The Willingness to Burn

by J. P. London

  “They’re not rants, that’s just the way I felt at the time.”

  “And now …”

  “And now I feel different. God, why are you all in my business?”

  “Woah. Sorry.”

  “I suppose you think I should date a guy my own age.”

  “Hey, I just mentioned it because you always talked about not wanting to date older guys.”

  “Well, now I am.”

  “I can see that.”

  “So obviously my opinion has changed.”

  “I understand that.”

  I couldn’t even think of something nice to say after that. He had gotten me so mad.

  “So … How was your date?”

  “Are you gonna give me more shit?”

  “No, I’m just honestly curious.”

  “It was good,” I said, still holding things close to my chest.

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah.” I wanted to be nice to him, but I just couldn’t; something about the way he was talking made everything Jace said to me seem that much more accurate. He was chipping away at Jace on things that he knew he had on him. And the only thing that he had on him was his age. Sure, I said I’d never date someone older than me, but what does that matter now? Doesn’t a girl have the right to change her mind? Just because I said it once or twice doesn’t give him the right to throw it back in my face. God, I need a way out of this conversation.

  “Hey, I got another call, can I call you back?”

  “Sure.”

  “Okay, talk to you soon.”

  I hung up the phone before he could respond. That son-of-a-bitch. He needs to get over things. Sure, I like him, sure, we’re friends. But that doesn’t give him the right to give me shit over who I choose to date. I’m not going to date him. Maybe Jace was right; maybe I need to make that clear to him so that he stops with his shit. And if that means that we can’t be friends anymore, well then I guess we were never really friends to begin with.

  Chapter 33

  That bad huh?” Evan asked as he approached Jace at the quiet bar located next door to his building.

  Jace sat a disheveled mess. It looked like he hadn’t slept in weeks. His eyes were bloodshot, and for someone wearing a custom Gilberto suit, he looked like he could have been homeless.

  “Hey,” Jace said, the defeat evident in his tone.

  “How bad is she?”

  “Really fucking bad.”

  “I’m sorry, man.”

  “Yeah, sometimes I just feel like I can’t even face her. It’s just so fucking hard.”

  “You been home yet?”

  Jace shook his head.

  “I just wonder what would have happened if I put my foot down and demanded that she do the treatment and we tried for a kid later.”

  “She would have hated you.”

  “Yeah, but she might be okay now.”

  “But you still wouldn’t be.”

  “Well, it couldn’t be any fucking worse than it is now,” Jace said, lowering his head into his drink and taking a sip.

  The bartender approached and Evan raised two fingers then pointed at Jace’s drink.

  Evan took a seat next to him and threw an arm over Jace’s shoulder.

  “I’m really sorry, man.”

  Jace grabbed Evan and hugged him tightly. He coughed to cover up the sound of his tears and sobbed into his shoulder for a brief moment. Jace pulled away and rubbed his nose, sniffling.

  “I just don’t know what to do,” Jace said weakly though his choked up breath.

  “You’re doing everything you can, I know that, and so does she.”

  “But it’s not enough.”

  “Jace, this might be something that you have to accept.”

  “Fuck that,” Jace responded quickly. He sat up and rubbed his nose.

  Evan, recognizing that accepting it was not in his capacity, nodded somberly.

  “Is she still refusing the treatment?”

  “Yeah.” Jace sighed and took another sip, finishing his drink. “I can’t say that I blame her. The doctor basically told us that it would only buy her another few months, and what kind of life is that for few months.”

  “Jace, I know you don’t want to hear this, but the best thing you can do right now is just make sure she comfortable. God has a plan for all of us.”

  “Fuck him. I had plans too,” Jace said spitefully.

  “I know.”

  “All we can do now is alternative treatments, but look how that worked for us before.”

  Evan nodded somberly. “We’re here for you, man, whatever you need. We are here for you.”

  Jace nodded, and a tear fell from his face into the empty glass in front of him.

  “Everything happens for a reason, everything. No matter how fucked up it is,” Evan continued.

  “The reason for this … Is that God is a cruel son-of-a-bitch, and our pain is his amusement.”

  “Don’t say that.”

  Jace glared at Evan. “There’s nothing else to say.”

  Evan nodded and rubbed Jace’s shoulder “You’ll get through this. I know you will.” Evan knew Jace and knew that talking at that point was useless. So he did all that he could—he sat beside him, and the two men sat in silence. It was all he could do to help Jace shoulder the burden. The helplessness he felt as he watched his heart wither in its all too soon twilight hours.

  Chapter 34

  Anna

  A day or two later, I had just finished a yoga class. Everyone was spraying down their yoga mats and getting ready to leave. I smiled warmly at everyone. It was almost a religious experience to share with people. Maybe that was why Jace and I were so close so fast. We shared in the yoga experience a few times before we started talking. Hmm, I wonder if that’s it. It’s kind of weird, I haven’t seen him at a class ever since then, though. Oh, well. Maybe he’s busy.

  After everyone left, I checked my phone I had a few new messages. Two from Brian, which I opted to promptly ignore, and one from Jace.

  “Hey, what are you up to tonight?” the message read.

