Hate to Love You

by Ivy Symone

  Beverly tried to step in to diffuse the situation. “Marcos, baby let me show you what I was talking about in my—”

  Marcos ignored his mother completely. He went to jab at my head again and as a reflex I smacked the shit out of his hand. He retaliated by smacking me with his open hand. Shocked and angered, I swung on him. At this point, Gogo, Lailani, and Beverly intervened to keep him from fully attacking me. I managed to hop off the stool and headed to my bedroom. I could hear Marcos shouting out obscenities to hurt my feelings but I was too focused on not crying.

  Stormi came in the room behind me. “You okay, Mama?”

  “I’m fine,” I said with a sigh. I lay across the bed.

  Stormi lay beside me. “Sorry Daddy ruin your welcome home party.”

  “But it was nice still,” I told her.

  Stormi began finger combing my hair in a loving manner. “Mama, I think Daddy is sick.”

  I looked at her blankly. I mentioned before that I named Stormi and Raiyne their names because of the weather outside at the time I pushed them into the world. However, Stormi had this sixth sense that was really weird. When she said things like what she just said, it usually came to be. It’s like her name took on a second meaning as if to say a storm is brewing, weather the storm, or the calm before the storm; a prediction so to speak.

  “Why do you say that?”

  She gave a half shrug. “He acts sick. Sometimes he look sick.”

  That was the effects of his drug use and drinking. I chuckled to myself. “Then I agree with you. He is sick.”

  “No,” she shook her head. “He smell sick.”

  Maybe if I had actually taken heed to what she was trying to tell me this day. I don’t know. It probably wouldn’t have changed what was to come but I could have been more prepared…if I had known.

  Chapter 15

  I don’t know why I listened to Nikki and her cousin Penny. At first I thought it was ridiculous to use a dating app on my phone to meet people. But Nikki was always telling me about Penny’s newfound beau she discovered on the app. Nikki herself had met a couple of guys she communicated with but none of those turned out to be much of a success; yet, she told me to give it a try.

  After making a public profile, my notifications piled up almost immediately. I got several inbox messages. I went through each of them. The ones that couldn’t construct a simple sentence or greet me appropriately were ignored. I spoke back to a few of them but they were boring. Once I checked out their profiles, there was nothing that really piqued my interests. But for the time being I would just enjoy this as entertainment, something to occupy my time and distract my mind from my home life. I wasn’t crazy enough to actually try to meet another guy. Not after what Marcos did to Kendall.

  “What the fuck you looking at?”

  The sound of his voice irritated me. Lately, it annoyed me for him to even talk to me. After my stay in the hospital, he came home and made sure that I rarely smiled. Marcos was getting worse and I was beginning to allow myself not to love him. I mean; he didn’t want me. He didn’t love me. Why couldn’t he just let me go?

  Careful not to alert him to my activities, I offered him a small smile, “Nikki texting me. She want me to go—”

  “You ain’t going nowhere,” he interrupted.

  “I wasn’t planning to,” I assured him.

  He cut his eyes towards me as he made his way to his closet.

  “Are you going somewhere?” I asked. When he didn’t respond, I posed another question. “Have you booked those rappers for the boys’ party yet?”

  He stepped back out of the closet wearing a fresh and crisp white button down shirt. “You just worry about what you’re supposed to do for their party.”

  I mumbled, “I was just asking because you forget sometimes.”

  His eyes shifted to my phone. I casually let it slip towards me as I hit the home button. And as I suspected, in a swift motion, Marcos had snatched my phone from me.

  Nicely, I asked, “Can I have my phone back?”

  Ignoring me, he began tapping on it. I’m sure he went to my messages and read that Nikki certainly asked me to go out with her and the gang. I smiled because I’m always a step ahead of him now. The dating app wasn’t even visible on any of my screens.

  Marcos tossed my phone back to me and cut his eyes at me. “Tell that bitch you ain’t coming.”

  As soon as he turned his back, I rolled my eyes. To ensure he was leaving, I jumped out of bed and followed slowly behind him out of the bedroom. I went to the kitchen where Yanna, Stormi and Raiyne were actively destroying it.

