Broken Dreams

by Rissa Blakeley

  “You’re welcome,” she said with a self-satisfied grin.

  “Thomas, I talked to Nick and thought we could go to the school and look for Addie’s daughter. She has checked everywhere she can think of. The last place she was at was school, and she couldn’t get in there.”

  “We, as in…?” Thomas asked.

  “The three of us.” Thomas didn’t say anything for a few seconds.

  “I’m in.”

  “Thank you. So you see what I’m trying to do?”

  “Yeah. Addie helped us, and you wan’ to give back. I don’ see anythin’ wrong wit’ that.” I heard Claire sigh.

  “I don’t mind going.”

  “What?!” Claire immediately jumped on Nick.

  “I’m not going to let them go on their own. No one will be able to change his mind so we might as well go.” Nick was one hundred and ten percent correct.

  “Nick, this is foolish. You three may not come back!” Claire was really pissed.

  “I’ll come back. I promise you that. I have a lot to live for, and I won’t give up.” He laid his hand on her stomach.

  “Addie is looking out the door,” I whispered.

  “After breakfast, the three of us are going. You two girls stay here with Addie, and pack our stuff so we’re ready to go.”

  “Aye, aye, captain.” Claire wasn’t going to let up. We climbed out of the truck, one by one, and silently walked back up to the front porch.

  “What happened to you?” Addie grabbed Henry by the arm and dragged him inside.

  “I’m fine. I tripped over something in the lawn, knocked out a tooth.”

  “Why are you so cold? Are you getting sick?”

  “No, ma’am. I’m fine. I’m always cool for some reason.”

  “Alright. Well, come on then. I can get you cleaned up and check out your mouth.” Henry looked back at me and shrugged.

  “Addie? Would you like Claire and me to start breakfast?”

  “Sure, that would nice. Go ahead and slice up the vegetables in the basket. Once I get Henry taken care of, we can start a fire so I can cook breakfast.”

  As soon as Claire and I made it into the kitchen, I slapped a pepper into her hand.

  “I shouldn’t have done it,” she said.

  “You think?” I didn’t look at her as I was slicing another pepper.

  “I’m sorry. I’m just a little on edge right now.”

  I slammed the knife down onto the old butcher block countertop. “That’s no excuse!” I was trying to whisper, but it wasn’t working out that way. “How many times have you yelled at him for losing control? But there you are, socking my man in the face! Which is not the first time, I might add! You are being a fucking hypocrite!” I could see tears forming in her eyes.

  “I can’t lose Nick, too. Especially because…of the baby.” She said it under her breath, and I wondered if she wished it weren’t true.

  “Do you think I’m overly thrilled about this? Do you think I could handle losing Henry, or my brother? No, I can’t, and I don’t want them to go, either. But I have to accept it because that is Henry. This is what he does. This is how he is. There’s no changing him.”

  “He’s putting the others in jeopardy.” The tears were rolling down her pink cheeks.

  “Everything is dangerous, Claire. Picking veggies is dangerous. What can we do? This is it. This is what it is right now, and we have to learn to deal with it.”

  “I don’t want to.”

  I threw my arms up in the air. “Me, either, but I don’t have a choice. He has enough guilt stacked on him. If he doesn’t try, it would add more weight until it crushed him completely.”

  “It’s his choosing!”

  “Some of it is. Claire, he’s a mess. Haven’t you figured that out? He is a goddamn mess. If it makes him feel good about himself, then he needs to do it. I don’t want him to, but I can’t stop him. Do you have any idea what he said to me back at that townhouse in Jersey, when he melted down about Sophie?” My voice cracked.

  “No…”

  “He told me that if he didn’t have me, he would have put a bullet in his head right next to her. I have a feeling he almost did, and that’s why he screamed at us to get to the trucks.” Because of what he carried on the inside, I felt guilty for being so hard on him. I picked up the knife and continued cutting up the vegetables in silence, tears running down my face. Claire had nothing else to say after that.

