Before Hadley

by J. Nathan

I hurried into the cafeteria to grab a quick breakfast after philosophy the following morning. I reached for the last cranberry muffin in the bakery section as another hand reached for the same one. “Oh, sorry.” I pulled my hand back, turning to the person who’d grabbed it. Conner’s pixie friend with a bright red bow in her hair stood there with the muffin in her hand and a death-glare on her face.

  “Bitch.”

  I jerked a glance over my shoulder, but no one stood there. I looked back at her scowling face. “Tell me how you really feel.”

  “Nah. That would take all day,” she said, the hate in her eyes transparent.

  “Well, hey, enjoy the muffin,” I said as I turned away from her. “Be sure to choke on it.” Her quiet laughter stopped me and I spun back around.

  She stood there looking slightly amused. “He said you were feisty.”

  I cocked my head. “I thought I was a bitch?”

  “Yeah, that, too” She turned and handed her dining card to the cashier.

  “Did he leave yet?”

  She snorted, her head glancing over her shoulder. “Careful. Someone might think you actually care.”

  “I never said I didn’t care about him.”

  She walked over to me. “Well you have a screwed up way of showing it.”

  I narrowed my eyes. Who was she to tell me how to handle Conner?

  “Come sit with me,” she said, turning and grabbing a handful of napkins.

  I glanced over my shoulder again. Still no one but me.

  “I hate eating alone,” she continued, walking to one of the empty tables in the corner of the room and sitting down.

  Was this girl for real? My curiosity carried me toward the table.

  “Sit.”

  I slipped into the seat across from her as she split the muffin and handed me half. I stared down at it. “Did you poison it when I wasn’t looking?”

  She laughed. Like really laughed. “He said you were funny too.”

  Our interaction was getting stranger by the minute. “Look, I don’t know what else he told you, but—”

  “He loves you.” She lifted her bony shoulder. “That’s what he told me. What else is there to know?”

  “There’s more to it than that.” I broke off a piece of muffin and popped it in my mouth.

  “The way I see it, a hot guy spent three years paying for his crimes. He got out a changed man and headed right here because he wants you. What more do you want?”

  I popped another piece of muffin into my mouth, knowing I didn’t have an answer. I didn’t doubt Conner loved me. And to be honest, I was tired of not trusting him.

  “Just so you know, he’s got his pick of girls.”

  “Yeah. Nothing I haven’t seen before.”

  “For what it’s worth, he hasn’t touched a single one.” Her lips twitched. “The guy could be a priest.”

  “Yeah, well, he’s not really into forward girls. He’s more into the chase.”

  Her sad eyes stared across the table at me for a long time before she spoke. “Until he’s not anymore.”

  I averted my gaze, snagging the eyes of a girl in my chemistry class who smiled at me from across the room. I tried to smile back, but my eyes shifted back to the girl in front of me. “So, is he still around?”

  * * *

  I sat on the concrete steps in front of my building. My body trembled nervously as I watched people pass by on their way to their dorms. It was after nine and wispy clouds from my breath floated in front of my face as I pushed out a deep breath.

  The sound of more footsteps trailed over from the right of my building. My heart surged as Vik and Conner approached, walking down the sidewalk engrossed in a conversation. Conner didn’t notice me sitting there—or at least he tried like hell not to notice—as they made their way by. Vik stopped abruptly in front of my building.

  Conner took a couple more steps before stopping and turning toward her. “What are you doing?”

  She didn’t answer, but I assumed her eyes cut to me because his head whirled around and he found me sitting on the steps. Vik walked over to him. She said something as she patted his chest and walked away, leaving him standing alone.

  I took another deep breath and let it out slowly. I hadn’t really considered what I’d say once Vik got him near my place. “You’re still here.”

  He nodded. “I told you I’d let you know before I took off.”

  The tapping inside my chest kept a steady tempo. “I was hoping I’d run into you.”

  His eyes narrowed. “Why’s that?”

  I swallowed down the nervous lump in my throat. “I’ve never done it before, but I could probably teach you to ride a bike.”

