Hartstrings: A Jaded Regret Novel (Jaded Regret Series Book 3)

by L. L. Collins

  She shook her head and relief flooded through me. “Well thank God. I didn’t want to have to be put in jail for murder,” I teased.

  Mac’s burst into tears, burying her face in her hands. Well, shit. What the hell did I do now?

  “Mackenzie.” I wrapped my arms around her and kissed the top of her head. “What happened? Please talk to me.”

  Her body shuddered under mine for several minutes while I held her, neither of us speaking. I wanted to lift her up and sit her on the couch and make her talk to me, but I knew that wasn’t my place. Mackenzie had to make her own decisions, even simple ones like when to talk and when not to.

  I would wait however long it took.

  Finally, she lifted her tear-stained face to mine. “We need to talk.”

  Who knew four words could make you feel so many emotions?

  I nodded. “Okay. Do you want to go to the couch?”

  She stood and walked out of the kitchen without a word. I followed, wishing I could read anything from the way she acted. Did she not want to live with me anymore? Was she going home? Was she going back….to Andrew?

  No. No damn way.

  My mind reeled with the possibilities. Just when I realized I didn’t want to be without her ever again, she wanted to talk.

  Mackenzie settled herself on the couch and tucked her legs underneath her. She shifted so she faced me. I sat right next to her and turned so I looked directly at her tear-stained face.

  I felt like throwing up, but I forced myself to listen to her before I overreacted.

  Mackenzie took a deep breath and blew it out slowly, fueling my unease. “To start, I didn’t go to Atlanta.”

  I furrowed my brow. “What?” Where did she go? Was she seeing someone? What was this about? “Where were you?” I tampered down my reaction, remembering she was still sensitive to any emotion that seemed like anger.

  She glanced away for a second, and my stomach sank. This was it. Mackenzie wanted nothing more to do with me. I didn’t deserve her, and I knew that, but I wanted her.

  “I went to Tennessee.” Her voice wavered with her admission.

  Fuck. She wasn’t leaving me. She went to Tennessee.

  The thought of the state I left years ago made my stomach churn, the food I ate threatening to visit. “You…you…did what?” I tried to steel my reaction.

  “I know. I know what you’re going to say. But I had to, Tanner. There wasn’t any other way to go any further with Tracey’s disappearance unless I went.”

  “You…you lied to me.”

  Mackenzie nodded. “I did. I’m sorry. I knew you wouldn’t go with me, but I also knew you wouldn’t want me to go. So I set out to find answers for you, Tanner. The answers you need to finally put to rest all the things you wondered all these years.”

  Answers. She said the word answers. She knows where Tracey is? Hope bloomed in my chest and the anger dissipated.

  “You know where Tracey is?”

  “I went to see your father,” Mac said. The words tumbled from her mouth like she was afraid of what they would do once they were out.

  I stood and shoved my hands through my hair, forcing breaths in and out of my lungs while I paced in front of the couch. She went to see my father. In prison. By herself. The man I promised never to see again. The man who killed my mother.

  I forced my voice to stay low, though I wanted to scream. “Why the hell would you do that, Mac? You shouldn’t have. I told you not to go. I didn’t want you to see him.” The urge to lash out almost overtook me, but I needed to stay calm.

  Fucking hell. Why did she go there without telling me? What if something happened to her? I would never forgive myself. She put herself in the path of that psycho to find answers. For me.

  As soon as the anger came, it disappeared.

  Mac did that. For me. I stopped and turned back to her, instantly calmer. “I’m sorry. You did this for me. I still wish you wouldn’t have, but thank you. Thank you for facing my evil father to try to find out where Tracey is. I wish you would’ve told me, but I understand why you didn’t.”

