When I Surrender

by Kendall Ryan

  A quick check of the clock told me it was still early, just after sunrise, and I rolled closer to Knox, snuggling in beside him.

  Draping a heavy arm over me, he pulled me tightly against him. “You okay, angel?” His sleep-laced voice was deep and husky.

  “I’m fine,” I whispered, breathing in the masculine scent of his chest.

  “I’m sorry about last night.”

  I rolled onto my side and looked up at him. “Sorry about what?” From my perspective, I should be the one apologizing. He’d pleasured me until I all but passed out from exhaustion and I hadn’t taken care of him at all. A fact I felt a little guilty about.

  “Are you sore?” he asked, his eyes like warm molten honey on mine.

  I shook my head. At least I didn’t think so.

  “I was too rough with you,” he murmured, pressing a kiss to my forehead.

  Memories of him biting me – my nipples and my clit – rushed back in full force. The press of his fingers roughly pushing into me. Knox thought I’d be upset, but I was relieved to see he hadn’t treated me like a china doll. He’d lost himself in me, which was exactly what I wanted, considering I felt so out of control around him, too. Pressing my palm against his cheek, I returned his kiss. “You bit me,” I said, fighting a smile.

  “I know.”

  “You said you weren’t into pain.”

  “Did it hurt?” The warmth and sincerity in his eyes nearly stole my voice. He was so beautiful, this confusing, troubled man.

  “Well, no. Not really.”

  “I just wanted you to understand that you were mine.”

  “Oh.” My heart galloped. I was his. Body and soul. And falling deeper every day.

  “Was last night okay, then?”

  I nodded, my head bobbing up and down while he studied me. “I liked it.” Liking it was an understatement, but the furrow creasing his brow told me not to press the issue.

  “Are you sure you’re alright with this?”

  I knew he was asking more than his words conveyed. He was asking if I was okay with his nature – his dominant, take charge attitude in the bedroom. The truth was, I was more than okay with it. With Knox I felt like a woman. I liked him making the decisions and pushing me in ways I never dreamed. He was opening me up to new experiences, just like I was doing for him. “Last night was perfect. I’m just sorry I fell asleep on you.”

  He smiled, the playful gleam I loved returning to his eyes. “Passed out was more like it.”

  I gave him a shove, but his body was a solid wall of immovable muscle. What he’d said was true, though, I’d all but collapsed from exhaustion after the three powerful climaxes he’d given me. If this was what a sexual relationship with him was going to be like, I would be one happy girl.

  “I gotta get the guys up and ready for school.” Knox kissed my lips and then climbed from the bed, treating me to a view of his firm backside as he moved across the room and began to dress.

  I lazily stretched and then joined him, forcing my languid and relaxed body into yesterday’s clothes before venturing downstairs.

  I found the boys were already up and moving about.

  “Dude, don’t sit so close to the TV, Tuck,” Jaxon said, nudging Tucker’s shoulder. “You’re gonna get a tan from that thing.”

  I chuckled as I watched them. The glow of the television was casting a bluish hue over Tucker’s little face, but he obeyed, scooting backwards on his butt. Knox might have been worried about the second oldest Bauer boy, but I could see that in his heart, Jax was one of the good guys. Or maybe I just had entirely too much faith. I’d always believed the same thing about Knox, too. Yet I couldn’t help the inexplicable feeling that everything good was about to come crashing down around me in a messy heap.

  ---

  “What are these?” I asked, sniffing a huge arrangement of pink carnations on my dining room table.

  Brian appeared in the doorway after changing out of his suit and tie and into jeans. He’d arrived home from work just a few minutes after me.

  I picked through the pink blossoms, hunting for a card. There wasn’t one and somehow I couldn’t really imagine Knox sending me pink carnations. Maybe blood red roses, but not these. And when would he have had the time? I’d just left his house this morning and I knew he’d worked all day, too.

  Brian watched me curiously. “They’re from me.”

