Hate to Love You

by Ivy Symone

  “Baby,” I cried as he began stroking me hard and fast.

  “Hmm?”

  I gripped the cover in my hands and tried to stifle my whimpers by biting a mouthful of his comforter.

  “Oh Nephia, you feel so damn good!” he cried out as he dug deeper.

  “Don’t stop!” I begged. I needed this. I loved the way he pounded me relentlessly. He fucked me like he had to prove something. Perhaps he wanted me to always remember him. Or better yet, make me want to come back for more. Regardless, Kendall put it on me.

  We fucked all night. I was so tired, so spent the night. I didn’t leave his house until the following afternoon. When I left I promised that he would hear from me soon.

  ________

  When Marcos returned from his secret vacation a week later, I was just as rejuvenated as he was. Hell, I had crept over to Kendall’s and let him get me right a few more times. I wasn’t thinking about Marcos’s ass.

  “Did you miss me?” Marcos asked playfully.

  I looked up from the magazine I was reading. I said as an observation, “Oh, you have a tan.” I went back to reading the magazine.

  “That’s all you gotta say? You haven’t seen your husband in almost a month and that’s all you gotta say.”

  I gave it some thought. “Yeah.”

  Marcos frowned. “What’s up with you, Nephia?”

  “Nothing,” I said.

  “Well damn, I miss you,” he said. He moved closer to me.

  I inched away from him. “I’m good.”

  “You didn’t miss me?”

  I shook my head. “I actually enjoyed you being away. We need our space.”

  He knew I was being facetious now because even when he was home, Marcos made sure we had enough space by staying with other women.

  Marcos grabbed a handful of my ass and squeezed. “I miss this. Can I have some of this?”

  I removed his hand from me. “I’m on my period.”

  “So,” he said.

  “I am not having sex on my period.”

  “It ain’t like you ain’t never did it before,” he said with a laugh.

  “Yeah, and I didn’t like it.”

  Marcos kissed my cheek. “Let me go hang with the kids for a minute.”

  “Yeah,” I said nonchalantly.

  I don’t think he liked the way I was behaving. He didn’t walk away from me immediately. He hesitated and stared at me for a minute. I looked up at him and smiled. He went ahead about his business.

  I messed up when I let my guard down later that night. I had taken a shower and went to bed as I always did. Marcos came in the room and tended to his own shower in his own bathroom.

  I was half way sleep when he came jumping on me. He had me pinned down and I was looking at him like he was crazy.

  “Why you lie to me?”

  “What are you talking about?” I asked.

  “You’re not on your period!”

  “Can you get off of me?”

  With one hand he kept my hands pinned above my head. With the other hand he reached under my nightshirt and snatched my panties down.

  “Where’s your period, Nephia?”

  “I just went off,” I lied.

  “You don’t want me fucking you, Nephia?”

  “Aren’t you getting enough elsewhere, Marcos?” I shot back.

  “Don’t get smart with me,” he said. He pinched the lips of my pussy hard.

  I winced in pain. “Don’t start this shit, Marcos.”

  “Why did you lie to me?”

  “I didn’t. I just saw that I was off.”

  He released my arms so that he could tug my panties down my legs. He tossed them aside. He inserted a finger inside me and kept his eyes on me. He removed his finger and brought it up to his nose. He sniffed it then stuck it in his mouth.

  I waited to see what his analysis was going to come back with. I guess I was good because he spread my legs apart so that he could continue to taste me. Shit, I let him. It was feeling too good to stop him.

  The whole time he was down there I imagined that it was Kendall. I would have rather it been Kendall.

  Marcos got more aggressive with me than he usually did. I liked it but I wasn’t sure if he was feeling a certain way or if he was mad.

  I smiled to myself because I felt like I was just as equal as he was now. I had slept with someone else too.

  Chapter 12

  Two things happened in the year 2010. My father, Ben Blackwood showed up out of nowhere. It was awkward at first. Lailani was the only one that was super thrilled about the family reunion.

