Reborn as a Vending Machine, I Now Wander the Dungeon, Vol. 1

by Hirukuma,

  “Shoot. Getting to eat something warm without having to start a fire? Count me in.”

  “And we don’t have to clean up, either, which is great.”

  “I want one of these for our team, too.”

  A vending machine’s capabilities seem quite convenient for the hunters, and a lot of people are glancing enviously this way. Captain Stubble was enough of a nuisance—do I have to start being cautious around the other hunters now, too?

  Lammis seems happy I’m so popular. She’s smiling even wider than usual. I…can’t imagine she realizes the intent behind those stares, though.

  “Sorry, could someone help me patch this guy up?”

  “Oh, I’ll do it! Boxxo, you’ll be alone for a few minutes. But don’t cry if you get lonely, okay?”

  “Please come again.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean? I’ll be right back!”

  She was teasing with her question, so I quickly returned the favor. She puffs out a cheek and pretends to be a little sulky, then runs off.

  If I were a human, it might look like we’re a couple. But I’m an inanimate object, so…

  “Oh, the softy is gone. Now’s my chance.”

  A short, gangly man with marked buckteeth glances around and walks over. I know it’s a terrible offense to judge a book by its cover, but allow me this—he’s a sketchy dude.

  He looks somehow like a stereotypical grunt, like basic cannon fodder. I instinctively want to call him a low-life thug. He’s whistling as he approaches, but his eyes are inspecting me up and down.

  I follow his gaze—he seems to be looking at the coin slot.

  “Let’s see. What to buy?” says the grunt-looking hunter in a purposely loud voice as he tries to stick a thin wirelike object into the coin slot.

  Oh, so he wants to steal the money. I’ll have to respond in kind.

  “Welcome,” I say at maximum volume.

  “Hweh?!”

  Oh, he becomes so scared he jumps. Thanks to my volume and his cry of surprise, several people are watching us. What will you do now?

  “H-huh, it really can talk, eh? Pretty cool.”

  He’s pretending to be impressed, but his smile is a shaky one.

  If he buys something and leaves, I’ll leave him alone, but he doesn’t look that honest.

  “Bastard. If you know what I’m saying, then just give up the money…unless you want someone to break you.”

  So it’s come to whispered threats. Oh, he’s jabbing me with his toes. Interesting. He’s underestimating me because, as a vending machine, I have no arms or legs.

  Why don’t I show him the true strength of a vending machine that can defend itself?

  I drop a bottle of mineral water into my compartment and see joy light up the man’s face. Then, as he reaches in and fishes around for it…I drop another item in.

  “Another sound— Ack, that’s hot, hot, hot! Hot— Gyahhhhh!”

  Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha. How do you like my burning-hot corn soup, heated to the maximum temperature? Why don’t I add some fuel to the fire?

  “Get one free with a winner.”

  After dropping several more cans of corn soup in, the man’s hand gets stuck inside. I will not allow you to harm my body and steal my money. I’ll let you suffer for a while.

  “Damn, damn you, shitty box! I’ll smash you to pieces!”

  The man pulls a short sword from his waist and swings wildly. I could repel it with my Force Field, but I won’t take much damage if it hits me. I’ll take the hit on purpose to let everyone know how foolish this act is.

  After making my decision, I stare at the blade’s tip as it approaches, but right before it touches me, it stops right in its tracks.

  “What are you trying to do to Boxxo…?”

  Was that low, intimidating voice Lammis’s? She must have run over after hearing the noise. I didn’t know she could sound like that.

  Feeling something grab at his wrist, the man turns around and freezes. That’s how fearsome Lammis’s expression is. Her ordinarily cute face now bears wide, scornful eyes, reflecting the frightening extent of her wrath.

  “N-nothing! I was trying to get the item, and then it dropped so many on my arm that I can’t get it out!”

  “But you did something weird to him first, didn’t you?”

  Once again, Lammis shows how sharp and quick-witted she is. I think I’m in love.

  “No! This thing just started acting up on me!”

