Hate to Love You

by Ivy Symone

  I tried to force his hand away by pulling on his arm. Then I began trying to connect my phone with his knuckles hoping to cause him enough pain to let me go. The more I resisted the harder he squeezed. I couldn’t do anything but look him in the eyes and hope that he would let me go.

  Marcos held my gaze as a sinister grin formed from his lips. He let me go with a push to my head. “You look so fucking pathetic.”

  I didn’t just look it; I was pathetic. How much more of this was I going to go through? I asked myself that question over and over. When would the day come that I’ve had enough and leave? Or when would the day come that he get it over with and just kill me?

  “Are you done?” Where did those words come from? Did I just ask him that? Why?

  He was about to walk away but he paused, looked back at me, and said, “You must want me to beat your ass.”

  “Hey, you don’t love me if you ain’t beating me,” I said sarcastically. I offered him a forced smile.

  He actually chuckled at my foolishness. It wasn’t one of those chuckles that he thought what I said was funny, but rather one that let me know he was getting annoyed. Maybe I should stop while I was ahead.

  Marcos cut his eyes at me before walking away. Inside, I sighed with relief.

  Walking back out into the bedroom, I went for my purse sitting on the chaise lounge. Marcos was sitting at the foot of our bed and was on the phone. I paused when I heard him say, “Hey Mama, can you let them know Neph won’t be in for the day. Get somebody else to cover for her.”

  Frowned up in confusion, I looked at him. “Why are you telling her I’m not coming to work?”

  Instead of asking questions, I should have been running for the door. In two seconds, Marcos was able to end the phone call while getting up and striking me with more force than necessary. It sent me bouncing against our bed. Holding my face from the sting of the blow and shock, I looked up at him with question.

  He began to explain in a very cold tone, “Since you wanna be smart and shit, I thought I’d give you what you want. And—”

  “No! You’re upset because you didn’t find out what—”

  “Shut the fuck up!” he barked and went to hit me again.

  I blocked him from hitting my face but he tried getting punches in between my arms.

  “Get up!” he ordered.

  I used the edge of the nightstand to assist me to my feet. And in that moment I got the bright idea to do like they do in the movies and grab the lamp to swing on him. In mid-swing I was thinking I had fucked up but I also knew I couldn’t undo my move.

  It didn’t do what I wanted it to do, but it did connect upside his head enough to shock him. I didn’t wait this time. I sprinted for the bedroom door before he could grab me.

  I had no idea where I was running. I couldn’t leave because I never picked my purse up from the chaise lounge. I had no keys but I was still holding on to my phone. Never looking back to see if he was following me, I hurried down the stairs to our lower level. I could hear him coming but he wasn’t that close. I quickly dashed behind the bar in the recreational room. There was a cabinet back there that the kids would hide inside when they were playing around. Thankful that I was still petite, I eased inside and carefully closed the doors.

  I heard him. He was downstairs with me. He didn’t seem pressed to find me. He was taking his time, taunting me with his casual stroll and whistling.

  “You always wanna play games, Neph. So, we’ll play. But when I find you or whenever you decide to come out of hiding, I’ma beat your ass.”

  Why won’t he just go away! I didn’t get why he still felt a need to be around just to make me miserable. Why?

  “Marcos!”

  He ignored Ada calling for him. He came around the bar and I knew he knew where I was. I was just waiting for him to open the door.

  “Marcos! It’s your mama calling. She said it’s important!”

  I held my breath just so he couldn’t hear me.

  Ada yelled in the distance, “It’s your grandmama! She done died! Your daddy just called.”

  “What?” Marcos exclaimed. I could hear the panic in his voice.

  I know this was an evil thought but I had never been so happy to hear about somebody’s death as I was in that moment. Just like that, Marcos abandoned his pursuit of killing me.

  Saved by death.

