Love & Light

by Michele Shriver

  I nod. “Yeah, it does.”

  “If you’re truly interested, don’t give up,” my dad says. “Sometimes the best relationships are the ones you have to fight a little harder for.”

  “I guess that’s why you’re the grown-ups and I’m the kid, huh?” I joke.

  “Hey, with age comes experience, or something like that.” Liz laughs. “With that settled, shall we order dessert? I think there’s a piece of cheesecake with my name on it.”

  I want to text Kori and make sure she’s okay, but I want to give her a little space too. Besides, I enjoy these times with my family. “And a fudge brownie sundae with mine,” I say.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  ~Landon~

  My plan to give Kori her space means not really discussing what happened at dinner. I gave her back the money that she left on the table, saying my parents insisted on paying for everything. She apologized for being rude and leaving, but when I asked her if she wanted to talk about it, she suggested we leave it alone and just worry about our upcoming test.

  Since I can take a hint, that’s what we did.

  She came to baseball practices, and we kept up our study schedule, trying to jam as much information as we could into our heads over a week. I feel good about things by the time test day rolls around.

  “Are you ready for this?” Kori asks me as she takes her now familiar seat beside me.

  “As ready as I can be. Though I still think it’s wrong to have a test on a Friday,” I say.

  “Hey, Monday would be worse,” she counters, and I’m inclined to agree. “Don’t worry. We’ve got this. Partner,” she adds with a smile.

  I nod. “Yep. Good luck, partner.” I hold out my fist for a bump.

  She obliges, laughing a little. I like the sound of her laugh and I wish I heard it more often.

  We don’t have the chance to talk any more because the test is passed out. It’s multiple choice and true/false, and some of the questions are tricky. It’s mostly everything we’ve studied, though, and I feel pretty confident about it when I turn the test in with about ten minutes to spare.

  Kori’s still working on it, so I wait outside the classroom for her to finish.

  “You didn’t have to wait,” she says when she comes out.

  “I wanted to,” I say with a shrug. “So what’d you think?”

  “Not too bad, I guess. About what I expected.” We walk out of the building. “You finished fast.”

  “Yeah, I’ve always been a fast test taker,” I say. “Hopefully not too fast, though.” That’s always my worry, but I think this one went well.

  “Well, it was nice studying with you. I think we made a pretty good team,” Kori says. “So I guess I’ll see you around.”

  Just like that, she’s going to take off? She makes it sound so final, and I don’t like it. “Wait, where are you going?”

  “Back to my room. Why?”

  “I thought maybe we’d go out somewhere to celebrate. Get some food, maybe see a movie...”

  Kori stops walking. “I think it’s too soon to celebrate. We don’t even know how we did.”

  We don’t, that’s true, but I doubt that’s her issue. “We can still go out,” I say. “I thought we were friends.” And maybe becoming more, although I might have been foolish and presumptuous to think that.

  “And I thought you wanted a study partner for the Psych test.”

  “I did, yeah.” Did she think that was all? “And I wanted to get to know you better. I still do. I like you, Kori.” There. It’s out there. I can’t take it back.

  Kori gives me a frown. “What are you saying?”

  I thought it was obvious, but maybe not. I’ve never had this much trouble asking a girl out before. Then again, once baseball season started, I haven’t had to ask too much. I’m used to things just kind of happening. I think about what my dad said, though, about the best relationships being the ones you had to work for. I sure hope he’s right.

  I jam my hands in my pockets and look at Kori. “I’m saying I like you and I’d like to take you out. You know... like on a date.”

  ~Kori~

  A date. My breath catches as that sinks in. I thought Landon just wanted to study for the Psychology test, or maybe be my friend because he feels sorry for me and he’s been through something similar. But seeing me as dating material? I didn’t expect that.

  Sure, I’ve dated before. I had a pretty steady boyfriend through high school named Remy, and there were times I even thought we might get married. Then everything changed when my mom got sick. I didn’t have as much time to spend with Remy anymore, because I wanted to be with my mom. And even when I was with Remy, I wasn’t really there because I was distracted and worried about my mom.

