The Willingness to Burn

by J. P. London

  “I know. I’m not saying you should confront him. Just be careful. And don’t drink too much around him.”

  “Oh, my God! You think I have to worry about that?”

  “How long have you been friends?”

  “For like ten years.”

  “That means he’s wanted you for ten years. All that time building.”

  “You think so?” Now I was super worried about it. What am I going to do? Has this creep been stalking me for all this time?

  “I don’t know, I don’t know him. What do you think?”

  “Well, this one time I do remember I was really drunk and we were dancing and he kept grabbing my ass.”

  “Wow, really?”

  “Yeah, but I didn’t think anything of it because he was drunk too.”

  ”Hey, the truth comes out when your drunk.”

  “God, you’re right.”

  I sat there and thought for a moment. I must have looked concerned because he started talking in a soothing voice. “Hey, look, you don’t have to confront him. All I’m saying is be careful.”

  “I know.”

  “The important thing is, that now you know and you can handle it just like any other guy that you’re not interested in and it won’t be a big deal.”

  “You’re right.” I smiled. With that, I felt way more relaxed. I didn’t know if it was then that I knew for sure, or if it was the wine, but whatever, I felt better. I leaned in and kissed him. He put his hand behind my head and held my face. God, I love when guys do that.

  I pulled away from him. “Hey, do you want to watch this in my room instead?”

  He grinned with his devilish good looks, I could tell he knew exactly what I was suggesting. “Sure.”

  I patted my hands on his chest then stood up. He got up too. I walked over to the DVD player and could sense him standing right behind me. I bent over at the waist and leaned back a half step letting my butt press into his hips. I was told it was one of my best features, so I liked to show it off. As I went to reach for the DVD, he grabbed my hair and pulled me back up by the back of my head. I could feel the sexual energy pulse through my body. He kissed my neck, and a warm tickle went up my spine.

  He bit down hard on my neck, and I let out a deep moan. I turned quickly and attacked him. Pressing my lips hard against his and kissing him with absolute uninterrupted passion. He picked me up and spun me. My back hit against the wall hard, and I could hear one of my Bed Bath and Beyond paintings fall to the ground, but I didn’t care. He pulled my shirt over my head. I wasn’t wearing a bra. It’s always been my experience that when you invite a guy over for sex, it’s simply an unnecessary encumbrance.

  “In the bedroom,” I whispered. I took a few steps before he grabbed my shorts and quickly pulled them down to my ankles. I took two or three short awkward steps shimmying within the shorts before he grabbed me again. Then, I stood in the hallway at the center of the compass between the living room, kitchen, bathroom, and bedroom. Naked aside from the thong that hung onto my hips, he stepped on my shorts and picked me up again. My naked legs swung around his waist and gripped him hard. A few airborne steps later, I was thrown on the bed.

  He grabbed me by my shoulders and pinned me. He pressed me down to the bed. I scrambled with my hands and unbuckled his belt while his tongue wrestled mine. I took care of the belt and unbuttoned his pants before returning my hands to his head and pushing his pants off with my feet.

  He stopped and raised his head up. I looked up at him, my head was flat just south of my pillows, and he was looming over me. He grabbed my right breast and squeezed it tenderly before kissing my nipples. Then he continued to go lower. He kissed my hip briefly and paused.

  “Now that is perfect,” he said.

  I was glad it was kind of dark. First and foremost because I had a little bit of razor burn and even though I was sure it was just razor burn, it was never a good first impression. The only light shining in was from the hallway, and I was totally blushing.

  “Why, thank you,” I said. And as though in direct response to my comment, he began to tease me. Slow and sensual at first. God, I could feel the freak rising up in me. But I kept it in check. It was our opening act, after all. Nothing crazy just yet. He has to work for that or he might think differently of me.

  And then we had sex for the first time. It was so amazing. He was skilled and knowledgeable but not too much so where I felt like I had to worry about him. He was strong and in control but also sensitive to my needs. At one point he tried to pull me into the cowgirl position, that was the only hiccup. I don’t like being on top. It’s way too much work. I come better off the bottom anyway. Being on top is just like going to the gym. I get all sweaty and eww.

  I grinded on him for a minute before I stopped and said, “I want you on top”. He paused for a second, and although I couldn’t make out his face over his dark silhouette, I felt like he was giving me a weird look.

  Then after a moment of silence, he said, “Okay” and spun me back to the bed with a flawless Olympic quality judo move. All of a sudden I really understood why girls my age always dated older guys. What had I been missing this whole time? He was a perfect gentlemen. And he was all mine.

  Chapter 31

  The next morning, Jace awoke at his normal time and got up to make coffee. As he stood pouring ground up bits into the French press he considered for just a moment if he should add enough for another cup. Then he quickly dismissed the idea as it seemed both inadvisable and somewhat insensitive. After quickly downing his cup of good morning, he went back into the room to wake up Maddy.

  “Hey, babe. Time to wake up.”

  “No, not today.”

  “No, we have to today,” Jace said, climbing into bed next to her.

  “No.”

  “Hey, c’mon. We have to go see the doctor.”