  “Oh. What’s the occasion?” I couldn’t recall Brian ever giving me flowers…except the bouquet he’d had sent to the funeral home at my parents’ wake. But those had been white daylilies. For a totally different reason.

  “No occasion. I just wanted to….” He stopped himself and exhaled heavily. “Come sit down with me.”

  “Okay.” He was acting strange. I wondered if he’d caught the flu that was going around.

  We sat side by side on the sofa, the TV playing softly in the background.

  “I just wanted to apologize for everything lately. My behavior toward you, and fighting with Knox.” He lifted my hand from my lap and held it. “I know you’ve been through a lot and I just want you to know I’ll always be here for you. I’ll be whatever you need, okay?”

  “Okay. That’s sweet of you, Bri.”

  Neither of us could deny that something had changed between us since Knox had come into the picture. I remembered Knox’s request that I tell Brian about us, but somehow I knew the moment wasn’t right. He was trying to apologize, to make amends. He’d gotten me flowers, which was sweet, but not necessary. Giving a girl carnations wasn’t a romantic gesture, was it? Pushing all that from my mind, I thanked him for the flowers and headed into the kitchen. “Are you hungry?”

  “Starved,” he confirmed.

  We were like two ravenous lions come dinner time. We’d been that way since we were kids. Searching through the cabinets, we settled on grilled cheese sandwiches. We worked together in the kitchen, him grilling the sandwiches and me slicing some tomatoes that were about to go bad. It’d been a while since we’d enjoyed each other’s company like this and I was happy to see the previous tension between us was all but gone.

  Over gooey, cheesy sandwiches, Brian shoved an envelope at me. “This came for you today.”

  The return address was a law firm in Indiana.

  My stomach dropped.

  I didn’t want to open it, knowing it was somehow related to my parents’ accident. But the letter taunted me, capturing all of my attention.

  Brian’s sheepish look apologized for something over which he had no control. I wondered if this was the real reason for the flowers. He knew this would upset me – take me right back to that dark place I was in four years ago. Running to Chicago hadn’t been enough. My past would follow me anywhere.

  “Are you going to open it?” he asked, pulling my thoughts back to the present. I looked down at my plate. I’d picked apart my sandwich into little bits. So much for my appetite. “What do you think it is?”

  “Not sure,” I said, finding my voice. “Probably something to do with their will.”

  He nodded and pushed away his own plate. It must be sympathy pains or something since I knew we were both hungry when we’d sat down.

  I’d yet to settle all my parents’ legal affairs, since dealing with it bought up too many painful memories. I’d done the bare minimum, the funeral was planned, and with the help of Brian’s mom and a local realtor, I’d sold the house I grew up in. The movers had packed everything and it was all still sitting in a storage unit in my hometown. All the rest, pension plan, retirement accounts, and insurance policies remained on the back burner, untouched. Dealing with it all would be too final, and I just wasn’t ready to go there. I especially didn’t like this envelope with its shiny gold embossment on my dining table looking up at me, reminding me. It felt like two sides of my life were intersecting. It was childish, but maybe if I just refused to open the envelope, I could pretend that none of this was happening.

  For all my running, all my volunteer work t
o make things better in this world, I still had to face that there was a bitter force driving me. It scared me to realize that maybe running into Knox’s arms had nothing to do with love. It was about me throwing myself into something even messier and uglier than my own past. It was simply another place to hide.

  “You’re not going to open it, are you?” Brian asked, pulling me from my somber thoughts.

  He knew me all too well. “Wasn’t planning on it, no.” I pushed the offending paper away, knowing it was pointless. I’d likely find it on my dresser later.

  “Can I ask you something?” He glanced down at his plate, picking at the remnants of his sandwich.

  “Sure.”

  “Have you and Knox….” His forehead creased. “Are you still….”

  “Brian, that’s none of your business.”

  “You are,” he said, his voice certain.