  ______

  Marcos went to Columbia along with Beverly, Chrissy, and four out of our seven kids. Bleu and Azul stayed behind because they had prior plans to travel to Miami with a friend and his family for the Fourth of July holiday. And Yanna just didn’t want to go. She didn’t like her father or any of his family.

  Of course we got into an argument, which reminded him he owed me an ass whooping already. As a reminder of who he was and as assurance that I had no plans to go out for the holiday while he was gone, he gave me a busted lip and a bruised leg.

  Corvell shook his head with pity. “This is getting old. He should be tired of doing this mess by now.”

  I sighed hopelessly. “Yeah, you would think.”

  “We could always kill him, Neph,” Nikki said, looking up from her cell phone momentarily.

  “Kill?” Corvell asked incredulously. He spun around on his barstool to give Nikki wide eyes. “I know you ain’t talking about killing somebody. Aren’t you against violence?”

  “Not when it comes to him,” Nikki turned up her nose. “I’m sick of Marcos.”

  Corvell spun back around to look at me sympathetically. “We need Ms. Thang here to get sick of his ass.”

  “I am,” I told them quietly.

  Nikki looked up from her phone again and snorted a sarcastic laugh. “That didn’t sound very convincing.”

  “I am,” I reiterated. “I just don’t know how to get rid of him.”

  Nikki mumbled, “Antifreeze.”

  Changing the subject Corvell asked, “Well, what about dude you been talking to?”

  “What dude?” This made Nikki put her phone completely down.

  The thought of Blake made me smile but caused me to sadden. I had been ignoring him for the past few days. I just didn’t want to be bothered because I was too busy sulking. Not only that, but I came to the conclusion that I was wasting his time. Besides, I didn’t need to add onto my troubles by inviting someone new into my tumultuous life. I couldn’t be anything more than a telephone conversation for him anyway.

  “I was talking to this guy from the dating thing,” I said without care.

  “What do you mean was?” Corvell asked.

  “I don’t need to keep talking to him,” I replied.

  “He know your situation?” Nikki asked.

  “Nope,” I answered.

  Nikki hopped off her barstool and slung her purse over her shoulder. “Keep him on the side or something.”

  Corvell asked, “You leaving now?”

  “Yeah,” Nikki grinned. “Going to this barbecue with Trevor.”

  “And why couldn’t you invite anybody?” Corvell countered.

  Nikki screwed her face in taken aback gesture. “Why would I invite you and it’s supposed to be me meeting Trevor’s family. What I look like bringing my pet friend along?”

  “A pet friend?” Corvell feigned insult.

  I shook my head and laughed at them. Corvell hopped off of his barstool too. “Well, let me get up outta here. Neph, you sure you don’t wanna come out with me?”

  I nodded. “I’m positive. But y'all have fun and be careful.”

  All three of us exchanged farewell hugs and then I walked them to the front door. When they left, I was alone and this big house seemed so empty. Although Yanna decided to stay behind, she went to my sister’s house with Lailani. Ada was gone spending the holiday with her own family.

  As I looked around my home, I knew there was so much for me to be thankful for but I was empty. I needed something to fill that void.

  I went to my phone and I text Blake: hey

  It t
ook several minutes but he responded.

  Blake: hey

  Me: I wanna meet

  Blake: Now?

  Me: not right now because I’m sure you’re celebrating with family

  Blake: when and are you sure?

  Me: I wanna take things to another level.

  Blake: What do you mean?

  Me: I hadn’t been intimate in a while

  Blake: Answer this question first and please be honest. Are you still with your husband?

  Me: No

  Blake: I don’t think you’re telling the truth

  Me: why do you care? I’m trying to have sex and you’re asking questions. I thought that’s what you men wanted

  Blake: I care because you’re still with your husband and I don’t want those problems. And don’t put all of us men in the same box

  I was losing my patience. Me: Can we meet or what?

  Blake: No. I’m sure your husband wouldn’t appreciate it. Do you think sleeping with me will take away whatever he done to you?

