by Bry Ann
“What?” he screams, blood dripping down his hand from the glass. His voices echo across the room. I cower. It is the loudest I’ve ever heard him, but this Rex isn’t the same Rex I knew as a kid and a young adult. Understandably so. My life touched his and destroyed it.
“I….I... “I stammer. Paralyzed. I hadn’t faced this part of my life. Ever. Not since it happened. I never thought I would have to. It didn’t matter. It does now. It really fucking does.
“Your father and that fucking Russian were at the mall that day?” His voice is shaking with rage. “That is why you left!”
I squeak and nod.
“Holy fucking hell!”
His breathing is irregular, and his hands are fists as he runs them through his hair, swiping drops of blood through his thick black hair. I glance up a moment and see Gunner watching him cautiously. Only Gunner knows every detail of what his association with me cost him. I understand Sam and Dana’s suicide attempts more in that moment than I ever have, because I suddenly wish I had offed myself years ago.
Sam clears her throat. I glance up at her from my hidden, slouched posture. Her eyes show the tears that are threatening to leak, but she has that familiar steel look in her eye.
“Guys, let’s give them a moment.”
Her voice is sounds hoarse, but I swear to God I could kiss her for picking up on the que to leave. Continuously proving why, she is the person I let in my life after all that hell.
Everyone stands except for Gunner. He hesitates. He eyes find Rex’s, then Dana’s (who is sobbing), mine and then back to Rex.
“Is everything good?”
Rex is lost in his own world and doesn’t even hear him. Sam rolls her eyes and grabs Gunner’s shoulder roughly. The look on his face would have been funny if it wasn’t for everything else going on.
“Come on Gunner,” Sam says, sounding annoyed. “Give them a moment.”
He looks weary but leaves with the rest of them. The room feels empty with just me and a very emotionally conflicted Rex in it. I want them back but would not be able to deal with the shame of falling apart in front of them. I want them to stay in my life forever. Sam is right to have them all leave.
There is a long silence. Neither of us know what to say. Rex crosses the room first. I stand up and trip over my back foot trying to back away from him. The look in his eye is terrifying. The energy surrounding him is legal. I back against the wall and cradle my injured hand as my head slams against the stucco. I'm not paying attention to anything other than escaping him. Rex stands directly in front of me. His eyes are full of hatred and disgust.
“Why didn’t you tell me this! I had a right to know.”
“I… Rex. Please.”
“No Alexa! Just no.”
“What happened?” he grits out. His hands push me against the wall harder. I wince as the pain shoots down my arm. He looks down at my hand and for a moment his eyes soften, but then steel up again when his eyes meet mine. “Mia died for this, and you kept it from me.”
Tears pool my eyes. “I know.”
“Then do something about it!”
I don’t know what is happening, but my legs start to wobble, and my breathing becomes erratic.
“I can’t…” I start choking. I begin to realize it is a panic attack, but it feels like more. It feels like I'm having a heart attack. Stars fill my vision.
“Rex, I can’t breathe,” I say quickly before my legs give out.
He catches me, it’s reflex. Once I'm in his arms he lets me hover above the ground for a few seconds, conflicted. He didn’t want to catch me. That part of win wins, because he drops me and crosses the room before turning to face me again. I put my palms on the floor and throw up. It all hits too fast. The badass I became feels more like a distant memory in this moment than a real person. I try to breath, in and out, in and out, but I can’t. I hear footsteps but can’t think. Can’t move. I just want it to end. The pain. The overwhelm. I feel a large hand touch my lower back gently.
“Breath Alexa. Come on.”
The voice is not as angry. It’s not soft, but it is offering comfort, so I take some slow breathes. The air coming out shakes. I still feel dizzy. I choked sob escapes my lips. I’m so uncomfortable; physically, mentally, spiritually. I see Rex text someone as I cough, cry and struggle to breath. Once the text is finished his hand is back on my lower back.
“Alexa. Come on.”
