When I Surrender

by Kendall Ryan

  “But this is how I need it. Make me forget everything else,” she whispered.

  I wanted her to know only my name, to know it was me inside her, but she deserved to be loved, cherished, and I had fuck-all of a clue how to do that properly. I only knew the physical aspects – I dealt in pleasure and orgasms and how many condom wrappers were on the floor the next morning. But real intimacy, taking care of all a woman’s needs – let alone a woman as complex as McKenna? It was a sure shot at failure.

  But right then, in that moment, McKenna was just a girl looking for closeness any way she could get it. If that ended with me inside her, so be it. It was the only way I knew. And it seemed neither of us was capable of waiting anymore.

  She was giving herself to me, despite knowing what I was. The most beautiful gift she had to offer was mine. Feeling her damp heat against my belly where she sat, and my erection brushing against her ass, desire rocketed through me.

  Everything in me wanted to take control, to lift her hips and position her so she could slide down on me, but I knew if I did that, I’d hurt her. And since that wasn’t in the cards, I hauled her off me, forcing her to lie on her back.

  Coils of desire raced through my bloodstream, and I had to physically force myself to go slow. I kissed McKenna, long and deep, claiming her with my mouth. Never had I spent so much time just kissing, but with her, I found it strangely satisfying and hard to stop. When she was squirming beneath me on the bed, I dropped to my knees on the floor between her legs, taking her ankles in my hands and planting her feet on the bed so that she was wide open for me. McKenna’s head lifted from the pillow and she looked at me, poised above her with wide set eyes. With my gaze locked on hers, I lowered my mouth to the juncture between her thighs and inhaled. McKenna flinched, her belly dipping as she sucked in a breath. She needed to understand that I loved the feminine scent of her arousal. That sweet fragrance made me lose all sense of right and wrong, all rational thought. Parting her glistening pink flesh, I swirled my tongue over her clit until a sob broke from her lips. Her entire body trembled, begging for release, while I ruthlessly licked against her.

  Her orgasm hit me like a sucker punch to the gut. I was becoming addicted to giving pleasure rather than taking it. Emotions tore through me and I took a moment, sitting back on my heels and wondering how it was this beautiful woman I’d only known a short time had completely undone me.

  “Knox,” she whimpered, reaching for me.

  I crawled up onto the bed with her and McKenna immediately took my cock in her hands, rubbing and stroking just like I’d shown her. A dark hunger simmered inside me, pooling at the base of my spine, the need to be inside her overtaking me. I reached for a condom and rolled it down my length while McKenna watched and chewed on her lip. Hesitation surged inside me. Was I doing the right thing?

  “Are you sure you’re ready?”

  Her hand curled around my eager cock, as if to feel the latex sheathing me. Every moment with her was a new awakening. It kept me grounded and in the moment like never before. “I want you.” She pressed her lips to my throat, her hot breath rushing over my skin in the most reassuring way. She wanted this. Me. Even with all my shortcomings, she was choosing me.

  And for the night, I was hers. Body and soul.

  McKenna

  After putting on the condom, Knox lay down beside me so we were facing each other on the bed. I rested my head on his arm and his other hand was between us, positioning his hard length against me.

  Lying side by side like this wasn’t the position I imagined. “What are you doing?” I asked.

  “I want to hold you. Is this okay?”

  “Yeah, but it’s just….”

  “This isn’t how you pictured it going?” he asked.

  “No. I thought you’d be on top.” I remembered my embarrassing lecture to Luke about how to ensure a girl’s first time was special. It showed how little I knew. I guess I never thought my first time would be with Knox, looking deep into his eyes. It sent a warm ripple of pleasure through me.

  “We’ll get there, but for your first time, me on top doesn’t allow you to control the speed, angle, or depth, so I thought this might work better. I want you to be comfortable.”

  I relaxed my head against the pillow. I was comfortable. I was lying on my side facing Knox and we were snuggled close. I could feel his warmth all around me and his scent sending me into my happy place. But warning bells were going off in my mind. Knowing Knox had a dominating side…I didn’t want him softening this experience for me. I wanted to know he was right here with me, fifty-fifty, enjoying every moment, not sacrificing himself for something he thought I wanted. “But I thought you liked taking control, I want to be sure you’re….”