  ***

  Addie dragged Henry into the bathroom. She opened the medicine cabinet and found some gauze pads. “Have a seat and put this in your mouth. I’m going to go get some salt water for you to rinse with.” Henry pushed the shower curtain to the side, and settled down on the edge of the tub.

  When Addie walked out of the room, he thought, Was this what having a mother felt like? He sat there for a moment, trying to remember a moment like this with his own mother. All that he could see, in his mind’s eye, was his mother getting beaten and raped. It sent a chill up his spine.

  Addie came back in with a cup of salt water before his downward spiral of self-loathing began again. “The girls are practically at each other’s throats. They didn’t even see me go into the kitchen.”

  Henry chuckled when he took the cup from her. “What’s new? We all fight way too much. Probably because we all spend way too much time cooped up together.”

  “Y’all should remember that each day alive is a blessing. Tomorrow may never happen.”

  “Yes, you are correct, Addie.” He flashed back to seeing Sophie true dead on the side of the highway. He shivered again.

  “Let me have a look.” Henry bent over at the sink with his mouth open. Addie looked at him with a curiosity that made him nervous. “Your eyes are really green. They almost sparkle. I wonder why I didn’t notice that yesterday.” She was able to pull herself away from his glance. “Well, anyway, I’m sure that’s how you won over Elaina. A handsome man with those eyes, and your accent...” Henry smiled, feeling relief that she didn’t question him over his eyes. “It looks okay. Just be careful with it for a day or two. Keep rinsing with salt water after you eat anything.”

  “I surely didn’t win her over with my stunning personality.”

  “Aw, come on. Don’t sell yourself short. You’re a nice guy deep down. I can see that.”

  “I try. It’s hard for me. I have been through a lot.”

  “Yes, as have we all.”

  Henry looked at her. “We were supposed to be married the day this madness started. The pastor… We’ve lost…” Henry shook his head. “Never mind. I don’t want to talk about it.” His face flushed, and he feared he might become emotional. Addie put her hand on his cool shoulder.

  “I’m sorry,” she said.

  “Addie… I want to help you.”

  “With what?” She was confused.

  “I want to go to the school and see if your daughter is alive.”

  “No,” she quipped. “Absolutely not.”

  “Yes.” Henry gave her tone right back to her.

  “Henry, you haven’t seen the school. It’s overrun. I’m sure she must be one of them.” Her voice got quieter as she spoke.

  “Addie, listen, I understand what’s out there. You’ve helped us by opening your home and feeding us. I want to help you. I’m going to go, whether you want me to or not.”

  She chose to ignore him for the moment. “How did you hurt your hand?” Addie picked up his bandaged hand. Henry swallowed hard. He didn’t want to relive Sophie’s death once again.

  “I broke it,” he said in a near whisper.

  “How?” She was genuinely curious and concerned.

  “I was angry.”

  “You have to learn to control that. You’re going to tear yourself up if you keep letting all that rage fly around.”

  “I know. But… I don’t want to talk about it.” Addie unwrapped his hand. She could see how much emotional pain it caused Henry to even see it. She was confused, but she knew the
re must have been a good reason for his reaction. She was as gentle as possible, but he winced when she touched it. It was still tender, but the bruising was gone.

  “There’s some swelling. I’m going to rewrap it with a different bandage, and hopefully it will help.”

  “Thank you,” Henry muttered. The pain in his hand reminded him of how his emotions exploded when he made Sophie true dead. It also continued to remind him that he was still alive.

  Addie left and came back to the bathroom in less than a minute.

  “By the way, I saw Claire punch you.” Henry looked down at his bare chest. There were a few drops of blood on it. “I heard some of what she was saying. And some of what the girls were carrying on about in the kitchen. Your wanting to help me is causing some tension. I don’t want this to divide you.”

  “I’m sorry you witnessed that. I’m going to help you, whether or not Claire is happy with it.”

  She finished wrapping his hand. “Well, finish getting yourself cleaned up and get dressed. I’m going to go make breakfast.”

