” He softly smiled at me through his despair, and I couldn’t do anything but return it back to him.

  “Well, I don’t know about that. It’s not a contest.” My attitude was making a comeback. He sighed, with a chuckle mixed in. I didn’t want to make him go back out to talk to everyone until he was ready. It would humiliate him for them to see him so upset. We sat in silence, and had a few more drinks while he did his best to collect himself.

  “Well, we should probably go back out there and figure this out.”

  “Yeah, probably.” I kissed him but, this time, more passionately. I wanted him right then, but I knew we would get interrupted.

  “Mmm…” A soft groan radiated from his chest, and then he pulled away. “Hold that thought, love. Later, I’m taking you and fucking you senseless. Deal?” He winked at me and stood up.

  “Sounds like a good deal to me.” He took my hand and the bottle of whiskey, and led me out to the living room.

  ***

  I felt so close to him after he shared his true emotions with me. Claire looked at us, and I could see she was happy for us. I immediately felt guilty about Marc so I let go of Henry’s hand.

  Claire asked, “How are you feeling?”

  “Much better. I promise I won’t do that to you again.” She hugged me and kissed my cheek. She looked happy for me. For us. But I still felt guilty.

  “Have a seat, love.” Henry directed me toward the couch, turned around, and set the whiskey down on the table. He pulled up a chair from the dining room table. He set it down backward, straddli
ng it and crossing his arms on the back.

  “We’re going to break into two groups.” Everyone started their protesting again. Henry raised his voice. “This is non-negotiable.” The newfound silence was heavy. “I will lead one group, Sophie will lead the other. My group will consist of Nick and Claire. Sophie’s will be Elaina and Nate.”

  My jaw slammed to the floor. My anger was about to erupt like a volcano. After what we had just shared, he was forcing me to be with her? That was one of those moments I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. “Are you shitting me, Henry? Really? You’re fucking joking, right? You want me to be separated from you?”

  “I said this is non-negotiable.” His voice was calm, but he was glaring at me. It was like he was a different person than when we spoke in the bedroom.

  “But I want to go with you! I want to fight with you!”

  He stood up and slammed his fist on the table. “Damn it! I said this was not up for discussion!” He grabbed the whiskey bottle and took another swig.

  I stood up and got in his face. “Why? I want to know why right now!” Everyone was silent and looked a little nervous, but I blocked them out. I didn’t give two shits what they thought. It was like Henry and I were the only two in the room.

  “Why do you have to be so defiant all the bloody time?! Why can’t you just do what you are asked for once, without a fucking argument?!” I couldn’t believe what I had just heard.

  “Let me just back up for one moment. Ah, yes, I don’t recall you asking me what I wanted! And if you remember, just a few minutes ago, you wanted me to be the true Elaina, not some sappy, crying, whiny girl! So, here I am, doing exactly what you fucking asked me to do!” My fists were clenched at my sides. I was considering decking him.

  “It’s not always about what you want!” He barked at me. I felt someone’s hand on my shoulder. I whipped around, arm cocked and ready to throw a punch. It was Sophie.

  “What the fuck do you want?” I growled at her.

  “He wants you separated from him in case something happens to him. He knows you wouldn’t be able to handle having to give him a true death. That’s why he’s not pairing you up with anyone you love,” she whispered. It made sense when she explained it, but I hated that she was right.

  I felt like a fool and sagged a little. Why couldn’t he have just said that in the first place? Why did he have to be all combative, and not the Henry that I knew? I grabbed her hand off my shoulder and stormed past him. I ran down the hall and slammed the bedroom door, locking it before anyone could see me cry…again.

  ***

  Henry sighed and drank more whiskey. He looked at Nick, “Women. Can’t always make them happy, can we?” He chuckled a bit, and Nick half smiled at him.

  Henry was starting to feel the effects of the whiskey and he stumbled over the chair as he tried to turn toward the hallway. “I suppose I should go speak with her.”

  “No. I don’t think that’s your greatest idea, Henry. I’ve got this one.” Nick headed down the hall.

  Chapter 7

  I

  buried my face in Henry’s pillow and sobbed. Someone jiggled the doorknob, then knocked on the door. “Elaina, can I come in?” It was Nick. I didn’t want to see anyone at that moment, no matter who it was. The fucking president could come knocking on that door and I would still have cranked the bird at him and told him to go the fuck away.

  “Go away,” I choked out.

  “Elaina, please stop acting like a hormonal thirteen-year-old.” He knocked again. “Elaina!” I got up and opened the door because I knew he wouldn’t stop. “Thank you.”

  “I only opened it because you wouldn’t have stopped.” I went back to lie down on the bed. He stood there, rocking back and forth on his heels with one hand in his hair and one hand in his pocket.

  “Listen. What Sophie said was right. You could never give us true death if you had to.”

  I sat straight up. “I shot our father!”

  “I know!”

  “I did what I had to do for him. I don’t want to be separated from any of you anymore.”

  “I understand.” We were both quiet for a moment. He sat down on the bed next to me. “Elaina, I don’t think I could give you a true death.”