  His face filled with a mix of confusion and disbelief as he took a step toward me.

  There was no stopping now. “And my mom does some fundraising for animal shelters. So if you’re looking to get a dog, we might look there first.”

  His eyes were locked on mine as he continued walking slowly toward me “You read my letters?”

  I nodded.

  A look of hope swept over his features as he took the remaining steps, stopping directly in front of me. “And?”

  I shrugged. “I’m confused.”

  He dropped to his haunches in front of me, his big hands cupping my cheeks and forcing my eyes on his. The feel of his hands on my skin warmed them, numbing them in a way I hadn’t felt in three years. “I’m not stupid enough to think it won’t take time, but I will prove to you I’m the guy you want. The guy you need.” He sounded so sincere—so convinced he could do it.

  “How can you think it’ll be easy?”

  He dropped his forehead to mine, the action taking me back in time. “Because I love you. I love that you challenge me. I love that we argue but it doesn’t change my feelings for you. I love that I’ve never felt more alive than when I’m with you. Whether we’re on the top of a water tower or watching a train pass by, I just want to do everything with you by my side.”

  I pulled in a shaky breath as my eyes glazed with tears. It was one thing to read his feelings on paper, but hearing them right from his lips overwhelmed me.

  “I love you enough for the both of us right now,” he assured me. “I’ve had three years to think about my feelings for you. You’ve spent those years hating me. I know you must be confused, but I promise, I’ll do everything in my power to gain your trust. I’ll stay by your side or keep my distance while you figure it out. Whatever you need. The ball is in your court. You call the shots.”

  Gahhhh.

  His candor and desperation blindsided me. I felt lightheaded, dizzy from the depth of his words. “I know I don’t want to lose you—”

  His smile spread so wide you’d think I told him I’d forgiven him.

  “But I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to fully trust you.”

  He nodded. “The only way to gain your trust is to prove you can trust me. I know that. I just need you to give me time to do it.”

  I stared into his eyes. Being that close, it was as if I’d been transported back three years. “How can you be sure it wasn’t your loneliness talking in the letters? How do you know you weren’t wrapped up in me because I was familiar?”

  “You are the only person who has ever given me hope. The only person who has ever shown me love. The only person who has ever given me all of herself and made me want to do the same. I won’t let you down again. I promise. I will kiss you every morning for the rest of your life. If you let me.”

  It was all too good to be true. The poignancy of his words. The sincerity in his eyes. I’d been in that spot before and look where I ended up. “I don’t know if I believe you.”

  That slow-spreading cocky smirk lifted his lips right before they crashed down on mine. His tongue plunged inside my mouth. There was nothing gentle about it. This was three years’ worth of pent-up frustration. He was proving his words. Proving his apology. Proving his love for me. His hands stayed on my face, turning it to fit wit
h his before they dropped to lift me up like I weighed nothing at all. My legs locked around his hips as he climbed the steps and slammed my back into the front door. My hands slid behind his neck rough and desperate.

  I wanted to hate what he was doing. Hate the feel of his lips as they consumed mine. Hate the feel of his hands clutching my ass. Hate the force of his body pressing up against mine. But the truth was, for me this kiss was three years’ worth of resentment. I was punishing him for the pain he caused me—the unnecessary pain. For the love I once had for him. For making me feel again.

  I dropped one hand and pulled my key card from my pocket. He ripped it from my hand and somehow managed to use it to unlock the door with my back pressed against it and his lips devouring mine.

  Once the front door opened, Conner tore down the hallway. “Room twelve,” I said against his lips. He pinned me against the door to my room, using my key card to unlock it. He shoved it open, causing us to practically fall inside. Once he’d kicked the door shut, he carried me to my bed. He lowered me onto my back and followed me down, his weight heavy on top of me.

  We didn’t break contact. We were grabbing and pushing and maniacal. Everything felt so right in that moment. It was as if, with our tongues melding and our teeth clashing, I’d forgotten the pain. The anger. The humiliation. I just wanted his hands on me. His mouth on me. His body one with mine.