  “Oh, nothing just finished a class. What are you up to?” I wrote back, smiling into my phone.

  “Well, it’s Friday, and I don’t have to be up for anything tomorrow morning.”

  “Oh, really?”

  “Yeah. Think I can steal you away for a bit?”

  “Definitely. What did you have in mind?”

  “What are you, a size 0?”

  “How did you know that?”

  Okay so if I’m being honest, a 0 is kind of tight, but depending on the cut I can squeeze my ass in a 0. My waist and body fit perfectly, but sometimes I need to err on the side of caution when it comes to my hips.

  “I have my ways”

  “Mhm. So why do you need to know my dress size?”

  “Can you be ready in two hours?”

  I checked the time. Okay, I’m about twenty minutes from home right now. I need to shower and shave my legs so figure another hour or so for that. Then do my makeup and pick out something to wear. So, yeah, I should be okay, or at least close enough to two hours.

  “Yeah, why, what are we doing?” I quickly started to pack my stuff up to leave. I hated being pressed for time and I didn’t want to forget anything. This one time I actually left my house without a bra on. So embarrassing, and it was not the kind of occasion that you want your nipples poking through your shirt.

  “It’s a surprise.”

  “Okay, Mr. Surprise. What do I wear?”

  “Heels.”

  “What else?”

  “Lingerie?”

  “You’re killing me.”

  “I know. Be ready in two hours. I’m having a car pick you up.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah I’m in the city now. See you in a bit.”

  “Okay!”

  That’s what I loved about Jace. He was so mysterious and so exciting. There was no “Let’s go to Champs, get drunk, and fuck.” It a
lways seems to be something that’s going to take me out of the norm. Take me someplace that I wouldn’t normally be going. That’s what Brian didn’t understand. He didn’t get the way girls wanted to be treated. Surprised, pampered, and pleased. Is that really so much to ask for?

  *

  Almost two hours later, I was just getting finished doing my makeup. I wore a black cocktail dress. I could shimmy it down so that it looked more formal, and I could fold it up so it looked more party girlish, although I was sure that wouldn’t be necessary, knowing Jace. I hated not knowing where we were going. Although, Jace asking my size would lead me to believe that I was not going to be responsible for my own attire, I still liked to be prepared, and after all, I couldn’t walk out of the door naked. I decided to straighten my hair. It would be the first time he saw me with straight hair, and I decided that I really wanted to knock him out. If he was going to send me a dress and take me someplace nice, he was going to feel really good about doing it.

  At exactly 8 PM, or two hours later from the first text, I got another one from Jace. It read “Ding dong.”

  I looked outside the window, and though I had to stretch to see the street, I could make out the black top and shape of what I thought was a Lincoln. I couldn’t see if it was a full limo or one of those small ones from the curvature in the roofline blocking my view, but I was imagining a full one otherwise the guy getting me a dress and requesting lingerie wanted me to give his driver quite the show.

  I grabbed my bag and took one last look in the mirror. I smiled wide and awkwardly to make sure I didn’t have anything in my teeth and headed out.

  When I got to the car, there was a uniformed man standing outside. He opened the door for me, and I got in. It was a full-sized limo with the blackout window separating the driver from the back seat. Laying on the seat was a beautiful black and maroon dress with a post it note “Put me on.” And I did.

  *

  I don’t remember much of the ride. I had driven to the city a few times myself, and it was never a fun trip. Nothing but traffic and lights. In fact, once you got into New York City, your GPS stopped working too. So if you don’t know where you were going, you were shit out of luck. But that trip felt much different. I guess it was the difference between fighting with traffic yourself and letting other people do it. I could totally see why rich people spent the money on that. The only thing better would be a helicopter but the wind would totally mess up my hair.

  What I really remember was when we arrived. The door opened, and I stepped out, My leg exposed through the slit in my new dress and my new Gucci heels touched the ground. I stepped out and the dress swung down to cover me the way it was intended. I looked about for a moment. When I saw him, Jace was standing there, a devilish grin, which I had come to associate with him, was sprayed across his face. He was wearing a dark suit with a light shirt and power tie. He was the very definition of a classy dresser if I’d ever seen one.

  “So glad you could make it,” Jace said as I approached him.

  “Well, how could I say no to such an invitation?”

  “You couldn’t, that was the point.” He grinned and kissed me.

  “Shall we?” he said, extending his arm.

  “Sure. What are we doing?”

  “We are going to a show, then dinner afterward.”

  I looked at him, my eyes became lost in his. It felt like he understood what I was trying to explain to Brian. What I’d been trying to explain to guys my entire life, but I didn’t need to say it to him. He just knew, it was part of who he was, part of how he was programmed. He treated a woman the way she deserved to be treated. And he was all mine.

  Chapter 35

  Jace had become a ghost in his own office as the weeks passed. For someone who used to live and breathe the life of a hedge fund owner, he was simply becoming a distant memory in his office. On that particular day, he happened to be in the office. He wasn’t working, though. That is where he came to be alone for a few moments, and more often than not, where he came to drink.