  Maddy turned to him, her eyes just barely level from the sedatives and already ravaged by tears. “Why? What’s the point? Just let me go.”

  Jace leaned back a moment in awe, then came back with a soothing voice. “Hey. C’mon now. I know this is rough, but we’re gonna get through this.”

  “You have no idea!” she screamed. Her voice cracking at its peaks. “You didn’t have him growing inside of you, this life inside of you that you let die!”

  “You didn’t let anything die.” Her head fell flat on the pillow again. “You have a disease. And we need to get it taken care of.”

  Maddy rolled over giving her back to Jace.

  “Babe, listen. This isn’t the end for you, this is just the beginning. We can make it through this.”

  “I don’t want to. How could we let this happen to our son?”

  Jace bit his bottom lip. There was no right answer to that.

  “Just let me be. I don’t want any more doctors, anymore anything. I just want to lay here and die.”

  Her words were hurtful and set him back. He paused for a moment and let them sink in. Then he leaned forward again and turned her to face him.

  “Please, do it for me. I know I don’t understand what you’ve went through, but I’ve been through a lot too. This week has been really awful on all accounts. And I really need you here with me.”

  She blinked, tears streaming from her face.

  “I need you to come with me to the doctor. See what our options are, then we can have this conversation again. But right now, I need this. I need to be selfish and take you.”

  Maddy closed her eyes and nuzzled her face into the pillow intent on going back to sleep.

  “Maddy, please, I’m begging you.”

  In all their relationship, in all its good times and bad, he had never said those words before. It was then that she realized that they were in it together, and that he was suffering; maybe not as much as she was, but that they were still in the same boat.

  She wiped the tears from her eyes and nodded silently.

  “Just give me a minute,” she said with her face buried in a pillow.
r />   “Okay. I’m going to go and make breakfast.”

  *

  Maddy sat through the bloodwork and the tests like a zombie. She did as she was commanded to, but her heart was elsewhere. It was broken into many pieces and would not join her for the day’s morbid exercises. After they were done scanning, sticking, and ultrasounding her, they met again in Raymond’s office. The doctor sitting across his large wooden desk and the formerly-anxious couple who now only appeared to be drained and depressed.

  Raymond looked through the files and didn’t speak. As minutes ticked off the clock, the dread in the air seemed to be getting thicker. Time slowed to a crawl and Jace had finally had enough.

  “Christ, Ray. What’s going on?”

  Raymond was deep in thought and appeared startled. “I’m sorry, I’m just trying to think of all the options.”

  “Why don’t you just talk to us and we can figure them out together?”

  Maddy remained silent.

  “The cancer has metastasized.”

  “What?” Jace said, leaning forward. Maddy didn’t move at all. She just stared out. Motionless, emotionless.

  “I’m afraid, it’s spread … significantly.”

  “To where?”

  The doctor paused; the words that were about to come out seemed to pain him and he didn’t want to speak them.

  “Everywhere.”

  Jace’s mouth fell to the floor. He sat there breathing through his mouth. Maddy was still unfazed.

  “There must be a mistake,” Jace reasoned.

  “I’m sorry, Jace. There’s not.”

  “So, what do we do now?”

  “We can try chemo. But it’s a long shot, and surgery is pretty useless now.”

  “How long of a shot?” Jace questioned.

  “The survival rate … It’s not good.”

  “Just fucking tell me, Ray,” Jace said, growing angry.

  “It’s around two percent.”

  Jace’s body leaned back in the seat and his head bobbled on top of his shoulders as his entire life fell through straight to the floor. He took a deep breath. Jace looked over at Maddy. She hadn’t budged, nothing, not even a single acknowledgement that she had just been handed a death sentence. Not a single acknowledgement that she had even been there.. It was then that he realized that she had given up. The baby was all that mattered to her, and her losing it was her losing a part of herself. She didn’t want to go on anymore. He could see it in her eyes, the muted glazed over bright blues were a faint shadow of the fiery woman he had known all those years.

  “How is that even possible?”

  “We waited to treat it. We didn’t catch it that early, it was just early enough. But that was months ago. And due to whatever reason, it has spread since then.”

  Jace looked over at Maddy again. The folly of all of his “alternative” treatments looked back at him. Then he turned his gaze back to the doctor. “I need to speak to you outside.”

  Raymond looked at Maddy, who seemed to be unresponsive, then nodded at Jace.

  The two men stood up and walked just outside of the office. “Listen, Jace.”

  Jace put his finger up to his mouth in the universal sign for shhh then stepped to the left and opened a door. He looked in a saw an empty exam room and pulled Raymond in.

  “Jace, calm down,” Raymond said, appearing to be distressed.

  “Don’t fucking tell me to calm down, Ray. Now listen, I know that there’s something that we can do here. I refuse, I fucking refuse, to believe that we’re just helpless here. So tell me what it is and what it costs and let’s get it done already.”

  “Jace, I’m sorry, as your doctor …”

  “Fuck my doctor! Talk to me like a fucking friend.”

  “Jace. I’m sorry,” Raymond said, putting his hand on Jace’s shoulder. “Now you have to consider what you are going to do with the time she has left.”