  I met my older brother, Ben Jr. and my older sister Ashli. I didn’t really like them. They acted rather snooty. I don’t think they were expecting for us to be living as good as we were. When I invited them to the house they all were impressed. I don’t know if it was our wealth that made knowing me more appealing but Ben maintained communication with me and tried to be active in his grandchildren’s lives. I appreciated it and wouldn’t complain.

  Ashli wanted my husband though. I had to watch her.

  The second thing that happened right before our ten-year class reunion was Boogie being killed. Some young boys robbed him and shot him fatally. Marcos, Gogo, and Quan took it real hard. But my heart went out to Corvell.

  Boogie and Corvell had been secret lovers for ten years. No one knew about it except me.

  “How can I go to his funeral and pretend like I’m not dying inside!” Corvell cried to me.

  I held him. “I don’t know. Maybe, you shouldn’t go.”

  “I gotta go,” he said.

  “Well, I’ll be there and we’ll get through it together,” I assured him.

  “I don’t think I can do it.”

  “Then stay home.”

  “I gotta go.”

  “Okay.” I got quiet.

  Corvell started sobbing again. “I’m not gonna be able to make it.”

  “I know, so that’s why you should stay home.”

  “I gotta go.”

  I rubbed his back soothingly. “Are you ready?”

  “No!”

  I looked at the time. I was supposed to have accompanied Marcos to the funeral but I had to be here for Corvell. “The funeral starts in about thirty minutes.”

  Corvell lifted his head from my bosom and took a deep breath. “Okay. I think I can do this.”

  “Are you sure?”

  He nodded. “Let me get my face together.”

  My cell phone rang. It was Nikki. “Hey.”

  “Are y'all on the way to the funeral?”

  “Yeah, you know how Corvell is. He take forever,” I said.

  “Okay, I’m just gonna wait in the parking lot until I see y'all,” she said. “I just seen Boogie’s baby mama going in. Girl, she looks so pitiful.”

  Not as pitiful as Corvell, I wanted to say.

  “I bet,” I said. “I’ll be there though.”

  “Okay,” she said and ended the call.

  Corvell came back into the living room more composed but his eyes were still red and puffy.

  I reached out for him to take my hand. “We’ll get through this.”

  He offered me an unsure smile but took my hand.

  Now I know the funeral wasn’t about no one else except for Johnathan ‘Boogie’ Lawrence, however, I did not appreciate Terra or Draya being there. I heard Draya and Marcos had been hooking up. But what made her think she should be sitting beside my husband? Hell, even Terra wasn’t feeling that.

  I looked at Corvell and whispered to him, “Do you want to go up there?”

  “Only if you come with me,” he told me.

  Corvell held onto my hand so hard I thought he was going to break it. He was so anxious and so nervous. I felt really bad for him.

  We stood before Boogie’s open casket. I was on one side of Corvell and Nikki was on the other side of him. She had no idea what was going on but Corvell was fucking my hand up!

  “Are you o
kay?” I asked.

  Corvell just stared at Boogie’s body. I said a quick prayer and asked God to please let Corvell keep it together. Letting the world know that Boogie was gay at his funeral was not the best timing at all.

  Corvell whispered, “He wouldn’t have wanted to wear this.”

  Nikki said, “Huh?”

  I giggled. Corvell was getting mad. “He didn’t even like wearing suits; this don’t even look like him. But it is him. Look at his lil’ baby dreads.”

  Nikki was really confused. “What?”

  I had to stifle my laughs and at the same time pull Corvell away so that the people behind us could view the body.

  “I love you J Boogie,” Corvell said under his breath.

  Nikki stood there looking at me and Corvell as we walked away. She looked back at Boogie and I could see the wheels beginning to turn.

  I was so consumed with Corvell and trying to keep him acting right, I had forgotten about Marcos and his disrespectful women.

  At Boogie’s mother’s house during the repass I was pleasantly surprised to see Kendall there. He was there with a few guys and was paying their respects to Boogie’s brother and family.

