Before Hadley

by J. Nathan

  Over her shoulder the front door opened, carrying in a gust of cool air and my worst nightmare. Conner and his crew. I was not ready to see him—especially while I was drunk. Though I couldn’t miss the turning heads and whispers as he trailed into the party. Something about his confidence commanded attention. And attention is what he got. His eyes did their usual sweep, but I wasn’t about to be caught in his gaze.

  I stepped back from Lorelei and walked over to our opponents. “Great game.” The guy closest to me held up his hand for a high-five, but I threw my arms around his neck instead, surprising him. I didn’t normally play games. I liked to believe I was straightforward and honest. But apparently I’d learned from the pro.

  At that moment, my presence registered on Conner’s face. His eyes flared and he stalked across the room. His steps determined. His eyes focused on mine. As if hypnotized, I couldn’t look away.

  I held onto the frat guy a little tighter. He took that as encouragement and wrapped his arms around my waist. Conner didn’t need to know I’d just met the guy. He didn’t need to know anything.

  “What’s going on, Hadley?” Conner asked when he stopped beside us.

  I released the guy and turned to Conner. I felt my body sway on my knee-high boots, but I recovered. “It’s called having fun. You should try it some time.” I leaned closer, lowering my voice like I had a secret to share. “Or can you not find time while you’re busy looking for your next victim to play?”

  He eyed the frat guy with what could only be described as his prison glare. The wimp took off in the opposite direction. Conner leveled me with the same scary glare. “Where’s your boyfriend?”

  I didn’t bother with a response. He knew I’d done what he planned for me to do, sending Jake packing after the fight. Why affirm it?

  He stepped toward me. I stepped back. I remembered his game and was in no mood to play. Unfortunately, my boots made it difficult to maneuver backward while drunk. “Is there a reason you don’t know?”

  I glared at him, looking for the lies in his eyes. “Stop acting like you don’t know,” I slurred, more than what was acceptable. Actually, was slurring ever acceptable?

  He took another step. So did I. “Did it have anything to do with him trying to kick my ass at the bar?”

  “Trying? I saw the blood. Serves you right for provoking him.”

  His lips twitched. “I bet you liked watching me fight for you.”

  I cocked my head to the side. “Getting punched in the face was you fighting?”

  He shook his head, a slight smile now tipping his lips. “That was me letting him know I’m not going anywhere.” His nearness was daunting and he smelled so freaking good.

  “I must’ve missed that while I was worried about him kicking your ass.”

  “No need to worry.” There was a bite to his words. “That would never happen.” His eyes roamed over my tight clothes and boots. “The girl I knew rocked cut-offs and band T-shirts like no one’s business.”

  “The girl you knew is gone.”

  “Yeah, I guess I should’ve figured. She wouldn’t have been caught dead hanging all over some random guy. She hated girls like that.”

  I pulled in a breath as my eyes blazed with fury. “First of all, I can hang all over whomever I choose.” Good one, Hadley.

  “Then choose me.” He didn’t smile. He was completely serious.

  I swallowed down my surprise. I would not be distracted by him. “And second, it’s none of your business what I do.”

  “Everything involving you is my business.”

  I laughed sardonically. “Oh that’s right. You still love me. That’s why you keep playing me.”

  “Playing you?” His voice was incredulous.

  “Just when I think maybe there’s hope for us, you go and blow it.”

  His eyes were frenzied, caught off guard by my admission. “Hope for us? What does that mean?”

  Shit. “Nothing. Stop changing the subject. You knew if he punched you, I’d send him away.”

  “I hoped, but I didn’t know,” he assured me quickly, clearly hoping I explained what my big mouth just admitted.

  “You don’t care who you hurt, do you?” I glared at him, hating him for getting it wrong. For not understanding. For sending me the damn letters. For making me want to forgive him after reading them. “As long as you get what you want, to hell with everyone else. Is that who the real Conner is?”

  He flinched. “I never wanted to hurt you.”

