Key To His Heart (Gay Romance)

by Trina Solet

  But Phillip did just that – he stood, he stared, and he took Leon's breath away. After a long moment of silence while Leon's heart tried to jump out of his chest and his whole body heated, Phillip turned away.

  At the last minute, when it looked like he was about to go into his office, a piece of mail from the stack Leon was sorting caught his eye. Phillip reached over and picked it up. Leon told himself not to breathe but he did. He caught the freshly showered scent coming off Phillip's skin and cursed himself for it. Now he did hold his breath wanting greedily to hold on to Phillip's scent more than he wanted to breathe.

  Noticing Phillip hesitating instead of going in his office, Leon looked up at him to see if there was something he wanted.

  "Something on your mind this morning?" Leon asked. It seemed like Phillip wanted to say something but was holding himself back.

  "I feel like I'm always unburdening myself to you," Phillip said, furrowing his brows and sounding guilty.

  "I don't mind. So what's the burden?"

  After another short hesitation, Phillip decided to give it up. "Ant has been having trouble sleeping through the night, and I was ignoring the problem."

  "With the move and all the changes, it isn't surprising. You think he hasn't been getting enough sleep?" Leon asked him. He could tell how bothered he was.

  "He sleeps but he wakes up and comes to find me, usually in my office."

  "Are you sure it's Ant who has trouble sleeping?" Leon asked archly.

  "I don't sleep much especially since Tony died, and that's all the more reason I should have been aware that Ant was afraid of the dark. I separated him from Lilly, from everything he knows. I should have been more vigilant and realized it sooner." It was clear how bad he felt about it.

  "Was he that scared?"

  Phillip seemed to be looking for the right word. "I would say apprehensive. It didn't last. Once he saw I was there, he was OK."

  "See, you're doing fine. Ant feels safe with you, so don't beat yourself up about it. The most important thing you can do is be there. I told you about my dad. When I was a scared little kid, I looked around and there was no one there I could count on. Just by being there, on the spot, you are doing what Ant needs most."

  "Thank you for saying that," Phillip said. "I'm going to get a big nightlight for his room. I've been leaving his lamp on at night but I'd like something less bright. Funny, these days it seems that I'm always shopping for something for Ant," Phillip said with a faint smile. He obviously didn't mind. "I'm even shopping for a new fish to add to the aquarium. But we need a long lived fish."

  "Long lived?"

  "I'm afraid that Bee or Ruby will croak on me, and I'll have a heartbroken boy on my hands. I want a fish that lives forever so Ant will never be sad." Judging by the look on his face, Phillip knew how crazy that was.

  "Ah. One of those. OK. A fish that never dies. You are such a weirdo," Leon said then caught himself. "I mean, you're such a weirdo, sir."

  Phillip only smiled. Leon didn't see any sign that he was offended. Remembering something he had seen in some ad, Leon did a quick search.

  "This is it. Two birds with one stone." Leon showed him what he found online. "It's a big night light and also a fake aquarium."

  Leaning over Leon shoulder to get a better look at the screen, Phillip pointed out the obvious. "Those fish aren't real."

  "Isn't that what you asked for? Fish that never die."

  Phillip laughed. "I guess I did."

  "I admit it's kind of cheesy, but I bet Ant will like it as his big nightlight," Leon said then he thought about what this silly, oversized nightlight meant, how it showed Phillip's love and concern for Ant.

  It was hard for him to imagine growing up with someone who cared so much. One word, one sign of fear from Ant and Phillip was working to make everything better. During his childhood, Leon had been unable to share his smallest or his worst fears with either of his parents. And it wasn't simply his own inability to speak up for himself. He had received some sort of silent signal from them that told him "we don't want to know".

  No wonder he was so taken with Phillip. On the surface he was closed off, but really, he was so ready to give of himself.

  Standing by his desk, Phillip noticed his thoughtful, faraway look.

  "Were you afraid of the dark?" Phillip asked, but the concerned look in his eyes told Leon that he knew the answer.

