Hate to Love You

by Ivy Symone

  I couldn’t even remember half the stuff he had done to me the next morning. All I know was I was feeling like Tina was in What’s Love Got to Do with It when she had had enough and tried to kill herself.

  I lay in my hospital room bed and remained quiet. I didn’t even talk to the doctors and nurses.

  “She still seems to be in quite bit of a shock. And with these type of incidents, it’s expected,” the doctor explained. “Sometimes it takes a while. Just give her some space and when she’s ready, she’ll talk. I definitely urge you to continue with counseling once she’s discharged. The psychiatrist that assessed her has already set up her first appointment in her office for next week. She says she’s showing signs of post-traumatic stress disorder for sure.”

  The irony of it all! The doctor was talking to the man who had done this to me. Marcos stood off to the side as if he was a concerned husband who happened to come to his wife’s aide after being attacked and robbed. That’s what he told the authorities and the hospital staff. I wanted to laugh but the pain from my broken ribs wouldn’t let me. My face was so swollen I doubt I could even form a smile.

  Beverly waltzed into the room with her usual dramatics. “Oh dear! How are you feeling?”

  Marcos looked back at his mother. “Ma, don’t bother her.”

  Beverly sat down on the edge of the bed and caressed my face. She continued to talk to me soothingly with sorrow in her eyes. She whispered, “You’ve got to stop doing this to yourself sweetie.”

  She knew her son had done this to me. She bent down to kiss my forehead. “The less you fight the better it gets. He loves you. I know he does but you’re gonna make him kill you one day.”

  I cried silently. There was no hope for me.

  Beverly wiped away my tears. “We gotta get you better for my grandbabies. They can’t see their mother like this. Would you like for me to stay at the house to help out for a while?”

  I nodded.

  The doctor left. Marcos walked over to the bed and looked down at me. Usually after beating me he showed a little remorse and was apologetic. Not this time. I disgusted him now.

  “See the bullshit you put me through,” he growled at me. I flinched because I thought he was going to hit me again. “You creating unnecessary medical bills and shit. And as soon as your ass heal, I’ma fuck you up again.”

  “Marcos, don’t be saying stupid shit like that,” Beverly chastised.

  “She a dumb ass bitch,” he said.

  “Why don’t you go home,” she said.

  “Nope, cause I don’t trust her stupid ass,” he said. “I’ma be up here until they discharge her.”

  I continued to cry and sniffle. I made up my mind right then and there that I would take my own life. I wasn’t sure when but I had to do it.

  Chapter 11

  Taking my life was selfish so I put that plan on the back burner. I couldn’t do that to my children. I took Beverly’s advice and just shut up.

  By the time I went home after that incident, Marcos had calmed down. He kept his distance. However, in January when my twenty-first birthday came around, he whisked me away on a tour of several Caribbean islands for about three weeks. We didn’t travel alone. It was a group of us and I must say it was one of my best birthday celebrations.

  I had Bridgette, Nikki, Corvell, and Chrissy all with me and we had a fabulous time. And despite the wedge between Marcos and me, we even enjoyed one another. He catered to me a lot. He even kept his wandering eyes from roaming during that time. It was all about me.

  I didn’t even want the vacation to end. Oh! And I got a kick out of watching Corvell and Boogie act as if they disgusted one another. I even covered for them so they could sneak off and enjoy some alone time on the islands. Their secret was safe with me. I was just worried about how Boogie was going to handle when the secret came out. But I was happy for Corvell because since I knew, Boogie hadn’t been abusive with Corvell anymore.

  And that girl that supposedly was pregnant by Marcos admitted that Marcos was not the father. So maybe I got my ass kicked for nothing. He never knew that’s why I did what I did. Corvell found out through Boogie that the baby ended up not being Marcos’s. But as the years passed, there was always a girl claiming to be carrying Marcos’s baby.