His voice sounds more pained now. I continue to choke and cough. I see Rex look over and then he stands up. The door opens and shuts. I look over panicked, terrified he let someone in who could see me like this. He raises his hands as if to say he’s alone. I immediately look back down and try to breath. My breathing has become more regular, so my body uses that as consent to start crying. The pain I feel is all consuming.
“Up you go Alexa,” he says with strain as he picks me up off the floor. He pretty much has to drag me back to the couch. I take deep breaths; in three, out three. It’s some stupid breathing exercise I learned from Dana. She’s talked about it endlessly. Once I finally start to calm down Rex holds something out and hands it to me.
“Mouthwash,” he says flatly. “There’s a cup on the table.”
I grunt, trying to say thank you somehow. I pick the cup off the table. I swirl mouthwash around in my mouth as long as possible, trying to buy time. As the minutes pass Rex stops pacing and cocks an eyebrow at me. I swirl it around an extra minute just to be stubborn and then spit it out into the cup. I swirl the cup to the farthest end of the table, because I don’t want to look at my spit. It’s fucking disgusting. The second the cup is out of my view the anxiety is back, but the pain has vanished. In its place is anger. My safe place. The one emotion I am okay with expressing. I can’t really pinpoint when other emotions became unsafe to express because for as long as I can remember anger has been my only alli. The emotion that’s kept me strong.
“I don’t know what you want from me Rex! I can’t take any of this back. I wish like helI I could.”
“I’m not asking you to fucking take it back Alexa! I’m just asking for the truth.”
“I can’t give you that,” I say turning away from him. “I’m really sorry. You don’t want to hear it. It won’t help anything!”
“If I had let you keep talking would you have told it. You were pretty zoned out there Alexa. You gave details I never thought you would.”
I feel my cheeks turning red. “I will never be zoned out enough to say what happened that night.”
Rex rolls his eyes, but there’s a hint of pity behind them this time. “It’s not like I can’t guess.”
“Guessing and reality are two different things.”
The reality is Mia’s death is my fault. If hadn’t been for the choices I made that night none there would have been no tragedies in Rex’s beautiful life. He can’t know. Mia would still be here in all her shining glory, married to the love of her life, a man who’d fight the devil himself to save her. If it wasn’t for me. Blaze may have been a country boy, but his name came into play when it came to her wellbeing. He was all fire and brimstone when it came to Mia’s safety and happiness.
“So, we are at a standstill then.”
“I guess so,” I say with a quivering voice.
Rex doesn’t waste a second. He crosses the room in a flash and has me pinned to the wall again. I guess this is his damn signature. His forearm crosses my chest, holding me there.
“Listen to me carefully Alexandra Ray…” my body reacts instantly to that name. I jerk in his arms, but he’s strong and all it takes is him bringing his second arm into play to subdue me. I spit in his face.
“Don’t call me Alexandra,” I seethe. My voice is ice. I don’t care if it is Rex. I will end whoever calls me by that name.
Rex takes his other hand off me to wipe his face. I am still glaring daggers into him.
“Listen to me. If you don’t tell me I am wasting my time here. I will walk right out of this room and I
will make sure you never see me again. I know your instinct is to follow your ego and say, ‘fuck you’ and watch me leave, but I fucking know you Alex. This will kill you. It will eat you up inside more than anything else will. I was there after Anna died. I know you can handle a whole hell of a lot of pain, but you don’t love easy. When that love is lost it destroys you. You don’t want me to leave forever, and you sure as hell don’t want to dishonor Mia’s memory. Despite everything you loved her, and she believed in you more than anyone else ever did. So,” he says pushing his arm into me before letting go. “What is going to be? The truth or regret.”
“I’ve already lost you though,” I say, feeling my body slump, “and I did love Mia. Very much.”
I feel like my heart is being strangled by a boa constrictor.
Rex takes a small step forward again and puts his hand on my cheek. I flinch at the contact, but he doesn’t move his hand. He simply moves my hair behind my ear, not letting me hide behind it.
“Do the right thing Alex. Come on.” His voice is soft. Desperate. Encouraging.