  She nodded, worrying her lip between her teeth. “I’m glad you’re not mad at me. I’m sorry for lying to you. I wanted so badly to—” Mac broke off and covered her mouth with her hand again. “I just…”

  “Hey.” I crouched in front of her. “It’s okay. What’s done is done. Please tell me you got some answers. You saw my father. I’m sorry you had to endure that. I guarantee he reminded you of everything you wanted to leave behind. For so many reasons you’re the bravest woman I’ve ever known. I doubt he was anything but an asshole, but did you find something out being in Tennessee?”

  “I think you better sit down.” The tone of her voice made me stand and make my way back to the couch without delay. I didn’t like the way that sounded. Mac cleared her throat. “There’s information he didn’t share way back when she disappeared.”

  I wanted to urge her to keep going, but my throat refused to allow my mouth to work. I willed her not to stop now.

  “He…” Mac blew out a breath and reached for my hand. She laced her fingers with mine. I felt sick again. Whatever she was about to tell me wasn’t good. My mind raced with possibilities. Was Tracey out there somewhere? Did she find her?

  “This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I want you to know that.” Mac paused, and I wanted to scream. I knew whatever she had to say, it would gut me like nothing before. “He killed her, Tanner.”

  Killed her. The words hung out in front of me like they waited for me to comprehend the finality of them.

  He killed her. She was dead.

  The words reverberated in my head, bouncing from one side to another as my brain tried to process what she said. No. I would know if she was gone. I would feel it.

  I shook my head, and Mackenzie squeezed my fingers. “I know, Tan. You don’t want to believe it. But he told me…”

  “How?” It was the only word I could strangle out of my crushed airway.

  “I don’t think you want me to—”

  “How,” I repeated, louder this time. Mac nodded, and I felt her thumb caress my palm like I did to her so often.

  Tracey was dead. My father killed her. He knew all along that she wasn’t missing, and he let us search for her like the idiots he thought we were.

  He hated my mother.

  Little did I know he also hated his daughter.

  “The day she disappeared, the night after you intervened between your parents and got hit?” I nodded, remembering. “He offered to take her to school. Then he…he….” A sob ripped from Mac’s chest, and I instantly felt like a grade A asshole.

  It wasn’t just me suffering here. While this was my family, Mac had to come to terms with yet another abusive asshole. She saw my situation as a reflection of hers. This could’ve been what her life turned into.

  “Thank you for doing this. I know it’s awful, to be the one who has to give me this information. I’ve waited for twelve years, Mac. Please tell me. She was my best friend—my only salvation in life. Tell me what happened to her.”

  “He didn’t tell me the sordid details, thankfully. I know he hurt her in some way. He then disposed of her in the lake. The same lake where he later killed your mother.”

  My head snapped up, and the room spun. I opened my mouth to respond when she held up her hand, so I shut it.

  “He told me why he killed your mother.”

  My chest constricted, and I let go of her hand. I tried to calm my breathing, but nothing worked. Spots appeared in my vision. I felt my hands shake as I lifted them. I couldn’t do this. I wouldn’t survive.

  “Tanner.” Mac’s voice broke into my racing thoughts. “Take a deep breath and see me. I’m right here.” I forced a breath into my lungs, and she nodded. “That’s it. Do that again.”

  “Why.”

  She didn’t have to ask what I meant. Mac nodded her head. “Are you sure you want to hear this?”

  “Tell me.”
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  “She found out what he did to Tracey. She was going to expose the truth. You already ran away, and she had nothing else to lose.”

  “So he killed my sister for what reason?” Saying the words strung together in a sentence made my stomach roil again. He killed my sister and my mother. What the hell kind of DNA was inside me?

  Mac shrugged. “She tried to defend your mom. He mentioned it was a good thing you ran away, otherwise…”

  “He would’ve killed me, too.”

  My father is evil. My mother was weak.

  I am a product of both of them.

  I’m fucked up.

  My sister is dead.

  My twin sister. The only one to ever really get me.

  I stood and stomped to the kitchen, where my keys hung. Mackenzie followed right behind me. “Tanner? What are you doing?”

  I gripped the keys so hard I could feel imprints in my hand. I had to get out of here. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t survive.

  I was dead inside.