  “Boxxo, did he really not do anything strange?”

  “Too bad.”

  “See? Boxxo says you’re lying.”

  “What? You’re gonna believe a metal box over me—?”

  “Of course I am,” interrupts Lammis immediately. She has such incredible faith in me. I almost want to give her a hug. If only I had arms.

  What I do have is one more canned present for the liar. It’s cool in temperature, but its weight will crush his hand.

  “Ow, owwww, that hurts! Stupid box! Stop it!”

  “Come to think of it, are you the one the captain told me to be wary of? Are you Gugoyle?”

  “What? N-no, I’m not.”

  Wow, he’s clearly suspicious. And a terrible actor to boot. He’s blatantly looking away, and there’s a bead of sweat dripping from his temple. He’s basically saying yes.

  “Lammis, that’d be Gugoyle. Famous for his sticky fingers,” says an older man with a scraggly beard, sticking his head out of the cart. Oh, he’s the one who explained to his subordinates how to use the vending machine. I’ll mentally jot him down on my “good person” list.

  “Hmmmmm. I don’t need to go easy on him, then, right?”

  Lammis cracks her fingers, and despite looking down on the man with a smile, she looks somewhat terrifying.

  The rest of the hunters end up tying up the man with straw rope and throwing him into the cart with the wounded. Things go smoothly, because apparently he has a criminal record of stealing money from hunters, and everyone neatly sided with Lammis.

  Time passes idly after that. The ones who headed for the base are probably fighting right now. I don’t know how strong a king frog fiend is, but that also doesn’t give me any reason to worry. If I could talk, I could be seeking out information right now, but I can only listen, so I don’t have anything else to do.

  “There were more of them than we thought, but we’ll get extra rewards for it.”

  “I can’t wait to get back to the settlement and have a drink.”

  The group waiting here is certain of our victory. Everyone is relaxing. In the cart are nine injured, and six are guarding them. Battles are unpredictable by nature, so it seems to me they’re not being cautious enough. Still, I can’t do any fighting, so I don’t have the right to complain. And I can’t talk that freely anyway.

  I should earn enough points to add alcohol as a new product when we return to the settlement. Shochu and tonic, sake, and cocktails are all options. Which one would the people in this world like?

  Come to think of it, would they be able to drink something carbonated if I provided it? Some kids get sore throats the first time they have a carbonated drink, after all. Well, they seem fine once they get used to it, so maybe I can stock some.

  I had Lammis test it once before, but she couldn’t grasp how to open the pull tab. She fiddled around with it for a bit—shaking the can up—and as soon as she got it open, it sprayed all over her. Ever since then, Lammis has been afraid of carbonated drinks, so I haven’t offered any. Maybe it would be all right to permit it for someone else. And only as long as it’s low on the carbonation.

  “It looks like this will end safely, huh, Boxxo? I’ll make you nice and clean when we get back, so hang in there just a little longer.”

  “Welcome.”

  I’m looking forward to that. It’s not as though I have a sense of touch, but I do sort of like getting wiped down with a moist cloth. It somehow refreshes my body and mind, and it feels good.

  I was wo
rried when I heard we’d be participating in the fighting, but it looks like we’ll be able to get home without any deaths among the hunters. I’m in a good mood, so maybe I’ll have a celebration sale when we get back to the settlement.

  “Th-that’s not good! Hey, everyone, get out of here! That huge thing is coming straight this way!”

  A man in the cart, his chest wrapped in bandages, is shouting and pointing into the distance.

  Prompted by how desperate he sounds, I look over—and see a giant frog covered in flames hopping toward us.

  The King Frog Fiend

  “What is this? Why is the king frog fiend coming this way?! What are the other guys doing?! Weren’t they supposed to kill it?!”

  Ignoring the angry shouts flying between the hunters, I focus on the giant frog.

  Several hunters are in pursuit a short distance behind it. Judging by their sizes, the frog is probably around ten feet tall. It could reach the second story of an apartment building.