  Like now; this white bitch Terra was determined to take Marcos away from me. She just didn’t know, I wanted her to but he wasn’t giving his family up for her. She and I would argue over the phone because she loved fucking with me. All she was doing was making herself less desirable for Marcos. I wouldn’t argue or make a big deal out of it. I would simply tell Marcos, “Terra still calling me. Can you ask her to at least not call after ten.”

  Marcos wouldn’t say anything but I would hear through the grapevine that her pale white skin had been turned a few shades of purple and blue.

  “He don’t even want you anymore,” Terra was saying to me.

  “He don’t?” I said sarcastically. “So what makes you think after all these years he’s gonna leave me to be with you?”

  “He basically done left you already,” she pointed out. “Where he be at?”

  This was one of those dumb white girls that thought they were black. I often wondered where Marcos found some of these girls. Terra was actually an employee of his. She worked one of his night clubs or so that’s what I had been told. Marcos also had a strip club that he didn’t think I knew about. I was thinking that’s where she came from.

  “I don’t know. Tell me where he be at?” I asked mocking her.

  “With me and our daughter. He done put us in a four bedroom house and everything,” she boasted.

  Normally, the things she said to me didn’t bother me but when she mentioned ‘our daughter’, she had started pushing the right buttons.

  She laughed. “Oh yeah, we got a daughter. Why ain’t none of your little friends tell you that since they keep you informed about everything else?”

  “What do you want, Terra?” I asked angrily. “You want me to know all of this for what reason? You want me to leave Marcos? Hell, I’ve been trying for years. You want him to leave me and have him all to yourself? Take him! But guess what? He won’t fucking go!”

  “Whatever, Nephia,” she said blowing out a frustrated breath. “He won’t divorce you because he know you’ll take everything from him.”

  I laughed. “That’s what he tell you, huh? I don’t want anything. The only thing I want is my freedom from him. If you want him and the headache that goes along with him, you can have him. Shit, I heard the nigga beating on you too. That’s what you want?”

  “He don’t do half the shit he do to you to me.”

  “Oh, and that’s cool?” I shook my head and couldn’t help but laugh. “I tell you what. You and I both can confront him together and ask him what he wants. Where is he?”

  She didn’t say anything.

  “Terra, I’m so serious right now because I’m tired of this,” I said trying to hold back tears. “If you can take him off my hands I will be forever grateful and indebted to you because I swear I hate him. You can have him.”

  “He should be home by nine,” she told me.

  Wow. I knew he had other places he laid his head but hearing another woman comfortably calling her home his home was a big dose of reality.

  I got Terra’s address and headed over to her house and waited for Marcos to show up. While waiting, she filled me in on their plans of being together. She was a pretty white girl with strawberry blonde hair. She was a little older than I was. She had a nice body for a white girl; you know the kind that looked good in a pair of thongs but she really didn’t have an ass.

  But what made all of this tough for me was the two year old girl. She looked just like Marcos, Marcena, and Yanna. The only difference was her hair was a dusty auburn unlike all of our ink black hair.

  I sat in the den patiently when Marcos walked through the door that led to the garage. He didn’t even notice me.

  “Baby!” he cal
led out.

  Brittani, the two year old ran up to him with a smile and reached for him. Marcos lifted her up in his arms and kissed her. “Hey Daddy’s baby. Where your mama at? Terra, what you cook?”

  Terra looked at me then focused her eyes on the den’s entryway. “I’m in here, Marcos.”

  “You ain’t cooked shit?” Marcos asked as he entered the den carrying Brittani.

  Terra looked at me. Marcos turned in my direction. At first he seemed completely stuck and caught off guard.

  I stood up clutching my purse close to me. I sighed feeling defeated. I wanted to get rid of him anyway. It’s what I wanted but I always felt like I was losing. I plastered a sincere smile on my face and said, “Your second home is nice. And your little girl is beautiful. She probably should meet her brothers and sisters one day. I’ll let myself out. Y'all enjoy your evening.”

  I headed towards the living room to exit out of the front door.

  “Nephia!”

  Marcos was calling after me but I had no reason to stop to hear what he had to say. Because I didn’t want him noticing my vehicle outside of the house I had parked down the street some ways. I continued my journey to my car.

