Key To His Heart (Gay Romance)

by Trina Solet

  "Your treasures are very nice," Phillip told him. "Do you know what my biggest treasure is?"

  Ant thought hard about it and decided it was Bee and Ruby, his fish.

  "No. It's you."

  *

  Leon told himself he was just going shopping. It happened to be with Phillip and Ant, but it didn't mean anything. Ant had invited him and Phillip went along with it. Now Phillip seemed far away. When the elevator doors closed, Leon reached past him to press the button for the parking garage then changed his mind and let Ant do the honors.

  "You look a little spacey. You OK to drive?" Leon teased Phillip as they got out of the elevator in the parking garage and he just stood there instead of going to his car.

  "I was just thinking about how little things make a huge difference in one's life."

  They both looked at Ant, who was peering at a colorful bumper sticker on a nearby SUV.

  "Let's go equip this kid. What do you need, an abacus, a slide rule, a compass?" Leon joked.

  Ant shrugged. "I don't know. I've never been to school before. Uncle Phillip has a list."

  "And it doesn't include any of that stuff. Crayons and colored pencils are on the list though," Phillip said knowing that would make Ant happy.

  As they went into the store, Leon told Ant to lead the way. Ant looked all around then up at Phillip. He pointed out where the school supplies were. Ant nodded and took Leon's hand and marched him over there.

  "Are you nervous about going to school?" Leon asked Ant.

  Phillip beat him to it. Under his breath, he answered, "I know I am," and he looked it too. He didn't want to let Ant go off into the big, scary world of preschool.

  Ant gave his own answer by scrunching up his face and making a small, unhappy noise.

  "Nothing to be worried about," Leon reassured him. "You're going to learn loads of stuff and have a ton of fun. Promise. Now we high-five." Leon raised his hand too high and Ant jumped up. Leon met him more than half way and there was a tiny smack as Ant's little hand hit Leon's big one. "See how good you are at high-fiving. You're going to be good at everything."

  Once they were in the school supplies aisle, Ant was entranced by so many different colored pencils and boxes of crayons. He wasn't a kid who got a lot of stuff bought for him until now. Every little thing was a big deal to him. While Ant poked around, Phillip thanked Leon for what seemed like a hundredth time.

  "I was going shopping anyway. Being with you guys just makes it more fun," Leon said with a shrug.

  "You mean Ant makes it more fun."

  "Don't correct me. I know how to say what I mean," Leon asserted and gave Phillip a significant look. Afraid to give away too much, Leon turned away quickly. He wasn't sure how far he could push his luck with him before Phillip shut him down. He made Leon so confused.

  When he was with Phillip, he could almost believe that something wonderful was just about to begin. It simmered right under the surface. Leon could see it in Phillip's gray eyes.

  Away from him, Leon was more sensible. Right now Phillip needed him. Leon was his crutch until he got used to being an uncle. Once he didn't need him, they would just be a boss and an employee on friendly terms, but nothing more.

  But now was one of those times when he was with Phillip and he didn't care why they were together. All he cared about was that a warm feeling grew in his chest and spread everywhere. He felt a surge of excitement whenever their eyes met. Leon wanted to grab Phillip's face in his hands and ask him, "Do you know how good this feels – to be with you anywhere, doing anything?"

  If he was brave, he might ask Phillip if he felt that way too. Leon might not even wait for his answer before he kissed him. If he was brave.

  The truth was he could barely hold the man's gaze. He contented himself with enjoying what they had and hoping that they might grab something to eat together.

  "I'm kind of hungry," Leon said to move things in the right direction. It was both a hint and the truth.

  Phillip was nice enough to take the bait. "After you're finished with your shopping, we could stop by Regina's for something to eat," he suggested.

  Leon was surprised by his choice. "Regina's doesn't seem like your kind of place."

  "You are right. I've never been there, but I've heard good things about it. It seemed like a place Ant might like. And maybe you too."

  Leon grinned but tried not to show how pleased he was. It was a small thing, but he felt like his heart was beating faster now.

