Hate to Love You

by Ivy Symone

  I decided to respond since it showed he was currently online: Hey sorry I didn’t respond to you last night. I got caught up. And I don’t think I’m cursed…I can be the first to admit that I need to open myself up to what else is out there

  To my surprise he responded right away.

  Blake0524: I was beginning to think you were ignoring me. What do you mean open yourself up?

  Me: I’m closed off. I’m afraid. I don’t even know why I made this profile because I’m not going to do anything with it

  Blake0524: Why not? You’re here now. Might as well make use of it

  Me: Most of the guys on here are like predators and too aggressive for me

  Blake0524: You’ve been hurt

  Me: Yeah I have

  Blake0524: So have I

  Me: Recently?

  Blake0524: It’s been over a year now but it’s still there

  I didn’t know this guy but my heart was going out to him. It was drawing me in more and feeling compelled to keep talking to him.

  Blake0524: How long has it been for you?

  I couldn’t really answer that question honestly. My heartbreak was a present ever-going situation.

  Me: It’s been very recent. It was why my friend suggested I go on this app just to see what else is out there.

  Blake0524: Yeah, I’m skeptical of these things but I’ve heard some have been really successful at finding love this way

  Me: Yeah my friend’s cousin seem to have found the love of her life

  Blake0524: How many of those do a person get?

  Me: What?

  Blake0524: Love of their life

  That was a question I’ve never pondered on. Was Marcos the love of my life? Of course not. Was the love of my life still out there? Perhaps Kendall had been it. I let my mind drift into memories of him. I wished he was still around. He used to be what I needed after a few weeks of Marcos’ abuse. I cherished the days Kendall would pamper me and make love to me. Why did he do what he did? So many days I wished I could go back to that night and do things differently just to spare his life.

  Me: I don’t know. I’m not sure if I’ve ever crossed paths with mine

  Blake0524: So have you not ever been in love?

  I shook my head as if he could see me. The answer was like a revelation to me. What does ‘in love’ feel like? I mean; is it the same kind of love I have for my kids? I’m totally in love with them. They’re everything, even though I feel as though I fail them as a mother.

  Me: I don’t think I have…not with a man at least

  Blake0524: With a woman?

  I laughed: Lol…no. I mean i’m in love with my kids

  Blake0524: lol…gotcha. That kind of love. How many do you have?

  Me: 7

  Blake0524: Stop messing with me lady. Either you’re playing or those are not your pictures on this profile

  Me: Why do you say that? That’s me and I have 7 kids. And I know 7 kids is a lot for any man to consider playing stepdad to which is another reason I’m guarded. I’m sure your interest has plummeted

  Blake0524: I’m amazed actually. You’re beautiful anyway but to know you have 7 kids…Just wow!

  Me: So you’re still interested?

  Blake0524: The fact that you have kids isn’t a turn off. Hell, I’m a single dad to three.

  Me: Really?

  Blake0524: Yes really. I have a request

  Me: What?

  Blake0524: Can we speak over the phone?

  I know my actions were asking for an ass whooping but I was really drawn to this person. I was loving the interaction. I gave him my number and within seconds an unfamiliar number was calling my phone. I was hesitant to answer it at first. It was my nerves. “Hello?”

  “So, you gave me the right number.”

  His voice did something to me. A smile so big spread across my face and just stayed there. Pretending not to know who was calling me, I asked, “Who is this?”

  “You know who this is and whatchu’ smiling for? I hear it all in your lil’ sexy voice.”

  I caught my bottom lip in between my teeth as if I was some little school girl. I was trying to control the smile that had taken over my face. I finally asked, “What’s your name?”

  “What it say on my profile?”

  “Nothing. Your real name isn’t on there. You just have your profile name on there.”

  “Then that’s my name.”

  “So you want me to call you Blake zero five two four?”

  “You can just call me Blake. Is Filipinobeauty your real name?” he asked with a hint of humor in his voice.

  I thought it over. If he was someone that knew Marcos then he would have recognized me from the pictures. I decided to tell him my real name. “You can call me Nephia.”

  “Nephia,” he echoed as if he was familiarizing himself with the way my name formed in his mouth. “That’s different. Is it Filipino?”

  “It is.”

  “What percentage of Filipino are you?”

  “Just fifty.”

  “Your mother?”

  “Yeah, it’s her,” I chuckled lightly.

  “Back to what we were talking about but first—I’m not holding you up from anything, am I?”

  I said, “No, you’re fine. I got a few minutes to spare.” For the first time I paid attention to his background. It was rather noisy as if he was outside.

  “What are your kids’ ages?” he asked.

  “They range in age from eighteen to eight; four girls and three boys. Two sets of twins, a pair of boys and a pair of girls. What about you?”

  “Twins? How interesting. I have an eight year old son, a six year old daughter, and a two month old son.”

  If he and I were seriously pursuing something with one another, him having a two month old son would bother me. It would definitely be a red flag.

  “You have a two month old son?”

  “Yep.”

  “And you’re not with the mother?”

  “No. It ain’t like that. Shit just happened and he here. But we ain’t in no relationship or nothing like that.”