  “Let me explain,” Marcos said grabbing me by the arm.

  I didn’t want to fight with him. I turned to him. “Go ahead.”

  “She ain’t shit to me.”

  “That ain’t what I just saw, Marcos. I mean; they are your family. And you can’t deny lil’ Brittani. She looks just like Yanna,” I said. Then my shoulders dropped and I begged him. “Just let me go. You can be happy with her. You don’t even love me anymore. There’s no use in you sticking around just for the sake of appearances. I mean; Brittani is your flesh and blood. How fair is it to her that you abandon her like that?”

  “I don’t want Terra though,” he explained. “I’m just there for Brittani. I would have told you about her a long time ago but I didn’t know how you would feel about it. If you can accept her Nephia, we can make this work. Baby, I’m not letting you go anywhere. I love you and I want our family to stay together. Do you understand me?”

  “Marcos,” I said as I tried to search for more words.

  He took my face in his hands. “Please, Nephia. I love you and I promise I won’t put you through any more bullshit. Just tell me now that we can get through this and I’ll go back in there and tell her what the deal is.”

  I didn’t know what to tell him. “Marcos, do whatever you think you need to do. I gotta get back—”

  “No, Nephia!” he said through gritted teeth. His hold on my face got tighter. “Tell me!”

  “Tell you what?” I asked.

  “That we’re gonna get through this and that you love me.”

  I think he was high. For safety reasons, I said, “I love you and if you wanna work through this then we can. Go talk to her and put your daughter to bed, Marcos.”

  He kissed me. “Thank you, baby.”

  I knew this was the most inappropriate thought, but I knew that I wasn’t getting my ass beat that night; Terra was.

  _______

  I don’t know what happened that night but for almost a year I got somewhat of a loving husband out of the deal. Brittani came over regularly. Marcos was coming home every night. He didn’t beat on me either. I mean, he would get a little physical like squeezing my hand or my face when he was angered by something. Hell, we even had another baby. This was a boy. After Remi I convinced Marcos to let me get fixed. I didn’t think my body could take another pregnancy. So that’s where it stopped. We had seven kids together and he had Brittani outside of the marriage.

  Gradually things returned to ‘normal’. I knew it wouldn’t last long. Marcos had left for a few weeks on business. I found out that he had had taken Terra on a nice little vacation while I was taking care of Brittani. I didn’t take any of my frustrations out on Brittani. She couldn’t help who her parents were.

  While Marcos was away, I ran into Kendall. I hadn’t seen him much after high school. Last I had heard he had moved to Baltimore. That was a few years ago. When I saw him at Bailey’s he was with a few other friends I hadn’t seen since high school. The little reunion was a nice one.

  “Wow, Nephia,” Thomas said with awe. “Every time I see you it looks like time is reversing for you. You look younger the older you get.”

  “Oh hush boy,” I told him playfully.

  Kendall was looking at me with the same adoration he used to look at me with back in high school.

  “Will you stop?” I whispered to him.

  “I can’t help it,” he smiled. “Tommy’s right though. You don’t seem to be aging at all.”

  “I guess it’s in my genes,” I said.

  Corvell walked up to me and said, “I’m catching a ride with my brother since he’s going in the same direction.”

  “Are you sure?” I asked.

  “Yeah,” he said. He grinned down at Kendall. “Besides, it looks like y'all could do some catching up.”

  “There you go,” I laughed. “Bye, Corvell.”

  “See y'all,” he said before walking away.

  Kendall looked back at me. “Do you have to hurry home?”

  “No, not really. This my night away,” I said.

  “Good,” he said. “You wanna get out of here and go somewhere a little more quiet?”

  “Sure, why not,” I said.

  We ended up going back to his place. Kendall had pursued a college degree in engineering and obtained a great paying job as one of the senior engineers over at the US tobacco plant. I learned that he had been living in the Antioch area for about a year. With him living in Antioch, it was understandable why he and I hadn’t run into each other much sooner.