  “Fuck you, Ray!” Jace shoved him against the wall. “I am not giving up. This is not the end. We are going to find a way to help her.”

  Raymond raised his hands up attempting to calm Jace down. “Jace, nothing short of the hand of God himself would make this any easier.”

  “God? Fuck God!” Jace shoved Raymond against the wall once more then let him go and stepped back. “And fuck you if you won’t help me!”

  “Jace—”

  “I would make a deal with the devil. I would sell my soul and everything. Everything I have to bring her back from this.” Jace grabbed the doctor by his uniformed white coat and pressed him against the wall. “Do you understand? That your life, mine, none of them mean anything to me without her. I will scorch the fucking earth before I let anything take her from me!”

  “Okay,” Raymond conceded. Jace released him of his grip. “I have a friend from medical school. He’s … been experimenting with some stuff that might help you.”

  “Why the fuck didn’t you say that before?”

  “Because. It’s not what you think. His methods, his experiments …” Raymond trailed off and Jace hung on each and every word. “There is no medical solution to this. There’s no treatment. If you go down this path I can’t help you.”

  “You can’t fucking help me now,” Jace said, turning away from the doctor.

  Raymond nodded admittedly. “Let me reach out to him.”

  “Fine. I’ll wait to hear from you.”

  Jace stormed out of the room and the doctor took a deep breath and let it out. He pressed his fingers to his own neck and counted his pulse.

  Chapter 32

  Anna

  The next day, he woke me up when he was leaving. It was like super early in the morning sometime around five or six. All I know is that the sun wasn’t even up yet.

  “Mmm,” I mumbled.

  And I think he said, “I have to leave I’ll call you later.”

  At least that’s what I think he said, otherwise I may have just dreamed it. But when I woke up a few hours later around 8:45, he was gone. I couldn’t imagine how someone could work with numbers all day without having a good night sleep. If I get less than seven hours you better believe I’m a bitch on wheels and anyone who wants to ask me questions is going to regret it. But that day wouldn’t have been so bad. I didn’t realize it, but we were actually in bed pretty early. I guess a dinner and movie night ends up being a good weekday date especially if you only watch the opening credits of the movie.

  Work was boring as it normally was. But Erika wasn’t there which was an absolute blessing, I think she got sick or something. She didn’t call the main office to call out, so I didn’t answer which I think was because she didn’t want me to know or didn’t want me to be the one to tell her boss. But either way, she wasn’t in and that instantly made the day a much better day.

  I got a few texts from Brian during the day but chose not to answer them. I really wasn’t that busy but there was no reason for him to know that. He was really nice, and I really liked being friends with him but sometimes he could be annoying and a little needy especially when he was dating someone new. He was super insecure and always asking, “What do I say? What do I do?” It was like he was constantly seeking either my advice or my approval and like seriously you have to be your own man, girls have to like you for you not because I’m whispering in your ear all the time. That’s probably why none of his relationships ever seem to work out.

  I hadn’t responded to his texts all day so I felt obligated to call him when I got out of work.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey, what’s up?”

  “Hey there. How are you?

  “I’m good, just getting out of work. Whatcha up to?”

  “Oh, you know, same old stuff.”

  “Are you at work?”

  “Nah, just heading home myself”

  “Look at that: perfect timing.”

  “Yup, we’re good like that,” Brian said, making reference to “us”

  “So, what’s new with you? How are things wi
th Brittany?”

  “I don’t know. She’s kind of weird.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well, she keeps coming out with me, but every time I try to make a move on her she seems to clam up.”

  “Hmm, that is weird.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “Maybe it means you’re not doing enough.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I don’t know, like maybe not impressing her enough.”

  “You think so?”

  “Maybe. What did you guys do?”

  “We went out and got drinks.”

  “Where at?”

  “Champs.”

  “Ugh. That’s why.”

  “Wait, what’s why?”

  “No girl wants to be romanced at Champs.”

  “Why not?”

  “It’s a sports bar.”

  “So….”

  “So, that’s not going to impress her.”

  “Wait, I thought the idea was that she was going to like me.”

  “Yeah, but you need to impress her all the same. Take her someplace nice. Someplace that you need to wear a jacket to.”

  “Yeah, but that’s not really me, you know?”

  “It doesn’t matter, it’s just a nice evening. And besides, girls like good food.”

  “I’m sure.”

  “So, there ya go.”

  “Yeah, but I don’t know how much money I really wanna spend going out to dinner.”

  “Look, it’s a good investment. That’s what Jace did for our first and second date.”

  “And you think that’s the reason why you like him?”

  “Well, it didn’t hurt.” I laughed.

  “So, how did things go with Mr. Finance?”

  “Good, he’s really good company.”

  “Oh, yeah?”

  “Yeah, he just seems to know so much about the world.”

  “He didn’t fall asleep after Jeopardy on you?”

  “Hey.” My voice firmed up. “He’s really nice and treats me nice, lay off.”

  “Okay, okay. I was just kidding.”

  “I know.”

  “It’s just weird to me that your dating someone older after all of your rants against that.”