  I wanted to yell at him for interfering and telling Knox I was a virgin in the first place, but faced with the awkwardness of the conversation, I chickened out. Closing my eyes, I drew a deep breath.

  “Wow. I’m surprised. Even after all those nights you’ve spent there?”

  I released my breath in a huff. “I know you have a hard time believing this, but Knox really is a good guy. He would never do something I wasn’t ready for. And he’s been in recovery, so sex really wasn’t on the table for either of us.”

  “But it is now?” His eyebrow quirked up. “And you’re right, I do have a hard time believing that.”

  A heavy silence fell over us and I considered ripping open the envelope just for something to distract me from this awful moment.

  Brian leaned closer, planting his elbows on the table. “So if you haven’t fully given yourself to him, does that mean….” He hesitated, drawing a deep breath. “Do you think there’d ever be a chance for us?”

  I wanted to set him straight, tell him once and for all it was never going to happen between us, but sitting there, looking into his bright blue eyes, something in me couldn’t crush him. He’d done too much for me. Still, I didn’t want to leave him with false hope. That wasn’t fair to him. “Brian, I’m dating Knox. You should date other people, too.” It was my subtle way of telling him he needed to stop pining for me.

  “Your dad, your parents, they would have wanted you with me. You know that, right?” he asked. I swallowed a bitter lump in my throat. “They joked we’d get married someday from the time we were six years old, McKenna.”

  Fighting back tears, I excused myself to my bedroom while Brian called out my name. Bringing my parents into this wasn’t fair. He knew my life’s mission was to try and honor them in all things. My chosen career field, how I spent my time, but I’d never factored in who I dated. Realizing Brian was right sucked. My parents had adored him.

  I fell back heavily onto my mattress with a thud. Today had been too much. I couldn’t deal with the mystery envelope regarding my parents and Brian’s declaration that I was dishonoring them by choosing the wrong man.

  Part of me knew I couldn’t hide in my bed forever, but most of me wanted to try.

  Chapter Twelve

  McKenna

  The next several days passed in a blur. Between working, volunteering, and helping Amanda get around – everything from taking her to doctor’s appointments to shopping for maternity clothes to buying prenatal vitamins, I’d barely had time to see Knox. And our alone time together had all but disappeared.

  But tonight that was going to change, because Jaxon and Luke were taking Tucker out to dinner and then to their high school’s basketball game, meaning Knox and I would have the house to ourselves for a couple of hours. It was exactly what I’d needed after a trying week.

  I found Knox alone upstairs in his bedroom, sitting on the edge of his bed with his sketchbook open in his lap, looking deep in thought.

  “Hi,” I greeted him.

  “Hey.” He closed the book and crossed the room, drawing me into his arms. “Everything okay? You look exhausted.”

  Leave it to Knox to immediately pick up on how drained and crummy I felt. “I’m fine. It was just a long week.”

  “Yeah? And how many hours did you work this week?”

  I quickly did the math in my head. “Mmm, somewhere around seventy, I’d guess.”

  “McKenna,” he groaned, holding my shoulders and positioning me so he could meet my eyes. The dark circles lining them wouldn’t help my case. But Knox couldn’t understand how one simple letter from a lawyer back home could send me into a tailspin. It had been easier to work and volunteer than to sit at home with the constant reminder staring me in the face.

  Knox pulled me over to the small sofa on the far end of his bedroom and we sat down. He looked at me intently. “What?” I asked finally.

  “Just like you help me, I want to help you.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You’ve got to stop running.”

  “What makes you think that’s what I’m doing?”

  “You work seventy hours a week volunteering, you don’t do anything for yourself. When’s the last time you did something normal girls your age enjoy? Like go shopping or get your nails done?”

  I stiffened at his implication that I wasn’t a normal girl. “How’s that fair? When’s the last time you did something a normal twenty-two year old guy would do?”

  He smirked. “Not the same thing, angel. I have custody of three boys. Don’t bring my shit into this. We’re talking about you.”