  Things finally ended badly a few weeks before the senior prom, with Remy telling me I’d become ‘a major drag.’ He took Ellie Masters to the prom and I stayed home. I didn’t have any other offers and besides, I didn’t want to be a drag for anyone else.

  I still don’t, which is why Landon’s admission surprises me and scares me. He’s an athlete, a jock, and he’s also really cute and nice. He could have his pick of most of the girls on campus, starting with Amanda Davis, so why is interested in me?

  Is it because he feels sorry for me? Even more than not wanting to be a drag, I don’t want to be anyone’s charity case. Especially because in the short time I’ve known Landon, I’ve come to like him and it would hurt too much for him to think of me as only a drag or a head case who needs to be saved.

  “Kori? Did you hear me?”

  “Yeah, I heard you.”

  “So?” Landon looks at me expectantly, and I know I need to give him an answer.

  He’s so cute, standing there with his hands in his pockets, backpack slung over one shoulder, and I want to say ‘yes.’ I want to say I’ll have dinner with him and see a movie. I want to say yes, I’m interested too, so let’s do that. Let’s go out and have fun. After all, we’re two college students. That’s what we’re supposed to do, right?

  The problem is fun doesn’t come naturally to me anymore, and instead of saying yes, I find myself shaking my head no. “I can’t. Not tonight. I’m sorry.”

  “Do you have other plans?” Landon asks.

  “No... no other plans,” I’m forced to admit. “I just... can’t do it tonight, okay?”

  “Not tonight? Or not ever? I mean, can you at least give me an idea where I stand with you? Some chance, no chance, what?” He has so many questions, and I don’t like feeling pressured, but he has a right to know.

  I take a deep breath. If I say no chance, then he’ll walk away. He’s a good guy, a gentleman, and he has his pride. If I tell him I’m not interested, he’ll leave me alone.

  And I’ll always wonder what I might have missed out on.

  I may still be struggling with life these days, but I know don’t want to live it with a bunch of ‘what ifs.’

  “Some chance,” I say after a minute. “Definitely some chance. Tonight’s just a little too much, too soon, you know?”

  He nods. “Yeah, I get it. Thanks for letting me down gently and saying there’s at least a chance. Have a good night, Kori.”

  I swallow hard, wanting to backtrack, say I changed my mind, but instead all I manage to say is, “You too, Landon.”

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  ~Kori~

  His shoulders seem to slump a little as he walks away, and even though he said I let him down gently, I wonder if I hurt his feelings and blew any chance I had with him. It would serve me right if I did. I’m standing still, letting life pass me by. And the worst part is that even though I know that’s what I’m doing, I can’t seem to stop.

  I can’t seem to make myself go after Landon, either, so I turn the other way and head back to the dorm. As I pass by the dining hall, I glance at my watch. It’s opening again for dinner in a few minutes. I’m not really hungry yet, but I know if I get in there right when it opens, I can beat the crowd and have som
e space and time to myself.

  I’m the first one there when the doors open, and the dining hall manager, Mary, gives me a smile. “You must be hungry this afternoon.”

  Not hungry, no. Just antisocial. “Yes, I sure am. I just finished a big test, and I think I worked up an appetite.” She’s a sweet, older lady and I don’t know why I just lied to her other than I don’t want people thinking I’m weird or something. Which is stupid, because almost everyone thinks I’m weird anyway.

  The entree tonight is pork chops, which are sometimes pretty decent, and there’s always a pizza or burger option, but I pass by all three and go right to the salad bar. I fill a small plate with some lettuce, a few carrot shreds, a spoonful of sunflower seeds and a little bit of cottage cheese. I know neither my mother nor Dr. Morris would approve of my meal choices, but they aren’t here.

  I take my usual seat at a table in the corner by the window. Most of the time, I’m left alone to eat in peace, but occasionally when the place is really busy, someone will come by and ask if they can sit at my table. That’s why I try to avoid being here when it’s busy.