I find the couch and sit down, exhausted, and honestly weighed down by the lies. “This is between me and you. Not them. I really was going to skip this part.”
Rex nods. His lips draw into a fine line, and his hands clench into fists. I can tell he is preparing himself for the truth. I glance over at him to affirm he really wants to know. I take a seat on the couch with my knees tucked into my chest when I see exactly what I thought I’d see. He doesn’t want to know, he needs to. Tucked in a ball like this is not a typical stance for me. It’s too vulnerable, too weak, but I need that right now. That protection. I close my eyes tight and let my brain float away to another time.
Chapter 21:
I felt hollow inside as I watched the last parts of the mall flash in my window. I let that feeling slowly consume me. Emptiness is a gift in hell.
The drive was virtually quiet with the exception of Pytor’s occasional laugh, and the roar of the engine behind us. They drove a tank of a car. Bulletproof, I'm sure. As time passed I let my mind wander off to Anatoli and Tobias. I was dying to know what they were up. I wanted to know where they went. Did they leave Pytor? I know it sounds cocky, but was it because of me? I knew I wouldn’t get the answers I wanted.
Time was irrelevant to me at this point. Just something I had to get through. That said, I had no clue how much time passed before we arrived at our destination. It was white, lots of arches, it looked very similar to the houses Pytor owned when I worked for him. I hadn’t really been gone all that long, so I shouldn’t have been surprised to see his tastes were the same.
“Alexandra.”
The door I was limply leaning against swung open and I tumbled out of the car. I let out a screech because my arm stayed hooked on the car from the handcuffs and now hung at an awkward angle. My dad laughed and put a foot on my shoulder pushing me down ever so slightly, so the pain shot like fire through my body. I sucked in a strained breath and bit my lip. I couldn’t give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry anymore. I made up my mind that no matter what they did to me I wouldn’t let them see me hurt. I wouldn’t let them see my pain, my loss.
I took in as much air as I could, trying to dull the pain, until, finally, somebody uncuffed me and my arm fell to the floor. I let a quiet moan when it was back down by my body. I used my free arm to push myself up to seated. Pytor’s guards pulled up behind us. They wasted no time getting of their respective cars. They picked me up by my armpits and dragged me into the house. My tired feet burned against the cobblestone driveway. I was dragged into a bedroom and chained to the bed. I wasn’t surprised by this at all. I knew it was coming. Story of my life. What did shake me was the way they tied me up. I had each one of my hands tied to opposite sides of the bedpost and my feet tied the same way, so I was stretched out like a starfish. I hated this position. It left me way too vulnerable. My heart hammered in my chest. Seeing how easily these two men handled me really brought light to how easy Anatoli and Tobias had taken it on me. Once I was tied down I glared at the two men, my dad and Pytor. I had an equal amount of hatred for both of them. It was hard to know where to direct my energy. My dad started this whole cycle and he was the man who killed my mom. Pytor killed my daughter.
“What’s your plan dad?” I seethed, deciding to direct my energy toward him. “Rape me? Have Pytor extract his revenge and then kill me? Will that satisfy you? I don’t give a fuck! I’ll make sure you get no satisfaction out of this!”
“Oh, my little Alexandra I think we both know your spitfire personality makes that impossible.”
He took a step towards me with a pair of scissors. He grabbed the hem of my shirt and lifted me up as much as he could while still being tied down.
“And Alexandra, no matter what you do this will satisfy me.”
“You fucking piece of shit!” I reeled my neck back and spit in his face. He shot back, and the rage became evident in his eyes. He took the blade end of the scissors and slapped me across the face with it. My head flew back, and tears rolled down my cheeks involuntarily. I immediately started to move my face, assessing my injuries. I felt blood trickle down my cheek, but I knew it wasn’t bad. I breathed a sigh of relief, and turned my attention to Pytor while my dad, father, Eric, cut off my clothes. He left on my bra and underwear. I blinked back my tears, brought on by the humiliation and shock of all this.