  His lips against mine stopped me mid-rant. “Not for your first time. This is about you.” He leaned forward and pressed another kiss to my lips, softer this time. “Just try and relax, okay?”

  I nodded and watched him.

  He pressed the tip of himself against my opening. I tried to relax my muscles like he’d told me, but my body was anything buy welcoming to the blunt head of him. Lifting my top leg so I was spread apart, Knox cradled my calf in his big palm. I felt more exposed in this position, but when Knox’s mouth went to my throat and began lightly nibbling me there, I forgot all about that.

  He pressed his hips closer to mine again and I felt the very tip of him push inside me. Knox released a hiss through his teeth and pulled back. It wasn’t working.

  Dropping a kiss to my forehead, he looked deep into my eyes. “Do you want some extra lubrication?”

  “Whatever you want,” I murmured, hoping I wasn’t doing something wrong.

  His thumb stroked my cheek as he gazed down at me. “I like it tight, I just don’t want to hurt you.”

  I was prepared for a little discomfort. “It’s okay. I’m fine.” I was a mess of nerves and my inner muscles trembled in anticipation, but I wanted this. I wanted him. Knox better not back out on me now. I couldn’t have another failed attempt at losing my virginity. Using his hand to guide himself, Knox pressed harder, penetrating me, stealing the oxygen from my lungs, waking me up from the inside out. With his eyes locked on mine, he thrust deeper, several more inches slicing me open. My mouth dropped open in a silent scream.

  With my body stretched to accommodate him, Knox moved slowly, using long measured strokes that I felt deep inside me – in a place no one had ever touched me before. But what I really savored was the look in his eyes. The way he was looking at me made my heart race and my body respond despite the pain. He was a man in need, dark hunger reflected back at me in his features. A warm shiver raced along my body.

  I felt stretched to capacity, the sensation entirely new and slightly painful, but in the best possible way. Still, I didn’t like the idea that Knox was holding back. I wanted to show him that I wasn’t afraid of his dark side, that I could take whatever he wanted to give. Wrapping my legs around his back, I urged him closer. He released a guttural groan and buried his face against my neck. “More, Knox,” I murmured. He obeyed, his hips slamming into me, forcing a cry to rip from my throat.

  Knox

  I worried for a moment that my weight was crushing her, but when McKenna’s legs wound around my back, I lost all sense of rational thought. She squirmed beneath me, begging for more, and unrestrained need raced through my veins. Done holding back, I pounded into her tight channel without mercy. She cried out, all her muscles tightening around me.

  A pang of guilt sucker punched me in the gut. I should be gentle with her, but that wasn’t my style and I let my raw need to consume her overtake me. “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah,” she exhaled against my mouth, and I kissed her deeply, relief washing through me.

  This might not have been my first time, but nothing about this was familiar to me. Sharing this with her meant something. It wasn’t like all the other times when my mind shut down and I lost myself to the numbness of pleasure. I was aware of e
verything. Every heartbeat, every cry of pleasure, her hot breath rushing over my skin, the pull of her warm channel hugging me. She was intoxicating in the most sobering way.

  I knew I was getting close, and since there was no way I was going off before her, I used the pad of my index finger to circle her clit and bent forward to kiss her breasts, latching onto one of her nipples and grazing it lightly with my teeth. McKenna shuddered in my arms, crying out in pleasure rather than pain this time. I pumped into her with long, measured strokes, continuing to pleasure her, and soon felt her body clench around mine with her climax. I held her while little tremors passed through her body, slowing my pace to allow her to enjoy every pulse and sensation. That certainly hadn’t happened the last time I was with a virgin. I remember her begging me to just finish and the blood stains on her sheets when we were done. Back then I’d been in high school, though, and not nearly as skilled and unfortunately not as in-tune with a woman’s pleasure. But with McKenna, that wasn’t an option. I was tuned in to her every breath.

  Moments later, I lost myself inside her, gripping her ass and letting her milk every last drop of fluid from my body. I clung to her long after, each of us unwilling to let the other go.