  I rolled my eyes. He really was like my therapist now.

  Me: He’s a woman beater and that’s all he’s ever done these whole 19 years. He don’t love me. He never has. He loves his other baby mama more than he do me. And for the life of me I can’t figure out what I’ve ever done to deserve this life with him. I’m miserable.

  The angry tears spilled over my bottom lids, rolled down my cheeks and landed on the screen of my phone.

  Blake: Do you hate him?

  Me: Yes and I wish he would have a stroke and die!

  Blake: I’m sorry that you have gone through that.

  Me: Yeah I am too

  Blake: I can’t go to that next level with you. Not as long as you’re still a married woman and you’re with him. Once you’ve taken care of that situation then we’ll see where things can go between us. I wish you the best of luck and take care.

  This was just great! I can’t win for anything.

  Me: You have yourself a good life. Be blessed!

  _________

  I was pissed about Blake. For some reason I was starting to believe he was going to be my knight in shining armor. I was so disappointed. And if that wasn’t enough, when Marcos and the kids returned a few days later, he had the nerves to be in a good mood.

  “You didn’t miss me?” he asked in a teasing tone. I was sitting on the sofa in the den and he had come around blocking my view of the television.

  I cut my eyes at him. When had I ever missed him?

  “Why you gotta look so mean?”

  Did he just ask me that? Wait! Don’t he remember that he gave me a busted lip before he left?

  I guess he forgot about all of that. He leaned down and proceeded to kiss me but I pushed him away.

  Insulted, he asked, “You really don’t miss me, huh?”

  I shook my head and continued to focus on the television.

  I don’t know what he had been smoking while he was in Columbia but this was so out of character for him. He began kissing me on my neck, nibbling at my ears, and nipping me here and there with little teasing bites. It was too affectionate coming from him and it was making me uncomfortable.

  I pushed him away. “Will you stop?”

  He sat down beside me and in a more serious tone he said, “For some reason these last couple of days you’ve been really on my mind. I couldn’t wait to get back just to see your face. I’ve been wanting to make love to you. And—”

  My laughter interrupted him. I looked at him and said, “Make love?”

  “Why is that funny?”

  I waved him off shaking my head with skepticism. “Marcos, stop playing with me.”

  “A man can’t miss his wife?”

  “Why would you miss me? You’ve never missed me. Why now? Did burying your grandmother give you some great epiphany?”

  He sat there as if he was pondering the thought.

  I couldn’t resist laughing again.

  Hesitantly, Marcos said, “Let’s work things out.”

  “Like counseling?” I asked for clarity.

  He shook his head. “You know how I feel about that counseling shit. We can do this ourselves.”

  “We would need a mediator because as soon as I say or do something that you don’t like, then I’ll get smacked. No thanks, Marcos,” I said. By the end of my statement I had grown angry. The idea of he and I working things out was absurd, especially if we were doing it strictly by his terms.

  “So, you wanna keep things the way they are?” he asked.

  “Minus you hitting on me, yeah,” I answered sarcastically.

  He stared at me for a few seconds. For a minute there I thought I detected hurt and dejection in his face but it was quickly replaced with vexation. He abruptly got up and walked out of the den.

  I thought I had gotten rid of him but much to my surprise he didn’t go anywhere. I wanted him to leave like he normally did. I didn’t like when he was home any more. I know that seemed backwards because a part of me wanted him to have the desire to be home; at least for the kids. But for me, I could do without him.

  After my time with the kids that night, I retired to my bedroom. I ignored Marcos lying in bed as I prepared for bed. When I finally got in bed I still ignored him. I think he liked it better that way. If I ignored him then I had to keep the charade up when he attacked me aggressively stripping me of my clothes.

  I didn’t assist him in any way. I had to pretend that I didn’t want it. I didn’t. I rather it had been someone else, someone new. But honestly, I enjoyed sex when he took it. Maybe it was the way he had conditioned me to be. That’s why when he used words like ‘make love’ it was funny to me. Marcos hadn’t been gentle with me since the beginning of our sex life.