  “I happen to like volunteering, and I like being here with you guys. I have no desire to go out and party it up like a twenty-one year old.”

  “But someday you might. And you might regret not doing all the things young people are supposed to do.”

  Was he speaking from experience? He’d certainly missed out on enough being responsible for his brothers. Though his sexploits more than made up for that deficit. “I’m not going to regret anything.” I already lived with enough regret over my choices that fateful day I’d lost my parents. There wasn’t room for more in my world. “Serving others is the only thing that keeps me sane. The only thing that makes me feel okay with being me,” I whispered.

  “I get that.”

  “Then don’t ask me to change.”

  “I want you to find balance – that’s all.” Knox wrapped one hand around my knee and gave it a gentle squeeze. His touch was all that was needed to reassure me. He wasn’t trying to force me to change or make me feel guilty about my choices.

  “I want that, too,” I admitted.

  “One step at a time. Right, angel?”

  I grinned up at him wryly. It was the same thing I’d said to him once about his addiction. “Right.” I was suddenly feeling like the patient rather than the counselor. This was new.

  “There’s something that scares me, McKenna.” Knox ran a hand through his wayward hair, meeting my eyes with a worried stare. “One day you’re going to forgive yourself and let go of all this hurt you carry around. You’re going to wake up and realize I’m all wrong for you.”

  Knox was the only one to call me out on my obsessive tendencies. I avoided my life. I avoided dealing with my emotions and grief. Not even Brian was brave enough to tell me the truth. I appreciated his honesty, but he was wrong. I’d always want him. He made me feel alive and secure. Like maybe I could finally stop running from my past.

  “And when all that happens, you’re going to want someone nice and normal,” he continued.

  “Let me guess, someone like Brian?”

  “The thought has crossed my mind, yes. He’s in love with you, McKenna.”

  The crushing weight of the knowledge that he was right hit me square in the chest. Knox was looking at me like he could see straight through me. I could not have felt more exposed if I’d been sitting there completely naked. How did he not only understand me so well, but also get my complicated relationship with Brian? Feeling vulnerable and needy, I curled into his side, needing his warmth, his protection from th
e muddled mess my life had become. Knox pulled me closer, lifting my mouth to his while my pulsed thrummed violently in the base of my throat.

  I didn’t try and explain away my feelings, I didn’t even tell him that I wasn’t going anywhere, but I did decide then and there it was time to show him how deeply my feelings for him ran.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Knox

  Unable to resist the swell of her full mouth quivering so close to mine, I lowered my lips to hers.

  A kiss that was meant to be innocent quickly turned heated. McKenna whimpered and opened her mouth to mine, our tongues tangling wildly as her hands pushed into my hair. She nipped my lower lip, tugging it with her teeth to pull me closer.

  She was a woman in need and I was just a man. A man who hadn’t been laid in God knows how long. I needed to feel her heat surround me. Gripping her ass, I lifted her from the sofa and moved her to my lap. She wrapped her legs around my waist, clinging to me like I was her everything. And maybe I was. It broke my fucking heart and something in me snapped.

  With our mouths fused together, her tongue hypnotically rubbing against mine, I found my hands unbuttoning her pants. Rather than stop me, McKenna’s hips pushed forward, her body eager for friction.

  I needed her just as badly as she needed me. We were two lost souls fighting to cling to something real. But our first time shouldn’t be like this – so desperate and full of anguish, mouths seeking, hands grasping, clutching for something to hold on to. We were a tangle of limbs and hands groping until each of us had shed the other of our clothes. I lifted a fully nude McKenna, strode with her across the room and lay us back against my bed. She straddled me and remained motionless for several seconds. The dim light in my room bathed her skin a faint golden glow. She’d never looked more beautiful to me than in that moment.

  Pulling away from her mouth, I cupped her face in my hands. Hazy blue eyes slowly blinked open to meet mine. “Not like this, not for your first time,” I breathed, my heart pounding.