  “What are ya’ll doing?” I asked as I took inventory of the mess they were making.

  Yanna grinned holding up a mixing spoon with thick batter adorning it. “We making homemade cookies!”

  “Y'all make sure you get this shit up too,” Marcos barked over his shoulder as he exited the kitchen through the door leading to the garage.

  Like me, Yanna knew to roll her eyes behind his back. She still couldn’t stand her father. The other kids tolerated him and still adored him on his good days. Yanna didn’t care if it was a good day or a great day; she didn’t trust him or respect him. And I never tried to convince her otherwise. She was old enough to know and understand how she felt about him. So be it.

  “Hey Mama.”

  I looked up to see Bleu entering the kitchen. The expression on his face wasn’t sitting well with me. He looked bothered, somewhat worried.

  “Can I talk to you?” he asked. I noticed he didn’t bother to give me any eye contact.

  Usually I would tease him but this seemed serious. “Sure,” I told him.

  We walked out of the kitchen and into the formal dining room.

  Bleu didn’t waste any time getting to it. He blurted out, “Shana’s pregnant.”

  “Huh?”

  He finally looked at me and repeated. “Shana’s pregnant.”

  “What Shana?” I asked. I was dumbfounded and refused to believe he was talking about his little white friend that happened to be a female.

  “Shana, Shana,” he said with emphasis.

  “Pregnant?” I still wasn’t trying to catch on.

  He nodded.

  I stared at him as my heart began to drop. The look he gave me told it all. I let out a devastated groan and took a seat at the dining room table. So many things swarmed through my head. I thought about how I didn’t want my kids, none of them to experience any of the horrid things I had to endure when I was younger. I thought of me not being a good parent. I didn’t want him to be another me. I was a teenage parent. I didn’t want this for him!

  “Bleu,” I groaned.

  He sat down a seat away from me. “I’m sorry, Mama.”

  “Sorry is right!” I exclaimed.

  “But Mama—”

  “No!” I interrupted him. I wanted to be mad and smack some sense into him but what point would that make? Taking a few deep breaths, calmly I asked, “Does her parents know?”

  He nodded.

  “How far along is she?”

  He shrugged.

  “You don’t know!” I snapped.

  “She don’t know. She never got her period.”

  “When was her period supposed to come?”

  “December or January I think,” he told me.

  Flabbergasted, I yelled, “December or Jan—Bleu! This is June!”

  “I know,” he mumbled.

  Now I was mad. “Why hadn’t her mama called me yet?”

  “Because her mama don’t know who she’s pregnant by.”

  “Hell, does she know who’s she pregnant by?” I asked.

  “Me.”

  I gave him a scolding look. “So you’re proudly claiming it, huh?”

  “Shana is not like that, Mama,” he countered.

  I don’t know who Shana was when she wasn’t around me. What I’ve gathered from the times she has been around us, Shana was a well behaved quiet girl. But she still had a snea
kiness about her that I have grown to associate with white girls because of Marcos. Bleu just had to be like his father and have a thing for white girls or very light skinned black girls. His brother Azul on the other hand, liked them chocolate.

  “Have you told your daddy?” I asked.

  He shook his head.

  I chuckled while shaking my head. “Marcos might give you a pat on the back.”

  “Or beat me,” Bleu added quietly.

  I shot him a look. “He won’t do that. He of all people knows he doesn’t have a right to be mad at you.”

  “There’s a lot of things Daddy don’t have a right to do but he does them anyway.”

  Was that a dig? Whatever it was, it made me feel uncomfortable. It was my guilt. My kids shouldn’t be exposed to Marcos’ behavior. He’s warping their way of thinking. He’s destroying their innocence. Will my girls be afraid to ever date a man or will they think it’s okay to be in a relationship like the one their parents were in? Will Bleu feel like he can do whatever he want without much consideration of someone else’s feelings?

