The Demise of Guys: Why Boys Are Struggling and What We Can Do About It

by Philip G. Zimbardo

  Since the Equal Pay Act passed in 1963, women’s earnings have grown by 44 percent, compared with 6 percent for men. A 2010 study of single, childless urban workers between the ages of 22 and 30 found that women actually earned 8 percent more than men. Black women with college degrees outnumber black men 2-to-1.115

  Your authors celebrate the recent rise in status, power and wide-ranging abilities of girls and women. Slowly but surely the glass ceiling is opening cracks to enable talented women to move up to top leadership positions in industry. There are virtually no professions today that are off-limits to women who are willing to work to make it in them.

  This is wonderful progress. We don’t want to promote competition between the sexes, though; rather, we’d like to see gender wrapping itself around men and women as a tribal blanket of interconnectedness. There can no longer be us vs. them; we must work toward our shared future together.

  What we can do

  If the trends we’ve discussed here continue, what will happen is unclear, but our culture loses something important when we, as a population, are less able to think critically, delay gratification, or define and achieve meaningful personal and social goals. Technology especially needs to be embraced, but how we embrace it may make the difference between healthy and unhealthy human interaction.

  So where do go from here? How do we improve the situation for guys without disadvantaging another group of people, such as girls and women?

  What schools can do

  Nobody who’s been teaching for 25 years would say that our students aren’t different now than they were then. They need to be stimulated in ways that they didn’t need to be stimulated before.

  — Sherry Turkle, MIT professor116

  Take pressure off performance and cultivate a love of learning. Don’t just give kids topics to master, give them ideals for which to strive. Don’t just talk at students, create an environment where they can get inspired. Take back mindless homework and give back recess. Let kids play, give them creative outlets where they can express themselves and test out different real-life roles. Offer classes that teach personal finance, critical thinking and computer skills. Give gender-specific, not gender-blind, class options and assignments — guys don’t want to read the same books girls do. (Visit National Association for Single Sex Public Education [NASSPE], nasspe.org, for more information on single-sex schooling.)

  These are not pie-in-the-sky fantasies; they are already in practice in many programs with demonstrated effectiveness. The key is their national scalability. Montessori and Waldorf schools similarly create exciting learning centers for students of all ages. Montessori schools, for example, emphasize independence, freedom within limits and respect for a child’s natural psychological development, as well as technological advancements in society. Visit the websites for Montessori (montessori.edu) and Waldorf (whywaldorfworks.org) to learn more.

  Some public schools, too, are making revolutionary changes in the way they teach. In the documentary film Race to Nowhere, when an Oregon high school banned homework, kids started learning more and doing better on tests. Other schools are starting to follow in its footsteps. Visit the film’s website (racetonowhere.com) to learn more.

  “We know from generations of work that devices are catalysts,” says Harvard professor Chris Dede.117 “Many teachers are incorporating more technology into their lessons as a way to strengthen learning. Some professors take advantage of online forums to discuss topics from class or assign their lessons as homework (often in the form of a PowerPoint presentation) and use class time for clarity and discussion. These strategies have proven to be more effective and engaging for students than traditional or formal teaching methods.

  If your school doesn’t have its own internal network set up for classes, use existing social networks like Ning (ning.com), which that cater to educators.

  What parents can do

  If you don’t raise your kids, who will? The bulk of change needs to come from parents. So turn off the chronic stimulation and turn on your son’s creativity. Look at alternatives to medication, find the right program for the boy instead of trying to fit the boy into a program that’s not right for him. Consider enrolling him in school one year later so he loves to learn rather than learns to hate school. Be a good role model or find good male role models or mentors for your son. Teach him positive ways to feel like a man but also ways to develop his unique character as a human being.

  Teach your son about sex. You may feel awkward about it — too bad for you. Your son’s future health depends on him developing balanced perspectives on sex now. Make yourself available for questions. You might also think about adding some books about sex to your family library, or gifting your son a book when you think the time is right. The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex, by Cathy Winks and Anne Semans, is a comprehensive and informative selection we’d recommend.

  If your son is in high school, chat with him about the job market. Obviously you want him to pursue his dreams, but you also want him to be aware of what opportunities will be available once he graduates so he doesn’t enter a weak job market with no prospects and/or a huge student loan. Many parents aren’t helping their kids develop realistic expectations or prepare for what awaits them beyond college. The world is changing; the general advice used to be to get a well-rounded liberal arts education in preparation for graduate school, but that advice is no longer relevant. They have to be tech savvy, and writing and communication skills are critical for success, too. Learning basic social interaction skills means others will want to be around them. Ask if they have friends who are girls as well as guys, and encourage both; open your home to them.