  “Hey, Nephia,” Kendall said. His eyes were saying something else.

  I smiled, “Hey, how are you, Kendall?”

  “I’m good,” he said. No he wasn’t. He wanted me bad. I could see it in his eyes. For four years he and I had maintained our secret affair. We didn’t overdo it so we wouldn’t get caught up. It was every once in a while where we would allot some special time just to enjoy each other and get away from the realities of our own lives.

  I had to give it to him though. Kendall was not afraid of Marcos’s presence. And whenever he bumped into Marcos, he always politely spoke and kept it moving.

  “I’ll see you around,” I told him. That meant I would be calling him soon.

  When I turned away from him, Marcos was burning a hole in me from across the room. He wasn’t too happy. I smiled his way and went to look for Corvell. I found him in Ms. Lawrence’s living room looking at old photos of a young Boogie.

  “How are you feeling?” I asked.

  “I’m okay,” he said. He looked around and his eyes landed on Boogie’s baby mama. “I think she had him killed.”

  “Corvell! You can’t be saying shit like that,” I told him.

  “I’m so serious. He was telling me they hadn’t been getting along. Then she threatened to tell everybody that he was down low,” he told me in a hushed tone.

  “What do you mean?” I asked.

  “Oh, she found out that he was talking to a dude. She just didn’t know who it was.”

  “How this happen?”

  Corvell side eyed me. “Oh, you would have known if you hadn’t been sneaking dick on the side.”

  I placed my fingers up to my mouth to make him be quiet.

  “Well, while you were busy swallowing another nigga’s babies—”

  “Corvell!”

  He snickered, “Okay! Apparently, she had been going through his phone and came across our texts. She thought I was another female he was messing around with. She called me from his phone and I thought it was him calling so I answered like I always did when he called. I said, ‘My Boogie must be missing this ass’. All I got was silence. So I was like, ‘J Boogie?’ Then she was like, ‘This ain’t Boogie. Who is this?’ I hung up cause I didn’t know what to say.”

  This was good. “So, what happened?”

  “She called me back. I didn’t answer. She tried to call me back from another number. I still didn’t answer. Then she started texting me a bunch of crazy shit. A couple of days later, Boogie came over and told me what happened and how they had a real big fight. I asked him if he wanted to chill since she suspected. He told me fuck her. A few days later…” his voice trailed.

  My smile disappeared too. She did seem a little suspect. And her grief seemed force.

  “Excuse me?”

  Corvell and I both turned around to see Ms. Lawrence standing there. She looked at Corvell and asked, “Can I talk to you in private?”

  Corvell frowned with suspicion and looked at me. I looked back at him.

  “Why?” Corvell asked.

  “You’re Corvell Armstrong, right?” she asked.

  Corvell nodded.

  She smiled. “Then you’re who I need to talk to.”

  Corvell grabbed my hand and started squeezing again.

  Ms. Lawrence looked at me.

  Corvell said, “Whatever you need to say you can say in front of her.”

  Ms. Lawrence said, “Okay. I knew about you. Johnathan confided in me earlier this year. As quiet as it’s kept, I already knew my son’s tendencies. But I want you to have these.”

  She produced a clasped orange envelope. She put it in Corvell’s hands. She gave Corvell a pat on his shoulder and smiled at him. “You take care son.”

  Corvell and I both were stunned. He looked around to see who was paying attention to the exchange that had just taken place. There were a few nosies staring at us. I pulled Corvell along and we headed out of the house through the front door. We went all the way down to where I parked my car and hopped in. We were both excited acting like Shug and Celie from The Color Purple when they found those letters. He went to open the envelope until we both were startled by pounding on the window.

  “Let me in!” It was Nikki.

  I unlocked the door for her and she jumped in the back. Leaning in between our seats she asked, “What the hell is going on? Everybody wanna know what Boogie mama gave y'all.”

  I locked the doors. “We don’t know.”