  "Hey, Ant. Did you hear that? We re going out to dinner," Leon said.

  "Out for fries?" Ant asked looking excited.

  Leon wondered if that was all he ever got to have when he ate out. On Lilly's budget, even an order of fries was a treat.

  "You can have anything you want," Phillip told Ant. Leon could tell that he had guessed the same thing and wanted to indulge him. He had more love for that kid then he knew what to do with.

  Since fries were on the menu, they got the shopping done fast. They picked up a few things for Lilly and Bernie as well. Those two ladies were never far from Ant's and Phillip's thoughts. Ant was already planning what he was going to draw for Bernie and his Gran-gran as he clutched the biggest box of crayons they had. Leon felt like he was always seeing little signs of how much everyone in this whole newly minted family cared about each other.

  Regina's big, messy sandwiches were a hit with Ant as were the tall chairs and tables. Ant ordered a ham and cheese melt but mostly stuffed his face with fries. Now the sandwich was in a takeout bag, and they were on their way to drop off Leon at his car.

  Phillip got out and thanked Leon again. His gratitude was out of control.

  "Didn't you just take me out to dinner? I'm supposed to be thanking you," Leon told him.

  "It's because I know Ant wouldn't be having so much fun without you. And I bet you have better, more adult ways to spend your time," Phillip said.

  "I wonder what you're implying," Leon said slyly.

  "Nothing," Phillip said too quickly.

  "I had a good time," Leon told him almost like it was the end of a date. He did for a second consider leaning in and kissing Phillip.

  "I'll see you tomorrow," Phillip said and then they both just stood there, next to his car. Neither one of them wanted to be the first to go. They looked at each other then away. It was like some spell was keeping them in place, inches apart, not touching, not daring to look at each other but held together by some invisible force.

  Finally Leon broke the spell. He said goodnight to Phillip, waved goodbye to Ant, and walked away with his heart fluttering in his chest, aching for something impossible and beautiful in the least romantic place imaginable – under the florescent lights surrounded by the gray cement of a parking garage.

  Chapter 19

  Having taken Ant to his first day of preschool, Phillip arrived at the office later than usual. That was going to be the norm for him from now on. Good thing Leon was there to take care of things.

  The first thing Leon did when Phillip walked in was to furrow his brows and ask, "Where is the little guy?"

  "You were there when we got the school supplies," Phillip reminded him. "He is at preschool and after that he'll be at daycare."

  Leon slumped down behind his desk and took on a listless but still somewhat professional attitude. "Good morning, sir. Can I get you a coffee?"

  "Not today. Thank you. I'll miss having Ant here too," Phillip admitted. "He was the life of the party."

  Leon smiled. "How did it go?"

  "Not too bad. Except that all morning long, I was so anxious I almost forgot to take pictures to show to Lilly."

  "There are pictures," Leon said and stared at Phillip hard until he realized what he wanted.

  "Would you like to see them?"

  "Yes, please," Leon said. He got up from behind his desk as Phillip got out his phone and went over to him.

  They both angled their heads toward each other to be able to see the screen. They were so c
lose. Phillip could smell Leon's clean, crisp scent with an underlying masculine heat. It made him wonder about the taste of his skin. He would kill for just one lick along the edge of his jaw then the cords of his neck, but he wouldn't be able to stop there. Phillip would spend hours tangling his fingers through his hair, looking into his eyes, and making him come.

  Phillip gritted his teeth and suppressed a shudder. The pictures on his phone were only a blur. Phillip hadn't anticipated how close they would be standing or what it would do to him. His whole awareness was consumed by the nearness of Leon, almost touching. The warmth of his body was within easy reach. Just another inch and he would feel him. Have him.

  "He's going to be such a good little student. I bet you were the teachers pet," Leon said to Phillip teasingly.

  Phillip gave him a weak smile, not trusting himself to say anything. If he opened his mouth, he couldn't guarantee that what came out wouldn't be an inappropriate confession of his feelings or, God forbid, a proposition.