  Addie turned and left Henry alone with his thoughts. He looked into the mirror, staring into his eyes. He clenched his jaw. The bitter feeling ran through his body like a shower of hot sparks. He had an intense desire to punch his reflection in the mirror, but he controlled it. He growled and walked out of the bathroom.

  ***

  Addie walked into the kitchen. “Well, if someone would like to start a fire out in the grill, that would be wonderful. I’ll prepare the eggs. It’s out of propane so we’ll need a regular fire. There’s some dry kindling just inside the barn.”

  “I’ll take care of it.” Nick was leaning up against the counter next to Claire. She touched his hand, showing some affection. Nick smiled at her, and his hand grazed across her lower abdomen. Addie handed him some matches. He pulled his gun out of the back of his pants just as he was walking out the door.

  “I know it’s not my place, but I think you girls need to be easier on Henry. He’s in a lot of turmoil.”

  “Believe me, I understand that better than anyone,” I said with confidence, but I still felt ashamed for my past behavior. It bothered me that she thought she knew enough about his situation to comment on it. No one knew the extent of his turmoil like I did.

  “Well, he’s hurting.” I crossed my arms while listening to her lecture me about Henry. “I can see it in his eyes. He doesn’t know how to get it out, other than aggression, and he’s trying to hide it with that bottle.” She pointed at the empty vodka bottle that sat in the sink. What we didn’t know was that Henry was standing just shy of the door, listening to the conversation.

  “His pain goes way back, well into his childhood, but you don’t really know too much about his situation so, please, I ask you to leave it, Addie.”

  “You’re right, Elaina. I don’t know much about his situation, but I can tell you Henry depends on people, on you, to keep him right.” Now that she said that, it made a little sense. “He needs you, and he needs this group to stand together to keep him on the straight and narrow. And, from my own personal experience, division isn’t what an emotionally weak person needs.” I began biting my lip, trying to keep my own emotions at bay. Addie took me by the hands. “It’s going to be okay.” I couldn’t look at her for fear that I would cry. I wanted my old strong exterior, which shattered ages ago.

  I heard Henry’s heavy footsteps come into the kitchen. I glanced his way. His face was relaxed, and his eyes, his beautiful emerald eyes, sparkled. I ran to him and wrapped my arms around his neck. He pulled away, and I could feel that he was uncomfortable being in the same room as Claire.

  “Henry, I would like to apologize to you.” He just looked at her with a blank stare. “I shouldn’t have punched you like that. I was just upset, and felt you were taking everyone’s life for granted so you could be the hero…yet again.”

  “Well, that was a backhanded apology,” I mumbled.

  “I don’t want to be a hero. I didn’t ask for this. It’s a burden that I carry, and I want to help Addie. It’s the least I can do for her since she has helped us with a place to stay and food. It’s my job, as the leader of this crew, to help when I see fit.”

  “You barely know her!”

  “Umm, Claire, she’s standing right in the room with us.” Addie grabbed the bowl with the eggs in it and walked out the back door.

  “Why are you so resistant?” Henry asked, trying to control his temper. His good hand was clenched to the point that it was shaking.

  “Have you forgotten what’s happened over the last couple months? You can’t save the world, Henry!”

  “Yes, he can,” I murmured.

  “Really, Elaina? Do you really think Henry can save the world?” I whipped around and glared at her. I swallowed hard, trying to push away the tongue lashing that I wanted to give her. I was unsuccessful.

  “How dare you!” I glowered at her. “If it wasn’t for this man right here, we would be dead. Do you not understand that?!” I tried to keep my voice even. “If you don’t want to keep going then, by all means, go back. I have my doubts and my worries, but he’s what keeps me going. I want to marry him. I want to have a stable life with him. And I want a family with him.”

  That made Claire pull in a sharp breath. “Do you think it’s easy, knowing that I could be bringing a baby into this fucked up world? Do you think I’m excited to be playing house with someone?” We heard the screen door close. Nick was standing there, and the hurt in his face was evident. He looked at Claire for a long moment, then stormed out of the kitchen. “Nick, wait! I didn’t mean it like that!”