  Sex had never been like that before. I would have been up and out the door the minute I got off. With McKenna, I reluctant to let her go even to remove the condom.

  “Did I hurt you?” I asked.

  She shook her head, curling against me.

  She was so quiet, I worried I’d done something wrong and guilt churned inside me. “How do you feel?”

  “Happy,” she answered.

  Releasing a sigh, I pulled her into my arms, drawing her even closer. “Not too sore?”

  “No, I don’t think so.”

  Relief washed over me. I knew I should apologize, I was too rough with her, but it was who I was, and if she wasn’t complaining, then neither was I.

  “Was everything okay for you?” she whispered.

  I tipped her chin up to meet my eyes. “That’s what you’re worried about? That I didn’t enjoy myself?” I fought back a smile while she nodded up at me. “It was perfect.” I pressed a tender kiss to her mouth, hoping that quieted all her fears about not measuring up. There was nothing to measure up to, with McKenna occupying all of my brain space I couldn’t have recalled a previous partner if I tried.

  We lay together as the room grew dark around us. Never in my life had I savored a quiet moment quite like this one. McKenna’s head rested on my shoulder, her tangled hair splayed on the pillow between us, and her warm, soft body molded to mine. A monogamous healthy sexual relationship was completely foreign to me. And knowing this beautiful, sweet girl trusted me made my heart beat erratically. She believed in me when no one else did. She saw the man I hoped I could become.

  My brothers would be home soon and I knew we needed to get up and get dressed, I just didn’t want to. “Are you hungry?” I asked finally. We’d skipped dinner and gone straight for dessert. The least I could do now was feed her.

  “Why, are you going to cook for me?” The hint of a smile tugged at her mouth.

  “Of course. Come on.” I urged her from our warm little nest and we dressed and headed downstairs.

  Just as we were finishing a casual dinner of soup and sandwiches, I heard the front door swing open, followed by the sound of voices. The guys were home. I sent McKenna into the living room to relax while I cleaned up. After greeting her, Jaxon and Luke wandered into the kitchen.

  “How was it?” I asked, adding the bowls and spoons to the dishwasher.

  “Good, Tucker had fun, but we had to duck out the back way at the end because we ran into an old fling of mine,” Jaxon said.

  Just great. I didn’t want Tucker around Jax’s booty-call drama.

  “What’s wrong with McKenna?” Luke asked, helping himself to the half-sandwich McKenna had left uneaten on her plate.

  “What do you mean?”

  “She winced when she sat down on the couch like she was in pain or something and her hair is all messy and out of place. She have a bad day at work or something?”

  Shit. Jaxon’s knowing gaze met mine and he shook his head. “Something like that,” I bit out, my tone harsher than I intended.

  “We should do something nice for her,” Luke said, oblivious to the silent exchange happening between me and Jax.

  “Yeah, good idea.” I rubbed the back of my neck, completely at a loss.

  “Maybe we could make her dessert or something,” Luke said, rummaging through the cabinets. “What does she like?”

  “No clue.” I wasn’t winning boyfriend of the year – that was certain. And the way Jax was looking at me made me feel like the world’s biggest asshole. I needed to fix this, to take care of my girl. “I have another idea.”

  After giving my orders to Jaxon and Luke, they headed up the stairs. Next I needed Tucker to go hunting through the cabinets in search of my next ingredient. “Tuck,” I urged him from McKenna’s lap. “Come here, bud.”

  He followed me up the stairs while McKenna watched curiously after us.

  We met the guys in the second floor bathroom where Jaxon was gathering up mounds of dirty clothes from the floor and overflowing hamper and Luke was kneeling beside the bath tub, giving it a long overdue scrub down. Seeing that everything was underway, I sent Tucker on his task, searching the hall closet for some type of body wash that could double as bubble bath while I headed upstairs to gather a few candles I knew I had stashed in a drawer in case of power outages.

  I met Jaxon in the hallway. “Everything cleaned up in there?”