  Leon was having a stronger effect on him all the time. Phillip was unnerved by the force of his feelings. He wanted to throw the phone to Leon and run away.

  Leon didn't seem to notice his weakened state as he looked at dozens of photos Phillip had taken of Ant. After nearly forgetting to take pictures, Phillip kind of got carried away. He wanted to preserve every second of Ant's first day of preschool.

  "Look at that sweet face," Leon said as he looked at a photo of Ant standing proudly in front of the colorful facade of his preschool with his new backpack on his tiny shoulders. "He wasn't too nervous when you dropped him off, was he?" Leon asked with a concerned frown.

  "I think excitement won over the nerves," Phillip said. Focusing on Ant helped steady him. It reminded him of everything Leon had done to help him. He deserved better for his kindness than to have his boss hitting on him.

  "I shouldn't have looked at these. Now I miss him even more," Leon said. "I miss his chirpy little voice. And his laugh."

  "It's better not to know what you're missing," Phillip said, thinking of the feelings Leon had stirred up in him.

  "Oh. That wasn't about Ant. What are you missing?" Leon asked.

  "Nothing you need to be concerned about," Phillip blurted out. Too late he realized how sharp his words sounded. He saw Leon freeze up. It was like a mask came down over his face. The warning in his voice was for himself, not Leon, but he didn't know that.

  Leon stepped back from him looking chastised. Phillip regretted it immediately. Not knowing how to fix his blunder, Phillip started talking business to cover his embarrassment.

  He hadn't really meant to rebuff him like that. It was a reflex. In a business setting, Phillip always acted cold and standoffish whenever any personal overtures were made toward him. But in this case, Phillip was the one who had invited Leon into his personal life. It was something he wouldn't have dreamed of with anyone else, especially an employee. This was his fault and he didn't know how to set it right.

  For now, his retreat to a safer topic seemed to work. Leon's demeanor turned from hurt to neutral. Leon was now professional but with that easy, casual stance that was his trademark. Everything seemed all right now. So why did Phillip feel the ache of sharp regret at losing the little bit of closeness they shared. Phillip had the urge to grab Leon and tell him he was sorry, confess all his secrets, bare himself to him as he begged for his forgiveness.

  Instead, Phillip finished giving Leon instructions. He saw Leon getting started on the work he had assigned him. As he went into his office, Phillip still felt conflicted and mad at himself. He couldn't just run away. Right at the door, he turned back.

  "It's so much better having someone I can share things with. Thank you," he said to Leon.

  Leon looked up, smiled at him and went back to work a little more cheerfully. And Phillip did too. Seeing a smile on Leon's face made him wonder what it would be like to share his life with someone who could fill his heart with joy with one simple gesture or a single look. He couldn't imagine it. Someone like Leon greeting him with a smile or a kiss every time he opened his eyes in the morning – was exactly what he had to stop fantasizing about. He was going to bury himself in work until it was time to pick up Ant from daycare.

  Why wasn't Leon an assistant with no appeal or just someone he met outside of work and could approach with no worries? A day at the office wasn't supposed to be such an emotional roller coaster, and Phillip had only been there a few minutes. How was he going to survive the rest of this day?

  If only Ant was here to protect him from his worst impulses. To think that little Ant had such a huge impact on his life. He was his buffer but also an excuse for spending time with Leon. Being his uncle had turned Phillip inside out.

  Was he even the same man any more? At one time reclusive, work obsessed, exacting and driven, he now found that work was an afterthought and warm, human connections were everything to him. Caught between his little nephew and his assistant, Phillip hardly recognized himself any more.

  One thing hadn't changed though – once again Phillip was at his office at home, up late into the night. He was working while his thoughts vacillated between Ant and Leon. Sitting back, he stretched then decided to get himself some water.

  Maybe if he could just make his mind stop, he could get some sleep. But that was hopeless. Lying in bed, in the dark, set off a whirlwind of fantasies about Leon. They were easier to keep under control when he wasn't half awake and at the mercy of his yearnings. And if he gave himself up to sleep, feverish dreams of Leon would take over where the fantasies left off.