  “I have to go.” I clutched my chest again, the tightening feeling making spots reappear in my eyes.

  Mackenzie blocked my path to the garage. “Tanner. No. Stop. Listen to me.”

  “I can’t.” I placed my hand on her face. “Thank you. For finally finding out what the truth was. I can’t be here right now. I…” I shook my head. I brushed my lips against hers and pushed past her to the garage, words failing me.

  AJ went home hours ago, so I could do whatever I wanted, and no one would know.

  I could bury Tanner Hartwell.

  I revved the engine to my motorcycle and peeled out of the driveway. I glanced back and saw Mac. She stood in the doorway, and from the road I could see the anguish on her face.

  My father killed my sister. She was gone. She was in the bottom of the same lake where Thomas Hartwell killed my mother.

  After this much time, it would be a miracle if they found any remnants of Tracey.

  I would never see her again.

  * * *

  I wondered how many rounds of shots this was now, but before I could try to figure it out, a busty blonde sidled up next to me in my booth. Her friend, a redhead, slid in on the other side until both of them were so close to me I could feel their full breasts pushing into my arm on either side. They giggled, and I smiled.

  “Hey, Tanner.” The blonde had a husky voice and a low-cut shirt. I couldn’t help but notice while she was well endowed, she was nothing compared to Mac.

  At the thought of her, I picked up my shot glass and downed another. The burn traveled down my esophagus and emptied into my stomach. I sucked in a breath and closed my eyes. The room spun. I knew I was beyond the point where I should stop.

  But it was the only thing that shut off my brain, so I would keep going until someone took me home and I passed out.

  I was at my local hangout, where everyone knew me, and I always had a VIP booth. Since AJ wasn’t with me, one of the bouncers from the club stood guard at my section.

  I guess he knew to let the hot girls in.

  Over the hours, the girls paraded through my booth. I took selfies with I don’t know how many of them. The last set of girls said I was trending on social media as #tannerhartselfies.

  Fucking great.

  “I’m Barbie, and this is my friend Kendra.” Barbie—aka Blondie—said, and they both laughed. I wanted to roll my eyes, but that exerted too much effort. “We want to show you a real good time, Tanner. We know you’re man enough to have us both. At the same time.”

  “Is that right.” In the past, I wouldn’t think twice about it.

  Kendra glanced down at my lap and then licked her lips. “I want you in my mouth. Surely your bodyguard here can cover, right?”

  Did she want to suck me right here? This would be new, even for me.

  Mac’s face appeared in my head, and I took another shot. My sister was dead. My mother was dead. My father was psychotic.

  I was no longer Tanner Hartwell.

  I was motherfucking Tanner Hart, manwhore of rock music. Kick ass bass guitarist of the world famous Jaded Regret. Girls flocked to me, and I took them to bed and gave them what they wanted.

  Instead of answering her, I lifted one of my shot glasses and tipped it up to Barbie’s mouth, then Kendra’s. I finished it and slammed it down on the table. “Give me another round.” The waitress nodded and disappeared. I wasn’t interested in either of them riding me, sucking me, or anything in between.

  Drink until you forget.

  * * *

  “Get up, you fucking moron.” I winced as light flooded through the room. I moaned and brought my hands up to cover my face.

  “What the fuck?”

  I felt the covers rip off of my body, but I couldn’t look up. My head felt like a vise squeezed it and my mouth was so dry it was possible I may die of dehydration.

  My stomach lurched, and I rolled over. “Oh, God.”

  I felt the bed dip, and I heard his voice again. “What in the ever loving fuck did you do?” Johnny. Of course, it was Johnny.

  Wait. Johnny? How the hell did I…? Where was I?

  Despite the pain it caused, I forced myself to open my eyes a crack. “How did I get here?”

  Johnny crossed his arms, his inked biceps bulging. He set his jaw and narrowed his gaze on me. “AJ brought your ass here. You’re lucky Bex was asleep and didn’t see the state you were in. But she sure as shit will see the news stories. You better come up with a good one this time, asshole.”