  Unlike the frog people, this one is mostly frog. It isn’t walking on two legs—its limbs are the same as a frog’s. It’s wearing dirt-colored armor on its body, though, so it doesn’t look like an ordinary frog.

  Well, anyway, more importantly, how do those flames all over it work? I think for a moment that a hunter must have set it on fire, but the frog seems fine with it. Are those fires the monster’s doing?

  “Crap, it’s raging, too! We can’t get close to it!”

  Oh, so I suppose those flames are on purpose. I can guess that it’s something akin to a Blessing. Man, first my Force Field, now this—is there anything Blessings can’t do?

  Every time it hops, I feel a tremor throughout my machine body. It may be only ten feet tall, but it must be pretty damn heavy. Come to think of it, I’ve heard that if you grab a frog’s muscles, you can feel how hard they actually are.

  I’m calmly thinking over things, but…isn’t this, like, seriously bad?

  “Retreat! Everyone, retreat!”

  “Ruuuuuun! Leave your stuff and go!”

  Everyone immediately begins to withdraw. At first, I assume it’s going to become a chaotic, messy affair, but everyone is moving skillfully. In just a few seconds, most of the hunters have fled.

  “What? Um, huh?”

  Lammis is simply glancing around her, unsure of what to do. I know she isn’t good at making snap decisions, but hitting the WARM button over and over isn’t going to do anything! Calm down, calm down!

  “Too bad. Too bad.”

  “What? Y-yeah, you’re right. I have to calm down. Boxxo, we should run away, too!”

  She finally snaps out of it. After lifting me onto her back and stepping out to run, she stops. I consider urging her on, but when I see where she’s looking, I realize why she’s still here.

  “Damn, the buar won’t move! Did that thing scare it? Move it! Please move!”

  I know the boar with the horn is called a buar—did it freeze up after seeing that giant frog? A deer in the headlights is one thing—but a buar scared of a frog is just silly.

  If the cart carrying the wounded won’t move, then they’ll have to walk unaided. Their wounds are closed, but they’ve already lost a lot of blood and stamina. There’s probably zero chance of them being able to run and flee.

  But there’s no time to hesitate when it comes to keeping Lammis safe. Her life is the most important thing right now. It will mean abandoning them, but leaving others behind in an emergency isn’t a sin. So—

  “I have to help them! If the buar can’t move, then I’ll pull the cart!”

  I figured she’d say that. She saved me because she’s like that. If it comes down to it, I’ll make the strongest Force Field I can, so do what you want. Even if I can’t save anyone else, I’ll save her no matter what.

  She runs over to the buar cart, gently strokes the frightened buar’s back, then undoes its restraints. Suddenly, as though snapping out of a trance, the animal stampedes away.

  “Wh-why, you! The buar ran away! Are you telling us to die—?”

  “No! I’ll pull you instead!” shouts Lammis, interrupting the wounded person before grasping the cart’s handle with both hands. Then she clenches her teeth and takes a step forward.

  Normally, one girl wouldn’t be enough to pull a cart with nine whole adults in it. But she has incredible Might, enough to carry me, a vending machine, on her back with ease. This result isn’t surprising to me, since I know that already. But…

  “Hurrrghhh!”

  It’s slowgoing. Her feet are caught in the quagmire on the ground, and the wheels sink heavily in it. Just being able to move it, albeit slowly, is a masterly feat, but it doesn’t count for much in this situation.

  The king frog fiend approaching from behind has gotten fairly close. At this rate, it’s only a matter of time before it either tramples us or laps us up into its giant mouth. Or possibly burns us to death.

  If I could talk, I could tell her to put down the vending machine she’s carrying…but even if I could, I bet she’d refuse.

  What now? What should we do? Is the only option to endure its attacks with Force Field? I could maybe save Lammis with that, but not the wounded.

  If none of the competent folks can finish it off, finishing it off with only wounded people is impossible. The hunters that stayed behind as our escort ran away first thing, too.

  Is there no way to stop it?

  All we have to do is startle it or get in its way. If we can buy some time, the hunters chasing from behind should manage to get the job done. Isn’t there an item I can use right now?!