  Jace didn’t wear a suit to the office anymore. He wore slacks and dress shirt. His Cartier watch was tossed on the table and sitting next to it was a half-filled glass of scotch, with a depressed man looming over it.

  Jace looked down into the glass and saw the ice cube as it slowly faded away from existence. The ice cube is a metaphor for all of our lives. Its large, bright, and amazing, and then once it hits the outside world it’s just a matter of time before the shit gets to it. Then it grows weak, grows smaller, its essence bleeds out into everything else around it before its finally broken., and when it dies, it nothing but a pale shadow of the being it once was. Jace picked up the cup, swirled the ice and then downed the scotch.

  “Mr. Clark, your 12:30 is here.”

  Jace stood up and staggered to his desk. He pressed the call button. “I don’t have a 12:30, Susie.”

  “He’s in your book, Sir.”

  “Have Dex take it.”

  “The client is insisting to talk to you. He says you’d be very interested in his company.”

  Jace pressed his finger on the button. “I can assure you, I’m not at all interested in his company.”

  Jace plopped down in his desk and rested his head in his hands.

  “Mr. Clark, he is quite insistent.”

  “Jesus fucking Christ,” Jace said to himself. He took a deep breath and let out a loud sigh. “Send him in.”

  “To the conference room?”

  “No, into my office. And tell him not to expect much.”

  Jace rounded the desk and made his way back over to the bar where he fixed himself another scotch with one ice cube. Then the door opened. A small man with dark skin and dark brown eyes stood in the door way. His nationality was difficult to place. Perhaps from South America somewhere.

  “Hello, Mr. Clark. It’s a pleasure to meet you.” The man walked up to him with his hand outstretched. Jace didn’t seem to pay attention.

  “All right. What’s your poison?”

  “I don’t really drink much,” the man said sheepishly.

  “Well, I don’t drink alone, and since somehow you are in my book, you’re drinking with me.”

  Jace poured another glass of scotch and set it down on the coffee table opposite of where he was sitting. He motioned for the other man to sit down.

  “Cheers,” he said and raised his glass. The man nervously grabbed his glass and raised it to meet Jace’s.

  “So what’s your name.”

  “I am Ethan Angelos.”

  “Ethan… Not the name I was expecting.”.

  “I get that a lot,” Ethan said with not a hint of an accent.

  “So, Ethan. I’m in a pretty pissed off mood. And you seem like a nice enough guy, so why don’t you sit down with Dex some other time and he can give you the attention you deserve.”

  “I’d rather speak with you.”

  “Suit yourself.”

  The two men sat in silence for a moment. Jace took a sip of his drink.

  “Well, go ahead,” Jace said motioning with his arms.

  “Okay, Mr. Clark, my company is on the cutting edge of two of the most important fields of medicine.”

  Jace perked up a moment.

  “Go on.”

  “We are experimenting with two of the largest sectors in the field.”

  “Which are…”

  “Anti-aging and transplants.”

  Jace frowned and took a sip of his drink.

  “So you want me to invest in skin cream?” Jace asked with a strong tone.

  “On the contrary. That is where anti-aging has gone wrong all of this time. You need to take a biological approach. The most effective measures we have seen involve introducing young oxygenated blood into an existing system.”

  Jace looked down at his drink, bored. Ethan must have seen that, because he quickly changed his tempo.

  “I mean that’s just the most practical commercial application.”

&nbs
p; “How in God’s name is that practical?” Jace looked up staring daggers into Ethan.

  “Young blood introduced into an older man on a regular basis will cause a surge of biological regenerative reactions.”

  “Let me stop you right there,” Jace said, placing his glass on the table. “Where the hell are you getting this new blood as you put it? This young blood.”

  “That’s the exciting part. The simplest and most economical way is to get it from young children.”

  “Okay, get out,” Jace said, raising his hand and pointing toward the door.

  “Wait,” Ethan said throwing his hands up.

  “No, I’ve heard enough. Get the fuck out of my office before I call the cops.”

  “Mr. Clark!”

  “Get the fuck out!”

  Jace stood up and extended his hand, forcing Ethan to stand up as well. Jace placed his hand behind his back and began pushing him out of the office.

  “There were some developments when transferring the blood.”

  “That’s great,” Jace said, shoving the man. They reached the door and Jace grasped the handle

  “They could save your wife.”

  “What?” Jace paused, his one hand placed behind Ethan’s neck, Jace turned to face him and released his grip of the door.

  “What did you just say?”

  Jace leaned in toward Ethan and stared him down like a drunken gorilla.

  “The developments will help to save you wife.”

  “You have exactly two seconds to explain that before I break your fucking jaw.”

  “We have managed to create virally altered stem cells. It was an accident, really, but some of my people have been referring to it as a miracle. Those cells change everything there is to be known about transplants. The meds, the rejection, it can all be a thing of the past”.

  Jace smirked, then shoved the doctor by the shoulders. “A transplant won’t help my wife. Next time you try to play an emotion card make sure it fucking fits.”

  “Not just an organ,” Ethan said bracing his back against Jace’s hand. “Your wife needs more than that. Since the spreading of her cancer is so severe, no traditional transplant would help her anymore. You need to do something more extreme. More out of the box.”