“Killing my baby wasn’t enough for you,” I spat at Pytor. I felt the fire I felt before I met Rex come back with a vengeance. I wanted to kill him. I wanted him dead like she was. “You had to bring the one person in the world I hated most. I made you a shit ton of money. I was pregnant. I only left to protect her!”
“Oh, so it was a girl,” he said smugly as my dad stood next to him, watching me. I took deep breath trying to distance myself from my body and my own humiliation.
“Yes. She was.”
“Its name?”
I smirked. Pytor would put the pieces together. He was a smart man.
“Anna, asshole. Her name was Anna. Named after a very close friend.”
I saw rage flicker in his eyes. He couldn’t hide it.
“Yeah, Anatoli was just a gem in helping me get the fuck of here. Tobias even helped. It was great. I owe them a lot.” I smiled smugly at him.
He came over and grabbed in between my legs. I flinched a little but held my ground, and his gaze. I had been touched by him before. This was nothing new.
“And here I thought your time with Mia and Rex had made you soft?” He removed his hand. I fought against the ropes.
“YOU STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM THEM? I WILL KILL YOU. DO YOU HEAR ME?”
“Don’t worry sweetheart,” my dad put his hand on my face, I fought to pull away, which only made him laugh cruelly. “You cooperate, and no harm will come to your little friends.” He turned to Pytor with a grin. “That little boy next door has always been her weak spot. She’s always been crazy about him. Only time I fucking knew she was a girl other than when she spread her legs.”
I gagged, and Pytor watched us silently with a satisfied grin. I hated his reaction even more than I hated the words themselves.
“Well, sleep tight Alexandra. We will be back in the morning. Make yourself at home.” My dad shot me a satisfied smile and Pytor watched me intently, clearly enjoying my struggle.
I jerked around in my chains. “What if I have to pee? What the fuck? You can’t just leave me like this!”
My father crossed the room and wrapped his hand around my neck. “You can piss yourself for all we fucking care, and we can leave you like this Alex. Who’s coming for you?”
He threw me back on the bed. I sucked in a deep breath.
“Bastards!” I yelled as they shut the door laughing. I twisted and fought with the binds, trying for an escape. I refused to sit in my own piss again. The chains burned and clawed at my wrists until they raw. I fought for hours, until my body was weak and exhausted. I couldn’t get out. My head
fell to my chest. It was useless. These chains were not meant to be escaped from.
Hours passed. My bladder was so full, the pain in my lower abdomen was unbearable. Not to mention the dangers of holding it in. There was a clock on the wall across the room and I watched it tick by. Eight hours. Eight fucking hours. I felt my eyes pulsing with the tears that threatened to leak out. If they didn’t come soon I was going to wet the bed. My wrists hurt like hell and I was exhausted from fighting. Already. I felt like such an idiot.
Just then, as these thoughts swirled around in my mind, the door swung open. My dad didn’t say anything. I watched him come to the edge of my bed. He uncuffed my ankles, before making his way over to my wrists. As my dad was freeing me from my binds I looked around the room for Pytor. I needed to know where he was at all times. He was in the doorway, watching. I realized in that moment his revenge was letting my father do whatever he wanted with me. He just wanted to watch me suffer. Somehow, I’d underestimated the depths of his evil again. I hated myself for it. I wanted so bad to fight him, both of them, but the second I was uncuffed my limp arms went straight to my aching stomach. I had to pee so bad I wasn’t actually sure I could make it to the toilet. My dad grabbed my wrist and yanked me off the bed. I felt like a weight to the floor. I let out a groan as my legs hit on the wood. The impact of my body hitting the floor jolted through my bones… organs. I felt the pee I’d been holding in leak onto the floor. I was on all fours. My head fell in between my hands. This was the closest I came to crying. It felt like someone stabbed me through my broken soul.
This time it was Pytor who grabbed me by the hair and pulled me to my feet. It felt like someone was ripping the hair right out of my scalp. I screamed and reached for his hand, trying to pull him off of me. He jerked me forward to stand right in front of him.