  "Fear was kind of a constant for me. It was worse at night though. But my fear was based on reality. There were bad things in the dark that would hurt me and a nightlight wouldn't have fixed anything. Unlike me, Ant will learn that he has nothing to be afraid of."

  "I'm sorry," Phillip told him.

  "I'm just glad Ant has you. Whenever he's scared, one look at you, and he knows everything is right in his little world."

  "I wish someone had been there to do that for you," Phillip said.

  Leon smiled wryly. "I think I'm still waiting for that someone. Maybe all damaged people do – wait all their lives for the person who will set their world right."

  "You'll find him," Phillip said his voice harsh in its certainty.

  "I will?" Leon looked at him with surprise. "I was kind of thinking it was up to me to set my own world right."

  Phillip blinked, looking kind of flustered. Then he agreed with Leon. "That too. I just meant that you deserve... You deserve everything good. To be happy and never to be hurt again." Phillip seemed on the verge of listing more wishes and hopes he had for Leon but stopped himself.

  "You're a good guy," Leon told him. His throat was tight and his words came out low and strangled. He was touched by what Phillip said and even more by the way he said it. It was like whatever he felt and was holding back was unrestrained for a moment and it spilled out. Leon could imagine what it would feel like to be held in Phillip's arms, to be kept safe and warm all night. It was a heady sensation more seductive than any sex dream, and he had sweated and moaned to many of them about Phillip. How was Leon supposed to keep his wits about him now?

  Chapter 20

  Though the big aquarium nightlight helped, Ant still came over to sleep on the sofa in Phillip's office every now and then. Phillip didn't really mind. He missed Ant every day when he was at work and Ant was in preschool and daycare.

  For his part, Ant looked forward to every day at school. He was doing well and getting along with the other kids. But one day when Phillip picked him up from daycare, Ant seemed down. He had been cheerful and excited when he picked him up from preschool. Now he was gloomy.

  As he buckled Ant into his astronaut seat, as he called his car seat, Phillip asked him what was the matter.

  "The other kids don't like me," Ant said with his chin down and his face crinkled.

  "Why do you say that?"

  "Rita and Lou said they don't wanna play with me 'cause I don't know anything, and Jimmy called me a dummy."

  "You're not. You're a smarty," Phillip told him.

  Ant looked at him questioningly.

  "Yeah. You're my smarty," Phillip assured him. "You know what, do you want to come with me to my office tomorrow after preschool?"

  Ant nodded and cheered up right away. Though Phillip smiled at him, he was angry on Ant's behalf. He wasn't going to let him go back to daycare until he made sure it was the right place for him. He wouldn't tolerate anyone making Ant feel bad.

  The next day, Leon was thrilled to see Ant arrive at the office. He gave Phillip a big grin as Ant ran over to his desk bubbling over with news from his day at preschool. It was hard to follow his stories, but Leon didn't mind the stream of happy nonsense. Watching Ant with Leon, Phillip saw how cheerful and excited he was, nothing like the day before.

  The more he saw of Ant and Leon together, the more Phillip found himself thinking that's how it should be. He tried to shake off such an odd thought but the appeal of the scene was too strong. He only snapped out of his daydream when he heard Ant telling Leon about visiting Lilly and how they were going
to have dinner at the nursing home with her and Bernie. Phillip wanted to take them out for dinner, but Bernie was still self-conscious about the effects of the stroke. She was getting better all the time though.

  Thinking of her and Lilly, Phillip got out his phone, and had Ant call his Gran-gran. Ant found her picture and clicked to make the call. He got a proud look on his little face whenever he got to do things like that for himself. While he chatted with Lilly, Phillip had a chance to conduct some business with Leon. He had a few things for him to look over and sign.

  "It sounds like you go over to visit Lilly practically every day," Leon said.

  "Almost. That's one of the perks of Ivy Gate. I take Ant as often as I can. I don't want him to miss Lilly too much, and she loves seeing him. We have dinner over there at least once a week."

  "And the food?" Leon said with a raised eyebrow.

  "It's not too bad," Phillip said, but the look on his face gave away his real opinion so he admitted the truth. "The food is cooked and seasoned so as not to challenge the elderly digestive system. But Ant likes it OK."