  Fathers must make it a priority to be a part of their son’s life. It is never too late to do so. If you have been a delinquent dad, working for success, traveling too much or being into your own thing, just press Pause. Take time out from the old and familiar to tune into your son. Be willing to express regret for not being there earlier, and share a commitment to rectify that lack, to work at being a more diligent dad, a buddy but also a source of both incentives and boundaries. Ask him about how such a new relationship can start out; seek advice, don’t just give it. Don’t end up like so many middle-agers who look back on their life and feel empty despite their material success because they realize they have sacrificed too much for it — friends, family, even fun and sleep. They did not take the time to be there for their wives, daughters or sons, and now they feel guilty. But it’s possible to right the ship: All you need to do is reset the course, alter the compass and get shipmates on board to work collaboratively on a new common journey. Sons need that from dads even more than daughters do because they will not get it from as many other sources as girls have available, such as friend networks and more-expressive moms.

  It is essential that dads, and maybe uncles and grandpas, too, give top priority to mentoring the sons of this generation. They will value it if done honestly and openly in a constructive manner. You have to get past the awkwardness. Plan what you will say and maybe even practice it with your mate. Find a quiet, safe space to invite the boy into to simple discuss what is going on his life and in yours. You should know what his ambitions are — or are not. What is he concerned about, fears? What does he feel are his strengths and areas that need finer tuning? Just make clear that he can talk to you anytime about anything, especially stuff that usually goes unsaid, such as sex or regrets or his uncertain future.

  One practical suggestion is to ask your kids to track how they spend their time for a week (hold the porn for now). Here are key activities to include:

  Sleeping

  Time at school/work

  Doing homework

  Doing chores

  Playing sports

  Hanging out with friends

  Being outdoors in natural environments

  Watching TV

  Texting, tweeting, emailing: sum of all electronic activities

  Playing video games

  Summarizing
these behaviors is the place for starting a conversation about time management and creating a balanced time orientation for best physical, mental and social success for them now as well as in their future. Give them an incentive for doing so, such as serving their favorite dinner, during which you can discuss the results. We expect both parents and kids will be surprised by what the data show: a huge number of hours devoted to gaming and Internet/video use. You can highlight any of this time spent with someone else in direct contact during the gaming or viewing to identify the extent of time in solitary confinement.

  What single straight chicks can do

  Complaining about why there aren’t any decent men isn’t going to solve anything. In the dating realm, don’t reward bad behavior, and don’t be his mother (unless you’re both into that sort of thing). Be honest with yourself and straightforward with him about your needs, expectations and boundaries, and ask the same of him. Any guy you want to have a relationship with will have thought about these things. Recognize situations that are uncomfortable for guys because of their lack of experience, such as dancing. Be willing to initiate and teach them how to enjoy such activities. When you see a movie together, take time afterward to discuss what each of you liked, disliked, noticed; which characters you would have recast; how you would alter the plot or the ending. Show guys that talking with women is interesting, fun and enlightening. Find out what he is most proud about, how he feels about his mom and dad and siblings. What is his ideal job? Tap into his regrets — what does he wish he could do over? Reinforce good behavior; don’t give mixed signals. Be honest about who you want to date and don’t settle for less.

  What guys can do

  Turn off your digital identity and turn on yourself. Learn how to dance, rediscover nature, make a female friend, monitor social interactions to be sure others are being listened to adequately and sufficiently, learn to tell jokes and practice conversation openers. Practice the art of making others feel special by giving justifiable compliments — one a day for the next week. Find people who possess traits you want to have and study their lives, find living role models or mentors, and find something in the real world that motivates you. The world wants you; in fact, the world needs you more than you know. Ask yourself what kind of man you are, then ask yourself what kind of man you want to become. Map out the steps to become that man:

  Turn off the porn. Clarify your relationship with porn so you can avoid its downsides. If you want to get aroused by being with people, porn can be a part of your fantasy life, just not the whole thing. If you find you are having trouble getting turned on by real people, you need to stop watching porn for at least a small period of time. There’s really no way around it. The good news is, your brain can heal.

  The website Your Brain On Porn states that turning off the porn will, in effect, “reboot” the brain — allowing your dopamine receptors to recover and restore your reward circuit’s sensitivity to normal, and “rewire” the brain — will weaken the porn pathways from disuse and will strengthen your executive control pathways. As your brain heals, you will become more easily aroused by real people and have more sensitivity in your penis. Your dopamine levels will most likely bounce back, too. Visit yourbrainonporn.com/tools-for-change for support and tools to help you make the change.

  Beyond porn, having sex on your mind all the time or as a big part of your identity is actually a good thing — a lot of very successful people have very high sex drives — but you need to learn how to rechannel your sex energy out of lust and into the heart and mind, where it can serve your higher values instead of just your primal instincts. When transforming sexual energy into thoughts and actions of another nature, you have to use willpower to visualize and mindfully direct that energy.