  He turned around when he got to the door and faced Henry. “I’m ready whenever you are.” Henry nodded, and Nick stormed off out front.

  “Nick, please! Wait!” Claire stopped when the front door slammed before she could get to it. She began crying. I wanted to run to her and comfort her, but she had been a royal hormonal bitch to everyone. I was having trouble forgiving her for being the hypocrite that she was. My heart was breaking for my brother.

  “I better go talk to him,” I said to Henry.

  “Okay. Be careful.” He brushed my cheek with his lips. Claire was sitting on the floor in front of the door with her head in her lap, sobbing. Thomas was sitting on the couch, looking unsure as to what he should be doing, or where he should be looking. As I opened the door to the outside, he got up and guided Claire to the couch.

  ***

  Nick was sitting on the dilapidated front steps, picking up tiny pebbles and throwing them haphazardly toward the old country road. I sat down beside him. There was nothing across the road from Addie’s house but an empty wheat field.

  “Mind if I join in?”

  “It’s of your choosing,” he mumbled. I began searching for some pebbles to throw. We were silent for a few minutes. I didn’t want to push the conversation. I wanted him to lead it.

  “Elaina, where have I gone wrong with her? I don’t understand.” He sounded heartbroken.

  “I think she’s just scared, and sometimes when that happens, shit flies out of her mouth.”

  He shook his head, fighting the ache that was filling him. “When Jenna died, I was crushed. But interacting with Claire made me realize that what I truly wanted had been in front of me for years. I thought my insecurities were put to rest when she came back with my guitar. She risked her life just to see me smile! I don’t understand where I went wrong.” He was beating himself up for no reason.

  “I don’t know what’s going on with her. I think she’s scared to death. She’s subconsciously pushing us all away. Her hormones are probably all out of whack or something.”

  Nick smiled and shook his head a little. “You have a way with words, Elaina. What am I going to do? Am I ready to be a father in this madness?”

  “You’re going to be an excellent father. I can’t imagine it any other way. I’ve never seen you in so deep with someone. You can’t let her push you away. She needs you.”
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  “I don’t know how to bring her back to me. She wouldn’t even talk to me this morning after Henry barged in, telling me what we were going to do. Then when she came out and decked Henry…and, might I add, that was a killer punch…” I smiled, “I thought she was alright with me. That she accepted my fate, you know?”

  “Yeah. I don’t know what’s going on inside of her head. I can’t take any more of this arguing and division, though. I can’t, Nick. I need Henry as my husband, you as my brother, Claire as my best friend, and Thomas…well, as a younger brother. I just want us to be a happy family, being there for one another without all of this bickering.”

  “I want to work toward that again. It’s just so difficult with all of these fucking things.” He pointed up, and there was an undead staggering toward us. I sighed. Nick held up his Sig and took the poor savage out. We continued talking, like shooting a former living person was no big deal. I found that a bit odd.

  “Do you feel sorry for them?” I asked.

  “Them?”

  “The undeads. Do you feel sorry for them?”

  “For the most part. They didn’t ask for this to happen to them.” I was waiting for it. “Like me.” And there it was.

  “I know. It’s killing Henry inside. It really is. I’ve been woken up in the middle of the night by him talking in his sleep. He’s so tortured. He’s apologizing to everyone, calling for his mother, sometimes crying… I can’t imagine living with what he does. He’s a like a nuclear bomb, waiting to go off, a finger hovering over the big red button.”

  “I understand, but he officially changed my life.” He grabbed his arm where Henry bit him.

  “Does it still hurt?” I touched his arm.

  “Sometimes. I try to ignore the pain. I have better things to think about.” The door opened behind us, and Henry stepped out onto the porch.

  “Uh, sorry to interrupt. I heard a gunshot. Everything okay?” He saw the undead laying in the middle of the road. “Ah. Addie said breakfast is ready.”

  “Thanks, Henry.” I smiled at him. The worry began to rush through me. He shut the door quietly behind him. I looked at Nick, and he saw the flood coming.