  “Two months…that’s really fresh.”

  “That bothers you?”

  “With a baby that little I’m sure the mother is still close by.”

  “She is close by but…we’re co-parenting.”

  His answer didn’t come off as confident as the rest of his responses. I think it was safe for me to assume that he and his baby mama were still ‘involved’.

  I asked, “Why didn’t you two work it out? Y'all had three kids together and—”

  His laughter interrupted me. “No. She’s not the mother of all three.”

  “Oh.”

  “Yeah, I got baby mamas.”

  I wasn’t trying to judge him at all. As a matter of fact, I commended him for taking his role in his children’s life so seriously.

  Changing the subject I said, “You know you’re a really nice looking guy according to your profile. How do I know you’re not catfishing me?”

  “And you’re not catfishing me?”

  “Do you have an iPhone?” I asked.

  “Yeah, I do.”

  We hung up and I called him back via Facetime. When he answered something weird happened. Neither one of us said anything. We just smiled goofily. I could sense that he was just as relieved as I was that we were who we claimed to be on our profiles. He was even finer to me. His facial hair wasn’t as neat as the pictures but there was a ruggedness that turned me on.

  I noticed that he was in a vehicle. I asked, “Are you on your way somewhere?”

  “No,” he answered. He gave me a light smile and said, “I’m sorry, but you’re a lot more beautiful than your pictures made you out to be.”

  “Thank you,” I blushed.

  “If you’re interested still, I’d like to continue to get to know you more.”

  I nodded with a smile. “Yeah.”

  “Not rushing or anything.”

&
nbsp; “No, no…no rushing.”

  “Good,” he said.

  It was then I noticed that he had a sweet smile but it ended just at his lips. His eyes held so much sadness. There was no twinkle there at all. I wondered if the same sadness I saw in his face was the same that people saw in me. It was heart-wrenching. I suddenly empathized with him and my heart went out to him. I wanted to know Blake. I wanted to know what caused him to hurt.

  Something or someone caught his attention causing him to turn to look out the window. His masculinity captivated me. I could look at him all day. And he had these extremely long lashes that should have been against the law. I mean; women were out here paying good money to have lashes like his.

  When he turned back to the screen I felt both embarrassed and ashamed for taking such enjoyment in staring at him.

  “Hey, I gotta go but don’t be a stranger. Okay?” he said to me.

  “I won’t,” I said.

  “Okay. Take care beautiful.”

  “Bye,” I quietly said before ending the connection.

  What have I started? I can’t do this again. However that void inside was so hollow that loneliness echoed off its walls. I wanted to experience love from a true man. And maybe Blake wasn’t him but this encounter was awakening something within.

  Chapter 16

  I was lying to Blake. I think he knew I was lying. He never asked me, but I think he assumed I had a man even though I assured him I was single.

  Our communication had been going on for two weeks. Even if it was a simple text to say ‘hey’, we didn’t go a day without some kind of contact. A few days we had talked during lunch for about thirty minutes over the phone. The rest of the time we would text back and forward. I was always nervous that he would call when Marcos was around but so far he hadn’t. He never called me without waiting for me to respond to his text that he sent out first. I told him the kids usually kept me busy in the evenings so I think he was trying to respect my time.

  Marcos was nowhere to be found. Things between us were becoming non-existent. I was grateful for it. I loved that he didn’t feel a need to have sex with me anymore. I was glad someone else was taking care of that. I no longer desired to be with Marcos in that way. Every day some kind of thought entered my mind that he would die in a freak accident. I was trying to will it to happen but with my luck, I’m sure Marcos would be around to make sure I was unhappy.

  In the meantime, I looked forward to hearing from Blake. This particular Saturday night, I actually felt safe enough to talk to him over the phone.

  Curled up comfortably in bed, I asked, “So, you’re not going out?”

  “I don’t go out every weekend. This is my weekend with my kids. They gotta get some uninterrupted time with Daddy too.”

  “I bet your daughter is so spoiled.”

  “She’s no Daddy’s princess.”

  “She isn’t?”

  He laughed. “No. She acts like she’s my mama. She’s a trip though.”

  “I can’t imagine you with a bossy little girl.”

  “Why is that?”

  “You’re so passive and soft spoken.”

  “That’s funny because those words have never been used to describe me before.”

  “But that’s how you come off to me. You’re usually not passive?”

  “I guess I can be but…I don’t know. I guess life has knocked me back a little.”

  “Life has humbled you? Is that what you’re saying?”

  “No, not humble. Life has taken a big chunk of me,” he answered. His voice filled with melancholy and sorrow. “Spiritually and emotionally I guess. Some days I don’t know if I’ll ever experience happiness the same way I once have before.”

  I think I understood exactly what he was saying. “I don’t think I’ve ever experienced happiness the way I probably should have. I’ve been through so much.”

  “Are we even healthy for one another?” he asked with a chuckle.

  “Probably not. Two broken people can’t fix each other.”

  “Why are you so broken? What did he do?”

  I was a little thrown off by his question. Talking about Marcos was something I was avoiding. I wasn’t ready to bring any of that up with Blake. I guess he could sense my trouble and hesitation.