  I eat in a hurry to avoid the rush, even though things are usually pretty quiet on Fridays, and go back to the dorm. I’m about to just head up to my room, like In usually do, but I pass by the pool table. A week ago, I challenged Landon to a match and quickly realized my mistake. He knows his way around a pool table. Still, even though I know he let me win, I enjoyed playing with him. Then again, every time I do something with Landon, I end up having a good time.

  Yet still I push him away. Some shrink would probably have a field day with that one.

  No one’s using the table right now, so I set my backpack on the floor and start racking the balls. I finish that and grab a cue.

  “Do you want to play a game?” I’m just about to hit the break shot when the voice interrupts me, and I look up. It’s a guy from the floor below me. His name is Cody or Coby or something like that. He’s got blond hair that hangs in his eyes and he’s actually pretty cute. But he’s not Landon, and playing pool with him means socializing.

  “What?”

  “I asked if you wanted to play a game. You know, rather than play by yourself.”

  Actually, playing by myself didn’t sound too bad. I shake my head. “No thanks. I really don’t feel much like playing anyway.” I hand him the cue. “The table’s all yours.”

  ~Landon~

  I’m not used to getting shot down, so it stings a little. Okay, it stings a lot. I tell myself it’s not me, it’s not really a rejection. After all, Kori did say that I have some chance. She’s just not ready yet.

  On some level, I get that. I understand what it’s like to feel numb, like time is standing still for you while the rest of the world keeps on moving. The trick is realizing that you can’t be stuck, frozen. You need to keep moving too.

  I’m not sure what it is about Kori, why I’m so drawn to her, but I want to be there when that moment of realization comes for her. And if I can be part of the reason for it, that would be even better. So I’m willing to be patient, give her a little time, for now.

  Too bad that leaves me with nothing to do on a Friday evening. I get back to my dorm and I’m about to go up to my room to see if my roommate’s around and wants to go to the dining hall, or maybe somewhere else to eat, when I hear someone call my name.

  I turn around, and it’s Amanda. “Hey,” I say.

  “Hey yourself, stranger,” she says. “I feel I haven’t seen you in forever.”

  We may live in the same dorm, but on separate floors, and our paths haven’t crossed much in the past couple weeks. Then again, that could be because I’ve been so preoccupied with baseball and studying for the test. “Sorry, been busy,” I say, though I’m not that sorry. I didn’t like the way she insulted Kori the last time we talked.

  “How’d your test go?” Amanda asks. “It was today, right?”

  I nod. “Yeah. I think it went well.” It’s nice of her to ask, especially since most of the time she’s pretty self-centered. “Some tricky questions, but I feel good about it.”

  “That’s great,” she says, and tucks a strand of blond hair behind her ear. “So what are you doing tonight to celebrate?”

  “No big plans.” In a way, it kind of sucks, especially since I don’t have a game tomorrow that I need to rest up for. “I’ll probably grab some food with Lucas, then maybe head to the gym.” Not how I’d hoped to spend the evening, for sure.

  “Boring!” Amands says in a sing-song voice that I find annoying. “Lucky for you, I came along.”

  “Lucky, huh? How so?”

  She reaches into her pocket and pulls out two tickets, holding them up. “New stand-up act tonight over at Clark Street, and my roomie just flaked on me. But that’s okay. You’re much cuter.” She smiles. “What do you say? Want to go have some fun tonight?”

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  ~Landon~

  I’m not particularly interested in Amanda or her flirting, but she knows me and she knows I like comedy night at Clark Street. “Who’s the act?” I ask. If it’s somebody lame that I’ve seen before, she can forget it.

  She glances at the tickets. “Randy Collins. You heard of him?”

  Man, have I ever. “Heck, yeah. He’s supposed to be a trip. I’ve been wanting to see him.” I don’t even try to keep the enthusiasm out of my voice.

  Amanda grins. “I guess that’s a yes, then?”

  I hesitate, but not for long. It doesn’t have to be a date, I tell myself. Nothing like that has to happen. But no way can I pass up an opportunity to see Randy Collins. “It’s a yes,” I tell Amanda. “I just need to run upstairs first. Give me ten minutes.”