  He reached for the hem of my shirt, only releasing my lips to tug it over my head. I grabbed at his shirt yanking it over his head. Then both of us were tugging off our own bottoms unable to get back to the other fast enough. I was turned on and needy. Needy for him to possess me. Possess me in a way his eighteen-year-old self hadn’t. Possess me in a way only his twenty-one-year-old self was capable of.

  I pulled him down to me, my hands wrapping around the bulges in his biceps. He was jacked, so much more so than before. There wasn’t an ounce of fat on his body. He was defined, cut, and perfect. And currently turning me on.

  He unlatched my hands from his arms, lifting my arms above my head. “Keep them up, Hadley. Let me look at you.” He sat back on his knees, his eyes burning into every inch of my skin, sweeping slowly and methodically. Like he was memorizing my body, in case he didn’t have another opportunity to see it.

  Devoid of his body heat, the room chilled my skin. Goosebumps erupted all over. Conner seemed to notice, leaning down and rubbing his hands up from my ankles all the way to my thighs, his hands igniting a fire inside me. He trailed them up my hips, his fingers digging in, moving slowly up my sides. His thumbs purposely brushed the sides of my breasts.

  A moan erupted from me.

  “Oh, you like when I do this?”

  I willed myself not to beg him for more. Not to cry at the absence of his touch for the past three years.

  “Let’s see what else you like.” He leaned down, his mouth closing over my nipple, the gentle suction crossing my eyes. “Oh, you still like when I do this.”

  My breathing became labored as I fought to keep my hands above my head.

  My breast popped free from his mouth. “I want you so bad,” he murmured into my chest before sucking the other nipple into his mouth. One of his hands slid down my stomach to between my legs. I groaned as his fingers skated over my wet skin. I lost all sense of reason as he slipped two fingers inside.

  “Tell me you forgive me?” he murmured as his fingers pumped slowly in and out.

  I whimpered softly, unable to say a word.

  “That wasn’t an answer. I need you to tell me you forgive me. I need to hear you say it.” His fingers stopped moving, taking with them the ripples of pleasure he’d sparked.

  My eyes popped open, flashing down to him staring up at me. “Is that all you want?”

  His lips tipped up in the corners. “Do I look like that’s all I want?”

  I didn’t even blink. “Yes.”

  He grabbed me by the legs and twisted me onto my belly, covering my back with the weight of his body. His lips moved up the side of my neck as he sucked his way up to my ear. “I want all of you, you crazy girl. I want this beautiful body.” His left hand slid down the length of my side. “I want this beautiful mind.” He buried his lips in my hair and kissed me hard. “And I want every moment from here on out to be spent making you love me and only me. So, I’ll ask you again. Do you forgive me?”

  I vibration of his heartbeat ricocheted against my back as his weight pushed me into the bed, his erection steel against my butt. “I want to. Every part of me wants to. But I can’t be that girl again.”

  He dropped feather-light kisses all over my bare shoulders. “I just want you to be you.”

  “Then don’t ask me if I do forgive you. Ask me if I could.”

  He paused, giving my question the seriousness it deserved. “Could you forgive me, Hadley?”

  “Yes,” I whispered, knowing without a doubt, it would take time. More time than we had before both of us shattered with need.

  Conner flipped me over so quickly, I had no time to hold on. He smiled down at me, clearly pleased by my response. He reached for his jeans hanging off the side of the bed and dug into the pocket, pulling out a condom and slipping it on. “I need to look into your eyes.” He lowered his weight onto me, his knees on either side of my hips, his elbows by my head. “I need to see the second I’m inside of you again.”

  I stared up into his eyes. The eyes of the guy I wanted in that moment. The guy I could very well love again one day. The guy I missed more than I realized—more than I thought possible.

  As if he heard my thoughts, his lips crashed down on mine. My arms slipped around him, holding him to me, my knees bending and cradling him.