  Skipping the joys of foreplay, he got right to it. Keeping me on my back, he roughly snatched my leg over his and he dug into me while on his side. I hated responding to him, but the way he was stroking me sent little shivers throughout my body. My breasts ached and were begging for attention. Seeing me massage them prompted him to start rubbing on them. He even took the closest one in his mouth.

  I moaned accidentally. I bit down on my bottom lip to keep from doing it again but it just came out as forced groans. Shit! What was in to him? I would have asked but his mouth found its way to mine. Before I knew it, we were in an intense lip lock. It made my stomach quiver and my pussy convulse around him. That caused him to moan into my mouth and in that moment I realized sex with me was actually enjoyable for him. I used to think it was just something to get him a nut but I guess he did enjoy me sexually.

  When he began to rub on my clit as his dick massaged my insides, I began speaking in tongues. He could ask me to do anything right now and I would oblige.

  “You love me, Neph?”

  I moaned and nodded my head.

  “Tell me,” he panted into my ear.

  I tried to look at him but my eyes kept rolling around. I managed a weak, “I love you.”

  Did I or was it the sex? Did I love Marcos? As always, I was torn. I wanted to love this man but I also hoped he got ran over by an industrial size tractor.

  If I could still get pregnant, I’m sure I would have gotten pregnant. The way he came seemed like he dumped a pound of semen in me. It took a lot out of him as if he had been letting that build up. Within seconds of cumming, he was snoring in my ear; literally snoring in my ear. He hadn’t moved. He was still at my side with his softened member still inside me.

  I wanted to think about what just happened but even I was too tired to keep my eyes open for much longer.

  _______

  Lillian was super excited about this therapy session. I wasn’t. As a matter of fact I was beginning to think it was stupid and a waste of time. However, I agreed to it. So, here I was sitting in Lillian’s office waiting for our third party.

  Lillian was clicking around on her computer when a knock came to the door.

  “She’s here,” she said with glee as she got up t
o greet the person.

  I waited quietly until the person came fully into the office and the door was closed.

  Before taking a seat, Lillian introduced us. “Nephia meet Bless. Bless, this is Nephia. I’m so glad that you agree to do this.”

  Pleasantly, Bless stretched her hand out to me. “It’s nice to meet you.”

  I absently took her hand and studied her face. I knew this woman. To be sure I asked, “Aren’t you related to Special K?”

  Bless looked clueless.

  “Kennedi,” I stated.

  “Oh!” She laughed as it dawned on her. “I forgot that’s what she has people calling her. Yeah, that’s my niece.”

  “She’s a student at the music and dance school,” I told her. “I’m an instructor there but my husband’s family owns it.”

  Again, Bless was delighted and her eyes grew in wonderment. “Okay! You’re Mrs. Beauchamp’s daughter-in-law. Kennedi loves that place. Her cousins go there as well. They all love it.”

  Observing Bless even more I could see the family resemblance. Bless didn’t possess the same chocolate complexion as Kennedi but she did have the same rounded babydoll face with big slanted eyes.

  Lillian interjected, “Well, isn’t this great.”

  Now I had become curious. Lillian suggested that I meet with another patient of hers who have had her own bouts with domestic violence. She felt like I should hear this woman’s story and hopefully it would somehow have an impact on me. The times I’ve seen Bless at the school, she never came off as some miserable, broken, woman. She seemed to be full of spirit just as much as her niece.

  No more time was wasted as Bless sat down in a chair across from me and began to tell her story of her ex husband. The last straw for her was when he had stabbed her multiple times. She pointed out every single slightly keloid scar adorning her body in various places that he left behind. She went on to tell me how she struggled with her decisions to work with the courts to have him put away for a long time. She said a lot of it had to do with their two sons being without their father. Fortunately, for her, she had a twin brother that was there for her.