  “You don’t have to talk about it if you’re not comfortable.”

  “Not yet,” I mumbled.

  “A little at a time.”

  I smiled. Maybe we were two broken people who were unhealthy for one another if we were trying to pursue a relationship. But what I appreciated about Blake was that he was there and he was someone other than my therapist that listened and sympathized.

  “Thanks for talking to me, Blake. I wanna be able to see you in person one day.”

  “I don’t know if that’s a good idea,” he said. I could hear the playfulness returning to his voice.

  “Why is that?”

  “My attraction to you is definitely serious but at the same time I would wanna respect you as the friend that you’re becoming. But talking to you and seeing you when we Facetime is like torture.”

  “Torture?”

  “Yeah, I might be emotionally broken but there’s other parts of me that still work well.”

  I couldn’t resist snickering at his comment. I knew exactly what he meant. Hell, my lady parts came alive whenever I heard his voice or saw his name in my phone.

  “You’re so silly,” I told him.

  “But we might be able to make that happen one day. Just be sure that you will be comfortable. Don’t rush none of this.”

  “Definitely don’t wanna rush.”

  “I think I hear lil’ man waking up. If I can, I’ll text you later.”

  I was almost disappointed that he had to get off the phone. “Okay.”

  _______

  A few days later I found myself daydreaming about my first encounter with Blake. I know I would be nervous and it might be awkward. I wondered if he would even try to be sexual with me. He didn’t come off as the type, which was another thing that had me drawn to him. Blake seemed to be a gentleman but that was only what he showed me over the phone. For all I know he could be another Marcos in disguise.

  Snapping out of my daydream, I became aware that Marcos was staring at me. There was a look of anger in disgust in his eyes. I blinked back at him wondering what I had done now.

  It was the morning and I didn’t have much time to entertain his craziness. I had to get ready for work and wake the kids. His crazy ass had just came home after the break of dawn and he wanted to start some shit.

  Ignoring him, I headed to the bathroom to get myself together. He followed me and continued to stare at me while I brushed my teeth. I avoided looking in the mirror at his reflection.

  Leaning up against the inside of the doorframe, he frowned. “What have you been up to lately?”

  I wanted to tell him he would know if he would be a husband and father and stay home some times. But I realized a while ago that commenting with smart comebacks wouldn’t get me very far.

  I didn’t answer him until after I gave my teeth a quick scan for approval. I looked at him through the mirror as I began to wash my face. “Nothing. Just working and being a mom.”

  “Yeah,” he scoffed while nodding his head knowingly.

  I didn’t let him bother me. After I was done I tried to head out but he act as if he didn’t want to get out of my way. I gave him a look. “Can I get by, please?”

  He moved just enough so that I could squeeze by. I went into my closet to dress for the day. I didn’t have to turn around to know that he had followed me. I could feel him in the closet with me.

  “So, you done started locking your phone again,” he stated as an observation.

  I continued to layer myself in clothing trying to remain as private with it as possible. I’m not quite sure what it was but I didn’t like being fully naked before him anymore. It was almost as if he didn’t have a right to see me in such a way. I
no longer felt like I belonged to him.

  “You not gonna say nothing?”

  I looked up at him. “Oh…I didn’t realize you were asking me. But yeah, I’ve started locking my phone again. The kids be grabbing my phone and accidentally read the stuff Corvell be saying in his texts. You know he don’t censor himself.”

  “Are you sure it’s the shit Corvell say you don’t want them to see?” He gave me a menacing glare. “Or maybe you don’t want them to see they’re mama talking to another nigga.”

  What was he talking about now? My aggravation must have showed on my face.

  He said, “So you wanna play dumb?”

  “What are you talking about?” I asked. I tried to remain calm while slipping on my capri’s. Had to remain alert and aware of any sudden movements.

  “What’s the code?”

  I called it off to him without hesitation. While he searched for whatever it was he thought he had on me, I took my time deciding what pair of shoes I wanted to wear.

  “Somebody said they seen you on some dating shit.”

  I didn’t break my stride because I have no idea what he’s talking about.

  “You meeting niggas and shit now, Neph?”

  I stood to my full height completely clothed. I said with confidence, “No, I’m not. Who told you that anyway?”

  “Don’t worry about it. They said they saw you on it though.”

  “Really?” I asked. My mind running rapid trying to recall if anyone I came across on the dating app looked familiar. I challenged, “Did you see me on it?”

  “Naw, but—”

  “Okay then,” I said smartly. I proceeded to walk by him but he didn’t allow me to pass.

  “Where the shit at?” he asked. He handed my phone over, “Show me.”

  “Show you what?” I asked.

  “Pull the shit up.”

  “There’s nothing to pull up. I’m not on anything. Now if whoever said they saw me on there why didn’t they have proof to show you? Why would you even come to me with mess like that and not—”

  He grasped my face around my mouth and gave a reinforced squeeze that interrupted me.

  “Don’t question me!” he snapped. “I can come at you any fucking way I feel. You’re my wife! You belong to me. What the fuck you mean? And let me find out you lying, being sneaky, covering your tracks and shit! I’ma fuck you up, Neph!”