  One way to do this is to figure out what your arousal triggers are — for example, make a list of the traits you find sexually attractive in another person — and then seek goals that share those traits. Chances are the goals that will “turn you on” the most will share the same qualities that turn you on the most in someone you’re sexually attracted to (such as being creative, risk taking, etc.). An excellent resource for further reading on the topic is Napoleon Hill’s classic text Think and Grow Rich, as well as personal development author Steve Pavlina’s blog post titled “Sex Energy” (stevepavlina.com/blog/2007/04/sex-energy/).

  Do something else. Cut the amount of time you spend playing video games, especially if you’re doing it alone. People most vulnerable to addiction are usually socially or personally disadvantaged, so start playing games that involve interactions with others, preferably in person.

  Consider transferring some hours spent gaming into accomplishing real-life passions. Below is a chart comparing the average number of hours spent playing video games with the average time it takes to complete other activities.

  Play sports. Few activities teach mental toughness and collaboration like team sports. There are casual to very competitive sports teams — no matter what your level of competitiveness, there’s a group of guys out there who want you on their team or to join their league. For adults who want to join or start a group, see if there’s already one in your local area by looking up the sport on Google, Meetup (meetup.com) and Sportsvite (sportsvite.com), or join a gym or club where you can meet people who share your interests.

  If sports aren’t your thing, activities with rhythmic qualities, like singing, dancing or playing a musical instrument, are great alternatives. They also provide a powerful environment for social bonding.

  Discover your inner power. In her book The Artist’s Way, writer and filmmaker Julia Cameron recommends an exercise called the morning pages, an “apparently pointless” process of writing three pages of whatever comes to mind. When writing in the morning pages, there’s no wrong way — the only requirement is that you do it every day, and do your best not to censor yourself. The morning pages will help you be less judgmental of yourself. It doesn’t matter if you don’t feel like writing or don’t have anything to say, after a while you will come in contact with an unexpected inner power: your true self. You will become more honest with yourself, discovering not only who you are but also who you want to become. And with this knowledge you become motivated to go from where you are to where you want to be. It doesn’t sound logical, but it works. And it’s not just for creative types. Everyone benefits from doing the morning pages, including lawyers, politicians and entrepreneurs. If you don’t “do” journals, try Penzu (penzu.com), a site that lets you store your thoughts online.118

  Make friends with some females. Become friends with a girl and make it clear that you just want to be friends — nothing more, nothing less. A lot of women never totally relax in their friendships with men because there is always the worry that someone will develop more feelings for the other and then it will become awkward, dealing a potentially fatal blow to the friendship. But if you put those fears to rest right from the get-go, it’s much easier to really get to know someone and establish trust. You can even talk about how you’ll handle the situation if someone does develop a romantic interest. You can say, “It might sound silly, but our friendship means a lot to me and I want to make sure we stay friends. If one of us develops romantic feelings for the other, let’s talk about it right away to clear the air.” By doing this, you set the standard for honest, open communication. And it’s much less awkward to say that at the beginning of a relationship than risk losing a friend later down the road due to miscommunication. Find women with whom you have one or two activities or interests in common. If you don’t know where to find these women, try using online clubs and forums or Meetup groups.

  Get a mentor, be a mentor. Those who have never had a mentor often underestimate the value of having one. Places where men and boys can gather together are more necessary than ever before. Older guys should become mentors to younger guys in their family, school or workplace. As mentioned earlier, dads have got to do it. Make mentoring part of who you are. Below are recommended organizations th
at support this kind of environment:

  National Mentoring Partnership, mentoring.org.

  Boys to Men Mentoring Network, boystomen.org.

  Mankind Project, mankindproject.org.

  Boy Scouts of America, scouting.org.

  What porn producers and distributors can do

  If you run an online porn website, especially a free one, add an Education category to the 50-plus categories that already exist, streaming videos that teach men how to be more skilled lovers. Or at least involve more dialogue between actors.

  Another idea is ads: The average porn video is almost 20 minutes long. If you ran a 15-second ad on safer sex practices before every video, it would take up only about 1.25 percent of the entire video’s length. If users want to skip ads, they would have to pay you a fee. At the very least, clearly post resources that users can easily refer to if they suffer from porn addiction — much the same way casinos offer resources for people who have gambling addictions.

  What video game producers can do

  Bridge the gap between imagination and realization so that while users can enjoy playing your games, their time counts for something beyond themselves. You have the tools and ability to apply the game mindset to real-world problems and create generations of true-life heroes.

  In Reality Is Broken: Why Games Make Us Better and How They Can Change the World, Jane McGonigal discusses the power of crowdsourcing, making the observation that successful crowdsourcing projects are structured like a good multiplayer game. One example she uses is the parliamentary expenses scandal of 2009. Essentially, many members of British Parliament, or MPs, had been filing illegal expense claims that added up to millions of pounds sterling, including frivolous charges like £32,000 (more than $50,000 at today’s rates) for personal gardening expenses and £1,645 (nearly $2,600) for a “floating duck island.”