  I sighed heavily, “I’m disappointed but we’ll get through this. I’ll talk with Shana’s mother and we’ll go from there.”

  Bleu nodded. He got up from the table wearing a more relieved expression. He even smiled when he gave me a hug and pecked my cheek before he left out of the dining room.

  I tapped my phone on the table as I fell deep in thought. Damn, was I about to be a grandmother? I was barely thirty-three! More shit on top of more shit.

  I went to my dating app on my phone and saw that I had eighteen new messages. I quickly went through the first twelve and responded. I got to the thirteenth one and paused. Now what the hell was this man doing on here! He was too fine to be on some dating app. I know he had to get the panties thrown at him at least six times a day.

  Blake0524 had a thuggish quality about him that had my cat whining. His soft brown complexion contrasted nicely with his mustache and full beard that was so neatly trimmed and edged, it almost looked fabricated. He had deep set brown eyes, thick eyebrows and long lashes. His lips were nicely shaped, not too full but definitely not thin. I was loving his hair too. It wasn’t exactly cut low because I could see the curl pattern even in his photo. He had a little offside part that screamed pretty boy but that burly beard screamed pretty boy with a little thug in him.

  The funny thing was, his message read: You’re a beautiful woman and according to your profile, you seem to have a lot to bring to any table. I’m curious as to why you’re even a member?

  I laughed aloud. I responded: I could ask you the same thing

  Waiting on him to reply I hopped over to my text messages to send Nikki and Corvell a group text: Bleu got that white girl pregnant.

  Corvell: I knew she was around for some black dick!??????

  Nikki: Really Corvell? ??

  Corvell: Did Zuli hit it too?

  Me: Zuli don’t like white meat

  Nikki: What did Marcos say?

  Me: He doesn’t know yet

  I switched back to the dating app. Blake0524: It’s something to do…passing time

  I smiled as I typed back: But being on here isn’t really necessary for you to pass time…I know you have several women throwing themselves at you that will give you something to do

  It showed that he read my message but I hopped back over to Corvell and Nikki.

  Nikki: What is wrong with Bleu? Tbh I would have thought it was Zuli’s lil fast tail

  Corvell: That’s what I’m saying!

  Corvell: But Bleu is a softy

  Nikki: What that mean?

  Corvell: He be all in love and shit

  Me: Are we forgetting we’re talking about my fifteen year old son?

  Corvell: What fifteen got to do with anything…That boy been fucking!

  I shook my head. I went back to the app.

  Blake0524: I do have a few options. Someone suggested it to me and I made a profile. I check it from time to time. If a profile interests me, I’ll consider reaching out. I saw yours and here I am

  Me: Yeah I guess the same applies to me

  While I waited for him to reply I gave his profile a quick scan. His profile headline was, “One day at a time”. He was thirty-five, six feet even, a Christian, had kids, not a smoker but a drinker, a Gemini, looking for friendship, longest relationship was a year, and one of his interests was dancing. That only caught my eye because it’s what I do. His occupation was: Business owner. His first date was: Let’s talk and see what we can come up with.

  Not only was he attractive but his profile seemed rather nice. I was curious about why his longest relationship had only been a year but he had kids. I kept looking at his pictures. I was beginning to think he was a total catfish although his profile came off as genuine. He probably grabbed these pics from somebody’s Facebook page.

  I typed: Your profile is nice

  I went to my text messages.

  Nikki: Are you getting the baby tested to make sure?

  Me: Of course but Bleu seems sure it’s his

  Corvell: He gon haveta get a J.O.B. now…Or are you gonna continue to spoil him?

  Me: No, he will have to be responsible now. There’s another p—

  Before I could even finish typing, my phone was snatched from behind me. I whipped around fast to see Marcos glaring at the screen of my phone. Where did he come from? How did I not hear him?

  “What the fuck y'all talking about?” he asked. He didn’t give me time to reply. His eyes were glowering. “What is this, Neph?”

  “It’s Bleu,” I answered as I stood.

  “Who asked you to get up? Sitcho ass back down,” he ordered.

  I did as I was told.