  Leon looked at him with amazement. "You are a saint."

  "Hardly," Phillip said. At that moment he wasn't feeling saintly at all. He was thinking about how much he would rather have dinner with Leon and then have him for dessert right after. He wished his brain would remember that Leon was an employee and that meant he had to give up yet another beautiful daydream.

  Leon didn't make that easy. His demeanor was so friendly and casual, it seduced Phillip into careless thoughts. Every time Phillip tried to strengthen his defenses, there would be a close moment or a look that unraveled it all.

  As they passed papers back and forth over Leon's desk, Leon's knuckles grazed the back of his hand. That brief touch electrified Phillip's whole body. He stood stock-still, afraid that a complete breakdown in his self-control would follow. The moment was frozen with only the sound of his blood rushing and his heart beating too fast filling his ears. Then Leon's voice broke through.

  "You have to get ready for that meeting," Leon reminded him. "Should I watch Ant?"

  "Babysitting isn't in your job description," Phillip said after he blinked at Leon a few times stupidly.

  "No, but it's Ant and it's fun," Leon said just as Ant was bringing Phillip's phone to him.

  "Gran-gran and Bernie say hi. I told 'em I was at work with you and Leon, and Bernie said to ask for a raisin," Ant said, leaving Phillip a little puzzled.

  "One raisin?" Leon said then he leaned down to squint at Ant. "Did she maybe tell you to ask for a raise?"

  "That's how she said it," Ant confirmed, but he still believed she was talking about raisins.

  "Your uncle is going to a meeting later. Maybe he can get you a raisin or even a whole box of them," Leon said to Ant. "Chocolate covered," he whispered to Phillip.

  "I'll see what I can do," Phillip said with a smile.

  "Your uncle has homework to do, and you get to stay out here with me," Leon informed Ant.

  He cleared a space on his desk and put Ant there. As usual, Ant kicked his feet and his heels thumped against the side of the desk.

  "Today you are an assistant to an assistant, and that's a very important job. Later we'll raid my candy stash. Maybe we'll even give some to your uncle," Leon said and sat down behind his desk.

  Leaving them alone, Phillip went to his office. As he worked, Ant's laugh and his high-pitched voice were interlaid with Leon's deeper voice which sometimes turned crisp and serious when he spoke on the phone. Every time after he finished speaking on the phone, Ant would clap like Leon had put on a performance for him.

  A little later Leon invited Ant to sit with him on the carpet. Through the open door, Phillip watched as Leon folded up his legs under him. His eyes lingered on them. He had never met anyone whose physique enticed him so much. If Phillip closed his eyes and let his hands trace an outline of the body they most wanted to touch, it would be Leon's. Still, he couldn't have been comfortable sitting like that in his suit.

  As Phillip tried not to stare at Leon, he and Ant started some sort of game that involved making their own playing cards. He wasn't sure what kind of game the two of them were playing, but Leon seemed to be taking the game just as seriously as Ant did. Somehow Ant still won.

  "You helped me win," Ant protested, catching on that his non-stop winning streak against Leon wasn't natural.

  "Well sure. We're best buds, aren't we?" Leon said.

  Overjoyed to hear it, Ant nodded. He was such a happy boy when he was with Leon.

  When it was time for Phillip to go to his meeting, Leon told him not to worry about anything. "Me and Ant can handle things here."

  Ant agreed then he ran over to Phillip just as he was about to leave. He stopped right in front of him like he wasn't sure what to do next. Phillip got down on one knee and lightly put his arms around Ant's tiny form.

  "I'll be back soon, and if you need me, Leon can call me any time," Phillip told him.

  Ant said, "OK" then threw himself around Phillip's neck in a tight hug. Ant's arms felt small but strong, and Phillip's heart melted.

  As Ant let him go and he got up, Phillip had to fight back tears. "Take good care of him," he said to Leon.

  "I will!" Ant said.

  "I am in good hands," Leon assured Phillip with a smile. "We'll take care of each other."

  To Phillip it sounded like he was included as well, and he realized that Leon always made him feel taken care of. In the glow of that moment, Phillip found it hard to wrench himself away and leave. He just wanted to stay with those two. That was his vision of an ideal life.