  “You could if you had to.”

  He shook his head. “No. I don’t think so. Look how I was with Jenna.” I sighed. I hated to admit it, but he was right. I picked at the fabric of the coverlet.

  “Henry and I shared a huge moment while we were in here a few minutes ago. I grew to understand him more. I learned so much about who he truly is. We connected so well. And then he treats me like I’m garbage. I felt like I was an inch tall. It’s like he is two different people.”

  “He’s under a lot of stress. This whole thing, whatever the hell it is, is resting on his shoulders. He feels he’s responsible. Don’t you see that?”

  “Yes!” I yelled as Henry stumbled into the room. He had his hands in his pockets. It was hard to look at him. He was looking at his feet, and from what I could see of his face, it was flush. Probably from all the whiskey that he was drinking.

  “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “My intention was exactly as Sophie said. I don’t think you could take me out, and I know I couldn’t take you out.”

  “You would if you had to. I can’t believe we are arguing about whether or not we could shoot one another.” We were all silent for a while, until we heard Sophie booking down the hall.

  “Henry!” she hollered. “Undeads in the hallway.”

  “Shit.” Henry nodded at Nick, and they ran out to the living room. I got up and went out there, as well. Henry grabbed the walkie talkie off of the table. I heard him instruct Claire. He had been drinking heavily, and I was worried.

  “Henry, you can’t go out there! You’ve been drinking! You’ll get killed.”

  “I’m fine,” he snapped.

  “No, you’re not! You were stumbling.” I looked around at everyone else. “No one is going to say anything?” Henry ignored me, and continued to shout instructions. I glared at everyone. No one was backing me up.

  Un-fucking-real!

  “Claire, I want you to open the door slowly like you did before.”

  “Got it.” She was all business.

  “Nick, cover me.”

  “On it.” They grabbed their Sigs and Claire waited for the signal to open the door. He held his hand up and listened. He lowered his hand and Claire pulled open the door.

  Sophie stood between me and the door, blocking my view on purpose. Two shots rang out, and I jumped. I couldn’t see who shot, or what they were shooting.

  Then Henry shouted, “Claire! Come with us. We are going to clear this floor.”

  Claire and I stared at one another for a moment, then she headed out the door. I was afraid that would be my last time seeing them alive.

  Sophie closed the door and locked it. Nate stood in silence, not knowing what to do or where to go. As for me, I was lost, emotionally and mentally.

  “So we just stand here and wait? I don’t understand why I’m the only one concerned that he was drinking!”

  “Yes. He’ll be fine.” She was a woman of few words for a change. I could sense she was worried about Henry, too.

  Then we heard Claire scream, and two more shots rang out. I ran to the door.

  “No! Do not open that door, Elaina.” I looked back at Sophie, and I started to tremble with fear. Three more gunshots rang out, then silence.

  I listened at the door, waiting for any sign that Henry, Claire, and Nick were okay. All that I could hear was my heart pounding in my ears. I looked back at Sophie again. She came to the door.

  “Why don’t you go sit down for a moment?”

  “Nope. I’m staying here until I know they are okay.” She pulled the walkie talkie off her belt, and turned it on.

  “I hope he turned his on. HD! I need a location on you.” Static. “HD, do you read me? I need a location.” Static. “Damn it, Henry! Gimme a moth
erfucking location! Do you need assistance?”

  “SJ, no assistance needed.” He sounded like he had been running. I was so relieved to hear his voice. “Less than thirty seconds until arrival.”

  “Gotcha, HD. Be safe.” Sophie looked just as relieved as I was. I was certain she still cared for him.

  That thirty seconds seemed like an eternity. Then I heard them running up to the door. Sophie pulled it open and jumped into Henry’s arms. I stood there looking at my brother and Claire.

  “Four more adults and...” Henry paused and looked at me. “Three children,” he said with a deep sadness. Claire looked like she was in shock.

  “Claire...” I said when I reached for her. She walked around me, walked past the table, and headed down to the bathroom. When she was out of earshot, Henry told us what happened.

  “The first two shots were one child and an adult. The rest of the children were roaming the hall. One lunged at Claire and she screamed. Nick shot one, and Claire the other. I saw that the door was open down the hall. I took off running toward it, and three undeads came out. I unloaded on them.

  “When I came back down the hall, Claire was still standing, pointing her gun at the true deads, completely white. Nick was trying to get her to come back here. I stepped in between her and them. I grabbed her gun and we headed back. Elaina, you might want to go check on her. I think she’s having a breakdown or something.” I nodded and headed down the hall.

  ***

  “Do you think she’ll be okay?” Nate was genuinely concerned about Claire’s welfare.

  “I don’t know.” Nick answered.

  Sophie pulled Henry to the side. “I was so worried about you. It was silent for way too long. Next time, give me a heads up. Alright?”

  “Okay,” Henry acknowledged.

  ***

  I knocked on the bathroom door. I could hear her in there, rummaging around. “Claire?”

  “Come in.” She was scrubbing her face, hands, and arms at a feverish pace. Her pale peach skin was bright red.