  In the kitchen, Phillip didn't bother to turn on the light, just opened the fridge. The glare from inside the fridge was harsh on his tired eyes. Just as he grabbed a bottle of water, he heard the familiar sound of tiny feet. With the bottle in hand, he headed back to his office where Ant would be looking for him.

  Ant wasn't there, but the sound of small, running feet was just around the corner toward Phillip's bedroom. Turning the corner, Phillip found Ant standing at his open bedroom door and peering anxiously into his pitch-black bedroom.

  "I'm not in there if you're looking for me," Phillip said and watched Ant jump with fright. "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."

  Ant breathed quickly and looked anxious for a moment. Then he looked so happy and relieved to see Phillip. As he ran to him and took hold of his hand, Ant looked up and Phillip smiled at him.

  "So you're awake again."

  "I couldn't find you," Ant said with a note of reproach in his voice.

  "Sorry. I was just getting a bottle of water from the kitchen."

  "It was dark."

  Seeing how he stayed close as he walked him back to his room, Phillip wondered about Ant coming into his office to sleep on the couch most nights. Phillip assumed that it was just because the place was new to him, but now he saw that there might be something more to it. "Ant, are you scared of the dark?"

  "I don't like it," Ant said.

  Phillip put an arm around his tiny shoulders as they went to Ant's bedroom. He turned on the light in the hallway and the lamp in his room too.

  "Why didn't you tell me you were scared of the dark?" Phillip asked him as they both sat down on Ant's dinosaur bed.

  He gave a small shrug.

  "You weren't scared at your Gran-gran's, were you?"

  "I was scared sometimes, but the big light in the kitchen is on all the time and Gran-gran was right there. I could hear her snoring."

  Phillip remembered that Ant shared a bedroom with her. He wasn't used to sleeping alone.

  "Doesn't the astronaut nightlight help?" Phillip pointed out the astronaut with a big helmet that lit up.

  "It's small."

  "We can fix that. You can have a bigger light. OK?"

  "But I like sleeping in the office. You go click click click." While making a funny face, Ant mimed typing and moving the mouse.

  "You can come over to the office whenever you are scared, or you can call me and I'l
l come to you. But right now try sleeping here. I'll stay with you, and we'll leave this lamp on."

  Phillip stood up and pulled back the covers so Ant could lie down. Once Ant was in bed and Phillip tucked the covers around him securely, he sat down again next to him.

  "You can always talk to me if something is bothering you or if anything scares you," he told Ant.

  "I'm not scared when you're here. You're big and strong."

  Phillip smiled. He was glad he could ease Ant's fears so easily. Except now he didn't want to leave him even after he fell asleep. How could he leave this tiny boy all alone? He wanted to be there at every second of his life just in case. Taking a look around at his colorful and friendly, well-lit room, he decided to be sensible and go to bed.

  *

  Leon had a new routine these days. Cereal was still on the menu, coffee was still made with his eyes closed, but now Leon went to work the whole way repeating to himself that his boss was off limits. He knew that ever since the moment he met him, but parts of him refused to believe it.

  It was easier to convince himself when Phillip wasn't around, when his eyes didn't melt into Leon's like he was offering him his soul. That was just in Leon's imagination. In reality Phillip wasn't offering him anything. He was just a kind, gorgeous guy and Leon just wanted to make up fairy tales about him. Here is the knight in shining armor, the one he always dreamed about, the one who would save him.

  Save him from what? Leon was OK now, not a helpless kid wondering who would hurt him next and how. But for some reason Phillip reached the places inside him where he hurt the most and promised to heal them.

  When Phillip came into the office, Leon put on his best professional face while his heart beat like crazy. How could such a buttoned up guy do this to him?

  It wasn't so bad though. Leon had it under control as long as Phillip didn't come over to stand next to his desk and look into his eyes too long.