  Kendall had a son but never married. He informed me that he and the mother got along fine but both mutually agreed that they were not made for each other. He said they took turns caring for their son. It was obvious because his second bedroom was definitely a little boy’s room. I could tell that his son spent quite a bit of time at Kendall’s place.

  “I’m not really seeing anybody exclusively at the moment,” Kendall was telling me. “How about you?”

  “Oh, I’m still with Marcos,” I said.

  Kendall’s eyes landed on my bare left hand. He must have assumed I was divorced.

  “I took it off,” I said.

  “Why are you still with him?” Kendall asked.

  I shrugged.

  He walked to his kitchen and there was an obvious flaw to his gait. I felt so bad because it was my fault that he ended up injured.

  “Do you want anything to drink?” he asked.

  “What do you have?”

  “Coke, Mt. Dew, wine, Heineken, and some vodka,” he chuckled.

  “Wow, you have a variety there,” I joked. “You got some cranberry juice?”

  “Actually I do. Let me guess, you’re a cran and vodka girl?”

  I smiled, “I am.”

  “Coming right up.”

  We got comfortable on the sofa and talked and talked and talked. Besides talking to Corvell, I hadn’t had a decent conversation with a man in a long time. And it didn’t hurt that there was a growing sexual tension between us either.

  “I wish I had entered your life before he did,” Kendall said. He brushed my hair back from my face.

  “I wish you had to. I know I would be a lot happier.”

  “I’m here for you, Nephia. Know that.”

  I nodded.

  He lifted my face by my chin so that we could lock gazes. He said, “I mean it.”

  “I know.”

  His face came closer to mine and we kissed. It was a soft sensual kiss that did more to me than I expected it to. We pulled back and looked at each other to make sure this was what we wanted to go forward with. I wanted it if he wanted it. I had no objections.

  Kendall didn’t waste much time getting to what he wanted either. He tugged my pants and panties down. I helped him ease them off of me completel
y. He pushed me back on the sofa and made himself comfortable in between my legs. He was face to face with my love box. He kissed down my thighs as he widened my legs. With my freshly shaven pussy in his face and my hooded clitoris staring him back in the face, Kendall gently rubbed it in a circular motion and watched me squirm a little bit. He then lowered his head down to mimic his finger with his tongue.

  “Kendall…,” I gasped.

  “Hmm?” he hummed as he continued to lick on me. He teased my clit with his stiffened tongue and started moving it rapidly.

  “Oh!” I cried out.

  He eased a finger inside me and whispered, “It taste better than I imagined.” As he stirred my juices he continued to lap every bit of it up.

  “Can I have you, Nephia?”

  “Yes!”

  He removed his finger from me and stood up. He reached for me and helped me to my feet. I caught a glimpse of the missile poking through the front of his pants. I needed to feel him inside me.

  Kendall picked me up and threw me over his shoulder. I yelped and giggled as he carried me to his bedroom. He gently laid me on his bed and finished undressing me. He took his time as he admired every inch of my naked body. I knew he was impressed. For a woman to have given birth to seven kids, my body was still in better shape than the average eighteen year old. I had stress to thank for that. Besides the stretch marks under my navel and around my hips, a person couldn’t tell I was even a mother.

  Kendall undressed and I was just as impressed with him. Despite not going off to be a professional football player, Kendall’s body was still very much in shape. And his dick was just as impressive.

  He ordered me on all fours with my ass up and my shoulders touching the bed. The next sensation I felt was Kendall eating me from behind. He ran his tongue from my ass all the way up to my stiff clit. I was trembling and moaning loudly. I know the neighbors had to hear me. Kendall tried to lick all of my nectar as my juices ran down my thighs.

  “Ah! Kendall,” my voice quivered. “Baby, I’m about to cum…”

  He beat my clit with his tongue and didn’t let up even as I screamed out in orgasm. With my ass still in the air, he swiftly positioned himself behind me and entered my gripping, wet walls. He groaned, “Damn, girl!”