  I ignored the sincerity in his eyes. “But that’s what you keep doing.” My head began to spin with all the alcohol I’d consumed, so I looped my arm through Lorelei’s, who’d remained close by. “Let’s get outta here.” I pulled her toward the door and away from Conner. As drunk as I was, I knew the longer I stayed there, the greater the risk of me saying something I would’ve regretted in the morning.

  * * *

  The next morning my head throbbed like the second hand on a clock. I rolled over and reached for the glass of water on my nightstand. I gulped it, hoping it stayed down. Given my queasiness, it was fifty-fifty. I grabbed my phone from the spot beside my now empty glass. I had one text. I pressed it. My heart stuttered as the photo Conner had taken of us at my mother’s fundraiser filled the screen. The message below it read: The real me loves dancing with you.

  I stared at the photo. At our younger selves. At our smiles. We looked so happy. At the time, I’d tried so hard to keep him away for fear of being hurt by the school’s newest player. But in the end, I was only hurting myself by staying away. I stared at the picture for a long time. I could see, even now, he’d been happy to be there with me. He gained nothing from it, only the opportunity to spend time with me. And from what his letters claimed, he didn’t even know about the pistol until the week of his arrest.

  “Looks like you throwing down the gauntlet, set a fire under him,” Lorelei said as she walked into our room later that week. She moved to my desk, where a box filled with packages of licorice—enough to feed my entire building—sat on my chair. She grabbed a package and tore into it. Her eyes shot to me studying on my bed.

  My eyes moved around the room, stopping on all the things I’d received. The box of licorice with the note: The real me likes girls who eat licorice. A huge bouquet of pink flowers sat in a vase beside my bed with a card sticking out the top. The message read: The real me might send flowers. A box of art supplies sat untouched on the floor beside my desk with a brief note on top: The real me loves your art and wants to see more of it.

  “He’s all about proving who the real Conner is, isn’t he?” she asked, though it wasn’t a question. She’d been there when I asked him the question. It was my fault he took me at my word and made it his mission to show me.

  I released a sigh.

  “Have you called to thank him?” She dropped down onto her bed, gnawing away at the licorice.

  I shook my head. “I’m happy he’s trying to figure out who he is, but it doesn’t mean I have to be part of it.”

  “But he’s making you part of it.” She leveled me with the same eyes Cass used when I was being stubborn. “Look, I’m not trying to tell you what to do. But the guy wants you back. If you don’t want him, be upfront. The way you dealt with him at that party, I couldn’t tell if you wanted to kick him in the balls with those killer boots or jump into his arms and kiss his face off.”

  I stared across the room at her, my mind jumping to all our interactions. Had I been giving him mixed signals? Had my confusion translated to playing hard to get? It was difficult knowing how to act with him, especially after reading the letters. Part of me wanted to forgive him and the other wanted to hate him for deceiving me again.

  When Lorelei left the room for a shower a little while later, I pulled out my phone and sent him a text. This has to stop.

  And just like that, radio silence. No texts. No gifts. No run-ins for the next week. Thankfully, hanging out with Lorelei each night afforded me little time to e
ven think about him. She purposely kept me distracted. Purposely avoided mentioning him. Purposely kept me focused on the future and not the past. Saturday night, we sat a high-top table at a crowded bar near campus. Lorelei had met a guy, and I got stuck talking to his best friend.

  “So, what’s your major?” he asked.

  Ugh. “Undecided.”

  “Oh, cool. You live around here?”

  “On campus.” I smiled, trying to act interested. But I wasn’t. Getting drunk, meeting new guys, and staying out until all hours of the night wasn’t me. It never had been.

  “Oh, yeah? Maybe we can go back there later and party.”

  “Maybe,” I lied, before excusing myself and walking to the line at the bathroom. Usually, I wished the line moved quickly. Not tonight. My eyes scanned the congested bar. Nothing about it made me want to stay. Not the loud music. Not the crowded dance floor. Not the constant elbows from people walking by. Not the small talk with people I didn’t have anything in common with. I needed to leave. I needed the quiet of my room. I needed something else.