  “So Bleu got that girl pregnant?” he asked. His tone was as if I were the one that was in trouble.

  “Yeah,” I mumbled.

  “So when the fuck was you gonna tell me!” he barked as he stepped closer to me.

  I flinched thinking he was about to hit me. “I just found out. He just told me.”

  With my phone still in his hand he turned to head out. I jumped up to follow him. He pivoted to face me with an intimidating stare. “Did I tell you to get up?”

  “No, but Marcos, don’t go in—”

  He smacked me so hard I know I did a three-sixty spin.

  “You stay your ass in here,” he hissed before walking out of the dining room yelling for Bleu.

  I hoped he wouldn’t go to Bleu to do as he feared. Stormi and Yanna walked in the dining room looking concerned.

  “What happened Mama?” Stormi asked.

  “What did Bleu do?” Yanna wanted to know.

  I shook my head. “Don’t worry about it. Y'all just go—”

  “Did he hit you?” Yanna asked incredulously.

  “Yanna,” I said firmly. “Just go back to the kitchen and finish baking cookies with your sister.”

  The girls reluctantly headed out of the dining room. I stood there listening for any signs of a scuffle. There was no scuffle but I could hear Marcos yelling.

  I hope my phone was no longer of importance. And when I got it back I had to make sure I deleted that dating app.

  ________

  The following day, I spoke with Shana’s mother, Claire. She nor Shana had an issue with us wanting a blood test. Marcos insisted on it. Bleu thought it was insulting to Shana but he didn’t voice that to Marcos. He barely wanted to speak to Marcos after being smacked around for being ‘so stupid’.

  Drowning out my problems, I focused on the kids in the school’s summer program. When I was here, Marcos didn’t exist unless he showed up to pretend to be such a good husband and father. Other than that I lost myself in dance, the kids’ laughter, and socializing with the rest of the staff.

  “Mrs. B!”

  The recognition of her voice put a smile on my face. I purposely took my time turning around to address her.

  “Mrs. B! You hear me. Is you ignoring me? You kno
w that’s rude right, Mrs. B?”

  I giggled and finally faced my little friend. “And how are you, Special K?”

  The six year old grinned proudly. I was pleasantly surprised and shocked to see she had lost both her top front teeth. I gasped excitedly, “Where are your teeth?”

  She giggled even more making her cherubic cheeks rise causing her already slanted eyes to thin out.

  “They came out,” she explained.

  “Did you get a visit from the toothfairy?” I asked.

  Her smile faded and she gave me a ‘yeah right’ type of look. Flatly she said, “My daddy said the tooth fairy lost her key to our house so she didn’t get in last night.”

  I laughed. “What?”

  She placed her hand on her little hip. “He know I don’t believe him. Toothfairies don’t even use keys. Who he think I’m is, Mrs. B?”

  I loved this little girl. She was one of the most outgoing students in the entire school. She loved talking and would carry on a conversation like she was an adult. She made my day.

  “I don’t know but he better recognize!” I said egging her on.

  “Hey little lady!” Omar called out from the studio’s entrance. “Let’s go. We’re about to start.”

  She smiled up at me, her dark eyes twinkling. “Well, I guess I’ll see you later. I got some new dance moves too. I’ma show you before I leave.”

  “Okay. Can’t wait,” I told her. I watched her skip out of the studio. Her thick ponytails swung behind her. She was the prettiest little chocolate girl I had ever laid eyes on. It didn’t help that she had such a cute spunky personality.

  I retrieved my phone from the window sill. I never got around to deleting the app the day before. I knew I needed to but before I removed it I took a peek at my messages. Why did I blush when I saw there were two unread messages from Blake0524. I went through all of them and saved his for last on purpose.

  Blake0524: Yours is too which is baffling

  Blake0524: Okay, maybe you are looking for a man on here, maybe not but I’m curious to know why this route. Are you one of those cursed women like Halle Barry who’s so beautiful she have no luck when it come to men? I mean, there’s some nice looking women on here but that’s all they seem to be able to offer. You’re different.