  I skim through my product listing, but the tremors and cries of the wounded are steadily intensifying, making me impatient. Ah, dammit, something—anything!

  A beneficial item or product in the lineup of items I’ve bought before now… Wait a second. Oh, if we use this and that, we might be able to stall the frog!

  How many points do I have? Over six thousand? I can afford it!

  First, I need a new function and a change. Until now, half-liter plastic bottles were the biggest I could stock, but I’m spending a thousand points to make it so that I can stock two-liter bottles as well.

  And now I’ll buy new items. I line an entire shelf with two-liter bottles of cola, a carbonated drink. It’s the kind with diet before the name, which I haven’t seen recently. I don’t need any other items right now.

  I’m on Lammis’s back, so she won’t notice if I change products. For now, I’ll give her one!

  “Whoa, what was that?! Did it catch us?”

  “No, Lammis, it was that thing on your back—Boxxo? It looks a little different, and something came out on its own.”

  Nice assist, beard guy. Lammis, please figure it out now.

  “B-but why? Why give an item for free now? Boxxo, did you do that on purpose?”

  “Welcome.”

  “You have a plan, huh? I’ll trust you!”

  Lammis releases the cart. Without hesitating, she puts me on the ground, then takes out the two-liter plastic bottle.

  “Wait, it’s all bubbly… Is it that strange juice?”

  She seems to remember what happened, and she’s frowning because of it, but it’s fine as long as she understands. Time for a big treat.

  I drop one bottle after another into my compartment. Lammis takes them out as they come and busies herself lining them up on the cart.

  Come to think of it, it’s not shaking anymore. Did something happen?

  I glance toward the king frog fiend and see that the hunters have managed to catch up to attack it. But they seem like they’re in a bad spot, and they don’t have a good way to deal with those flames.

  At this rate, either way, it’ll definitely arrive here very soon. That doesn’t change the fact that we need to do something.

  I buy a second additional function—and now it’s time for a form change!

  Light wraps around me as I begin a swift change to something different. The edges on my recta
ngular body disappear, replaced by a pillar-like shape.

  Vivid colors splash across my lower half in a polka-dot pattern. Above that is a transparent body, which provides a clear view of my contents. It’s filled to the brim with my latest product: colorful candies wrapped in cylindrical paper packaging.

  The candies are shaped similarly to stones used in Go, and there are several in one roll. They’re delicious—if you eat them like you’re supposed to.

  “What? Huh? Boxxo’s gotten round and soft!”

  Hey, if you say it that way, people are going to think I had a mean personality before. Wait, I don’t have time to be thinking about that. You’re about to get this candy for free, too.

  “Um—oh! I should take these, too, right?”

  “Welcome.”

  Lammis picks up everything overflowing from my compartment. Things are going smoothly—the problem comes now. How am I going to make her…understand?

  How can I convey my plan? I suppose I can only make use of what I have.

  “Insert coins. Insert coins. Insert coins.”

  “Huh? You gave me so many items, but you want coins now?”

  “Too bad. Insert coins. Insert coins.”

  “Wh-what?”

  I suppose that’s nowhere near enough information. But I don’t have any other way of doing this. I know it’s absurd. But please, somehow…

  “Lammis, that thing’s broken.”

  “No he isn’t! Boxxo is trying really hard to tell me something!”

  I feel like I could cry. She trusts me, and she’s trying to figure this out. Even if I don’t get my point across, I’ll have no regrets. Just the fact that Lammis is here now, believing in me, is enough.

  “This carbonated drink. Candy. Insert coins. But not… This drink exploded on me before, right? Hmm, so if I do that again… But what’s this candy for? They came out without me putting in money, but I have to put in coins, or maybe not…”

  One more step. Just one more step. Please figure it out.

  “Does it matter? Get these ropes off me! I’m not dying here with the lot of you!”

  That noisy guy must be the lowlife they wrapped in straw rope. I’d forgotten he exists.

  “Oh, shut up already! Someone put something in his mouth and make him quiet down!”