  “It’s getting there. Something happen tonight?” he asked, his eyes narrowed and locked on mine. For all the times I’d given him shit for his antics with girls, I knew his scowl was my payback.

  “Nope.”

  “Liar,” he muttered under his breath.

  I wanted to tell him I would fix this and make things right, instead I released a deep sigh and went to finish the final details for McKenna’s surprise. I might not be able to afford to buy her gifts or give her fancy things, but I hoped this small gesture would show her that I cared and that I was trying.

  I considered running down to the corner store and picking up a bottle of wine or something until I remembered that the last time McKenna had drank she’d practically tried to jump me. No sense in encouraging that. She’d had enough for one night.

  Instead, I had Tucker make her a cup of chocolate milk, which he brought up in one of our mother’s china teacups.

  Once everything was ready, I led a suspicious McKenna up the stairs by her hand. “What are you guys up to?” she asked.

  I stopped at the threshold to the bathroom and turned her by the shoulders. When she saw the three boys and behind them the tub filled with bubbles, the edges lined with white candles, she sucked in a breath. Luke switched off the lights and Tucker, impossible not to love, thrust his arms out to his sides and shouted, “Surprise!”

  “What’s all this?”

  “It’s for you, angel,” I whispered, leaning in close to kiss her temple. “The guys helped me. We thought you could use some relaxation.”

  McKenna silently gripped my hand in a wordless thank you. The expression on her face told me it had been a long time since anyone had done something nice for her. She served others all day long, and the unshed tears simmered in her blue eyes as she struggled to believe she was worth such care and attention.

  “Clear out, guys.”

  McKenna stopped them on their way out, planting a kiss on each of their cheeks. “Thank you.” Tucker threw his arms around her middle, squeezing her tightly.

  When the door closed us in, I spun her to face me. Lazy steam vapors drifted up around us and the low flickering light of the candles gave everything a sense of calm. I pressed a kiss to her waiting mouth. “You lied to me. You’re sore, aren’t you?”

  “Is that what the bath’s for?”

  I didn’t answer, I just kissed
her again. “There are fresh towels in the cabinet under the sink. I’ll meet you upstairs when you’re through.”

  She nodded and took my face in both her hands, bringing her mouth close to mine. “Thank you.”

  The warm whisper of breath on my skin was the only thanks I needed. “Enjoy, angel. Oh, and Tucker brought you chocolate milk.” I nodded towards the cup on the counter beside the sink.

  “I like the pink teacup. Nice touch.” She grinned.

  “It was our mom’s favorite.” I left her with a smile blossoming on her lips. “Take your time.”

  Chapter Fourteen

  McKenna

  After my bath I found Knox in bed, half asleep. I dropped my towel and climbed in beside him, curling my naked body around his. “Hi,” I whispered, kissing the spot behind his ear.

  “Feel better?” he asked.

  I nodded, rubbing my lips against his neck. “Yes. That was lovely.” I hadn’t soaked in a hot bath like that in ages. And he was right, I had been sore. The warm water had soothed most of the lingering ache reminding me of where he’d been, deep within me. And the bubbles made from Knox’s manly-scented body wash had made the experience that much better. I felt closer to him. Surrounded by him. I hadn’t wanted to get out – and didn’t until the water had started to turn cold.

  I wished I could put into words what tonight had meant to me. Our lovemaking, him taking care of me like that…I’d never experienced anything like it. I was falling for this man, body, heart, and soul. Part of that scared me, but mostly I felt happy and safe. “Thank you, Knox.”

  “You’re welcome, angel,” he murmured.

  “I love you.” I hadn’t planned on telling him – I had barely let myself think those three dangerous words, but before I could even process what I was doing, they were out of my mouth and lingering in the air between us. My heart pounded unsteadily and the calmness I’d found vanished in an instant.

  Several agonizing moments of silence passed between us. I knew he’d heard me. I knew he was still awake. I also knew I probably just triggered every defense mechanism Knox had put in place. Dread churned in my stomach, twisting it into a painful knot. I was dying to know what he was thinking. Surely he felt the pounding of my heart against his back, the faint sweat breaking out over my skin. Knox gave my hand a careful squeeze, but said nothing.