  Fuck. What did I remember? I searched my memory, but the only thing that came up was how much pain I felt at this moment.

  “News stories? AJ? How?” The room spun as a wave of nausea overtook me.

  “Apparently after AJ went home last night you got some hair-brained idea to go party by yourself. You entertained quite a few women and got trashed out of your mind. The bouncer at the bar is a friend of AJ’s and called him once he realized you were fucked up. Also, because of the twenty girls you hooked up with from beginning to end last night, social media was all abuzz about Tanner wild and on the loose.”

  Hooked up with? I vaguely remembered doing selfies with some women, but I sure as shit didn’t remember hooking up with anyone.

  “You know I sure as hell had my wild days.” Johnny stood. “I’m not judging, Tanner. But what about Mackenzie? I thought things were different for you now.”

  Mac. At the mention of her name, my stomach convulsed and the memories all came back.

  Tracey. My dad.

  Mac.

  I flung the covers back and ran for the guest bathroom. I purged every bit of alcohol that was left in my body before I rinsed my mouth out and stared at myself in the mirror.

  I looked like hell.

  I felt like hell.

  And Mackenzie was at home, more than likely wondering where I was. Wondering if I woke up in someone else’s bed this morning.

  She woke up without me today.

  After she selflessly went to Tennessee to solve my sister’s case. Without any regard to her emotional or physical well-being.

  More than likely, she already saw all the trending news stories about Tanner Hart being out in the clubs, hooking up with girls.

  I didn’t deserve her.

  I opened the bathroom door, and Bex stood there leaning against the wall. She didn’t smile, but she didn’t cuss me out, either. I guess that was a good sign. There wasn’t any hiding when you pissed Bex off. The people in the next county knew that.

  She turned and walked down the hall without a word. I knew what that meant. Follow me. Or else.

  When we finally stopped, we were in their home studio. Johnny sat on the leather couch, waiting.

  “Sit.” Bex indicated the loveseat across from them. “You look like absolute hell, and I would guess you feel worse.” She glanced over at Johnny. “Tell us what’s going on, Tan.”

  “Nothing.”

  She lifted an eyebrow. “Really. You’re going to
go with that.”

  “Yup.”

  She crossed her arms in front of her chest. “Bullshit. You spend the last few months being a version of you that we’ve never seen. You bring this beautifully broken girl into your life and house and everything about you changes. Then we’re supposed to believe that you get a wild hair up your ass to go back to sticking your dick in anything that walks?”

  Not that it mattered, but I knew I didn’t sleep with anyone because I remembered that much. My ass was planted in that booth the entire time. Selfies, yes. Sex, no. When I didn’t respond, she leaned forward, her lips set in a thin line.

  “I don’t care what you do on your personal time. Lord knows the entire country knows what you like to do in your free time. I’m not judging you because we’ve all been in a similar place before. But something is going on, Tanner. I’m not dumb. We’re your family. Let us be there for you.”

  Family. The only family I ever had let me down in the worst possible ways.

  But that wasn’t fair to think about Jaded Regret. Since the day I auditioned and got the role as bass guitarist, we bonded.

  A realization hit me. I pushed them away because of the pain of what happened with my family without realizing that they became my family.

  Family didn’t have to be blood. In fact, the family you chose—or in this case, chose you—were often the only ones who were there for you. Why had I not seen this before? Jaded Regret was and is the only family I’ve ever known. They accepted that I didn’t want them to know anything about who I was because they knew the demons they lived with daily. We’d been together for five years, and I never told them a single personal thing about me.

  “There’s a lot you guys don’t know,” I said finally.

  Bex nodded, waiting for me.

  “I want to tell you, but…it’s hard. I found out some stuff that—” My voice broke. I stood. “Right now, I have to get to Mac. I didn’t handle things well last night, and I’m afraid she will…”

  “Go.” Bex and Johnny both stood and followed me out. “AJ is out there with Heath. He’s ready to take you home.”