  He pulled back. “I’ve thought about this for three years. What it would feel like. What I’d say. What you’d be like.”

  “And?” I gasped.

  “I fucking love you more than life itself, Hadley.” With one forceful thrust, he pushed inside me for the first time in three years. He groaned, low and feral.

  I arched into him, his bare body gliding against mine, the friction electric. His anxious thrusts mirrored the desperation in his voice. I pulled him toward me, my lips taking control as my hips met his thrust for thrust. He filled me, stretching me wide. It was glorious, like no time had passed. Like nothing had changed between us. Like we hadn’t changed. His kisses became sloppy and wet, devouring my lips whole.

  Needing a breath, I eventually pulled back, my head pushing into the pillow as my eyes rolled into the back of my head. He nuzzled into the crook of my neck, his tongue licking and his teeth nipping a path to my ear. He reached down and circled my right wrist with his hand, lifting it above my head. He held it there, lacing our fingers and bracing himself with it. I reached down with my left hand, my fingernails digging into his bare ass as he pounded into me over and over again, hitting spots inside me, spots no one since him had been able to reach.

  “You are my everything, Hadley,” he murmured into my neck, the rasp in his voice and the certainty of his words firing sensations through me. “I’ve missed you so damn much.”

  “I’ve missed you, too.”

  My words ignited a fire in him. His hips thrust faster. Harder. Our anxious panting parted the silence in the room. Then the trembles deep inside me started, slow then fiercer as his thrusts became unyielding. An explosion of vibrations rocked through me jetting out to every neglected part of my soul. I gasped, as my body hummed and a blanket of calm fell over me. A stillness I’d only ever felt with him in my life.

  He didn’t stop. He kept moving, grunting into my neck as his body glided over mine. Then, as if my release had pushed him over the edge, his hips pumped one last time, deep and hard, and his body froze, quivers taking hold of him. His weight slowly lowered down on me, crushing me into the bed.

  I’d never felt so complete in my entire life.

  “I’m never letting you go again,” he breathed.

  “Prove it.”

  Conner

&n
bsp; The early morning sun peeked through the blinds in Hadley’s room as I turned over in her twin bed, wrapping my arms around her small body. I buried my nose into her hair, inhaling that strawberry scent I’d missed so damn much. At some point during the night, I’d let go of her, something I never thought I’d be capable of doing once I had her back in my life. She shifted, burrowing into my chest. I lay with her in my arms for a long time absorbing the moment, the reality of what had happened, and the possibilities that lay ahead for us.

  In prison I realized my life was best described as two chapters. Before Hadley and After Hadley. Before Hadley, I was a shell of a guy. Sure I had confidence and girls, but I lived my life controlled by my father. Controlled by the fact that I was incapable of making it on my own. Incapable of cutting ties.

  After I met Hadley, everything changed for me. I started thinking about a future. About the opportunities ahead of me. And in the end, I’d made it out to the other side unscathed. I moved through each day knowing I had a future and I was convinced Hadley would be part of it.

  My phone vibrated on the nightstand, snapping me out of my head. Besides Hadley, only two people had my number. Vik and my PO. I released one arm carefully and grabbed the phone before it woke Hadley. I glimpsed the screen and accepted the call, whispering into the phone. “Hold on please, Sir.”

  I slipped out from Hadley’s arms and dug my feet into my sneakers. I grabbed my clothes from the floor, slipping them on as I moved to the door and ducked into the hallway. “Sorry about that.” I kept my voice lowered so I didn’t wake Hadley or her entire floor. “What can I do for you?”

  “You staying out of trouble?”

  I leaned against the wall, dropping my head back against it. “Absolutely.”

  “Good.” He paused. He never paused. He was straight-forward and most of our calls lasted no more than thirty seconds. “So, listen. The reason for my call is a little unorthodox.”

  “Okay.”

  “Your father contacted me.”

  I stood in the empty hallway with that same familiar pit in the bottom of my stomach. The one I’d lived with growing up. The one that disappeared the moment I’d been behind bars—ironically enough.