  Knowing he had business to conduct, he gritted his teeth and left. The meeting was just down the street so he decided not to bother with the car. Maybe the walk in the fresh air and spending a few hours trying to sort out a new client would help him face reality and stop fantasizing about making a happy little family with his assistant.

  As he stepped outside, Phillip was hit by a burst of bright sunshine. Full of vibrant green foliage, the treetops rustled with a soft, cheerful sound nothing like that death rattle of dry leaves that accompanied his walks all winter. Wasn't that just yesterday? The first days of spring were lost to him, wrapped in a haze of grief. News of Tony's death had darkened his whole world.

  Now maybe his own personal winter was ending, and his vision had cleared. In the midst of the bustle of the busy street, Phillip's eyes were drawn to all the signs of late spring – the bright green leaves, buds and flowers in full bloom. It was like a promise of something even better to come.

  Phillip got back from his meeting just in time to let Leon go home on time. As Ant was getting his stuff together, Phillip talked to Leon about what happened at daycare.

  "Maybe I'm overreacting, but I can't stand to see an unhappy look on his little face."

  Leon didn't object though. "If it means Ant gets to brighten up this gloomy office – no offence – I'm cool with whatever you do. But seriously, trust your instincts. If you think that daycare place isn't right for Ant, that's good enough. Being overprotective isn't the worst thing. I was pushed around at school from grade one. Since I didn't know anything else, I thought it was perfectly normal. Eventually I buried myself in books to escape everything at home and at school. Too bad being caught reading is as good a reason as any to get your ass kicked where I come from." Leon made light of it, but Phillip was very disturbed by what he heard.

  "I'm sorry to hear that."

  Leon dismissed his concern though. "Don't worry about me. It's all in the past. Just know that you're doing the right thing for Ant. I learned to let nasty words and deeds from other kids roll off my back. I had no other choice, but I wouldn't want that for Ant. He has so much goodness inside him. I don't want to see anything chip away at that."

  "Nothing that happened to you has taken away from who you are. You've been wonderful to Ant and me," Phillip told Leon earnestly.

  "I just follow my instincts," Leon said w
ith a shrug. "Ant is a tiny gem of a human being and you're a great guy. If you're a little overprotective of a vulnerable little kid who has had a lot of changes and loss in his life, that's fine."

  "I'm not used to it. Being ruled by my emotions like this is new to me. I don't usually have to work on being even-tempered," Phillip admitted and looked over at Ant who was supposed to be putting things in his book bag but had actually spread them out more than before.

  "That's what love does to you I guess," Leon said.

  Phillip turned to him, but Leon wouldn't meet his gaze. Hearing the word love come out of his mouth, Phillip held his breath for a while. There he was overreacting again. It was just a word, but when Leon said it, Phillip wanted to latch onto it like it was a promise or an offer. Where was Ken now that Phillip needed a verbal slapping around?

  Philip went over and reminded Ant what he was supposed to be doing. Turning up his angelic face, Ant gave him an innocent grin. That child needed to work on his organizational skills.

  "Thank you so much for looking after him," Phillip said as he went back to Leon.

  "You're welcome, but a word of warning, I better not see any extra money because of it." Leon gave him a very serious look.

  "I have to compensate you for the extra work," Phillip insisted.

  "What extra work? Playing with Ant? No. I'm putting my foot down about this," Leon said, getting tough with him.

  "I think that's my line," Phillip said but it got him nowhere. Leon was adamant. He was too good to Ant and to Phillip. It was no wonder Ant liked him so much and Phillip was won over by him more every day. When Leon was around, Phillip didn't feel that crushing anxiety that maybe he couldn't do right by Ant.

  He also felt a number of unwholesome feelings when he was with Leon. Leon's inescapable charms made it difficult, but Phillip had to focus on the gratitude he felt. That meant not giving in to any urges to touch or kiss Leon or to lean in and tell him what he felt for him. How long could he hold back, he wondered. His feelings for Leon were growing stronger all the time. How much longer before they overwhelmed him and made him do something crazy?