  I dash up to my room, and Lucas isn’t there anyway. I guess it is a good thing Amanda came along or I might have been eating alone. I toss my backpack on my desk and change shirts—into something slightly nicer—and I’m back downstairs in less than ten minutes.

  I probably shouldn’t, but I let Amanda hold my hand as we walk the three blocks from campus up to the comedy club. There’s already a pretty good crowd when we get there, but some decent tables are left.

  “Shall we grab that one in the third row?” Amanda points to it. “Close to the front, but not too close.”

  “Good thinking,” I say. Since I don’t know for sure what to expect from this act, it may not be one you want to sit in the first row for, where sometimes spectators are ripe for being picked on and embarrassed. “Since you got the tickets, I’ll get the food. What do you want?”

  “Burger and fries,” Amanda says. “Thanks.”

  “Coming up.” I go up to the counter to order our food, making sure I show them my student ID card for a discount. The food’s not great here, just a step above fast food, but that’s fine. I’m not here for the food, or even the company. I’m just here for the comedy act.

  It starts out with failed pick-up lines, and I get a chuckle out of a few. I don’t care as much for the political jokes, and I’m really glad he steers clear of religious ones. The best part of the night, at least for me, is when he gets into the sports jokes.

  Collins knows his audience, that’s for sure, tossing out some New York Rangers jokes that leave most of the crowd laughing, before launching into the big hit—Yankees jokes—which turn the laughs into howls. All in all, I enjoy the act, but Amanda has a bored expression on her face by the time it’s done.

  “You didn’t enjoy it?” I ask.

  She shrugs. “It was okay, I guess. Not really my thing.” It’s a reminder that I don’t have much of anything in common with her, which is one reason why things sort of fizzled out for me after a few dates.

  “Sorry about that. I liked it, though. Thanks for inviting me.”

  “I know you like comedy,” Amanda says. “And I haven’t seen you in a while.” We get up to leave, and she links her hand through mine again. “So where are we going now?”

  That’s the problem with accepting her invita
tion. She probably thinks it’s a date and I’m hers for the night, when I really only wanted to see Randy Collins. “I should probably just go back to my dorm,” I say, feeling a little guilty for possibly leading her on and making her think something might happen between us.

  “I’ve got a better idea,” Amanda says. “Come back to mine. I told you my roommate’s gone.” She leans closer to me, and I pull away and wrench my hand free from hers.

  “No thanks. Not tonight.”

  “Jeez, what happened to you?” she pouts. “You used to be fun, but no more. Is it the ghost girl? Has she sucked all the life out of you?”

  She doesn’t use a name, but I know who she’s referring to, and it pisses me off. “You don’t know anything about her, Amanda. If you did, you wouldn’t say things like that. Or maybe you would, because that’s the kind of person you are. Either way, you’re not someone I care to hang around with anymore.”

  ~Kori~

  There’s a difference between being alone and being lonely. I’m fine with the former, but the latter sucks. I like my space, my peace and quiet, my me time. I can handle alone just fine. Lonely I don’t do well with. And tonight, I find myself feeling lonely.

  Not just lonely, though. Confused.

  If my mom were still here, I could talk to her. Or if I had an older sister... I’ve always wanted a sister. Sure, my kid brother is great, but I can’t exactly talk to him about a guy. I can’t really talk to my dad, either. As for friends, I don’t exactly have a whole lot of them. So who does that leave?

  I lay back on my bed and dial Colorado. My uncle answers. “Hi Uncle Paul,” I greet him. “Is Aunt Alison there?”

  “Sure, I’ll get her. Is something wrong, Kori?”

  I shake my head even though he can’t see me. “No, I’m okay. I just want to talk to Alison.”

  Less than a minute later, my aunt is on the phone. “Hey, Korinne. This is a surprise.”

  Alison is one of the few people that calls me by my full name, and it’s something she only started after my mom—her sister—got sick. It’s like she knew she’d kind of be taking on the mother role in my life. Not that anyone can fill that void, but Alison tries and I love her for it. “Is it a bad time?” I ask.