  I returned to the table a little while later, letting Lorelei know I’d already called an Uber and was ready to head out. She hugged me hard and whispered that she wouldn’t be coming home. The girl was definitely taking advantage of the college experience. Good for her.

  I smiled at the guy whose name I couldn’t even remember and made an excuse about not feeling well so he knew he had no shot at coming home with me. After my quick goodbye, I bolted to my awaiting car and settled inside the backseat. As we pulled away from the curb, I eyed the line of people outside the bar waiting to get in. The groups of girls laughing with their friends. The guys behind them checking out their skimpy outfits. The couples in tight embraces keeping each other warm on the cool night.

  Was this what my life had come to? Rides home alone? Talking to guys in bars I had no interest in talking to? Feeling alone in a room full of people?

  Before long, my driver pulled onto campus and the familiar cobblestone buildings materialized. When he pulled up at the curb in front of my place, I stepped out of the car, pulling my coat snuggly around me to ward off the crisp fall air that had descended without warning. I walked toward the front door, jarring when I spotted Conner sitting on the steps with his elbows dug into his knees and his hands clutched tightly together. “Conner?”

  He glanced up, his eyes squinting at me.

  I exhaled a deep breath, blowing wisps of hair up as I did. “What are you doing here?”

  He patted the spot on the step beside him. “Sit with me.”

  I contemplated standing for no other reason than to be difficult, but my boots were killing my feet and my curiosity proved too much to stand. I took a step forward and sat on the cold concrete beside him. His presence still overwhelmed me. His crisp scent still invaded my senses, burrowing in like a sweet memory. His imposing form still gave me a sense of security, like no one could hurt me when he was around. Ironic, given the fact that he was the one who kept hurting me.

  “What’s going on?” I asked.

  “For three years I’ve held on to you. My memories of you. My feelings for you. My need for you in my life.” His voice carried a slight quiver. “My feelings never wavered. Not even a little.”

  My guilty eyes cut to his.

  “But being here has made me realize I need to give up.”

  I swallowed back my surprise. I guess I never imagined he’d back down.

  “Chasing you around. Trying to remind you of what we shared. It’s not me. The real me anyway. I want you, Hadley. Make no mistake about it. But I can’t force you to want me. And I can’t force you to forget what happened. I guess what I’m saying is…I need to be someone’s everything, too.”

  My heart constricted, leaving a dull ache in my chest.

  “Just because I made mistakes in the past, doesn’t mean I don’t deserve a future with someone who wants me for me. I deserve to be wanted, too.” He shrugged, brushing unexpectedly against me as he did. “Maybe this is what was supposed to happen. Maybe I needed you to teach me that lesson.”

  The finality of his words made me uneasy. Made me search for the right thing to say. Made me wonder if him leaving would make my life easier—better.

  He stood up and faced me. “All I know is I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep feeling this way. I was supposed to be happy once I was released. But all I feel is…”

  My eyes dropped to my knees, uncomfortable with my hand in his unhappiness.

  “I don’t blame you, Hadley. What happened with us sucked. And I shouldn’t have been pressuring you to forget it.” He shook his head. “I should’ve never come here.”

  I looked up at him. Like really looked at him. His hair had begun to grow back. The stubble on his chin was thicker. The light dusting of freckles still graced his nose. His long eyelashes still fanned over the tops of his cheeks. His full lips, the ones I’d spent hours kissing when I was younger, were still just as inviting.

  So much time had passed. And though parts of our younger selves still remained, we’d grown. Life had taught us both valuable lessons. Lessons I’d been too naïve to know existed in the real world. But now I knew. Good things did eventually come to an end. And Conner and I were no different.

  “Hadley?”

  I blinked, realizing he’d spoken. “Yeah?”

  “Thank you for all the memories. Regardless how this turned out, I’ll still cherish them and think of them as some of the best times of my life.”