  Corvell opened the envelope and reached inside. It was Boogie’s cherished chains he used to wear around his neck, a key, a check with about five digits on it, a picture of him and Corvell that looked like just two guy friends hanging out, and a letter. I took the picture from Corvell and studied it. I recognized it as one of the photos they had taken during our trip to the islands. I smiled because I remembered how silly they were being.

  Nikki didn’t say anything. She just looked at everything sadly.

  When we heard Corvell sucking up snot, she and I both turned our attention to him. He was bawling again. Whatever was in that letter was very personal. Corvell clutched the letter to his chest and just cried.

  “Who was it from?” I asked. He couldn’t reply. I asked, “Was it a letter from Boogie?”

  Corvell nodded.

  Nikki started crying. “This is more heart wrenching than I thought. Y'all were gay lovers and were in love for real!”

  I laughed but my laughter faded into sobs too. All three of us sat in my car crying like we were crazy.

  “Oh shit!” Nikki exclaimed through her tears. She grabbed everything from Corvell and started stuffing it back in the envelope.

  I looked up and saw Marcos, Gogo, and Quan headed right for us.

  Before Marcos could even demand that I roll the window down, I had it coming down.

  “What the fuck going on?” he asked.

  “Nothing,” I answered.

  He looked at me, then over at Corvell and then at Nikki. We all looked a mess.

  “What was that Boogie mama gave y'all?” Marcos asked.

  Nikki clutched the envelope to her. “None of your business. It’s between me and Boogie.”

  “So you and Boogie had some secret thing going on?” Quan asked.

  “Like I said, it’s none of your business,” Nikki said with defiance. “If he wanted y'all to know he would have told you while he was living. He’s gone now. So if you don’t mind, can I grieve in peace?”

  “Excuse me,” Quan said as he backed away from the car.

  “So all y'all mothafuckas sitting in the car crying together?” Marcos asked.

  All three of us nodded our heads.

  “Y'all some mothafuckin’ goofballs,” Gogo said shaking his head.

  “Takes one to know one,” I countered playfully.

&nbs
p; Gogo walked away with Quan.

  Marcos said, “After you finish being stupid with your girlfriends, bring your ass back in the house.”

  “Okay,” I said. We watched them walk away in silence.

  Corvell said, “Thanks y'all.”

  “No problem,” I said. I leaned over and gave him a hug.

  “Hey, I want some hug action,” Nikki said as she wrapped her arms around us.

  Sometimes I think if it wasn’t for Nikki and Corvell, I would have lost my mind a long time ago. And even with my messed up situation, I knew I was the same support for them. We had a bond that could not be broken.

  _______

  “Nephia?”

  “Hmm?”

  “You know you can’t go to sleep baby.”

  I groaned. “Just for a little while.”

  Kendall kissed me on my nose. “No, because I will enjoy the feel of you next to me and I won’t wake up in time.”

  “Why don’t you call Marcos for me and just tell him I’m not coming home,” I joked.

  “You know I have no problem with that,” Kendall said.

  I opened my eyes and stared up into Kendall’s face. “You’re ready for me to leave him aren’t you?”

  “You already know the answer to that,” he said. He kissed me on the lips. “But this isn’t about pressuring you to make any moves.”

  “I know,” I sighed. “I keep thinking about how we could be putting all of this behind us and being happy together.”

  “Well, I’m ready whenever you are,” he said.

  “I think I’m ready,” I said quietly.

  “You don’t need to talk to him about this alone, Nephia,” Kendall said. “When you’re sure you’re ready to make that move let me know so that I can be right there with you.”

  “How come you’re not scared of Marcos?”

  “He’s nothing to be scared of. He’s a coward and would never fight a man like me one on one with no weapons. He knows I’d kick his ass. Have you noticed he ain’t never really jumped bad with me unless he get a group of his flunkies to gang me like they did years ago?”

  Kendall had a point. This was interesting because Marcos had never really challenged Kendall before. Maybe there was some truth to what Kendall was saying.