  If words had the power to destroy, his words—his honesty—crushed me.

  “I don’t think I’m gonna stick around.” His eyes focused on anything but me. “I can take classes anywhere. I was only here for…well, you know.”

  I nodded, my heart cracking like a spider web of glass.

  “I’ll let you know before I take off. Just in case you want to know.”

  Unexpectedly, my eyes pricked with tears. This was happening. He was actually leaving. Leaving for good.

  He buried his hands in his pockets. “Bye, Hadley.”

  I watched as he turned away, each step taking him further away from me. Inside, I was screaming for him to stop. For him to give me more time. For him to fight harder. But the words wouldn’t come out of my mouth. I couldn't stop him. I couldn't give him a reason to stay.

  Once he’d disappeared into the darkness, I sat for a long time wondering if I’d just made the biggest mistake of my life.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  Hadley

  A week had passed since Conner walked out of my life for the second time. He hadn’t called to let me know he’d left, but he probably decided not to bother. It wasn’t like he owed me anything. I’d been the one who wouldn’t accept his apologies. The one who ignored his attempts to prove himself. The one who let him go.

  I’d stopped partying with Lorelei. Instead, I’d spent a lot of time alone with my thoughts. I realized that while partying distracted me, it hadn’t fixed my issues. That took time. Time without Jake. Without Conner—showing up or sending gifts. Without letters bombarding my every thought. Time alone. Time to process everything that had happened since Conner showed up on campus.

  My phone rang as I made my way across the quad after my afternoon chemistry class. Once I saw the name on the screen, I paused nervously before lifting it to my ear. “Hi, Dad.”

  “Hey. Just checking in on my girl. I haven’t talked to you in a while.” I could hear how much he missed me, and it killed me to know I still hadn’t been honest with him.

  “Yeah, I figured you were avoiding me,” I teased.

  His hearty laughter carried over the line. “Never.”

  “Well, actually…you may want to after I tell you something I’ve been holding off telling you.”

  “What’s wrong?” He immediately went into serious detective mode.

  I approached a bench and dropped down onto it. “Well, on the plus side, I haven’t been expelled, arrested, and I’m not pregnant.
”

  “Hadley,” he warned in that tone that said he was in no mood for jokes.

  “I just need for you to not flip out.”

  “I can’t promise that.”

  “Then I’m not telling you.” I stared out at the other students rushing across the quad to their next classes, wondering if what I was about to do would relieve some of my guilt. I hadn’t realized how much keeping a secret from my parents would wear on me.

  “Fine,” he relented. “I promise.”

  I pulled in a deep breath. “Conner—Caynan showed up on campus the day he was released.”

  “I’ll kill him.” The anger in his voice told me he would.

  “Dad, you promised.”

  He sighed, staying silent for a long time. So long I wondered if he’d texted campus police while still on the phone with me. “Continue.”

  “He wanted to apologize. Wanted to make amends.”

  “Did he hurt you?”

  Had he hurt me? Or had I done it to myself this time? “No, he didn’t hurt me. I actually sent him away.”

  “That’s my girl.”

  A breeze carried some leaves in front of me, swirling them at my feet. “But I’ve been giving it a lot of thought and…would it be wrong to forgive him?”

  “Oh, Hadley.” He morphed back into dad mode. "It’s never wrong to forgive someone. Forgiveness is really about you. It releases you of anger.”

  “Wow. I did not expect that.”

  He laughed. “See. I can be reasonable. Now if you said you wanted to date him again, it would be a different story.”

  I laughed to myself.

  “Would you be upset if I called campus police—just to let them know he’s been around?” he asked.

  “Of course I’d be upset. He’s not going to hurt me. He’s not even here anymore.”

  “Can I ask why you decided to tell me now?” my dad asked.

  “It just felt wrong keeping it a secret from you and Mom.”

  “You never want to keep things from the people who matter to you,” he assured me. “They’re the ones who always deserve the truth.”

  * * *